A letter to Rob Pattinson: A 2 parter

Dear Rob,

Sigh… one of these days I’ll be writing you not because you did something ridiculous to your head. This is not one of those days.

What did you do to your head?

Moon & I are praying so freakin’ unbelievably hard convinced that this has something to do with a role, right?

Moon thought maybe your next role is as a super villain in avengers. I thought maybe there was gonna be a sequel to 50/50. Or maybe you are the voice of “Mr. Potato Head” in a new animated movie and you misunderstood the note you read where the animators would take YOUR looks and adopt them to Mr. Potato Head’s animated face & thought you had to arrive to read your lines looking like Mr. Potato Head himself (good job.)

Then we thought outside of the new role idea since we haven’t heard any gossip around town (that would be Moon, in LA. No one is gossiping about movies in Philly unless you’re thinking about that one time last week when I complained that I didn’t see “Young Adult” before it left the theaters)

We thought maybe your hats were starting to smell, and instead of washing your hair or getting new hats, you shaved his head. Or maybe you caught lice from Kristen. Or TomStu. Or both. Maybe to celebrate TomStu becoming a dad, and possibly to subconsciously share your worries the the baby will take your place, you shaved your head as “soft as a babies bum” so that Tom won’t forget you.

Or maybe you lost a bet. You & Kristen bet on who would knock up a girl first- Kellan or Jackson. (Read LTT today, ps) and you lost. Don’t worry- that was a toughie. Although my money would have been on Jackson since we’re still not convinced Kellan is straight.

Or have you become a Yogi? You’re on the path to enlightenment and your hair was weighting you down?

Whatever the reason…. I’m sure it was a good one. Wait. No I don’t. I’m actually completely POSITIVE it was a horrible reason. And it probably had something to do with you wanting to not be recognized.

How’d that work out? Pretty well, right?

Part 2:

Oh yessss there’s a part 2 in my thoughts to you today, Rob! Mostly because today I saw this headline and immediately thought of you:

Daniel Radcliffe Reveals He’s Had One-Night Stands with ‘Harry Potter’ Groupies!

Will this ever be you, Rob? When Twilight is over & you’re no longer under contract with Summit, will you come out & admit you got a handy in a closet at a Twicon in 2008? Will you admit, as Harry Potter himself does, that after a drunken evening or two, maybe after you devoured an IN-N-Out burger, you got freaky with a fan in a “I drive like Edward Cullen” Volvo?

I have to confess when I first read this headline about poor little innocent Daniel Radcliff, attacked by tons of girls called Mrtyle asking him to make them “moan,” I read that Daniel was getting it on with GROUPS of Harry Potter fans. Which gave me so much joy- did each member of the group have a wand (a literal wand.. not the manly kind)? Did they wear hats? Did anyone bring a broom? Did Ron ever join them? How about Neville? The hot version of Neville, not the odd-looking version?

But sadly, I realized I read the headline wrong. But not before I imagined what YOU getting it on with a GROUP of Twilight fans would look like:

There’d be plastic fangs, of course- the girls would think it’s funny- Heineken to loosen everyone up, Muse would be the soundtrack, everyone would be in “Team Taylor” underwear (another thing they’d think is funny (it is)) and of course all Biel’s You Tube videos would be playing on the TV In the background. Then of course afterwards everyone would snack on hot pockets & dino-shaped chicken nuggets.

Sounds good to me, how about you? Moon & I are available the following weekends, and we’ll round up a few other girls once we nail down a date:

Weekends we’re available: all of them

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think of Rob’s head? Why did he do it? Would you join an orgy with Rob? Dumb question: Do you think Rob has ever had a one-night stand with a fan?

You can still help my sister!

My sister is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. And for another week or so there is a GREAT online store called Fresh Words Market with really cool products & prints giving 50% of each sale directly to Abriendo Mentes. Need a Valentine’s Day gift? Get one here! Seriously. Their stuff is great!

Shop Fresh Words Market for a Great Cause!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

47 Responses to “A letter to Rob Pattinson: A 2 parter”

  1. onemoreorless says:

    I don´t believe, little Harry had one-night-stands yet…he´s just rebelling against his softy image. It´s working – he needs some manly stories. In my opinion, Rob has to deal with the opposite. He has to appear more innocent, than he probably is. Well, that´s what I hope.
    And I like his bald head. Makes the fact, that I will never ever be able to do him somewhere in a closet more bearable. Thank you barber!

    • The Old One says:

      I agree these stories of Little Harry being drunk on set and having sex with groupies are exaggerated to make him seem more manly. Plus he seems to have borrowed Rob’s eyebrows (which are more manly than sex with groupies any day!).

      • MariaCecilia says:

        That’s so funny! I’ve got a teenage boy in my acquaintaince who keeps getting told he looks like Dan and Rob both, and I think it’s all about the eyebrows!

  2. Melissa Twilightlover says:

    Best line ever: “Weekends we’re available: all of them”

    Yes, he’s gotten it on with a fan. Probably on the mall tour of America in a back closet of Hot Topic. After that he got Kristen so the rest of us are just faceless blobs. Sigh.

  3. Jess says:

    Omg, dying over “dino shaped chicken nuggets”.

  4. tiffanized says:

    Yeah. Rob looks like Gump in that picture. I feel sorry for that woman, waiting to meet Rob, longing, lusting, and when the big moment arrives all she can think is “Oh Bubba nooooo.”

    • MariaCecilia says:

      That’s reality for you dear..but honestly? Rob could never make me think that..much more likely I’d choke on my saliva instead!

  5. MariaCecilia says:

    1. His head: I think Rob is hopefully going to be in a superhero movie soon, and he doesn’t want his abundant hair to mess with his latex hood. Couldn’t we have him as “Captain Britain”, with a tight-fitting costume like the British flag with a portrait of the queen on his chest? Off to save the Empire with his smouldering gaze!

    2. I would definitely join an orgy that had Rob in it! Provided we made it a 2-person orgy, that is. TomStu can look, but he better not touch!

    • The Old One says:

      1.–yes, and his slogan: Keeping calm and carrying on!

      2. Orgy of 2 works, and if the lights are out, the hair doesn’t matter so much. Maybe we could squirt glitter lube all over that shaved dome and rub it for good luck.

  6. Michelle says:

    Still in mourning. WHY hasn’t it grown back at least a LITTLE yet?!?!?! Is he shaving it daily?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY oh why.

    PS – I think Rob was a total freaking man-whore before getting locked up w/ the Stew. Come on, he did Nikki…right?

    • Looks like it’s even less hair, so yes he may be shaving it daily. I’ll sign up for that job!!

    • Michelle says:

      So…I just forced myself to stare at the top picture and NOT pay attention to the hat/bald situation. If you JUUUUUUST concentrate on the stare…um…nom nom nom nom nom.

      How can he be dressed like a bald hobo and still turn me on?

      #mysteriesoftherob

  7. Kelli says:

    1) I don’t think the shaved head is for a role, I just think it wasn’t growing back properly and he had to try again.
    2) absolutely would I have an orgy with Rob…let me know when!
    3) I don’t think there are any other girls besides Kristen. I have never heard of anyone…don’t you think something would come out by now if he ever got freaky with a twi-groupie…he seems to be loyal to a fault. But it truly is so endearing to me.
    I really love him no matter what he looks like…….it’s really about the man, not his hair.

  8. stupidshiny says:

    ‘Man-whore’ YES!!! He had a whole routine, get drunk, act shy and innocent yet charming while secretly planning when, where and how then afterwards (he was always thorough!) totally sneak away in the night never to be seen again…

  9. JustthetipEH? says:

    IM IN! you know where to find me!

  10. lady says:

    Bring back the pullable hair, Rob.

    Meanwhile, it looks like Rob is auditioning for the lead in a movie on the life of Eminem.

  11. MeggiJ says:

    Honestly, lets be a little nice to Rob. I mean…it probably wasn’t even his fault he shaved his head! I think he had so many one night stands that they all ripped out his hair! And by that time, his hair was so uneven like a 2 year old testing out clippers for the first time, had to shave it! He probably told Kristen he shaved it because he lost a bet, when in reality, we all know he was having hot and dirty fake vampire sex with a bunch of dirty little whores only wanting to detroy his relationship with Kristen so they maybe THEY could be the next Sheila….only with a dirty (litterally) vampire instead of a greasy monkey. Either that or the dirt and grease was literally blocking brain waives making him a little bit mentally challenged. I think we can all expect a new and improved Rob. Maybe there is a cure for the mentally handicaped!

  12. allryans says:

    You guys are sick. Rob has cancer.

    /not intended to be a factual statement

  13. Cazza says:

    I bet that head tickles, when it brushes up against…………

    yer face.

    x

  14. Maggie says:

    Call me with the date, time and place. I can be there on a moment’s notice…….

  15. The Old One says:

    I think it must be for the Russian thug role: We KNOW that the minute he’s off the clock, he stops shaving. He hates shaving! So why would he suddenly get into shaving his head, if not for a part? He should have a full-on Grizzly Adams by now, but he doesn’t. Even his eyebrows look manscaped! I say that’s proof he’s got a super-secret project he’s working on.

  16. Elle says:

    As much as I would like to think Rob has an occasional romp with a Twihard; it’s just not realistic on so many levels. First, this man cannot barely get 100 feet on a red carpet (roped with security guards) without being torn to pieces. He would be beyond recognition.. almost like that ugly ass hair buzz. Second, he’s too awkward; he can’t even button his shirts in a straight line now, can you imagine him literally getting his pants caught around his ankles? Don’t get me wrong, I would love Rob to have his pants around his ankles all day long if I were in a ComiCon bathroom and he just happened to get ninja blocked by the baby changing station while *cough* someone matrix launched to the deadbolt on the bathroom door locking him in, slamming myself into his body and knocking a stall door clean off the hinges (Not that I’ve given in much thought) but it’s sooo not in his overall makeup. He’s like respectful or faithful to his girl, or something fucked up like that.

    Now the hair… pffft. Whatever Rob, I seriously wouldn’t even take a picture with you in some bowling alley (or wherever that is) with your “get off my dick” shirt and flannel jacket with that “get this fucking over with half ass smile” you have. See, the hair isn’t even an issue here, all of the other stuff is. Know what I mean? I would rather you send me a text message that says “wanna hit it in the bowling room bathroom”?

    The orgy part is obviously a no brainer, unless Kstew was there. I would absolutely have to pass. Yeah, I’m a hater, just keepin it real.

  17. Anabel says:

    He shaved his hair to play Lex Luthor in the upcoming remake of Superman so to take out Henry Cavill – the one Stephenie wanted for Edward (how dared she?)

  18. Anabel says:

    He shaved his hair to play Lex Luthor in the upcoming remake of Superman so to take out Henry Cavill – the one Stephenie wanted for Edward (how dared she?)

    OT, WordPress is giving me a hardtime to post my comment

  19. Ali says:

    With or without hair he looks great!! I hope he has groupie sex with fans, it gives me hope that maybe one day I can wake up next to him with hot pocket cheese and Heineken all over me….

    As for the Potter boy I think he’s making it up, I just can’t imagine him being a “bad” boy, actually I still can’t see him like a normal man, I still have his image of that adorable boy from the first movie lol

  20. LadyN says:

    THE CHECKERED JACKET!!! He found it in the pile of dirty laundry! YAY! :-D I’m all types of giddy again.

    that is all.

  21. Jellybeanrainbow says:

    There was hair on his head when the photo was taken, but the girl was jealous it was so much better than hers, so she photoshopped it off

  22. roslynselene says:

    An orgy with Rob and his/Twilight fans sounds genuinely scary.
    #1) Rob looks like an alien
    #2)If he’s freaky enough to have orgies with strangers, god knows what else he’s freaky about.
    #3) Twilight fans are already mentally effed up so that just adds more to the crazy.
    So all of this = The craziest, most psychologically scarring night of my life. I’d probably wake up with glitter, crow feathers, and candle wax all over me. o.o

  23. Katie says:

    Is it dumb to ask who Tomstu is? And what about a baby?

    • It is never dumb to ask a question, Katie! We here at LTR love to help people in their Robsession. TomStu is Tom Sturridge, Rob’s best mate. They used to go shopping for underwear (pants in the UK) a lot. But sadly, Tom is spending a lot of his time with his Baby Momma, Sienna Miller. Yes, they are expecting a baby!!

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