Last night I got a few anxious texts and saw a bunch of tweets about you and an alligator. I didn’t know what was going on because my head was spinning to fast with thoughts of Chris Weitz on Twitter to find out. I just knew it’d be something UC and I would end up breaking down the next day. Soooo here we are…
The one where we try to Break It Down without even seeing it
Moon: dude have you seen the “alligator” pic yet? i havent even looked
UC: no! NO idea what it is
Moon: its the vanity fair cover! someone scanned the photos
UC: ohhhh with a hat? alligator!? why!?
Moon: i dont know… that’s what they do in new orleans?
UC: its’ for WFE right?
Moon: maybe he was doing a steve irwin memorial piece?
Moon: im sure he was a huge fan
UC: let’s discuss it before we even see it… pretend to be “Such rob experts” that we don’t even NEED To see the pictures to know the essence
Moon: DONE. we’re breaking it down without even SEEING the material, we’re this good (slash need a life)
Moon: so it’s probably been like what 5 years since the croc hunter was killed by a sting ray, so maybe he loved the show a lot. watched with his fam. and then wanted to do something to show his appreciation to bindi irwin and the fam
A LOT of time passes…
Moon: are you secretly looking at it?
UC: yes i couldn’t wait ever since you texted me at 2 am I’ve been thinking about it.i couldn’t sleep, just waiting for this moment when I could look at the alligator
Moon: its true. i knew we would need to talk about it so i refused to look and went back to obsessively tweeting to and about Chris Weitz. true story
Moon: he tweeted a pic of his CUTE CUTE CUTE kid next to THE PANTS (not of the pattinson variety) and i was a goner
UC: NO!! THE PANTS? did he do that FOR US? this is true? or is this a dream? b/c it sounds like a dream next you’re gonna tell; me he has boxers that say DILF cuz that’s also a dream of mine
Moon: maybe we have been Incepted because it was the pants AND Weitz on twitter AND some cute kid AND rob with an alligator… lots of dreams intersecting here
UC: I can’t tell what is a dream or reality. It’s all too good to be true
Moon: somewhere leo knew we needed some Inceptizing in our lives since November – most of February was SO boring
Moon: go to the photo and look at the 1st comment (it’s actually the 4thish now name: lynntribbsomething). i may have left that….
UC: omg hahahhahahaha
Moon: isnt his kid freaking cute?
UC: omg that kid is cute
Moon: its like a mini chris
UC: put him next to a alligator and Imma goner
Moon: cause that’s safe.
The one where we finally get down to business
Moon: so back to rob…. id just like to add there was NO alligator/crocodiles in YENTL so this reptile is NOT acceptable for this photoshoot. Didn’t they read our initial Breakdown?
UC: Would a lizard be better?
Moon: no a goat or something. yentl is in poland not the swampy south. HELLO VANITY FAIR
Moon: ok so should we look now… OMG THERES A BUNCH! get ready… ok lets start with the cover…
Moon: OMGGGGG!!!!i die. literally i die laughing. im currently dying.
UC: hahha aOMG hahhaa no NOOOO oh poor Rob
Moon: is the hat on sideways?
UC: all the jokes…. I think it’s backwards… he will be RIPPED ALIVE by people who live to rip Rob alive
Moon: i mean his face is hot but theres an alligator near it
UC: this is unbelievable…i mean…. no… he has like.. a ranchers outfit on. that belt… BELT with jeans?? is he 47. don’t tell me he has white sneakers on too
Moon: he has a cell phone on the belt. the jitterbug is in a holster now
UC: his fingernails look manicured. his shirt- it’s too big
UC: who STYLED this???? a 200 year old man?
Moon: I KNOW!!! where’s the tailor?? or the photo shopper?
UC: photo shopper. STEP IN
Moon: i mean get any manip. creating rob fan on this and you’ll have him shirtless in 5 minutes with a 10pack and an oddly colored body… and tighty whities
UC: exactly. you know how everyone takes off the writing on images, the tags? shirt… gone pants gone. belt ON!!! just keep the belt on photoshoppers. belt on his undies
Moon: shoppers will make the alligator a weight bar for the nonstens and kstew for the robstens
UC: no seriously.. WHO thought this was a good idea?
Moon: ok, HE LOOKS HOT but everything ON him is not hot. it’s a lot of WHY? and is it irony that theres a title line on the cover that reads “the kid who brought chaos to the internet” uhhhhh GUILTY
UC: hahahahah GUILTY! another tagline: “geeks gone wild” TRUE… geeks wear belted jeans & white tucked in shirts
Moon: so, the whole magazine is about him this month.
The one where we make a lot of really bad band jokes
Moon: ok palate cleanser….
UC: ohhhh hottttt that’s the Robbie we like. Piano. Fitted clothes. No white sneaks
(please photoshop Rob in a pair of super white sneakers… do it to this picture)
Moon: the shirts still too big but he can wet my reed anytime!
Moon: HOLLER WOODWIND JOKES!!!
UC: you’re such a h00r. hahha
Moon: i love the clarinet just artfully laying on top of the piano. WHY? id rather have rag time robbie playing the upright… there’s also half a sousaphone/tuba laying down there. now THAT would be sexier than the cover and white sneakers. rob playing a sousaphone!
UC: YES hahahah ps.. back to the front cover it said something about “Robert Wresltes out of the twilight saga” wrestles so i think the thought was .. he’s wrestling an alligator but… i’d rather see him wrestle a sousaphone or a big ass tuba
UC: or me
Moon: that’d make for better cover and who doesnt find a sousaphone player sexy?!
UC: i’d really rather see him wrestle me…right. I do
Moon: again with the band jokes!
UC: haha duh dum ching
Moon: think about him wearing the little beret all the sousaphone players wore… big puffed cheeks. twilight written on the side of the instrument… him wrestling it
UC: is it hot in here?
Moon: it is or maybe it’s just the hot air coming from the tuba
The one where we guess what Rob is…
Moon: alright lets move right along
on the wrong side of the car again i see…. america is so confusing
Moon: so where do we think he’s driving to?
UC: A zoo or maybe to in-n-out
Moon: a steve irwin museum… maybe bindi irwin’s new live show? to pick tom stu up for a swamp boat tour? on his way to get those clothes tailored?
UC: let’s hope
Moon: Rob’s going to *insert joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
id like to think thats really what he’s doing
UC: me too!!!
Moon: i wish i could read the text on the scan better… something about “forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is blah blah blah”
UC: Let’s fill in the blank…
Moon: Ok, “”forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is……”
UC: “DTF with anyone”
“IN love with his stuffed alligator?
“A fan of all sorts of reptiles?”
Moon: “secretly president of the reptiles of the world club”
UC: “really into stark white sneakers”
Moon: “loves to tuck stuff in”
UC: “in love with these two bloggers”
hahaha THE TUCK
UC: “loves to tuck stuff in as proved in Little Ashes”
Moon: “secretly wishing he was chris weitz”
UC: “Really jealous of Chris Weit’z mustard pants”
Moon: “is confused about how real cell phones work”
“is wondering whether he really is team edward or team jacob… they are impressive abs”
Moon: “is wondering how dry cleaning works. if it’s dry and there’s not soap….”
UC: “How the Oscars made him sing a song he never recorded”
The one where we almost call this the worst
Moon: alrighty last but defs not least (weird)
UC: waiting for his kosher pickle… he gets one at the end of each day. like SERIOUSLY?
Moon: it’s like Balki got lost at the train station in Mypos…..
UC: his mom… the modeling agent is gonna have a heart attack: “My poor baby has been RUINED” someone deserves to get FIRED over this one!
Moon: he looks mid sentence… she did NOT teach this pose at the barbazon / john robert powers modeling school in Barnes!
UC: no she did NOT
Moon: she taught the “swish and swirl” and the “look, smolder, dazzle” but NOT the “midsentence” modeling pose
Moon: why do these clothes look so hick?! and not even GOOD hick? i could dismiss hick if he were wearing wranglers and boots and was all hot cowboy-ed out.
UC: it’s the WORST PHOTOSHOOT EVER
Moon: WOAH WOAH THERE! i think you’re forgetting zigot rob…. let’s not jump the gun on “worst ever!!” We have come a LONG way. this is may be the ODDEST ever…
UC: hahhaha yes you’re right. sorry. I apologize
Moon: its alright we’re all a bit confused and scared: alligator rassler, rag time robbie, hanging in a car rob and lost hick/preacher boy… what do these things have in common???
UC: vanity fair, so sure that this issue will be a best seller because it’s ROB, putting forth no effort/money/quality?
Moon: they should know the POWER of a vanity fair photoshoot. i mean it created US!! we started because of their first twi spread/BTS video. and they phone it in with this oddness?
UC: right….. i mean.. this is probably one, if not THE last during the twi craziness…. they end it with THIS?
Moon: he is super hot and i can see why they just feel like anything goes, but still?! they didnt even get naked girls or bathtubs like Details mag. at least get some local baton rouge “working girls” to spice things up
UC: Breaking it Down Vanity Fair style just changed to Breaking it Down “Down home, alligator wrangling” style
Moon: “breaking it down TUBA style”
“breaking it down belted denim with too large shirt and dad phone style”
Moon: man i think i gotta make a run to the news stand at lunch… across from the chateau marmot… how apropos
UC: i hope Robsten is there making magic
Moon: i hope i can see a glimpse of a bearskin rug
UC: i think you can. I heard that you can see it
Moon: *insert another joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
Moon: i’ll bring my super telephoto lens the one that helps show them holding wrists
Really Rob, an alligator? Weird. But dude those eyes? Like WOAH! And don’t you worry I will trek my happy lil arse BACK down to the news stand again tomorrow to
gaze at the chateau for the bearskin rug see if the magazine came in.
RIP Steve Irwin!
UPDATE: According to the news stand guy who called his distributor if you’re in LA you can get Alligator Rasslin’ Rob Vanity Fair TODAY!
So what are your thoughts? Loving the alligator? Asking a lot of WHY’s? But how hot is he?! Those eyes!