EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT: ROB IS AN ENABLER

Dear Rob,

Our friend Bethany (I hate when blog friends become RL friends because then I forget their blog name. Oh well) sent us a super important piece of journalistic work entitled:

Robert Pattinson Enables Kristen Stewart’s Potato Chip Habit

which claimed that you talked to the SUN newspaper and shared that you bring back the Space Raiders “crisp” for Kristen every time you return to the states from England.

Because there is absolutely nothing on God’s green earth to write about I am, too, a fan of chips, I had a few thoughts:

1. Why are you talking to the Sun. About chips? Did they mess up their “Source” again and actually mean that one deranged, crazed aunt who is no longer to come to family get-togethers? (The same aunt that leaked your baby pictures?)

2. No American girl, with all the delicious, greasy, baked/cooked/fried/whatever you want chips available at her fingertips (or at the local 711) would ever choose British “Crisps” over our fattening favorite. Trust me. I’ve had your “chips.” And they’re not good. Neither are your English Muffins. They don’t taste like the ones Thomas makes. And don’t get me started on the Hob Nobs. I forget who, but some amazing blogging friend sent us some. And they were gross. We may have pretended to like them at the time because it was so thoughtful of our friend, but we were lying. They tasted like elitist cardboard.

3. Have you & Kristen already hit that point in your relationship where you go away for a few weeks and all she can think of for you to bring her home is something you can pick up at Heathrow right before you board the plane?

4. Do these “Crisps” help when the munchies hit? You know the kind…

5. Whenever a tabloid newspaper approaches you or your aunt in the future, instead of providing some ludicrous story about chips, could you instead just pose like this:

The SUN Peeps: “Rob Rob ROB! Before you go, can you just tell us a little tale about what you’ve been up to lately.”

You: “No, but I’ll stand here and look so sexy you’ll drop your crisps all over the street.”

More posing and less talking about chips. Thanks, love

Xo,
UC

HELP A SISTER OUT (Literally)

SPEAKING of Chips, my sweet little sister who ALSO loves chips, but the normal American kind (I have 3 little sisters- this is the 2nd youngest), Rachael, is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. I’m not really sure what she’s doing but I know she goes to the beach daily, catches tarantulas in tupperware containers & occasionally teaches English to kids and then tweets & blogs & runs social media for the organization (I’m so proud!)

For the next week there is a GREAT online store called Fresh Words Market with really cool products & prints giving 50% of each sale directly to Abriendo Mentes. If you need a gift- for you or someone you love or maybe even hate- buy it from this store because #1 they have great stuff and #2 it will help a great cause & #3 my sister will be really happy with me. And I’m kinda afraid she’s gonna send me that tarantula through the mail if I don’t get her some sales.

Shop Fresh Words Market for a Great Cause!

Thanks to Robsessed for that hot as crap pic of Roberto

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

26 Commented

Stuff we STILL don’t know about Rob

Dear Rob,

After doing research last week for our 3 year anniversary letters and Moon’s anniversary present (more on that later), I came across posts & pictures that reminded me that I STILL didn’t know the story or details behind a certain situation. And, well, you’d think after 3 years of following your ever move I’d know a lot more. So, in no particular order, here are some pressing questions I have about your life.

What happened to Patty? Did she die from old age, happy in her dog bed, chewing on the Hot Pocket toy you gave her last time you were home?

Rob gets drunk with a kid too young to be drunk with him

WHO was that ginger kid you got drunk with on New Years Eve 2008 and WHAT were you doing with him? Is he a relative of the Weasley’s?

Why did you REALLY get kicked out of school?

Did you lose your virginity to Cho Chan?

Nikki Reed, really? How high WERE you?

What do you DO when you’re not being photographed? I cannot imagine you stay inside the other 335 days out of the year when the paps don’t catch you. How do you stock the fridge? Do you have a housekeeper & caregiver? How do you get new clothes? Are you an Amazon Prime member?

of COURSE Tom was there!

Whatever happened with you & Nina Schubert, your “great love story for 3 years?” And WHERE is she? Why is she not on TV & shit proclaiming that she knows what you look like down there? Why hasn’t she posed for Playboy yet? “ROB PATTINSON’S GIRLFRIEND KISSES & TELLS, WHILE NAKED”

How did you REALLY meet the Brit Pack? I know you say you were “introduced” but by whom? Your counselors at “reform camp?” Where you got sent after getting kicked out of school for some unknown reason?

What do you DO with all your money? Do you dabble in the stock market? How are your mutual funds looking? Are you aggressively investing? 20% in foreign marketings, 30% in bonds? 50% in tech stocks? When you look at foreign markets, are you looking HERE in the states, or back home in Britain?

Rob just needs to get some Yen

Speaking of that, are you richer HERE in the US than if you were living at home? Since 1 pound is worth more than 1 dollar currently. Does that confuse you? It confuses me. Do you carry pounds in your wallet AND dollars? Do you use that Currency Exchange stand in the international terminal at the airports? Do you collect currency from all the places you visit? I have some old pesos I can send you, if so. I mean the kind used BEFORE the peso the current Mexico uses. They’re probably worth something.

Do your friends call you “Ron” now too after giving up on teaching their iPhones it’s “Rob,” not “Ron?”

What are your parents doing in their retirement?

How grossed out are your sisters by the female obsession over you? Do they buy you things like the Edward Cullen Body Pillow as Christmas presents just to embarrass you? Is “Edward Cullen” like the new “Claudia?” Do you wish they’d just go back to calling you “Claudia” instead? Have they ever tried “Claudia Cullen?” (you’re welcome for the suggestion, Lizzy & Victoria, obvious readers of LTR, because who wouldn’t want to read a blog gushing over your little brother?)

Anyway, Rob, just a few questions I have about your life, even 3 years later.

Get back to me when you can,
UnintendedChoice

What questions do YOU have about Rob’s life?

Run, not walk, to LTT today. JUST DO IT.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

23 Commented

Rob “Britain’s Shame” Pattinson goes out with a non-male friend

Hear ads? Yeah, sorry about that. It happens. Mute them by hitting the volume button. Two in the side. One ALLL the way at the bottom.

Dear Rob,

Click to close & personal with Enthusiastic Guy & Rob & that slut WAY TOO close

Yesterday you were caught with someone who wasn’t a man friend. And we KNOW that’s against the rules. You were called “Britain’s Shame” by Oh No they Didn’t. Are you THAT bored with your one non-man friend out of the country that you’d risk being branded as a cheating man-whore? WHY was there not more than 12” of space between you and that semi-attractive home-wrecker? Isn’t that rule #72? And doesn’t rule #8 stipulate that if you HAVE to go out- and something tells me this enthusiastic guy was the reason you left the house cause who can say no to THAT face- then the girl must NOT be hotter than a 2.5. And she’s DEFINITELY a 6. Possibly a 7.

Have you heard what they are saying about you online? In the comments on Pop Sugar ALONE there were things like this:

Ashaa said:

SHAME PATTINSON, POOR KSTEW

and Oni2 chimed in:

once a cheater always a cheater, and Kris just said she could never be with anyone that cheats on her. This is going to be very bad..

user 1278698 said

false, hypocritical, untalented actor, miserable traitor, disloyal friend, liar, deceiver ………………… disgusting!

and then ashaa chimed in again:

MICHAEL ANGARANO IS MUCH BETTER FOR KRISTEN, THEY SHOULD GO BACK

Are you going to take that? I’ve already set up a username for you User: 1345679 (password: SHAMED) for your rebuttals. And next time you’re approached by an enthusiastic guy, tempting you to join him and, not one but TWO non-male friends, here are some things you can do instead:

• Vacuum the bear-skin rug. I KNOW there are some sort of fast-food crumbs matted into the hair

• Knot all Kristen’s Tshirts so she has one less step to do in the morning

• Compose new love songs to play after your next skype sex session

• Continue teaching Bear to say “I love you”

• Start to teach jella to say Kristen- or to use the toilet. Train her to stay OFF of the Bear-Skin Rug 

• Put together your beer tree

• Finish your unpublished love sonnets for Kristen- call Stephenie Meyer for some advice on getting published.

• Go to the Target Photo center with Bear & Jella to get pictures together as a surprise for Kristen. Bonus- use them as Christmas cards & send them to your parents, TomStu & Nick & Stephanie.

•  Go to all the Twilight fansites and thumbsdown anything that may be even slightly offensive towards KStew (You have that username I set up for you!)

• Put on a play with the dino nuggets for your secret youtube account

• Distress your new $80 plaid shirts so they look like they came from a thrift store

Disclaimer (Do I have to ???): I don’t think Rob is a homewrecker or a shameful person. And I don’t think that girl is a slut or a 6. She’s probably an 8. I DO think that Rob makes his Dino Nuggets talk.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHY WAS ROB WITH ANOTHER GIRL? HOW COULD HE? OH MY GOSH. WHAT REASON WOULD HE EVER HAVE TO BE WITH ANYONE WHILE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY? I MEAN, HE COULDN’T BE WORKING, RIGHT? OR, HE COULDN’T HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN KRISTEN OR THE BRIT PACK, RIGHT? AND HE COULDN’T JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY FROM THE CAT AND THE DOG FOR SOME BREWS, RIGHT?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

79 Commented

The First Time Seeing Rob

I know I know. There are SO many new interviews. SO many new videos SO MUCH NEW CRAP TO TALK ABOUT (Moon saw Rob this weekend, TOO- Go read LTT) But I haven’t had ANY time to read or watch any of it. Isn’t there a place that recaps all that crap for me? Oh right.. that’s what LTR is for. I’m the recapper. Crap. Anyway, here is a story from an LTT/LTR friend in Sweden that reminded me of MY first time seeing Rob, 2 years ago this Fall!

Dear Letters To Rob:

Confession time. This is the True Story of my big night with Ashley and Rob.

Once upon a time there was news on the Internet that Rob and Ashley were coming to Sweden for the first time, on their Breaking Dawn European tour, to participate in a Fan event four weeks from now. Breathless and dazzled I realised that this was my Great Chance of being in the same room (okay, make that sports arena) with Robert Pattinson!

On the appointed day, I got up at 5.30 to be first in line for the queue to the place where they were handing out free tickets in my home town. I knew there wasn’t a chance in hell I would get a VIP ticket, since they were only handed out in Stockholm, and there people had been lining up three days in advance. Unlike some I DO have a full time job, and a family. *huffing*

Clutching the tickets in my sweaty little hands, I danced home, until it struck me a couple of days later “Hey, I actually write for a teenage magazine!” Shouldn’t I be able to get some kind of press credentials for this event?? So after talking to my editor and getting her go ahead, I chased the powers-that-be and on the morning of the event I finally got the go-ahead. Yay! I quickly gave away my tickets to a couple of deserving teenage girls, wrangling a promise that they would let me interview them later, and took off for Stockholm dressed in my cool black leather jacket and boots, on the off chance that Rob and Ashley would notice me in a crowd of 9000. (Hope springs eternal..)

After sitting in on an interview with a group of teenage girls, being conducted by some university researchers who were writing a book about Twilight (yeah, sure, I saw the gleam in her eyes when she gushed about visiting Forks and living in the “real Cullen house” in Portland: university or no university, that researcher is a closet fan too..) I headed over to the arena, and stood around in the cool October wind stomping my feet and watching the girls who had been hanging around since Wednesday with pity, as we waited for the event manager to remember to come and collect the press gang.

FYI: The bad stereotypical Swedish jokes + Rob are the creation of UC and NOT the Swedish writer.

Then we were all ticked off one by one by a guy with a slick-back and a red tie (ewww), given cool press badges and conducted onto the red carpet where we would get the chance to interview all the artists and the Swedish celebrities invited to this event. No, no, Rob and Ashley would do a red carpet entrance later in the arena for the VIP ticket holders, no one else. *sigh*

So then I spent 3 hours standing around, chatting to some girls from a local TV station who were Twi fans too, interviewing arriving celebrities like the prime minister’s wife about her thoughts on Twilight (funny, all the celebrities stuttered and stared and mumbled something about “well, it’s really my kids who talked me into coming..” Cowards!) and then asking the fans why they liked Twilight so much. (“The guys are SO handsome!” Yeah, right, I got that part.)

FINALLY we were let into the arena, and I quickly staked out a place close to the stage where I reckoned Rob and Ashley would be sitting and planted my feet in between two short thirteen-year-olds and right behind two TALL teenagers with squishy pony tails that tended to strike me in the face whenever they bounced. Oh well. I was kind of appalled to notice that hundreds of seats remained un-occupied throughout the event, since I knew that there were girls all over Scandinavia pining for a ticket. Not fair. Well, if they’d known what they were really in for, maybe they would have been less keen..?

And then we were in for a LONG wait, comprising “entertainment” by one hit wonders chosen for their appeal to teenage girls, and lame jokes by the morning radio hosts elected to host this event for unclear reasons, asking us at least ten times if we were looking forward to “actually being in the actual same room as Robert Pattinson?”. Duh, dude. Next question. By this time my back was hurting like crazy, and I was seriously regretting skipping lunch AND dinner. It would be kind of humiliating to be carried out fainting even before Rob had even entered the building, no?

We watched a ten-minute reel of clips from BD – twice, since Rob and Ashley apparently took longer to get from their hotel than expected. (Couldn’t you just hang out in the arena before time, or did grooming actually take you like, hours, guys?) – and finally had to endure the humiliation of collective singing and listening to one of the radio hosts improvising a song with his guitar just to fill out the time. (Rob, where are you when we need you?)

Will she see them? Find out more.. After the Jump(ing Rob)

Continue…

24 Commented

Rob Pattinson gives us “just the tip”

Dear Rob,

Oh no. It’s that time of year (or every year and 1/2 ) again when there’s SO much to talk about I can’t pick just one thing. And then Moon had to go & have a baby (okay her BROTHER had the baby (err sister in law) but still… she’s now an Aunt. It’s basically her baby.) and so she’s distracted & I can’t even break down all the new stuff you’ve done & said with her! AHH! Good thing we’ll be reunited in 8 days! (Me and Moon. You & I will be reunited in 10 days. I’ll be in the back of your limo on the way to the premiere. Just you wait)

Anyway, there’s this rumor, and I can’t corroborate it, and it’s a twitter rumor and you know how true those usually are (always true) that you said something amazing on Jimmy Kimmel two nights ago. You said:

Just the Tip

We say “just the tip.” I’ve been saying “just the tip” since college when a friend admitted she didn’t lose her v-card to This guy but in fact probably lost it to THAT guy if “just the tip” counted. (I asked. It does. Also this does too, in case you’re wondering—>)

And so I got thinking about “just the tip.” and You… and this is what I thought of:

Just the tip of your hat

Just the tip of your nose

Just the tip of your tongue

Just the tip of your elbow

Just the tip of your knee

just the tip of your shoe

I love when you play “just the tip”
Love,
UnintendedChoice

(sorry couldn’t bring myself to give you what you’re really waiting for, you Friday horn dogs! It’s like I’m playing “just the tip” with you all!)

So seriously.. Rob was looking hot as EVVVERRRR yesterday… what the!? He got rid of the goatee, right? Good boy. Reading LTR again, I see.

Oh and if anyone can confirm that Rob did, indeed, say “just the tip” I’d be forever grateful!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

28 Commented