First off, I must apologize to you. I watched the paparazzi video of you in Malibu, but in my own defense, I was researching an article about you having a car accident and I only watched the video out of concern for you. It made me sick. But then I got to wondering why I felt so nauseous, and I came up with a few reasons for my reaction and I would like to share those with you:
A. The video was so abusive to you by the paparazzi that I was appalled.
B. You actually went to the cinema with an older woman that was wearing jorts.
C. Kristen isn’t paying enough attention to you since she’s off filming her new movie, and you knew of course how she hates the pap’s, so you planned an altercation so that you could get some Kristen sympathy.
D. Your agent is trying to create press for your new movies. OR
E. You just wanted some cougar touch.
Which lead me to these conclusions:
A. The pap’s are sleazy a-holes and should be horsewhipped. That’s how we handle sleazy a-holes in Texas. You should come hangout here with me. We could have an interesting time whipping Paps. We could start a P&M club. I’ve even got the whip…and the handcuffs, and the slutty black dominatrix outfit, the thigh high black patent leather boots….Oh sorry I got sidtracked for a minute.
B. You just wanted some touch from an older lady. Which I can totally understand. Everybody knows that older women are better lovers. (Refer to exibit A of this section for proof)
But….if the cougar is wearing jorts, no makeup and is not doing anything with her hair, then she isn’t into you. Sorry. If you’re yearning for some hot cougar stuff, contact UC & Moon- they have my info. Seriously. Everyone, even strangers, tells me I look like Liz Taylor in that movie Cougar On A Hot Tin Roof…no sorry that was Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Imagine Liz in all the stuff I mentioned in section A…………..Again, Moon & UC have my contact info.
C. Kristen, please call Rob. He’s reaching out in the most pathetic way.
D. Surely you would have already fired an agent that is that stupid.
E. I refer you back to B of the reaction section. Again, Moon & UC have my contact info.
After sorting all of this out in my mind, I decided that the Paps really were being mean to you. I can’t tell you how impressed I am that you took a stand. (We’re all about taking stands in Texas, you know with the Alamo and all.) You kept your composure and behaved like a gentleman, (by the way Thanks Mom Pattinson for rearing such a fine young man.) Even when that lame woman leaned in your car window and offered you no help whatsoever, you were still nice to her. Even when the cops didn’t do anything to help you, you were still nice.
Here’s what I think, from now on before you go out again, call your sisters and ask them if you can borrow some of those clothes that they used to dress you up as a girl. Borrow that Bella wig from Kristen and carry the Dadcase, no scratch the Dadcase, too obvious- get yourself a 1988 Ford LTD to drive around town, and don’t forget to borrow that bra from the set of Remember Me that didn’t work as a vanity patch. You’re gonna need to stuff it and make you some boobs. That way no one will recognize you except for me, and I love my man in drag. Of course it may be a little bit embarrassing arriving to a party dressed that way, but I think after the last Paparazzi invasion, people will understand.
LOL and YeeHaw!
Your lonely sex kitten…..no.
Your everlasting older woman lover….no
Debbie does Dallas….closer
Let’s just go with P&M Mamma
Check out the picture of Stephanie & Robt from RPLife which has one of those hard-coded titles from the company that owns the rights- and it is titled “Rob Pattinson & his Mom” Poor Stephanie!!
After the jump, a Saturday Delight! Continue…
Tags: , Fan letter, Jorts, Open Weekend Post, paparazzi, Papparazzi, Rob, Rob Pattinson, Rob's mom, robert pattinson, Stephanie Ritz