Rob out in West Hollywood: The Untold story

Dear Rob,

You, your bushy beard, uni-brown & friends were caught in West Hollywood the other day. This is the untold story:

Robert Pattinson, sad because they were out of wings at Jimmy Fallon’s Emmy after-party, wanted to leave. Or that’s what he told his entourage. And they bought it. Because, well, it’s pretty believable. But in reality he was bummed out because that hunk from The Good Wife didn’t recongize him & he thought he was pretty famous these days. He thought he was Ted Danson’s teenage son. And Rob was also a little bit perturbed because after returning from the bar, Sam Bradley did a double take, circled him & checked out his ass.

So he just decided to leave, with or without the entourage. Leaving in a pack would just make that guy from “The Good Wife” even more convinced he could score an autograph from his dad for his Cheers beer mug. All the while, the security guard is thinking:

Damn- I knew this vampire kid was popular, but this is ridiculous, I just dodged some granny panties, glitter, a vodka shirt, some deoderant and someone’s prostetic leg. This is bananas…… wait did I just hear some yell “sparklepeen?” What in the Sam Hill’s a “sparklepeen?”

Rob makes his way out onto the streets of West Hollywood, where no one mistakes him for the son of Ted:

Rob: You… YOU!!! someones got a hold of my arm… here let me use your hand mr security gaurd.better… YOU…. hey…i like that holey shirt you’re wearing, can i have that? no? ok, do you have a cigarette then? No…?

Meanwhile Stephenie Ritz can be heard saying:

Ouch. ouch. ouch. Oh god there’s antoher one. Hold my hand, Rob!

The gang needs to get out of there. And quick. They start to pick up the pace when suddenly something stops them in their tracks:

Rob: Booooooooobs!
Stephenie: Wow… they are nice….. forget bitchface. This is my boobface.

But the distraction only lasts for so long…. pretty soon they are attacked by pens & a ream of photo paper from Costo

Pap 1: Please Mr. Pattinson- my daughter is a fan of you as a vampire. I swear I won’t auction off your autograph for $1,000 on ebay- I will put it immediately into my daughter’s Twilight book
Pap 2: He’s lying. I’m gonna be straight with you. I was gonna tell you I wanted your John Hancock for my neice, but in reality, it’s for my wife….Come on.. it’ll just take a second.

TomStu: I could sign it. I was in Pirate Radio… naked

The paps ignore Tom & finally Rob obliges them, after he walks square into a bush. But first he asks for 20-25 or so sheets of paper from Pap #1. The other day he wanted to make a grocery list but couldn’t find any paper. He had to use toilet paper. It was embarsasing. It got stuck on his shoe while he was waiting for a 1/2 lb of Hickory Smoked Turkey at the Deli counter.

But enough about cold cuts, shit hits the fan soon after

Guy in pic: Rob…. I’m sorry to tell you- people are starting to notice. You’ve been spotted
Rob: But I thought my overraction over the empty tray of hot wings distracted them?
Guy: normally it would but…Stephenie can’t hide it anymore….your secret is leaking out
Rob: Steph- just a few more steps. Try to get your boobface back.
Steph: think about boobs..think about boobs Ouch- boobs- I can’t– ouch.. boo–

And as the truth to their quick escape is revealed and the whispers start to spread, this security guard can’t contain his excitement and he breaks into song:

Excited Guard: WHEN THE MOOOOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THATS AMOREEEEE..
WHEN THE STARS START TO SHINE LIKE YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE… THATS AMOREEEEE (or what i like to call, Tuesday)

And then suddenly the secret is out- there is no denying what’s going on. Sure Rob was upset that he was called Rob Danson one too many times. Sure it sucked when they ran out of hot wings, but the true reason for the escape can no longer be hidden:

Stephenie Ritz is in labor. Yes, she is pregnant with Rob’s child. KStew is around just to take the spotlight off the REAL gossip. It happened just like you’d think- one night when Rob was crashing on Steph’s couch, Steph joined him. One thing led to another. They got out the Breaking Dawn script & they acted out the Isle Esme parts. And the rest is history.

We can call them Robanie. Or even Stephbert. The news is out- this is the real story……

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Pics Source

What do you think? Def a Steph/Rob love child happening? Are you as 2nd-hand embarassing as I am that Rob showed up to a Hollywood after-party looking like that? Dragging along his 2 bffs like he’s 5 years old and they’re his favorite teddy bears?!

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133 Commented

Wait… why am i attracted to Rob again?

I can be a bad boy...

Dear Rob,

Let’s get physical serious. Last week I was chatting with lula34 about our male celebrity boyfriends. She showed me a recent video clip of her True Blood boyfriend Alex Skarsgard & then we passed out from love over the latest Chuck Bass/Gossip Girl promo with Too_Far_Gone.

Then we said “Remember at the end of Vampire Diaries when we watch the last romantic scene of the season involving Damon the vampire over and over and over” and we reminisced by watching “The kiss” you tube clip over and over and over again. And got excited for the return of THAT show. Yeah, it was a good day. NSFW day.

But Then it hit me. I love strong sexual characters. Chuck Bass & Damon Salvator? Hellooooo. And lula34 loves Alex the vampire (who is pretty sexy even though I’m not a True Blood watcher) and prays every night for dream sex with British hunk Jason Statham. Helloooooo.

So….why do we like you again? You’re not the dick that Chuck Bass is; you’re not an aggressive, cocky guy like Damon Salvator. You’re not overly sexual or full of yourself or anything like those other celebrities or characters we love so much. I posed the question to lula34:

UC: Wait… why am I attracted to Rob again? When normally I like much more sexual male characters?
Lula34: If I were to write fan fiction, it’d be about me, Jason [Statham], Alex [Skarsgard] & Ed [Westwick from Gossip Girl]. And a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
UC: Hahaha dear lord- I cannnottttt wait for GG. I need Ed in my life
Lula34: Yes. I also need Damon. And all the angst that will ensue on VD. But mostly Chuck Bass. He is a legend.
UC: I’d take both… If I had to!!! Why have I liked Rob all this time when I’m obviously attracted to much stronger sexual characters??? Edward!? Is that the ONLY reason!?
Lula34: That’s SUCH a tremendous question. This must be discussed, because a friend asked me this the other day–why I love the “bad boys” but still have a “thing” for Rob. I don’t know why- Ron is the utter opposite of chuck bass! Chuck makes me shiver. Yeah, I said it.
UC: Me too- let’s become actresses so we can become lovers to all these different men

What's good about THIS?

Now before you go boohooing into your pillow because you just found out we spend all this time talking about men other than you, don’t worry- we’re not saying “Let’s give up on Rob because he’s not filled with STDs like Chuck Bass” NO no no… we’re saying, how can we like BOTH Bad boy, sexual aggressors like Chuck Bass and also like YOU- shy, humble terribly sexy but refuses to admit the fact or play up the sexualness, Rob?

Is it because you played Edward? And sure, Edward is sexxxxxyyyyy- but…. he’s not like those other sexually aggressive guys we mentioned… so it’s probably not just that.

Is it because we’ve been brain-washed by GQ and Details & all the other sexy magazines where you’ve done photoshoots and we’ve lost DAYS of productive work as a result?

Or….. is it because we all THINK that under that humble, shy demeanor there is a sexual maniac waiting to escape!? That if we got you in a room and chained you to a wall you willingly were into us, the ‘front’ you put on for the media & the public would disappear and you’d bring out the sexy bad boy whose only mission in life is to get.it.on with ME!?

I think that might be it. Because, if I’m honest (and I’m always honest), if you are humble, shy and sensitive in every area of your life, including your private life, what in my fantasies sounds like this:

throwing me up against the wall, ripping off my clothes, touching places I didn’t know liked to be touched

might actually be more like this

lightly pushes me to the wall
Rob: Oh no! Did I hurt you? Did I push you too hard?
UC: No, no it’s fine, just kiss me
cute little nibbles & kisses down my cheek & neck
Rob: May I take off your shirt?”
UC: Uh, sure…
fumbling. confusion.
UC: You okay?
Rob: Can we turn on the lights a second? I want to see how this bra claps works- I haven’t felt anything like this before
later
UC: You’re so hottttt

I hate that I hurt you.....

Rob: blushing Really? You mean it? I thought I looked too much like my dad today…..
a long time later
Rob: Is this okay? Am I hurting you? Does this feel good
UC: yes.. shhhh
Rob: tell me if it starts to feel weird. Does this feel right? I think maybe this is better? How about here? Here?
UC: STOP IT IT’S FINE
Rob: bursts into tears I’m sorry. I wanted this to be perfect…….

And that’s not cool…….

So yes, it’s odd that I’m attracted to both you and Chuck Bass, Damon Salvator & other over-sexualized characters when you seem so different. But I have to think deep down, behind that humble, sensitive, charming British demeanor is a bad boy…. yearning to do real bad things to me….

Yours willingly,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Robsessed for killing me with those new outtakes

What do YOU think? Are you “into” celebs or characters that are quite “opposite” of who Rob appears to be? Why do you think you are? Is Rob’s humble demeanor just a public front- underneath he knows you want him and he’s happily going to oblige!?

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121 Commented

Open Weekend Post: Hosted by fanart Rob

Dear Rob,

When I see this drawing of you by a fan it makes me think three things:

1. You just woke up in an alley after the worst bender of your life and you’re hungry… for my face.

2. Your wig is not on straight. It’s sitting juuuust a touch to your right and looks like a Peekinese dog is hanging out up there just waiting to pounce on us when you stop moving.

2. If that’s NOT a wig or a small dog, what volumizing hair product do you use? Because this is redonkulous.

The end
Themoonisdown

PS I love fanart! See any super special ones lately? Send em in!

What does this beautiful piece of artwork make you think? Share!

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38 Commented

Rob… just what we needed

We know, your week has been awful without a daily LTR. Try being me for the past 6 months when Rob has done like 2 things worth writing about. YEAH, I’M TALKING TO YOU, RPATTZ. Anyway…. some hot new pics of Rob were released… and I guess THAT’s something to talk about… and LTR friend Zephyersky has something to say!

Dear Rob,

Thank you!  Things have kinda sucked in my life this past week or so and after an emergency trip to Missouri to help out my niece/best friend, I needed these pictures that were released from the Shining photoshoot.  I’ve been a little detached from a world that hasn’t been both emotionally and physically draining and it was quite nice to open my internet today and find this.

I was sure it was only going to be a few new pictures.  I would get a quick hit and have to settle for that.  But NOOOOO the pictures kept coming.  It was like Karma was just giving back for the messed up stuff it’s thrown my way lately.

Then the more pictures I saw, the more I began to question some of them.  It seems they were going for the many faces of Rob in this photoshoot.  Let’s see here, we have the guy who hung around the high school and offered to buy the girls beer if they promised to share with him, and then kept your change.  There’s the new cover boy of Pride magazine.  Did you get to keep grandpa’s sweater?  Of course no photoshoot is complete without the Piano Man.  I see Pierce gave you some pointers; maybe someday 007 will become my new favorite number.

I like the vest on you but I think it’s been done before.  Between the sweater, which I’m pretty sure I saw on Matlock when I watched at my grandma’s as a kid, and the vest, I would say whoever helped you pick your wardrobe for this shoot once had a job for CBS or is trying to get one there.

Let’s not forget the mug shot.  I may have to make a few fliers of this to post around.

I guess there were  just too many options to choose from.  I couldn’t decide which Rob would be the best to help me get through this week, so PinkPixieChick helped me out and made me this.

Thanks again Rob, you were just what I needed.

Off to post some fliers,
ZephyerSky

Yes, Rob. This is what we’ve ALL needed!!! What do you think? Did these pics come at a good time or WHAT!?

Thanks to PattinsonLife.com for the pics!

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92 Commented

Monday Funnies: Rob Pattinson or….

Dear Rob,

I’ve made it quite known over the years that I don’t need you to be a clean-cut, perfectly dressed example for male cleanliness & high-fashion (although I wouldn’t mind if you went through a Don Draper phase- just putting it out there)- I like you the way you are- flaws & all. What might bother some girls- the musty smell like a box buried deep in the back of a closet at the Salvation Army, or the slightly crusty, dried yellowy-orange spot on your pants from when you wiped the processed cheese from the hot pocket off your hands, adds to your charm.

I even drew a little picture to show you what I think your now oh-so-famous “Rob Pattinson look” means:

But last week I was perusing the interwebs and on my new favorite satirical Christian website, christwire.org, found something awfully similar:

And I’m not sure….. what is it Rob? Your own personal “look” that sets you apart? Or just the costume of your every-day chronic masterbator?

Pondering the important stuff,
UnintendedChoice

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151 Commented