You’ve made it- you know why? There are fake versions of you on Twitter. And they’re hilarious. This whole little fake world has been built. There’s a fake you, your manager Nick, agent Stephanie, your sister, your dog, Stephenie Meyer, TomStu, Kristen, Nikki Reed, all the girls you’ve rumored to have been with or impregnated, Paris Hilton… the list goes on and on! Best yet- they’re really good at pretending to do or say or “tweet” what you might actually do/so/tweet in real life. I’ve taken the liberty of jotting down my favorite tweets or convos I’ve seen in the past few weeks:
Quick Twitter lesson for the unfamiliar. You use the “@” followed by the username when you want to reply directly to someone! I’ve taken out the twitter names and used their real names- to make it easier to follow!
Fake manager- Nick:
Fake Agent- StephanieR
FakeTomStu- Tom Sturridge (Your apparent bff)
Most of these tweets are right before the Oscars and/or during the Oscars!
Nick: I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Nick: @Rob Practically a week of press without the words “inebriated” “drunk” or “stumbling” has been nice. Just a reminder.
Nick: @Rob Joaquin Phoenix is a self-important douche. I’m buying you a razor. We’ll discuss this later.
StephanieR: @Rob The only girl you need to make happy is ME. Now get a damn razor and shave. The girls love your jaw line. It makes the money.
StephanieR: Seeing this picture [of Rob] reminds me I need to schedule Rob an eyebrow wax before Sunday.
Nick: Have decided to tell Rob that the fans love the beard and he is not allowed to shave, period. That should ensure he shaves it off tomorrow.
StephanieR: Rob will be clean shaven. He cannot wear Prada with a beard. No, seriously, Prada said NO FACIAL HAIR with their tux.
StephanieR: @Nick Last time you said you had it covered, he ran off and got a buzz cut! And try to make sure the new tux is free of stains.
Nick: @TomStu Tom, stop crying. Sorry, you CANNOT walk the red carpet with Rob. And don’t drink and tweet…ever.
Nick: @Rob I’m on the way. I’m bringing a razor. I’ll tie you down if I have to. Prepare yourself.
Nick: @StephanieR Sturridge has been taken care of. You promised him a shot? What were you thinking? You know there’s no such thing as one
StephanieR: Must make sure he [Rob] doesn’t sneak a flask into the limo if he does wind up walking the Red Carpet. Can’t use the mouthwash excuse again.
StephanieR: @Rob Fine, you can have ONE shot bottle of Jack for the ride. That’s it. And please don’t spill any on that tux, it’s a rental!
StephanieR: is proud of Rob. He hasn’t been lying to me like the time he said he was using Invisalign and wasn’t; he really has been working out!
StephanieR: @Rob You are so lucky you are hot, and that teen fangirls have a low expectation of your personal hygiene habits.
The hilarity continues after the jump
Fake Tom is upset that Rob did not invite him to the Oscars. He gets drunk and makes us laugh.
StephanieR: @TomStu Tom, I’m worried. I’m not sure how much longer I can use the “He’s not drunk, he’s just British” line when talking about you
TomStu: Considering moving to Spain and changing name to Tomás. Think Spanish rap career could be v. lucrative.
TomStu: @letter2twilight ave wbeen dum[ed fpr fame nd pscars. ifod he lokewd it trhen eh dshould haqve piut a rinfg o it
*my personal favorite (and not just b/c it was a reply to us- I asked what was wrong- he replied. Translation: have been dumped for fame and oscars. if he loved it then he should’ve put a ring on it)
StephanieR: @TomStu Have you been reading “He’s Just Not That Into You?” again Tom????
TomStu: @StephanieR ye and also “men are fgrom mars womrn are from venus”. trhey’ve shown me th ati i am a valuablr individuel and rob uses me.
TomStu: will make effort to type legi… legebl… good.
TomStu: rob on nezxt. intent to chgug tequila
TomStu: seme to have fallen and canot get up
many tweets later we discover “TomStu” has been taken to the hospital for alcohol poisening
TomStu: manly nurse took my flask and yelled at me. did not cry. may have wept a bit. discharged, caught ride with nice indian man who gave me beer.
TomStu:nice indian man is apparently not-so-nice cabbie. thought he just drove a yellow car. expects fare. do not have any money. bugger.
TomStu: nice homeless man offered to share his box with me. hobo joe has beautiful soul. v. supportive when i blathered about relationship with rob.
Nick: @Kristen I saw several of the hotel staff crying and wondered why. Now I understand. Welcome to Tokyo.
We even got a letter to you from Paris Hilton a few weeks ago!
Why haven’t you been taking my calls? I am so sad without you Rob! Nikki (Hilton) keeps telling me that I should let you go but I can’t. You have dazzled me and like Bella I can no longer go on without you. I’m dying Rob please answer my calls! I thought you liked me last month at the Oscars after party? We talked for so long and well you know… How could you forget me so easily??? Didn’t you enjoy your One Night in Paris? I thought you liked it when I said: “That’s hot!” all the time. Who’s this Anika person I keep hearing about? I use Doug as a cover but you know that.
You know I thought my fans were sort of creepy but now I’m feeling the hate from yours. Some of them are just creepy!
I have stopped sleeping just to prepare myself for when you bite me and turn me into a vampire. I hear vampires only drink blood. Blood isn’t fattening is it?
And just remember I got my eye on you boy, and when I get my eye on something, it’s like search and destroy.
You’ve made it!
UC & Moon
Follow US on Twitter! We’re not fake: Letter2Twilight