A Robert Pattinson professional

Dear Rob,

Yesterday, Moon recommended my work as a “Freelance Blogger” on Linked-in & it went something like this:

UC is THE person you want in your lifeboat and in your company every day. I’ve worked with UC on launching, maintaining and creating online ventures (blogs, media, content, etc). We co-created two blogs and work together to maintain and create fresh, creative content for our rabid audience. She is punctual, persistent, creative, and always on top of the latest “thing.” There’s no one else I’d rather work with.”

After having a discussion where I asked her if she’d REALLY rather work with ME over anyone else, even if that meant you, naked (answer: yes, even then), I started thinking about what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately with you missing, off gallivanting in Europe:

Myself.

That’s right. I thought about myself. I thought about how my Linked-In profile (and resume) includes info on my “hobby” of the past almost-two years. It might seem silly, but all this blogging & social networking has actually made me better at my actual profession (in marketing). So I feel it does deserve a spot. Of course it’s all cleverly hidden under the guise of something professional.

For example, this part of my “job”:

I write letters to Rob Pattinson on a semi-daily basis with a focus on the hottest pictures, funniest content, jabs at his girlfriend and run a reader forum where there’s a place to perv over hot pictures & fight with those who disagree with you over his relationship status.

Sounds much better when it’s written this way:

I create & maintain all content with a focus on timely, applicable posts and populate a reader forum with additional information and relevant topics.

See how it’s done?

But it’s lies, Rob. White lies- words disguised in a sneaky way, wrapped in a pretty bow- to trick the readers. I want to start over. I want to be honest with those considering hiring me in the business world. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I’ve created here. So as of today I’m not. Meet: Unintended Choice- Rob Blogger

Unintended Choice

Rob Pattinson expert & blogger at Letters to Rob.com
Philadelphia, PA

Current: Freelance Writer & Blogger at LetterstoRob.com
Self-certified Expert on all things Rob Pattinson

Past: Sad, lonely, unfulfilled life, full of males who can never live up to the specimen that is RPattz

Education: Robert Pattinson School, Honorary doctorate

Summary:

Go getter, self-starter who comes up with a vision and goes after it, no matter what the obstacles. The client I have worked with as a Freelance blogger at Letters to Rob.com doesn’t know I exist. Furthermore he’s afraid of people like me, yet that hasn’t stopped me from creating a place where his fans can be completely involved in his personal business & personal space.

I have the acute ability to persist through duress, like when being called a fat, ugly, crazy cat lady. I push through the hard times when competitors try to tear down my numbers and cause me to fail. In fact, I have proven results that the struggles have increased readership and participation tenfold.

Special Skills:

  • Songwriting: Rewrote songs about the client using top 40 hits;
  • Inter-personal Relations: Expert on the client’s personal relationships;
  • Stylist: Expert on the client’s personal style- know exactly where he prefers to shop for underpants;
  • Filmography: Specifically knowledgeable about Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire and the Twilight series;
  • Translator: I have the ability to un-jumble the Rob mumble;
  • Culinary: Expert in the preferred food(s) of the client; microwaving his favorite snacks & chilling his favorite beer;
  • Graphic Design- originator of the RobPorn

Groups:                     Robsten Appreciation, Nonsten Appreciation, TomStu’s fans, RobPorn Originators

Recommendations:

Freelance Blogger at LetterstoRob.com

Do you need some pictures of Rob with mildly suggestive text written over them? Then UC is your girl. Is your company lacking someone who will spend 3/4 of their time on Rob and Twilight sites instead of doing work for your construction/sales/marketing/ad/medical company? Don’t look any further than UC. She’ll drop whatever she’s working on the moment news breaks. She’ll gladly travel for work- preferring travel to London, LA & New Orleans this Fall. And no matter what, the client will always be satisfied. Or he will at least when he finds out she exists.

I truly am a Rob Pattinson Professional!

Love,
UC- err that’s Doctor Unintended Choice to you!

What do you think? Does my Resume/Linked-In profile look right? Am I missing any important “tasks” or special abilities?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

63 Responses to “A Robert Pattinson professional”

  1. robgirl86 says:

    Hilarious ! Dr.UC , I would add…

    Dr.UC hc in Rp (honoris causem in Rob porn)!!!!!

    I think you deserve the seriousness in which Moon recommended you, cause I learned in my Rob-love, that the fandom is something very serious (read “ridiculous”)!
    The fandom will eat themselves one day I think, just saw that another blog disappeared cause of fights!
    Let that please never happen over here UC, this is a happy place I hope! And if you are entitled old fat cat lady, you’ll laugh it away, I know that!
    As lovely Rob is, as creepy is a part of the people who claim to “love” him!

    and
    the Mister is back in LA! So BD prep. will begin soon…Tom, one question, what did you do to Rob’s guitar ??? ..or did you run out bags, looks weird that guitar case…:-)

  2. Rob's Flaming Dashboard says:

    Dr Awesome!
    Just a drive by post to say thanks for the LOL s this morning as always. And Robs landed safe in LA, hooray!

  3. robgirl86 says:

    “A Robert Pattinson professional”

    mhmmm, dunno about english BUT in german the title sounds…let’s say “DURRRRTYYY!” 🙂

  4. Cazza says:

    You forgot to mention that you are an expert in recycling and minimizing your carbon footprint by identifying appropriate dumpsters in which to, err, recycle your waste.

    X

  5. Great oral skills: elequency (obviously).
    Could easily create a press adress book: proficienct in online stalking.
    Communicative: made friends with The Pattinson Pants Lady.
    Team spirit: had sex with co-worker and client (cf “Details” photoshoot)

    Seriously what if the real employers ask you about the blog you mentioned, what you say?

  6. dazzledtodeath says:

    Moon would rather work with you over naked Rob? Wow, she’s a keeper. I’d throw almost anyone under the bus for that opportunity.

  7. no cool name says:

    I wouldn’t be so sure that Rob doesn’t know you exist…if I was a ridiculously popular celebrity with a sense of humor (which I’m thinking he has) I would want a blog about me exactly like this.

    • JellyBeanRainbow says:

      He knows!

      • drsaka says:

        That would be so great, if he knows about this and reads it. Rob, it all in fun.

        • drsaka says:

          Well, I hope he didn’t read that. I’ll try again.
          Rob, it’s all in fun.

          • Cath says:

            Hahaha, nope, sorry drsaka, he did read it and is now on his way to arrest you, as he is a member of the British Spelling Police. They drive in little red vans which double as cabs. And yes, he´s not afraid to use handcuffs when he will arrest you for abuse of the Queen´s English.

          • drsaka says:

            I’d even submit to a citizen’s arrest by Rob himself. And you’ve been reading too much fanfic, Cath.

          • Cath says:

            Me? FF? Naaaahhhh…

            Sorry, but Rob only does make arrests when he’s wearing his tight leather British Spelling Police (BPS) outfit. He will then proceed to bring you before the BIJ…

            Um…What???

            Oh no, not THAT BIJ, I mean the British (Spelling) Institution Judge…

            Hehehe… 😉

          • drsaka says:

            Hmmm, I think you’re not telling the truth about the ‘too much fanfic’.

    • Cath says:

      Hi Rob! I like your subtle hint, but don’t worry dear, we already know you read Moon and UC’s fabulous blog for you every day! 😉

    • MidnightCougar says:

      I think you could be right about him knowing about LTR, UC & Moon b/c he has admitted, in different interviews, that he checks out some of his fan sites! & since this a specialty site, just for letters to him, I’m sure he’s checked it out!!

  8. “unjumble the Rob mumble”!
    Bwahhahaaa…

  9. Wendy says:

    “Un-jumble the Rob mumble” is one of the greatest things you have ever said on here…

  10. The Old One says:

    Somewhere in there should be mentioned that you are 99% more accurate and timely in tracking and locating your subject than the “Where’s Rob” iPhone app!

  11. jstanley says:

    I can’t belive there’s an ACTUAL ROBERT PATTINSON SCHOOL!!! AN IT’S LEGIT, looks like they started in 1992 so it’s not a recent name change. How strange is that to have a school with your name? How strange it must be for the students and faculty now that Rob is uber fa mous??? Really, would you want that on your resume? I went to the robert pattinson school? http://www.rps.lincs.sch.uk/index.phtml?d=22750

  12. jstanley says:

    And just who is this Robert Pattinson the school was named after?

  13. jstanley says:

    And really UC – how did you find this Robert Pattinson school?

  14. drsaka says:

    Dar Dr. UC,
    After careful consideration and review of other candidates’ CVs, we are pleased to announce that you are the top candidate for the position in our fictitious company. We’d hire you in a heart beat and would allow you as much time and as many resources you’d need to continue the fine work that you have been doing as a ‘Robert Pattinson Professional’. Keep up the good work and see you at the next imaginary staff meeting.

    Sincerely;
    drsaka

    PS- I love being described as ‘rapid’.

  15. masochisticlioness says:

    Oh yeah, and since I am the self proclaimed CFO of the imaginary company, I’m goint to announce that we are making so much money due to UC’s marketing skills, that we bid on tickets to meet Rob on Ebay, and won with an overwhelming bid of 100,000 per ticket, and we are all going to the set of BD for a day. We had our choice of Vancouver or Baton Rouge, and we chose BR, because we didn’t want to share Rob with that other 60,000 dollar winner, in Vancouver. Not only that, but for our whopping 100 k per ticket, and lets see that would be about ten tickets, so a million bucks, we get to see Rob naked. He has agreed to a million dollar strip tease show. See what money can buy? Thanks UC, it’s all due to your Rob professionalism.

  16. masochisticlioness says:

    Ah, and we need to get busy and name this imaginary company, so we are now open for suggestions!

  17. alice_av says:

    Dr. UC,
    Will you be interested in a position to teach a class about Robert Pattinson? We will give you free program to fill out with the topics you think are important to everyone who wish to follow your footsteps.
    Please contact us, as soon as you can.
    Regards,
    Pillowbite University

  18. Cath says:

    UC, you are my idol, as I’m striving towards being a Rob Pattinson professional for a while now, haha.

    But I think I’ll reset my goal for the time being. Will ask a classical barber to teach me the art of shaving…
    Want to reveal Rob’s Edward soon. (ie. removement of the Rob beard)

    So I’m now sharpening the blades, wait, um, does that sound scary??? I think I suddenly got an idea for a Halloween story…

  19. Janetrigs says:

    UC truly stand for = U so Crazy

  20. Stacey says:

    I would hire you, you funny girl. Maybe you can explain Rob things to me. Because, some days, even on Rob’s lumberjack ones I get distracted by his pretty.

  21. L says:

    I just had to send in my resume today (and let me tell you, overnighting things to NYC from Switzerland is not cheap. I could use some robporn after the day I’ve had!) and I only wish it looked this awesome.
    UC, I would hire you a million times over. In fact, I have a job for you right now. The customer? *The World*
    The World is in need of rob porn, jaw porn, and hot pocket porn- in that order.
    Do you accept my offer?

    p.s. OK, I just followed that link for Robpatz school. I thought it was going to be that post you guys did a while back about classes about rob at rob-uni or something…but no, A REAL SCHOOL?! wowza

  22. roslynselene says:

    Dear Rob,

    Maybe you don’t poop rainbows (see comment 2 posts ago), but you did make rainbows appear in the LA yesterday while it was still 90 degrees. Thunder too! Maybe mother nature can’t control herself around you either. And for that, I blame you.

    Now make the heat go away,
    Roslyn

  23. HAHAHAHAA

    “I have the ability to un-jumble the Rob mumble;”

    love it

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