We’re back and we break down the (hairless) elephant in the room

Dear Rob,

We’ve finally come to terms with what you did and we’re ready to deal with it. Of course we’re referring to the fact you adopted a dog instead of a cat…………… Kidding we’re talking about your hair. DUH. I love dogs.

Let’s break it down!

Avert your eyes

The one about HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Moon: here’s the thing either somehow he got cursed in the last month or some of his dude friends cut it for him when they were drunk cause buzzed hair rob in dec 2009 (sad i know the date) was NOT BAD!! like it was cute! but this… oh this… it just looks WEIRD like how do you make him look bad? by doing THAT
Moon: its like when sam was buzzing it he decided to invent a new hairline too
UC: I have to admit i saw one picture.. Wait back up I heard about it cuz it was revealed where.. Golden Globes? i saw the tweets I heard the screams… etc. etc.
Moon: people’s choice awards
UC: and i was like “What is the big deal.. it’s hair.. i bet it’s fine…”  and so I didn’t look
Moon: i mean some people like it… i also dont think theyre telling the truth but ya know
UC: and then…. I looked AND IT WAS HORRIBLE I mean… HORRIBLE

See!!! The shaved head CAN look good

UC: you’re right. Buzz cut of 2009 (i remember the day I saw that- is that sad? Don’t answer that) was fine. drastic different sure we DID just have the greasy but sometimes delightful sex hair but it was fine THIS however is atrocious I don’t even care what anyone says
Moon: something is just wrong i cant put my finger on it. nor do i want to
UC: Like… it’s a military buzz cut right? one of our hot tub delivery guys just got one. he looks pretty smokin’
UC: Chattum tanning can give ME a military buzz cut he looks so dayum fine… but ROB? ROB looks ….

Why'd I do this to myself!? I don't know... wanna do it?

The one where I come up with the test
Moon: ok here’s the test
Moon: you’re at a bar. you’ve had ONE drink… ron comes up to chat with you (cause that happens) buys you ONE MORE drink… then wants to knock the boots. REMINDER he has that hair… Would you still DO HIM???
Moon: HONESTLY
UC: wait… it’s ROB?
UC: like ROB pattinson just with horrible hair? or does he just look like Rob (used to look) with bad hair is he wearing a hat? with a beanie? maybe even a dr. suess hat? I might do it if he had a dr. seuss hat
Moon: NO! rob with this hair. its ron night of peaples coice awards hair, same outfit. nothing can change.
UC: ew
UC: omg
UC: ummm
Moon: THIS GUY
Hey you, me… wanna go?
UC: how drunk am I?
Moon: two drinks. only one on ron’s tab
UC that’s not very drunk- i have a high tolerance so far in 2012
Moon: exactly
UC: omg… i mean.. he does not look good but it’s Rob ya know?
Moon: no he doesn’t. but the memories remain???
UC: i think…
UC: like he has elf ears
Moon: his ears make him look like one of those scotch fold cats
UC: I think…. as long as his breath doesn’t smell like stale beer, I’d probably be all in. I mean… he’d STILL have a british accent
Moon: true, he does.

It's sooo haaard to say goodbyeee to yesterdaaaay

Moon: and he’d still be rob from gq days
UC: and a small 93 beat-up BMW to whisk me away in… right.. i bet under the cover he IS that guy (actually i don’t bet that at all…. i’ve written about it many a time)
Moon: oh THAT TOO! how could i forget
Moon: if you suggested i bet he’s even spring for in n out on the way home
UC: i could make my animal style joke I’ve been saving for him…. (‘can we do it animal style”)
Moon: HA *rim shot*
UC: thank you…. i’ll be here all week
Moon: SEE even looking like that we would still do it. THIS IS WHY HE DOES THIS STUFF!!! he can get away with it he can get it in and look like a vagrant
Moon: so youre down with having sex with a scotch fold earred ron…
. 

See even this isn't that bad!

The one where we find out how easy I am
UC: what about YOU?
Moon: oh, i was in from drink one
UC: hahhaa
Moon: i mean at this point… come on!
UC: so you’re saying if he showed up to one of your NEW hot events you’re throwing at your NEW hot job….you’d be lik e”he- nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets get it on. just let me say bye to my boss?”
Moon: EXACTLY what id say
Moon: peace out suckers or even hey here’s an empty table we can do it under we dont even need to leave the event KLASSY. hahahahah
UC: employee of the year
Moon: yup
Moon: sparkling water still counts as water right?
UC: haha

Hey guys, anyone have a hot pocket?

Moon: this is what rob looks like now
Moon: the ears
UC: hahahahahahahahhaa
UC: Id DEF do Rob if he looked like that
UC: anddddd i just admitted to wanting to do a cat
UC: great
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH you’re into bestiality.
Moon: and scene

Ok Rob, so that’s how we feel about it… weeks later. But I’m sure you knew what we’d say. Since it has been a few weeks hopefully I’ll casually bump into you in the produce section of Von’s and your hairs will have grown out to a respectable length and we can them thump melons together. In bed. IfyouknowwhatImsayin. You do.

YAY! ROB! We’re back!
Themoonisdown

PS Now I MUST INSIST you make it over to LTT today because you will DIE. Simply die it’s that good.

Yes, the hair. What say you? I mean do you HONESTLY like it??

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

44 Commented

It’s been 3 years of Letters to Rob. Hip Hip Hooray.

Dear Rob,

To celebrate our THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY yesterday, Moon & I did what we do best: Broke down YOU and the past 3 years, Vanity Fair Style:

To Rob’s Ex Girlfriend: Beat ya

Moon: so we’ve been in a relationship with Rob longer than anyone…sorry kstew! better luck next time…3 whole years.

UC: SERIOUSLY… i love that. I think we even beat that girl from this letter: To Rob’s Ex-girlfriend: I hate you a lot but also want to be your friend! Oh man.. that’s still one of my favs. So is the one where I told Clare Pattinson, who I would see 2 years later, eating an egg roll at a movie premiere after-party, “I want to bang your son”
Moon:OMG can you imagune saying some of that stuff to them?!

Big surprise- my FAVORITE pic of Rob!

UC: “Hey Dick! (Oh, by the way, can I call you, Dick?) Hey Clare! Having fun at the party? These Egg Rolls are delicious, right? Hey- can I bang your son? See you on the dance floor, Dick!”
Moon: It’s been 3 yrs of his weird hair cuts and even weirder outfits and even weirder behavior
UC: Amen. SO weird at times! And so has OUR behavior!

The Perfect Rob

Moon: Ok so if you could have a PERFECT Rob what would it consist of:
UC: Okay…. Him in tight fitted clothing – a la GQ business Suit Rob. He doesn’t always have to be business time, but I like that better than hobo-Rob
UC: Or maybe Rob doing that mumbling music thing
Moon: My perfect Rob is: air guitar Rob, brit pack Rob with all his friends, musician Rob singing “never think” and “let me sign”
UC: Man.. do I sense a theme? IS Moon into musicians?
Moon: IMAGINE THAT ME INTO MUSICIANS!!! SHOCK! Plus… all of Rob’s sunglasses

UC: YES… he does have the best.
Moon: Rob who loves his parents A LOT… every time he’s mentioned them on a late night chat show
UC: Yes! Rob feeling comfortable enough to be being dorky but FUNNY. Not the Rob on stage with Reese making horrible jokes!
Moon: I like that he’s not afraid to be himself (aka weird & odd) and telling super awkward weird stories in public
UC: Yes.. back before he had to worry about everything he said
Moon: yea the Twilight and even New Moon press tour is like a treasure trove of Rob-oddities.

Real or not Real?

Rob Pattinson: Keepin' it real since '08

Moon: I feel like Rob would just slip right into my group of friends- I think thats why I like Rob the most. he seems REAL. And THATS why i get why people like him.. not just the looks
UC: Yes….. He IS real. Even more than.. Ryan Gosling… who just seems too perfect to be true… I’m not saying I’m choosing Rob over Ryan. no no no… don’t quote me on that.. I’m just saying.. Rob is different
Moon: yea Ryan seems way too good to be true. Rob seems like the cute guy in class who you might actually talk to if you got paired up on an assignment. Ryan is like the hot english teacher where its NEVER a possibility
UC: but you will think about it EVERY NIGHT while you drift off to sleep (i never do that)
Moon: HAHAHA Ryan or Rob? Or BOTH?? As a hot english teacher?
UC: both duh! (but i mean Ryan)
Moon: HAHA! Isn’t it funny we blog about Rob but we don’t even think about him like that a lot??? Maybe he became TOO real to us
UC: Yeah… that’s interesting. I haven’t thought about that in awhile or ever
Moon: OMG Rob BECAME OUR JACOB!!!
UC: OMG
Moon: the end
UC: Don’t tell Clare!

Did you, Rob? Become OUR Jacob? After 3 years of blogging almost daily (well we did for 2 years!), seeing you multiple times, fawning over, dreaming of, giggling over, laughing at & with, getting frustrated over, feeling confused by, missing you, wanting you, wanting you to shave, wanting more, and then less…. have you really just become that guy who is a GREAT package and most would KILL to have around… but… is just the FRIEND? Have we lost the magicness? The pull? The romance? Is there any fantasy left?

I don’t know. And, frankly, I don’t care. LTR was never really about you. I mean, it WAS of course. It started all about you- about your good looks, awkward ways & all around awesomeness. Whatever that THING was that attracted us & so many others on a level than WAS different than the ones who came before. Most everyone we know who has ended up at LTR has obsessed in a way they never had before- devouring interviews, saving images (some needed second & third harddrives), learning your quotes & your lyrics and following your every move. So many of us were doing it that at the same time that it HAD to be normal, right? RIGHT? (Don’t answer that) But eventually the obsession morphed into something more- something… beyond you. And here we are, 3 years (and 1 day) later, celebrating that LTR has become a community- a community first bonded by a mutual acute fondness of YOU, but turned into something much more meaningful & important.

So thank you Rob. Thanks for being so freakin’ hot. Thanks for being so adorkable. Thanks for being different than any guy we’ve obsessed over before (like JT for Moon and JTT for me) so that we felt the need to start LTR and meet everyone who has made such a difference in our lives.

Love more than Kstew, the ex girlfriend, Dick, Clare, The Britpack and Bear combined,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

Three years! We can’t believe it. Thanks to @Brookelockart for organizing our amazing anniversary letter yesterday and for all the friends who participated & commented!  We’ll never be able to express how much you all mean to us! Please be sure to see what @JodieO and the girls of the Forum did for us, too! Happy Anniversary LTT. And Moon, well, you know everything already… but thank you. For it all xoxoxoxo

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

13 Commented

Rob Pattinson: Platinum selling artist or critic’s punching bag?

This means it's basically a done deal!

Dear Rob,

When Moon & I read the headlines about your rumored “album” yesterday, we decided we MUST Break this rumor down:

The one where we break it down in a serious(ish) way

UC: Can we please role play a Rob Pattinson album. since that’s the rumor. Even Rolling STONE Posted about it, so it MUST be legit (4 out of 10 on the “Truth Scale” from Rob-Cop, I mean, Gossip-Cop)

Moon: an impeccable Pattinson insider tells Gossip Cop, “He is not.” Well thank you, impeccable Pattinson insider! How do I get to be one of THOSE? And from the comments”If he wanted to work on music, he would be there, not in LA. Wouldn’t he want to record at Abbey Road or the studio Marcus Foster, Johnny Flynn and Mumford and Sons use?” because they only have ONE studio in london and it is abbey road
UC: hahahahahhaha people are SO dumb

Reminds me of a Sad Keanu

Moon: can you imagine though? i mean really…. an album?
UC: NO!! [LTT-friend] Marah & I were discussing it & I think he wouldn’t do it
Moon: yea hasn’t he said in the past he wouldn’t?
UC: I forget. Wish I had the phone # of the impeccable Pattinson Insider. But, I mean… he HAS to know no one legit in the music world would take it seriously. I don’t think they would… at all I would LOVE to read that pitchfork review!!!
Moon: oh god! here’s the thing… he’s pretty decent. i mean as far as all these people who think they are musicians, he’s not terrible and it’s not gross pop-rock crap- like it’s thoughtful enough, but actors who want to be musicians hardly EVER work out like 99.99999% of the time they FAIL. Hard
UC: HARD
Moon: i mean Keanu reeves, russell crow, Lieutenant Dan and the Lieutenant Dan band, Puck from Glee, Minnie Driver, Jenn love Hewitt,
UC: Puck from Glee!!!! Do you keep a running list?
Moon: i mean the free bins at amoeba are lined with cds from actors
UC: You forgot Sandy cohen!
Moon: if you START as a musician your odds are way better of becoming an actor… which leads to a lot of questions about acting but ya know

Better, Good, WORST

The one where we pick on Sam

UC: Marah made a good point… she doesn’t think he’s any better than most of the Brit pack…she thinks maybe a few of them are even better (definitely more refined as in– you can understand them) and while they have some success it’s not like…. really successful- i mean.. ask anyone outside of twilight and the public radio station in Philly that LOVES bobby long, no one knows of them
Moon: totally. i think Marcus is the best of them all
UC: yes- i agree. Bobby is 2nd.
Moon: pRobably followed by bobby and Rob and then sam in dead last
UC: Poor Sam. but it’s true!!!
Moon: And I’m sure tom is better than him
UC: I’d say that it’s Marcus, Bobby, Rob, Tom (who we don’t even know if he can carry a tune) Sam
Moon: exactly tom could just show up somewhere with a guitar and pRobably be better- now if Rob wanted to WRITE some songs like he’s done in the past- I’m ALL for it… and theres more money in that anyway. And he NEEDS money
UC: but WAIT didn’t he co-write all those songs before???
Moon: he did
UC: That’s what Marah & I were saying… so… we don’t know how much was actually his doing. Maybe it was more marcus/bobby/sam……doing the writing? (wait, not Sam!!!)
Moon: i think he should continue in that direction if he needs a musical outlet
UC: yes… co writing…..
UC: SIDENOTE: Do you think it’s weird that Rob has never mentioned Marcus Mumford? I mean.. they are london musician/celebrities…. there are like 4 of them…. I’m pretty sure they must hate each other. There’s NO other explanation. Maybe once they fought over Cho Chan

The one with UC’s “private time”

Moon: I mean don’t get me wrong I’d LOVE LOVE to hear what album Rob would come out with. but i don’t want any one else, read: critics to hear it
UC: ME NEITHER. I’d just like it for my private time. I MEAN my alone time… no wait.. alone with my THOUGHTS.. or maybe my bath time soaks
Moon: with a copy of tiger beat
UC: Okay i can’t get out of this one.. it all sounds like I’d be touching myself to him.. and for once that’s not what I mean!
Moon: don’t try to front!!! anyway my point being is that i think he’s talented and what not and i’d love to hear it but critics would be merciless and NONE of us need that
UC: NONE. It just make us feel worse about being a Rob Fan

The one with songs about Rob’s fur-children

UC: okay so let’s say we figure out a way for all the critics to disappear & he releases an album… WHAT would it have on it? what types of songs? will they all make us cry? will we even be able to understand them???
Cuz even if we can’t (which is most likely the case) I bet there will be Videos of fans CRYING over the lyrics
“that’s.. justt soooo sooo *snifff* BEAUTIFUL” Sane person: “what did he say” Crazy Fan “I don’t know… but I KNOW it’s deep”
Moon: its about Robsten! duh!! since EVERYTHING is about Robsten
UC: and Bear? Will he write a love song to Bear? their love-dog?
Moon: It’s kinda like marcus’s song ‘i was broken’ is about Robsten. even though i’m sure it was written BEFORE all this mess. it’s like he’s a prophet!!
Moon: Yes. All the songs would be about Bear & Jella. Their fur-children. VOMIT
UC: hahahah
Moon: he will want it to be a rap album since he’s secret gangsta, but it will be sad bastard, british, neo americana sound

The one where Rob is REALLY literal

UC: i think Rob has a lot of material, so maybe he’s been writing lots of songs like “the loneliness of Fame”
“I hate the paparazzi” “I’m getting tired of Vampires”
Moon: Or “my hair looks stupid like this” He’s VERY Literal
UC: “I forget where i put my soap”
Moon: “plaid is the color of my feelings”
UC: “sometimes I wish I could sleep alone” That’s a B-side- unreleased. And we don’t know- is he talking about his furry friends? [and by that I mean the animals…not Kristen after not shaving for a few weeks]
Moon: “krisbians scare me”
UC: “Robsessed girls scare me”

"I'm sad that they made me into PaperDolls"

Moon: “everyone scares me”
UC: “My dad Dick” after a nice phone call home & he’s missing the rents. “Do they really like my mole?”
after he reads that one post on Robsessed & reconsiders his trip to the dermatologist to have it removed
He just says it how it is. No beating around the bush: “Taylor scares me” written when Taylor was eating a LOT of those meat patties
Moon: “I live in Airports”
UC: “I wish I could be like him” written after admiring Kellan’s confidence with fame
Moon: “Man love isn’t wrong” dedicated to his man pals
UC: “Bt Sometimes it even creeps me out” inspired by TomStu, always creeping behind him
“Why do I jump like that” written after his half=-naked self became a meme

Oh Rob.. while we’d love an album from you in some ways, hate it (and the critics) in others, I think keeping a little bit more of yourself locked away & hidden from all of us “Impeccable Pattinson Insiders” is probably a good idea! If you bare your soul in lyrical form, what would we have to write & speculate about on LTR!?

Love,
UC

Okay what are your thoughts? Yay or neigh on the Rob-album idea? Defend your position! Stand your ground! Laugh when you remember how I made jumping-Rob Paperdolls!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

75 Commented

RobPorn Videos PLUS Sugarlumps

cue porn-seekers coming across LTR because of that title

Zeph leads us in admiration today:

Dear Rob,

It’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me. I haven’t forgotten about you, it’s just that RL has been taking away all my time. Well that and the fact that you really haven’t been giving us too much lately. No photo shoots. No adorakable interviews. No crazy US Magazine rumors. No 3am beer runs or In and Out drive thrus . No buddy road trips. Just a few fan shots on the Cosmopolis set. It’s just not enough to pull me in for hours at a time. Tonight though I revisited one of my favorite past times.

Yes, I went RobPorn hunting.

Took me a bit but I navigated my way through the bajillion RobPorn videos on youtube and with the help of PinkPixieChick I found all my old favorites:

Why? Why did I ever take a break from this? At least I know you’re always there when I come to my senses.

Taking my breath away once again,

Zephyersky

After the jump, Moon & I get Roblosophical about something that isn’t Roblosophical at all: Continue…

37 Commented

Debbert- A story of True Love

Dear Rob,

Today’s LTR is going to be a bit different. You see last week I was forwarded a Rob Pattinson fan fiction. You heard that right. Rob Pattinson. It was written by Debbie- a story about the love between her and Rob. Moon & I discussed how we needed to present this. Should we do a dramatic reading? What if we wrote a screenplay & made a film? But then we were sent a break-down that our friends Amber & LiLI (from Shack of Soul) did one day instead of working. And after we stopped working to read, and cried and laughed and cried some more, we decided we couldn’t keep this to ourselves. This is long. There are no pictures. This is very unedited and there are timestamps. But This is WORTH EVERY MINUTE you will spend reading it.

Sadly, the fic has now disappeared or been locked up (It was originally found here) but it started out with pictures (pictures of what seem to be the actual people the fic characters are based on) of Debbie, her bff & family, her mom & step dad, Ken, her priest (I think) The Band Strypr. It makes sense when you read the break down. Sorta. And the first time Debbie & Rob get errr sexual she describes wearing a “beige bra.” So if you ever hear us tweeting/making reference to a beige bra (or if I text you a picture of my own) that’s where the joke comes from.

In case you don’t have time read it all (but seriously- YOU NEED TO) here are the “chapters” of the break-down you can scroll through to get a taste. You won’t be sorry. Well, unless this is really you, Rob, reading this. Then you’ll probably be sorry.

But since you’re going to listen to me and read the entire thing, you can do that after the jump! Continue…

109 Commented