Our friend Bethany (I hate when blog friends become RL friends because then I forget their blog name. Oh well) sent us a super important piece of journalistic work entitled:
which claimed that you talked to the SUN newspaper and shared that you bring back the Space Raiders “crisp” for Kristen every time you return to the states from England.
Because there is absolutely nothing on God’s green earth to write about I am, too, a fan of chips, I had a few thoughts:
1. Why are you talking to the Sun. About chips? Did they mess up their “Source” again and actually mean that one deranged, crazed aunt who is no longer to come to family get-togethers? (The same aunt that leaked your baby pictures?)
2. No American girl, with all the delicious, greasy, baked/cooked/fried/whatever you want chips available at her fingertips (or at the local 711) would ever choose British “Crisps” over our fattening favorite. Trust me. I’ve had your “chips.” And they’re not good. Neither are your English Muffins. They don’t taste like the ones Thomas makes. And don’t get me started on the Hob Nobs. I forget who, but some amazing blogging friend sent us some. And they were gross. We may have pretended to like them at the time because it was so thoughtful of our friend, but we were lying. They tasted like elitist cardboard.
3. Have you & Kristen already hit that point in your relationship where you go away for a few weeks and all she can think of for you to bring her home is something you can pick up at Heathrow right before you board the plane?
4. Do these “Crisps” help when the munchies hit? You know the kind…
5. Whenever a tabloid newspaper approaches you or your aunt in the future, instead of providing some ludicrous story about chips, could you instead just pose like this:
The SUN Peeps: “Rob Rob ROB! Before you go, can you just tell us a little tale about what you’ve been up to lately.”
You: “No, but I’ll stand here and look so sexy you’ll drop your crisps all over the street.”
More posing and less talking about chips. Thanks, love
Xo,
UC
HELP A SISTER OUT (Literally)
SPEAKING of Chips, my sweet little sister who ALSO loves chips, but the normal American kind (I have 3 little sisters- this is the 2nd youngest), Rachael, is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. I’m not really sure what she’s doing but I know she goes to the beach daily, catches tarantulas in tupperware containers & occasionally teaches English to kids and then tweets & blogs & runs social media for the organization (I’m so proud!)
For the next week there is a GREAT online store called Fresh Words Market with really cool products & prints giving 50% of each sale directly to Abriendo Mentes. If you need a gift- for you or someone you love or maybe even hate- buy it from this store because #1 they have great stuff and #2 it will help a great cause & #3 my sister will be really happy with me. And I’m kinda afraid she’s gonna send me that tarantula through the mail if I don’t get her some sales.
We’ve finally come to terms with what you did and we’re ready to deal with it. Of course we’re referring to the fact you adopted a dog instead of a cat…………… Kidding we’re talking about your hair. DUH. I love dogs.
Let’s break it down!
Avert your eyes
The one about HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Moon: here’s the thing either somehow he got cursed in the last month or some of his dude friends cut it for him when they were drunk cause buzzed hair rob in dec 2009 (sad i know the date) was NOT BAD!! like it was cute! but this… oh this… it just looks WEIRD like how do you make him look bad? by doing THAT Moon: its like when sam was buzzing it he decided to invent a new hairline too UC: I have to admit i saw one picture.. Wait back up I heard about it cuz it was revealed where.. Golden Globes? i saw the tweets I heard the screams… etc. etc. Moon: people’s choice awards UC: and i was like “What is the big deal.. it’s hair.. i bet it’s fine…” and so I didn’t look Moon: i mean some people like it… i also dont think theyre telling the truth but ya know UC: and then…. I looked AND IT WAS HORRIBLE I mean… HORRIBLE
See!!! The shaved head CAN look good
UC: you’re right. Buzz cut of 2009 (i remember the day I saw that- is that sad? Don’t answer that) was fine. drastic different sure we DID just have the greasy but sometimes delightful sex hair but it was fine THIS however is atrocious I don’t even care what anyone says Moon: something is just wrong i cant put my finger on it. nor do i want to UC: Like… it’s a military buzz cut right? one of our hot tub delivery guys just got one. he looks pretty smokin’ UC: Chattum tanning can give ME a military buzz cut he looks so dayum fine… but ROB? ROB looks ….
Why'd I do this to myself!? I don't know... wanna do it?
The one where I come up with the test Moon: ok here’s the test Moon: you’re at a bar. you’ve had ONE drink… ron comes up to chat with you (cause that happens) buys you ONE MORE drink… then wants to knock the boots. REMINDER he has that hair… Would you still DO HIM??? Moon: HONESTLY UC: wait… it’s ROB? UC: like ROB pattinson just with horrible hair? or does he just look like Rob (used to look) with bad hair is he wearing a hat? with a beanie? maybe even a dr. suess hat? I might do it if he had a dr. seuss hat Moon: NO! rob with this hair. its ron night of peaples coice awards hair, same outfit. nothing can change. UC: ew UC: omg UC: ummm Moon: THIS GUY Hey you, me… wanna go? UC: how drunk am I? Moon: two drinks. only one on ron’s tab UC that’s not very drunk- i have a high tolerance so far in 2012 Moon: exactly UC: omg… i mean.. he does not look good but it’s Rob ya know? Moon: no he doesn’t. but the memories remain??? UC: i think… UC: like he has elf ears Moon: his ears make him look like one of those scotch fold cats UC: I think…. as long as his breath doesn’t smell like stale beer, I’d probably be all in. I mean… he’d STILL have a british accent Moon: true, he does.
It's sooo haaard to say goodbyeee to yesterdaaaay
Moon: and he’d still be rob from gq days UC: and a small 93 beat-up BMW to whisk me away in… right.. i bet under the cover he IS that guy (actually i don’t bet that at all…. i’ve written about it many a time) Moon: oh THAT TOO! how could i forget Moon: if you suggested i bet he’s even spring for in n out on the way home UC: i could make my animal style joke I’ve been saving for him…. (‘can we do it animal style”) Moon: HA *rim shot* UC: thank you…. i’ll be here all week Moon: SEE even looking like that we would still do it. THIS IS WHY HE DOES THIS STUFF!!! he can get away with it he can get it in and look like a vagrant Moon: so youre down with having sex with a scotch fold earred ron… .
See even this isn't that bad!
The one where we find out how easy I am UC: what about YOU? Moon: oh, i was in from drink one UC: hahhaa Moon: i mean at this point… come on! UC: so you’re saying if he showed up to one of your NEW hot events you’re throwing at your NEW hot job….you’d be lik e”he- nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets get it on. just let me say bye to my boss?” Moon: EXACTLY what id say Moon: peace out suckers or even hey here’s an empty table we can do it under we dont even need to leave the event KLASSY. hahahahah UC: employee of the year Moon: yup Moon: sparkling water still counts as water right? UC: haha
Hey guys, anyone have a hot pocket?
Moon: this is what rob looks like now Moon: the ears UC: hahahahahahahahhaa UC: Id DEF do Rob if he looked like that UC: anddddd i just admitted to wanting to do a cat UC: great Moon: HAHAHAAHAH you’re into bestiality. Moon: and scene
Ok Rob, so that’s how we feel about it… weeks later. But I’m sure you knew what we’d say. Since it has been a few weeks hopefully I’ll casually bump into you in the produce section of Von’s and your hairs will have grown out to a respectable length and we can them thump melons together. In bed. IfyouknowwhatImsayin. You do.
YAY! ROB! We’re back!
Themoonisdown
PS Now I MUST INSIST you make it over to LTT today because you will DIE. Simply die it’s that good.
Yes, the hair. What say you? I mean do you HONESTLY like it??
Last night I was feeling bad that you had to sit through crap like the people’s choice awards then I saw this…
Now, I hate you and I don’t feel bad at all!!!1!!!11!!!!
I’m also insanely jealous that I wished I’d sent my Golden Girls koozy with you to be signed (it’s a real thing). So uh, thanks for telling me you were about to realize one of my life long dreams when you got to sit next to and meet one of the two remaining Golden Girls in the world! Hrrrrmmmpphh. JEALOUS.
The only thing that would make me feel better is to know you spent every commercial break singing the theme song to her and then telling her how you loved the Miami jingle episode or the one where Rose was trying to say the light house or the one where Rose’s boyfriend turned out to be in the witness protection program. I also want to believe that she regaled you with stories about when she lived in St. Olaf but I can’t think about it any longer or I’ll get jealous again.
Oh and we’ll talk about that thing you’re calling a hair do later… in fact UC and I have scheduled a time especially devoted to talking about it. Get ready.
And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew… you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card atttached would say: “Thank you for being a friend”
Themoonisdown
Did anyone actually watch the People’s Choice Awards? I didn’t even know it was on till I started seeing tweets and FB updates. I’m pretty sure the above gifs were the best part of the night
There was a rumor floating around on Twitter yesterday that your buttcrack would be starring in Bel Ami, the film (as opposed to Bel Ami, the book, which would be equally as awesome) which prompted cheers of joy heard around the globe, a twitter melt down, your grandmother to go into shock and me throwing my fist in the air, pumping it Jersey-style yelling, “BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB” in my office.
Apparently some lucky fans in Belgium got to see Bel Ami & spilled the details via twitter. My favorite twitter response goes to the entertaining: @Mama_Cougar:
with Moon’s tweet as a close second:
And the news got me thinking about your buttcrack- what will it look like? How much will we get to see? What will the angle be? Will it be portrayed in way that will make me want to pull a quarter out of my wallet and try to insert it down your backside (Bel Ami is in 3D right?) Will it be attractive? Will it be (yuck) hairy? Did you shave the morning you knew what scene you would be shooting? Did you get little red bumps afterward? Will we see the red bumps on screen? Or Did you get your buttcrack waxed? Who made the appointment? Did you get a waxist recommendation from your mom? What was the reaction of the butt waxer when she saw whose ass she was about to de-hair? Was she shaking? Did she accidentally pull some leghairs off instead because she was so nervous? Did she try to convince you to get lazer hair removal on your ass? Can you even DO lazer on a buttcrack?
After pondering all that for a bit, I did a little “research” into “Rob Pattinsons’ Buttcrack” of days gone by. We have seen it before, you know:
We’ve seen the TSA Buttcrack Adventure where even the major news media (aka TMZ) took interest
And who could forget the Buttcrack and Black Dots experience when you were filming New Moon in Italy?
We’ve even been lucky enough to get a Buttcrack on the Bearskin in the past
But as you can see- we’re due for a GOOD LONG LOOK a the real thing. None of this “just the tip [of the buttcrack]” None of this blurry screencap nonsense. Stop teasing us so! I want a big ol’ SHOT of the glorious thing. I want a camera ZOOM and a cinematography SWEEP. I want the composer to write an orchestral masterpiece for the moment when it’s revealed! [Now throw your fist up in the air and pump with me]
We’ve made it another year, it’s 2012! So of course that means it’s time to see how we did on 2011′s resolutions to see whether the people who wanted us to fail won or if WE won (spoiler: we didn’t!). Let’s take a look back shall we?
. .
1. We want to meet Rob
Verdict – FAIL! Thanks for Mike Welch. I think we all remember me being Rob blocked on the Red Carpet at this years Breaking Dawn Premiere… will I ever live down the infamous “ROB!!! ROOOOBBB!!! ROOOOOBBBBB!!” as Mike Welche stands two inches from me being interviewed. OH WELL! UC/Moon: 0 People who want us to fail: 1 Mike Welch: 1
2. We resolve for Rob to mention us or something we’ve said in an interview like he did with Leno and emails from his dad! We need a fuckyearyangosling moment! (Ryan Gosling read some “FuckYeahRyanGoslings” in an MTV interview! Be still my heart!) Or someone needs to show him Rob Porn during an interview. And not the kind where his face is superimposed over a porn star’s naked body! He needs to read a caption over his picture about alphabetizing romance novels. Or asking for directions. Verdict – FAIL! Well, since we didn’t get to meet or ask one measly question on the red carpet this didn’t happen… BUT if by Rob signing our pal’s RON poster at the premiere counts as an inside joke or ours then YES! There’s always this year! UC/Moon: 0 People who want us to fail: 2 Mike Welch: 1
We're your biggest fans!!! Not you Rob... Norm's.
3. We resolve for Moon & Amber from Rob My world to start their own Norman’s Rare Guitar’s street team. It’s basically started- one day, not so long ago on my PERSONAL Facebook, I noticed both Moon AND Amber had “Liked” the Norman’s Rare Guitar’s page. Of course it wasn’t random. It was on the day Rob was seen buying a new guitar. And of course within 10 minutes there were 20 people commenting who know exactly why they liked that obscure California shop! Verdict – Half fail, because while there was no street team Amber and I did “share” and comment to each other on all Norm’s Rare Guitars Facebook posts. So essentially we’re Norm’s most active users so because of that this is a win! UC/Moon: 1 People who want us to fail: 2 Mike Welch: 1
Nope, still pretty hot
4. Try not to be turned on by the sight of Rob near a huge smelly pile of elephant crap during the water for elephants premiere! Verdict – Total fail. I don’t know about UC but pretty much any time Rob was on screen during Water for Elephants I thought he was hot… well minus the cross dressing/clown look in that one scene UC/Moon: 1 People who want us to fail: 3 Mike Welch: 1
5. To be less annoyed at Rob’s disappearance from my life- or maybe just for him to show up.. ANYWHERE! To go for lunch and undies shopping with TomStu again!!! Maybe buy a hot pocket in public! Get lost near a church, Break up with KStew or admit he actually has a cardboard tent in his living room. He could try a new girlfriend out for awhile. Maybe check himself into rehab. ANYTHING! Literally ANYTHING. We’ll take it! Maybe be seen out in public with MULTIPLE different women. Be a player for a few days! How about he sleeps with me a fan? Take advantage of me the plethora of attractive girls into him! He would get major me HOT tail (or at least me attractive game on week nights!) And he wouldn’t even have to buy them gifts! Or remember their names! No one expects that at all. They just expect to steal a dirty sock and leave. Or maybe twitpic his O-face. Or audio-record his moans. Or snores. Or the sound his teeth make while chewing on a hot pocket while in bed……(I haven’t put much thought into that. At all)
Verdict – I’m going to count this one as a win. There were times we were definitely annoyed that he disappeared but I think after three years we’ve figured out Rob likes to pull disappearing acts so we’re not terribly surprised when he up and leaves us for WEEKS on end. Thanks Rob… but I guess he should also know by now that those are the times when we get to make up the craziest stuff about him. So take your pick friend. UC/Moon: 2 People who want us to fail: 3 Mike Welch: 1
Final count on 2011′s Robsolutions? UC/Moon: 2, People who want us to fail: 3 and Mike Welch: 1. So suck it Mike Welch we beat you by ONE in our OWN Rob-solutions. But you still won where it counted… on the black carpet! AHHH!!!!
So since we’re all about failing let’s make some NEW Rob-solutions for 2012 and see if we can beat that blasted Mike Welch at his own game. Who can we cock block on the red carpet?! KIDDING.
2012 New Year’s Rob-solutions
1. Since we’re also glutton’s for punishment we’re going to try to talk to Rob again on the red carpet and Mike Welch be damned. If it involves stilts and a megaphone we’ll do whatever it takes. So if you’re going to be at BD2 premiere bring your ear plugs and riot gear cause “ROB!!! ROOOOBBB!!!” Part 2 will be in full effect.
Yup, we'll be seeing this... first (or like 1000th) in line!
2. We are resolving to see all of Rob’s movies in a timely fashion this year, like in the first week they release. So yes, Bel Ami even after our apathy with you, we will be there with corsets and bells on. Cause we love Rob… even when he looks all sweaty and syphilis-y.
3. Ok, since we know Rob signed the Ron poster and we’re hoping he just doesn’t need new glasses we resolve that we want someone in Rob’s family or a cast member/work friend to call him Ron in some sort of public arena. If our iPhone autocorrect turns Rob into Ron then theirs must too!
4. We’re going to perfect our eye sex game so we can creep out Sam Bradley more than he creeps out us with his special brand of eye sex at an upcoming concert. *shudder*
5. With a straight face, cover one of Rob’s songs at Karaoke night. If one of his is not available, and let’s face it they probably won’t be at 98% of karaoke places, we must cover a song that is special to Rob/Robsten (ie Sex on Fire, Breath Me, anything by Van Morrison) and dedicate it to him on the mic.
Rob, what are your thoughts on world peace? Stephanie, stop laughing!
6. Attempt to get an interview with Robert Pattinson at an upcoming press junket for one of these movies we don’t think the entire foreign press league and Mario Lopez will be at. If we get it then proceed to have violent nausea for 4 days prior to the event because we don’t know what we’ve gotten ourselves into. IF the interview happens to be in London we will also do a Rob tour of the city, see all the sights, stalk his parents and give them flowers and a card and ask if he made good on that promise to get them a new boiler for Christmas. We’ll take a video camera along of course. We’ll also leave our shame at the airport.
7. Only say nice things about you Ron in 2012………….. JUST KIDDING! Never going to happen, I’m pretty sure I already blew that in this post anyway. We love you too much to slobber all over you 24/7 anyway.
So as you can see we’re going to fail a lot this year but some of this WILL happen in 2012… what will they be? Only time and twelve months will tell. Here’s hoping we get to see the Patinson’s new boiler first hand.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Moon & UC
Any Rob-solutions we should add to the list? Besides really wanting him to do a new photo shoot? Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
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SPEAKING of Chips, my sweet little sister who ALSO loves chips, but the normal American kind (I have 3 little sisters- this is the 2nd youngest), Rachael, is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. I’m not really sure what she’s doing but I know she goes to the beach daily, catches tarantulas in tupperware containers & occasionally teaches English to kids and then tweets & blogs & runs social media for the organization (I’m so proud!)
