Rob, pass this letter along to Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, creator of the iPhone 4 you undoubtably gave up trying to learn how to use and gave to TomStu who probably thought it was a beer coaster
I caught wind via the encyclopedia of the 21st century (aka Twitter) that there was a new iPhone app that tracked Rob Pattinson’s whereabouts called “Where is Robert?”. Immediately intrigued, I hopped on over to the App store & purchased it for a whopping $0.99. After perusing it’s features: The Rob Tracker, Rob Trivia & Rob Pictures, I sat down to pen this letter to you. And look out. I’m not happy.
This app is completely offensive. First of all, the map with Rob’s whereabouts doesn’t even link to the locations. What kind of tracker is this? Now, I’ve been to the Hotel Cafe in LA looking for Rob, but what if I hadn’t? What if I was from Beirut & opened up my app all excited to find out where Robert Pattinson was on Wednesday July 14th. I have no idea where the Hotel Cafe is. I’m from Beirut. What if there is a hotel cafe in downtown Beirut that I assume Rob is at? I get all excited, I slip into my highest heels, my shortest skirt & a push up bra and put on my dark red lipstick, preparing to woo Rob by the bar in his hotel. “Heineken” sounds so sexy in Beiruitan. But I don’t get a change to whisper “Heineken” to Rob because he’s NOT in Beirut and the Hotel Cafe turns out to be a brothel & I end up working as a high class prostitute for the rest of my life. How do you like that!? Alllllll because you refused to link on the map of Rob’s whereabouts.
Another reason I’m offended is because the app didn’t even accept my submission under the link “Rob Moved.” “In My Pants” is TO A valid location for Rob to be. I even figured out the exact GPS coordinates where my pants were at that exact moment. That took me about 7 minutes. And my submission was REJECTED as INVALID. I will never have those 7 minutes back again.
The offenses never end: Turns out the pictures section I was so excited about? LAMEEEEEEEEEEEE. Give me something I don’t have stored on my 3 external harddrives, specific for Rob pics & videos. Well, okay.. this picture was a nice addition. It’s been awhile since I’ve viewed Rob, a thinner John Mayer and 2 cocker spaniels. +3 for that effort, but the icon on my iPhone screen next to my banking app & iPeriod tracker? It’s that picture of Rob from EW in 2008 where he looks more like his wax figurine than the actual Rob Pattinson himself (see above) -3 for this feature.
And can I tell you how OFFENDED I was at the TRIVIA that was asked!? Listen to this question:
What did his sisters do to him until he was 12?
Um, I don’t know- was it something similar to what his Creepy Uncle did? Cause that’s what it sounds like you’re implying!
Lastly, I’m concerned for Robert’s safety, and that is the main reason for my letter. (And also to ask if you could ask AT&T on my behalf to let me out of my contract early so I could upgrade to the iPhone 4) With all the crazies out there, I’m not sure it’s wise to have an app that tracks Robert’s every move. For example, should this information, direct from the “Where’s Rob” screen, be public?
-June 30th: Partying it up at the Beverly Hills Hotel in LA
-July 1st: On the set of Water for Elephants in Ventura, CA!
-July 6th: Robert & Kristen Stweart last seem at LA’s Century City… Dinner and a movie last night with Spunky Ransom!
-Wed July 14 Rob was at Hotel Cafe, LA
-Tues Jul 20 Rob is cruising for burgers in his new Chevy Nova ’63!
This could do a whole lot of damage to Rob if the crazies get a hold of it. Now that they know where he was on Tuesday July 20th. Rob will never be able to cruise for a burger in a Chevy Nova ever again without people with cameras going after him. I mean tomorrow if the app reports where he was today, I plan on buying a plane ticket and going to that location- even if it ends up being the Hotel Cafe in Beirut. And we know what happens there now, don’t we Steve?
So I am asking for my $0.99 back from the purchase of the app, my innocence, a new push up bra, those 7 minutes that were stolen from me, plus a gel iPhone cover preferably in pink. You can find my information under my “Where is Robert” Score Board username. It’s “Rob’s F*ck Buddy”
This satirical piece was written after discovering that people on Twitter actually had a problem with an app that reports Rob’s location days after the fact, often on the wrong day and who are coincidentally are some of the same people on twitter who are happy to blog about and report on his location after the papparazzi, who are the ones tracking Rob down, sell the photos. I’m OFFENDED. Are you?
Dear Rob, It actually might be a good idea for you to invest $0.99 into this app- you can use it like a kinda calendar or to remember what you did the week before when you’re emailing Dick back about your life. Love, UC