A letter to Rob Pattinson: A 2 parter
Sigh… one of these days I’ll be writing you not because you did something ridiculous to your head. This is not one of those days.
What did you do to your head?
Moon & I are
praying so freakin’ unbelievably hard convinced that this has something to do with a role, right?
Moon thought maybe your next role is as a super villain in avengers. I thought maybe there was gonna be a sequel to 50/50. Or maybe you are the voice of “Mr. Potato Head” in a new animated movie and you misunderstood the note you read where the animators would take YOUR looks and adopt them to Mr. Potato Head’s animated face & thought you had to arrive to read your lines looking like Mr. Potato Head himself (good job.)
Then we thought outside of the new role idea since we haven’t heard any gossip around town (that would be Moon, in LA. No one is gossiping about movies in Philly unless you’re thinking about that one time last week when I complained that I didn’t see “Young Adult” before it left the theaters)
We thought maybe your hats were starting to smell, and instead of washing your hair or getting new hats, you shaved his head. Or maybe you caught lice from Kristen. Or TomStu. Or both. Maybe to celebrate TomStu becoming a dad, and possibly to subconsciously share your worries the the baby will take your place, you shaved your head as “soft as a babies bum” so that Tom won’t forget you.
Or maybe you lost a bet. You & Kristen bet on who would knock up a girl first- Kellan or Jackson. (Read LTT today, ps) and you lost. Don’t worry- that was a toughie. Although my money would have been on Jackson since we’re still not convinced Kellan is straight.
Or have you become a Yogi? You’re on the path to enlightenment and your hair was weighting you down?
Whatever the reason…. I’m sure it was a good one. Wait. No I don’t. I’m actually completely POSITIVE it was a horrible reason. And it probably had something to do with you wanting to not be recognized.
How’d that work out? Pretty well, right?
Oh yessss there’s a part 2 in my thoughts to you today, Rob! Mostly because today I saw this headline and immediately thought of you:
Daniel Radcliffe Reveals He’s Had One-Night Stands with ‘Harry Potter’ Groupies!
Will this ever be you, Rob? When Twilight is over & you’re no longer under contract with Summit, will you come out & admit you got a handy in a closet at a Twicon in 2008? Will you admit, as Harry Potter himself does, that after a drunken evening or two, maybe after you devoured an IN-N-Out burger, you got freaky with a fan in a “I drive like Edward Cullen” Volvo?
I have to confess when I first read this headline about poor little innocent Daniel Radcliff, attacked by tons of girls called Mrtyle asking him to make them “moan,” I read that Daniel was getting it on with GROUPS of Harry Potter fans. Which gave me so much joy- did each member of the group have a wand (a literal wand.. not the manly kind)? Did they wear hats? Did anyone bring a broom? Did Ron ever join them? How about Neville? The hot version of Neville, not the odd-looking version?
But sadly, I realized I read the headline wrong. But not before I imagined what YOU getting it on with a GROUP of Twilight fans would look like:
There’d be plastic fangs, of course- the girls would think it’s funny- Heineken to loosen everyone up, Muse would be the soundtrack, everyone would be in “Team Taylor” underwear (another thing they’d think is funny (it is)) and of course all Biel’s You Tube videos would be playing on the TV In the background. Then of course afterwards everyone would snack on hot pockets & dino-shaped chicken nuggets.
Sounds good to me, how about you? Moon & I are available the following weekends, and we’ll round up a few other girls once we nail down a date:
Weekends we’re available: all of them
What do you think of Rob’s head? Why did he do it? Would you join an orgy with Rob? Dumb question: Do you think Rob has ever had a one-night stand with a fan?
You can still help my sister!
My sister is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. And for another week or so there is a GREAT online store called Fresh Words Market with really cool products & prints giving 50% of each sale directly to Abriendo Mentes. Need a Valentine’s Day gift? Get one here! Seriously. Their stuff is great!