It has come to our attention that you were recently spotted out to dinner in West Hollywood California & pictures were taken
Upon being viewed by ourselves, the following conversation occurred:
The one where we know where you should go instead
UC: Okay so let’s have a serious convo: I’ve been to LA- I’ve seen the sites. I know that Weho (west hollywood) is the LAST PLACE someone who doesn’t want to be papped would go. So that leaves us with two options
1) Rob & Kristen WANT to be papped..
Moon: Uh oh, you said “Rob & Kristen” and weren’t intentionally trying to make fun. Prepare to get the beat down, UC
UC: Meh. Bring it. 2) They don’t book their own restaurant reservations
Moon: I think it’s both of those.
UC: But Rob & Kristen HATE been seen in public. They would NEVER EVER EVER go willingly to a public place in the one place in the world where there are more paparazzi than ANYWHERE else
Moon: And They don’t make their own reservations cause they’re STARS
UC: Right. And also Rob can’t work anything but the Jitterbug phone. So WHO makes STARS restaurant reservations?
Moon: Plus their people want them seen. So wham bam thank you pam (their assistant)
UC: Do their assistants call? Which, as far as we know….. they don’t have..
UC: Besides Pam! They DO have managers- specifically ROB does…. and one who is pretty slimy and squirely. SO.. did Nick tell Rob & K he got them ressies at a Red Lobster in the Valley where “no one will know who you are?” But instead he sends them to Weho. And not just ANYWHERE in Weho- to eat ITALIAN
Moon: Big Daddy is pissed off somewhere
UC: It’s real life Bella & Edward out eating ITALIAN!! And Stephenie is excited & praying that at least one of them ordered mushroom ravioli. Steph Meyer- not Ritz. It’s her fantasy come true.
Moon: Right, Ritz is more of a lasagna-type of girl. Do you think the waitress was like OMG!!! It’s like Bella and Edward really at Bella Italia, and they’re really ordering mushroom ravioli! And then she was like “well I should go try to put the moves on Rob- this being life imitating art and all”
UC: Yes. I think that’s exactly what happened. Except it was a gay guy waiting on them. It is Weho & all
But seriously- what do we have to do to get these two to listen to US? ROB & KRISTEN: WE WILL MAKE YOUR DINNER RESSIES And they will be NOWHERE near Beverly Hills, Weho or anything with “wood” in its name.
Moon: We will send you somewhere were no one has a camera- a commune in Utah.
MUCH more after the jump!
The one where people from the Valley don’t know much about LA
ALSO you forgot to bring up possible point number 3 about this
UC: That’s not possible. I’m perfect
Moon: #3. They called the paparazzi to let them know they’d be there (or whoever made the rez did since thats a pretty common practice amongst celebs)
UC: That DEF happened. Nikki Reed probably called them
Moon: I mean its more of a D-list move but still
UC: I think Nick only knows how to be a D-list manager
UC: Fine- maybe a C minus- list manager.
Here are two other things I’m thinking, while we’re making lists:
1) Rob & Kristen are dumb. LIke really dumb. especially Kristen who GREW UP in the area. And they really think LA is only Beverly Hills & West Hollywood. Rob heard about Compton in the movies & asked about it when he first visited, but someone told him it was made up for that gang movie he liked. It’s pretty sad- he thinks Snoop is made up too- kinda like Santa.
Moon: I was just thinking the same thing. How does Kristen NOT know. I mean seriously. Or is she just SO not about the scene that she doesn’t even know these things???
UC: I mean… do people from the Valley NEVER leave the Valley? Your roommate is from the Valley- does she always beg you to go to out in the 90210 every Friday night?
Moon: Yes. Kristen must really be too busy playing with the wolf hybrids her mom has in the backyard that keep PapaStew from wanting to touch Momma in a sexy times way
The one where TomStu is creeping.. yet again
UC: My second point was….. It’s kinda sad. I mean… I don’t know when Kristen got back from New Orleans cuz I really don’t care to look it up, but I bet it was just the other day since Rob just got back
Moon: yes. And Tom is here
UC: So Rob & K are tired of being cooped up in the house, microwaving their dinner (Think they tried Lean Cuisine’s new line of dinners?)
Moon: French bread pizza on the little silver box all the way. Why fix it if ain’t broke?
UC: And Tom won’t leave them alone- they can’t even hold hands without him getting jealous these days!
Moon: Tom was seen out with them- I love when pictures magically cut him out!
UC: Wait… Tom was OUT with them? The 3 musketeers went OUT? That’s even sadder. So they want a change of scenery- with plans to sneak out while Tom is taking his weekly shower. So they call up Nick- ask him to book ressies somewhere private and NOT ONLY do they end up in WE-HO with the paps on their tail, but Tom jumps in the backseat before they know what’s happening, hair dripping wet like a drowned rat
Moon: He thought it was an in-n-out run, not a romantic date with mushroom ravioli and gay men. If he would have known about the gay men he would have dressed up & put on his BEST white puffy sneakers
UC: Wait… did you make that up or was Tom really there?
Moon: No he was seen out with them according to the twitters- which never lie- unless this is a diff night
The one where we’re too snobby for that restaurant
UC: Are you familiar with a restaurant in Weho like that with a puke brown door? It looks like something found around where I grew up- a small hole in the wall Italian joint. Like Fassagios off Ridge Road where it kinda smells like a mildew basement but they serve a mean gnocchi.
Moon: THIS (Ago Restaurant) is not the kind of restaurant RON goes to. He goes to Fassagios
UC: OMG- website music! Rob doesn’t go to restaurants where their websites have entry music. WAIT. ROBERT aka BOB DENIRO IS AN OWNER. It’s official. They went because Rob thought his hero would be the one making the spaghetti!!!!
Moon: UGH the website Music!!! Like Seriously? Why are restaurants still doing that?! And why do they still have flash intros?! HELLO MOBILE users are your main clientele
UC: I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOB GET WITH THE TIMES
Moon: BOB- you gotta be mobile optimized dummy!
UC: Also- find a more flattering pictures of your owners
Moon: Welcome to “Breaking down AGO’s website, Vanity Fair Style” Rob who? It looks like they painted the front door with some clearance sale foundation in toasted almond
UC: L’oreal sponsors them. They had a batch go bad- so gave it to Bob & Co. for the restaurants. Their South Beach location used their spoiled “Rougue” lipstick for their doors
Moon: Kristen just wiped some off the walls for her going out look. Trattoria front door has always been the look she’s going for
The one where Rob wants a new shirt
Moon: Pap- “hmmm that guy kinda looks like someone famous…. oh well gotta get a shot of bob Deniro next to these freshly painted doors”
UC: You KNOW Rob thought about asking that dude for his shirt. “I’ll let you take as many pics as you can in 30 seconds if I can just have your flannel”
The pap’s like “Who are you again?” His stalk sheet says “Pattinson- bearly recognizable under grizzly-bear Beard”
Moon: Flannel is the best thing to lure Rob with!
UC: That & a dadcase- Dude did his RESEARCH
Moon: “I’ll give you this flannel if you act like you’re punching Robert Deniro in the balls- clearly he’s a unicorn LTR reader paparazzi
The one where Rob gets rated
Moon: Rob has a new shirt clearly. Paired with the same ol’ jeans. And dad’s jacket.
UC: is that purple? Purple is SUCH a dad color. You know what that means?
Moon: I think its a royal blue
UC: Still= Dad. It’s Dick’s.
Moon: It’s whatever Clare got Dick last christmas from the Ralph Lauren sale
UC: Rob took it from him on his recent trip home
Moon: also I’m like 100% sure MY DAD has this jacket. From Chaps. I’m going to find it when I go home.
UC: I’m fairly sure that ALL dads had that in brown in the 80s. I know my Uncle Gary still breaks it out once the cool weather arrives
Moon: like Rob did here. It dropped below 70 and people started getting out parkas. I’m currently wearing uggs
UC: Ugh you spoiled Californians.
Same old Black pants right? Just got washed on his trip home- the cupcake stain FINALLY came out…. Mom’s work wonders with the Tide
Moon: Can we talk about the return of the beanie???
UC: I know.. i was just gonna say.. or lament… or sigh…..
Moon: It looks like he got his pocket lint on it
UC: It’s gross. I mean…. he does ONE THING right- and shaves that beard right off. but then he has to cover up his head with THAT thing again sick!
Moon: One step forward and then two steps back cqause he brings out the beanie. Geeeeezzzzzz we just want to LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
UC: PLUS ONE- Rob shaves
MINUS TWO he brings back the beanie
PLUS ONE he goes out in public
Moon: Minus 5 he brings kstew
UC: PLUS 3 he brings Tom
But Minus 1 B/c we’re not 100% certain
Moon: Plus 1 for ago reusing L’oreals old product and saving the earth from harmful paint fumes
UC: He’s at Minus 2 and we haven’t even talked about his shoes yet! That’s another Minus 3 right there.
Moon: Minus 1 because it looks like someone took a dump on the restaurant doors
UC: Minus 12 because his blacks don’t match. Plus 5 for the new shirt from Dick’s closet
Moon: Plus 2 for making us think of Dick (pattison) with the shirt and jacket
Moon: But I think we’re still in the red, Rob- geez
UC: Yeah. It was a bad night out. Total: Minus 11
Sorry Rob. You had us at “Out for Italian” But Weho? Really? Get a new manager. We’re available if you’re ready to hire a new one. Our services come FREE with a happy ending.
UC & Moon