Moon & I were catching up on an episode of “the Soup” last night and did a DOUBLE TAKE when we were fast-forwarding a commercial for an E! special airing TONIGHT. We rewound it right away, hoping what we thought we saw was true and thankfully, we were NOT disappointed. Tonight, on E! at 8 pm, they are airing A Twilight Destiny where ALL the secrets of your forbidden love affair will be revealed and it will be confirmed that ROBSTEN ARE OFFICIALLY ON!!!!!!! Apparently people STILL care (other than me & Moon- who care the most)
We are really looking forward to finding out ALL the juicy details of your love affair. We assume you confess to Ryan Seacrest? That’s what we always knew you’d do. You act all private & secretive, but when it comes down to it, you just want to tell a cheesy, short celebrity all about how you make each other feel. We hope you get really detailed- Do you do it on a brown bear skin rug or do you prefer a black bear rug? CHRISTMAS IDEA ALERT: Rob you should get Kristen a polar bear rug! I hear the soft white skin is gentle on the ass.
And what about type of log you use on the fire you make love in front of? Do you use one of those duraflame starter logs to get going or do you wait for the newspaper to catch on fire after striking a match? Were you the British equivalent of a boy scout, Rob, and do you prefer the tee pee or cross to start your fires? Or do YOU start the fire, Kristen? You seem the boy scout type. What do you guys do on California’s no burn days? Do you just find a nice channel on TV that shows a fire burning or do you guys use candles? What’s your favorite scent? Pine to remind you of the pacific Northwest & where it all started?
Speaking of where it started: we’re excited to find out the exact details you share with Ryan Seacrest and all the wonderful people at E! Online. How exactly did it happen? Are the rumors true, Rob, and at first you were just screwing around with Nikki Reed (until you discovered the itchy, red spots?) and you got super jealous, Kristen? When exactly did you break it off with Oregano? What was it exactly that drew you to Rob versus Oregano? You have seen the pictures right? Your ex is kinda a carbon copy of your current flame. How DID you discover how fun it was to make love in front of the burning embers of a fire? Did your dad tell you when he brought you up a stash of weed one weekend, Kristen? Was that how he & your mom conceived you?
We’ve always thought it was the moment when you guys were reading Breaking Dawn together in one of your hotel rooms, to better understand your characters, that you locked eyes after reading the phrases:
“Inside me, something had yanked the opposite direction. Ripping. Breaking. Agony….. Pieces of me shattering, snapping, slicing apart …. “The placenta must have detached!”
and realized, “This is our story- this is the story about us” We can one day have our own Renesemee.
Yes, the magicness began that night. Your Twilight destiny was sealed once you realized what your love could create- a baby with the looks of Rob Pattinson & the scowl of Kristen Stewart. A baby who likes both cats AND hot pockets. A baby you can pawn off on it’s Godfather, Taylor Lautner, on those nights when you want to strike a match, light a duraflame log and make love on your brand new panda bear-skin rug. (A gift from us, of course, congratulating you on BECOMING OFFICIAL!!!)
UC & Moon
SOOOOO are you excited for E! to share absolutely nothing new with us tonight on their Twilight Destiny special? Are you excited for them to show the same old pictures & tell the same old stories that everyone has already heard and for the believers to consider it MORE proof, the haters to say “THEY HAVEN’T ADMITTED IT SO SHUT THE EFF UP” in caps lock on twitter and for the rest of us to have a great laugh & a major eye-roll!? WE ARE! We will, of course, be out on an EPIC evening of dinner at the Kogi truck, plus a Sam Bradley show, plus the midnight showing of Eclipse, but you KNOW we’ll be up till 5 am watching all the “proof” E! has created to get sukers like us to watch their special! We can’t wait!!!