Some Press Advice for Rob
I’m back, but Moon is not. So we’re still on a sort-of hiatus. Plus I have NOTHING to write to Rob! Thankfully you all do!
I am writing to you in the hope that this letter will find you before the press junkets and worldwide tours begin for Breaking Dawn pt 1. I have a favour to ask you my lovely. You are a VERY wealthy young man who could solve the global financial crisis single-handed with coins found down the back of your sofa.You have the whole world at your feet and the adoration of every woman with a vagina and an imagination (*waving*). Bearing this in mind, could you make a conscious effort to remember the following points before each interview and appearance:
1. It’s ALL because of Twilight.
2. Had Cathy H decided to give the role of Edward to someone she didn’t blatantly fancy herself, you’d be squatting in a damp London basement on a filthy mattress surrounded by fellow directionless, broke, unemployed, middle-classed, bearded young men called Alfie, Bay and Rayban with worrying personal hygiene issues.
3. With reference to points 1 and 2, please show more gratitude to the magicness and stop pretending to be irritated that you have to keep talking about it every year instead of ‘real’ acting roles in which you desperately scramble for the BAFTA award you’ll never win because a, furrowing your brow doesn’t always convey emotion and b, smoking isn’t acting.
4. Stop pretending Twilight is a silly teenage thing for 12 year olds who scream ‘bite me’ at premieres because most of the ones who queue to watch your work and buy the DVD’s are long past 12, have respectable credit ratings, mortgages, pension plans and impressive careers which we’ve used to fund purchases of your dodgy back catalogue. Life for most modern women is unrewarding, harsh and tedious and we visit Robland to help us get through the shit. We’re the ones keeping you in beer, granola bars and rescue dogs. Remember us with affection – don’t judge us.
5. Look at Taylor Lautner. Forget the meat patties and frightening muscle development on such a small boy and instead look at his gratitude. That kid loves twilight and we LOVE him for it. He had no shame in publicly volunteering his services for the inevitable Jake/Renneessmeeeee low budget, Scooby doo inspired, spin-off series in every interview he’s done since New Moon came out and we want to adopt him because of it.
6. Stop giving your opinion to wardrobe departments. You may know how to dress Robert Pattinson (that’s debatable sometimes) but you haven’t got a clue how to dress a 109 year old Edwardian vampire. Low crotched Karate pants do not rock. Tweed pea coats do. In cynical moments I sometimes wonder if you do it on purpose (“yeah Bill Condom, as the No.1 star of the franchise and the person the fans really queue to see I was thinking that Edward would definitely wear an Easter bonnet during lovemaking scenes. I feel it’s part of his CHARACTER isn’t it Bill…….*snigger*?”).
Please don’t be offended by my letter. Understand that you rock my world to the extent that I feel able to have the conversation that every other follower of your work wanted to have but chickened out because you have lovely hands. Please be aware that should you choose to ignore everything in my letter, I would still marry you regardless as you’re startlingly pretty and I’m not an idiot.
Bunty’s so right- what is wrong with us that after all of the above & even if Rob ignored all our advice, we’d STILL want him!?
Ya know how the Rob-love has died down for a lot of people? Some of our favorite bloggers have stopped blogging, Rob’s hair is NOT his most positive attribute & well, it’s been awhile since a photoshoot reminded us that he does actually shower? Yeah. I’m there too. But I know that despite that MANY PEOPLE still love him to pieces (present company included considered LTR is still running) And I want to know WHY. I want to post two-sides of the story. I have one negative view I’d like to feature with a positive view. Will you email yours to me? Or, hey, if you’re only feeling negative- send that through too- I’m sure I’ll be getting more than 1 positive view to post. Keep it short & sweet- nothing too fancy. And include links to any pictures you’d like! THANKS firstname.lastname@example.org