Breaking Down Rob lately… Vanity Fairy Style…
We’ve missed breaking you down. We haven’t discussed the Water for Elephants pics as much as we should have and that’s a tragedy. So guess what we’re doing today? Yep- you got it. Breaking Down some recent pictures of you, Dean & Reese Witherspoon, Vanity Fair Style!
UC: You know the first thing I’m thinking. Cause I know you’re thinking it too.
Dean is back. Where WAS he? and does he have a tan? It looks like a new buzz cut? It’s nice and short? did he…. MEET A GIRL?
Moon: Dean’s been sitting out at all the football practices Rob has been attending. He finally earned his letterman jacket this season
UC: Dean takes pictures and will make a scrapbook OR a powerpoint slide show for the end of the season banquet at Hoss’ Steakhouse
Moon: And whenever Rob goes for a tackle, Dean steps in. Dean can take down anyone. Twihards OR high school linemen
UC: I mean.. he looks thinner…. The football has been good to him
Moon: Rob might actually be scouting for college ball. SHHH dont tell
UC: Our secret. LONG BEACH STATE makes a lot of sense now- he’s playing ball for them. He’s over this acting thing & really fell in love with the LA area
Moon: who needs acting when you can smash some heads for a couple seasons?
UC: He wants to settle down.. raise a few “juniors” of his own… coach the pee wee football league.
Moon: Dean’s liking the change of pace too. He has all the under-armor shirts. All he needs is the coach shorts
UC: You know what the second thing I’m thinking though is, right? What is this LetMeSign.com? A sign language instruction site? A place where Rob goes freely to sign autographs- he begs people to let him sign things? He makes videos saying “Please let me sign your breasts and your T-shirt with my face on it”
Moon: That’s the obvious second thing to think about this picture
UC: Sigh… I’m not sure I’m into “I’m working on the railroad” Jacob Jankowski, but dayummmm I’m into “Eff me while I’m in my suit” Jacob..
Moon: Seriously. He’s pulling out all the stops here
UC: If he tap dances I might lose my shit, and I wasn’t aware I was into tap dancers
Moon: he may serve the drinks to Reese Witherspoon’s character but he’s still hot
UC: You need to read the book! Cause i don’t think that’s what happens. In fact, i have no idea why this scene happens.. i don’t’ remember it at all
Moon: NO SPOILERS!
UC: What!? You don’t want to know that after working a hard day on the railroad Jacob Janko relaxes by going downtown to perform onstage with a tap dancing troupe!?
UC: It’s his guardian angel… I think when Dean disappeared he hired this guy
Moon: His shadow!! That’s cracking me up! Never walk faster than your guardian shadow can follow
UC: I have a feeling… Rob was running from it- like.. he didn’t know..I can see him being like “Dean!?” is that you!? then starting to run…. while the shadow follows him. I’m gonna cut out the shadow. And do something awesome with it. Hump it maybe
Moon: Do it quick. Someone’s gonna sell that shadow on Etsy.
UC: Yep. On a popsicle stick.
Much, much more, after the jump!
Moon: Oh look! Rob learned from Kellan and his mom’s mammogram video. He told Reese she should be feeling her boobs up. He cares! So she’s like is this how you do it?
UC: and he knows- cause his sisters & mom had one of those laminated instruction sheets hanging in the shower like they do in college dorms
Moon: He even offered to show her since Kellan showed him how to do a breast self exam. He’s so selfless. Offering to help Reese protect herself against cancer by feeling her up.
UC: Rob: “Wait, I have To KISS her? Reese? WITHERSPOON? She’s been in REAL movies… I don’t know… are you sure?? Is this in the book?” And then she’s just staring off in space.. thinking about the Rob Porn she designed the night before
Moon: He’s thinking “wait, this is a REAL film? And I’m acting with two Oscar winners!? How did I end up here
UC: And Reese isn’t wearing a wig? What kind of movie IS this!?
UC: I also love that Reese is in a BUBBLE jacket, thus proving what i said every 5 minutes last week in LA
“WHERE AM I!? IT’S COLD HERE!”
UC: Rob is about to teach her one of his football moves
Moon: He tells Reese he’ll race her to craft services. They just put out fresh cookies. Reese is good, she can run in heels but Rob is going to trip her right at the last second
UC: Which is good because then he gets to see her ass as she falls. But then because of his gimpy foot, he falls and she gets ahead, but THEN:
UC: That dude in front is gonna beat him… but Rob knows a short cut
Moon: Dammit! The old guy is making a break for it!! but Reese and Rob take a shortcut through the porta-potties. NO ONE goes through there
UC: NOPE, well, except for Dean. Cause when he has to go.. he has to go
UC: Here it is, Reese, showing Rob how it’s done
Moon: yes that better not be awkward
UC: it will be.. since Rob will only be thinking of Kristen *sarcasm*
Moon: She’s like im 10 yrs older than you let me show you what a kiss SHOULD feel like.
UC: Seriously.. Imagine kissing Reese for a second… DANG
Moon: thats some experience- He’s probably imagining June Carter the whole time. I would be too.
UC: Dude, he probably has to run to the porta-pot to ‘take care of something’ right after. I
Then of course he meets Dean there… and discovers the real reason Dean rushes off the porta-pot every day- and not b/c of the tacos at craft services. Nope. It’s a Reese obsession. He has pictures tacked up all over the pot
Moon: Yep. It’s definitely because of the Reese side boob
UC: yep. He was on waterforelephantsfilm.com and saw it. It’s where he was for a few days, when we didn’t see him with Rob. The wife made him stay home. She was jealous… found out about his side boob viewing.
Moon: Dean needed to get his lust under control
UC: It wasn’t until he proved how much Rob needs him that she let him go back to work, begrudgingly. (Rob called at 3 am crying because the 711 by his house was out of Hot Pockets and he didn’t know how to find a different 711 using his jitterbug phone. Dean usually handles that stuff)
Moon: Dean was kinda bummed he had to go back to work though. He was deep into working on his “Respect Reese” fansite filled with photoshopped pictures of Deaneese
UC: it was good that he went back too work though.. b/c Mrs. Dean had some Rob Fan Fic to catch up on. It was a good idea in theory to keep Dean at home.. but at the end of the day.. it just messed up her Robsessing.
Moon: Men are always doing that.
UC: Leave us alone guys. We need to Robsess!
UC & Moon
Tags: , Breaking it down "Vanity-Fair-Style", Dean, Reese Witherspoon, Rob, Rob Pattinson, Rob's bodyguard, robert pattinson, Water for Elephants
« Rob, here’s my fancard I give up! | Rob’s Mailbag: Our Intern answers his mail »