Mini Break down of the most recent Rob Pattinson WTF photoshoot

Dear Rob,

We didn’t plan it (and we hope you didn’t plan the photoshoot either) but once we saw the latest photos of you online, we just had to break them down vanity fair MINI style:

UC: So….. you know how the saying goes “put a vagina on Rob Pattinson’s stomach & it will look beautiful?”
Moon: Yeah I’ve heard that one a couple times
UC: yeah well they were wrong”
Moon: well looks like rob’s stomach vagina got a groupon for laser hair removal
UC: lucky. I’ve been waiting for a good deal

UC: Oh and just when you thought there was no reason to hang on to that pack of maxi pads your mom bought you the first time you got your period… turns out there is… How many “pads on heads” look alikes will we see at Rob’s next movie premiere you think?”
Moon: wtf is that third eye doing on that pad?
UC: That’s all You find strange about that picture?
Moon: This doesn’t help clarify what Cosmopolis is about for me….

Robby you already wore that shirt in France...

Moon: DUDE. that is HIS shirt. I mean we know all those clothes are borrowed, but they dry clean stuff… it can touch your skin rob, it’s OK. no cooties

Moon: OMG— is this woman pregnant? are the Robsteners ok?? Has a hit been put out on this woman yet?

UC: Yes I think I saw few hits tweeted. Kristen’s security has been notified about this slut. Probably also a fan of Jackson Rathbone’s.

Moon: how rob really is. every day:

Moon: how we all imagine rob:

UC: seriously that first picture IS Rob. In his actual motel room… he stays at the motel 6 for fun. even though he has a big house in LA.. he just rent out the motel 6 b/c he feels more comfortable
Moon: the bed bugs make him feel “normal” like one of the little people again. ps why are they watching VHS? this really is his rent-by-the-hour love shack
UC: that’s an extra charge at the motel 6. Makes him feel high-class
Moon: when he gets bored of kristen he meets this girl there. They do have a really great program though, you bring in your own vhs’s and trade for other travelers vhs’s.
UC: so unique!
Moon:so far he’s gotten to watch an original copy of The Land Before Time and Sex Lies and Video Tape (ON video tape)

"We'll leave the light on for Rob"

UC: he’s thinking of turning that into an online business
Moon: VHS-ster
UC: yep. VHS-flix. still working on the name
Moon: you know for when the whole acting thing is over- slash- his summer job… for extra spending money

Moon: LOOK AT US! Mini break down
UC: SO EASY!!! picked it up like we were doing this for years!

Love,
UC & Moon

What do you think of Rob’s Vagina-maxi-pad photoshoot? Would you like to have a threesome with 2 Robs? Yes that’s a rhetorical question. 

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

30 Commented

Run Away with me

Don’t act so surprised. Yes this is the 2nd post this week! I had a great letter submission to post! XO. Also… there seem to be non-muteable ads playing right now. We’re on it. For now mute your computer. Will be fixed soon xx

Dear Rob,

We’re both grown up. I’ve been a grown up longer than you, but I digress. With that label comes something very familiar – stress.  Now I realize that your stress and my stress is very different. I’m sure you worry about things like a long drive-thru line at In & Out Burger, a certain someone’s love of for black bras under white shirts, and I know you were very worried about women here on LTR . Me? Well, I worry about things like how many calories I just ate in a whole bag of Terra Vegetable Chips, what the ‘check engine’ light means, how much wine I have at home and who’s going to be the new Bachelor next season.

That’s why I run. Stress relief. I’ve run 3 marathons and I’m training for my next race. I want you to run with me. Here are the reasons:

1.  I want to see your wonky legs in running shorts. Oh my.  Be warned – I may chase you. A nice sleeveless running shirt, running hat and shades? Yes please.  Proper running attire makes for a faster pace and longer endurance. I beg you – leave the fou-fou white vest and cream linen pants in the forest where it belongs.

Let's put a fineeee pair of short shorts on these crazy legs

2. I live near the most beautiful beach.  We could take an early morning run along the shoreline, then frolic (I’ve always wanted to frolic with you) in the surf. We can indulge in hot dogs and cheese fries from the beach shack restaurant. Since we just finished a run, there’s no guilt. I know sand will stick to our feet, so we’ll have to use the outdoor showers to rinse off. It would be a struggle, but I’d muddle through.

His breathing looks so labored.. Maybe a smoothie instead of fries?

3. I am very aware you smoke. I’ll admit I usually find photos of you and a fag quite  HAWT. (Wife beater? Cigarette? One of my favorite shots EVER.) But in all seriousness, you should stop smoking. Now. It’s really terrible for you but since I’m not your mom and I can’t make you–I’m sure Clare has tried to get you to stop at no avail–the least I can do is get the blood flowing though those lungs. Now I know there’s lots of very interesting ways this could be done, but a good 5-mile run is always a perfect way to start the endorphins. Who knows what would happen the rest of the day.  Breathe in…breathe out.

I've smoked in the freezing cold in Vancouver... you think I won't smoke during a marathon?

4. Dean looks like a great guy, but don’t you ever want to lose him for just a little while?  He doesn’t strike me as a runner.  You don’t need him on a run – *I* would hand you your water bottle. I bet I could do just as good of job as Dean.  He can stay home and whip us up some delicious recovery smoothies.

By "smoothies" she means grilled cheese. I make a mean grilled cheese

5. Bear would LOVE it. He looks like a dog who would love a good run.  He may even find a squirrel. He could scare away the paparazzi. (similar, but not the same as a squirrel).  We’ll teach him to growl and sneer at anyone with a lens cap.  This may be necessary since Dean isn’t with us.

How about I bring ALL these puppies?

Now that our run is done, I want to celebrate. How? I’ve got the perfect conclusion to our run —   I want to see the real Jumping Rob recreated in my pool. Bring on the black boxer briefs!!

Call me. My Asics are waiting, so lace up your shoes and let’s get started! I know you’ll feet better and less stressed. You’ll thank me later.

Love,
Brenn

Love it, Brenn! And this inspires me to inspire YOU all to write us more letters with these theme: Doing a HOBBY with ROBBY. Yep… it’s about time we had a new LTR theme around here. So what do you think? Got a HOBBY for you and ROBBY you can write to us about? Great- send it to letterstotwilight@gmail.com.

And just so you know, when I’m having a bad day or just need a new laugh, I always change my Facebook profile picture to this:

Click me to make me your wallpaper

from one of Moon’s Best LTRs ever!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

11 Commented

1 Picture, 4 Takes of Old School Rob

Dear Rob,

Moon & I were emailing with our good LTR friend JodieO yesterday & she decided to brighten it with a good ol’ picture of you (we can’t remember what it’s from) and a take on an old LTR tradition:

1 picture, 2 4 takes

Seriously. WHY was it a rerun?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

THANKS JODIEO. I LOVE YOU A LOT. AND WAIT.. is that even your LTR name?

Okay do something fun for me pleeeaseeee?

Caption this picture. Cuz it… just needs your LTR funny:

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

21 Commented

Rob Goes surfing. I mean holds a big ass board & a paddle

Hey y’all- Rob wrote us all at LTR a note:

sadly I feel I must preface this with this note that this is NOT actually from Rob Pattinson (it’s from Dick Pattinson)

Dear LTR,

I made it in a few headlines this week (even People.com posted about me! Must be a slow week or something. I’m gonna text Miley/Lohan/Hunger Games Chick and ask her to flash her panties soon. I need my privacy back) It was about me “Surfing.” I need to clear something up. I was not surfing. I’m not sure what I was doing actually. Marcus & Sam were in town- they had a show the night before– we had a few beers Saturday night & the next thing I know Marcus suggested we take an IN-N-Out picnic to the beach. One thing led to another & I ended up carrying this big board with a walking stick. And my clothes were off but I was in gym shorts. I think Sam spiked my Coke Zero with something. But then I figured, what the heck, I better get in the water. It’s been pretty cold in LA & nothing makes me warmer than a belly full of beer/alcoholic coke zero and a dip in the Pacific Ocean.

Here are a few personal photographs from my day out on the beach with a big board & a walking stick with Marcus & Sam. I had them made into postcards in case you want to print them out & send them to your friends.

this is when I found an oyster to suck on. Or maybe that was after I hit my face with the paddle. I have this banging headache & I sorta forget….

This is when I befriended a bird. I named him Patty the bird.

This is when I realized Kristen is right. I really do need to get a pedicure…
It’s also when I realized getting sand up your bum like when you were 5 is no longer a fun feeling.

Here I am hanging four. Or maybe that was when I was hanging five….

Oops. I got water up me nose

Oh this is a good one– this is me thinking “Oh Shiiiittt” when I remembered what day it was… and that I had a photoshoot the next day.. and I promised Nick I’d spend the weekend at the gym. So I started to run. I think I definitely burnt off the IN-N-Out fries I snacked on at 4 am!

And this is when I realized that…. this paddle-board/walking stick thing is really not for me…

Hope this clears up any confusion you had about my weekend!
Love,
Rob Pattinson

And because we don’t see it much…. here is a precious gif I like to call “Rob Runs”

Does anyone else find it odd that NO ONE ELSE was caught in these pictures? Seriously! How does that happen? 

(Oh– I missed you too. I am trying to work less & have fun more. And Moon will be joining me after the 15th XX)

Thanks to Rob Pattinson life for the pics

30 Commented

Dirty Dancing or just Dirty?

We're selling black bean hummus wraps and hemp keychains for gas money

Dear Rob,

Some person at Kristen’s friends Dirty Dancing party took a picture of you guys looking scuzzy and it “magically” made it’s way onto the nets via the super reliable Hollywood Life. First off you both look like the “before” picture of cast members on Celebrity Rehab or maybe those homeless teens on Venice Beach with the mangy dog and the dreads selling hemp necklaces. You know the ones (sad). Either way, it’s not good. It just makes me think the inside of the “palatial pad” in Los Feliz (yes, we all know now) looks like that picture of Whitney Houston’s bathroom or maybe you just have a couple lawn chairs set up in the living room in front of the 90 inch tv that came with the house but you can’t find the remote to.

Quick, someone to the Photoshop machine!

Second, if you’re going to a theme party can we at least pretend you sort of put two seconds of thought into your “costumes?” If you’re going to be Johnny or even just a random greaser may I suggest some tight ass black pants, dance boots, and a pompadour wig? Best lady friend who gets a botched abortion for 200 bucks in an alley named Penny, optional. Kristen is like half way there, though I doubt this was on purpose. All she needs to do to complete the look it pull the bottom of the shirt through the neck hole (we’ve all done it), throw on a curly wig, carry a watermelon and talk about going to Mount Holyoke in the fall… or maybe the peace corps. It’s more wholesome 50s and less hipster dbags. Seriously guys, this is easy.

I brought a spiked watermelon

I expect a little more effort when you come to my Dowton Abbey themed costume birthday party this year. We’re talking Morning jackets, tweed hunting coats, HAIR, dress TomStu up in a Chauffeur costume and have him drive you to the party in the “motor.”  Plant Sam Bradley in someone’s bed as dead Mr. Pamuk. Really, this is the level of commitment for a costume party that me and my friends expect. FYI.

No one puts Rob in a corner… well maybe they do if he looks like that…
Themoonisdown

PS Tell your friend this costume has nothing to do with Dirty Dancing. That is a Hipster denim diaper. Have you people even seen Dirty Dancing?

PPS Remember these AMAZING videos from forever ago?? Suddenly seems perfect…

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

36 Commented