Rob Pattinson & a Whole Lotta Rosie

Rob, it’s the holidays. Which means I spent yesterday driving 120 miles for work, then shopped for SIX hours. That means not only have I only seen the Water for Elephants trailer ONCE, but I haven’t had time yet to “Break it Down” yet with Moon. And that’s a travesty. Because your soft floppy hair must be discussed. Listen in as Cath & Draska take the reigns today:

Um, hot

Dear Rob,

We have been seriously swooning over the just released Water for Elephants trailer. That movie is going to be soooo good. We had already high hopes based on all the great set and candid pictures that came out while you were shooting it (well, except for the black socks and sandals combo). But sadly we’ll have to wait up to four months until we can see it in all it’s glory in the theater. So to soothe the waiting, we’d thought we’d talk a bit about your favorite co-star Tai, who plays Rosie, the elephant love of your life. (Dear Reese, we realize you’re his romantic lead, but this is Tai’s moment in the sun. Sure you don’t mind!).

As regulars at LTR may know, we have a history here in commenting about the great grey giants in the past. We even created Bobo (a hybrid between Bono and a baby elephant – please don’t ask-) and we christened the Details elephant Karla; we wish we’d remembered why…So obviously we love elephants and we’re very excited that you have an elephant co-star in this movie! By all reports she’s described as sweet, smart, talented, and gentle

A comment by an actress in WFE, Jackie Zane, a few months ago, really caught our attention. She said how nice you were (we heart that, although she left out the being incredibly hot part…but scroll down- she even mentions your giggling.). She also said that Tai seemed smitten with you and she sniffed your face with her trunk while you gently petted her. We do relate Tai, we do relate. We’ll leave it to that, before these double entendres get (any more) out of hand.

And then this!!! The lion was licking your arm?!? You must be some kind of wild animals (*cough* women *cough*)  whisperer….

But all jokes aside, of course Tai is smitten with you; she’s a smart girl! She knows something good when she sees it. And that lion, too; we’d lick your arm if that chance was offered to us…Would like to say that we were above that, but I’d be lying!

And see? Also a woman whisperer: Even in Polish. Your power rules over language barriers. We’d happily follow that request, anytime. Trust.

Also we couldn’t help but remember the infamous Details interview and what you described as ‘the best day of your life… beautiful, beautiful day’; when an elephant vacuumed your foot, purred at you, laughed and imitated horses, chickens and monkeys, wrote a screenplay, put your whole body upside down in her mouth and searched your pockets for peppermints (see pp. 5 and 6, of the article). What do you mean, that seems unrealistic??? You didn’t exaggerate quite so much??? Okay, we hear you. Don’t feel bad for being so enthusiastic about your new friend.

[BTW, I asked a zookeeper friend of mine about the sound and it’s more of an ultrasonic rumbling feeling than a purring sound, but what the heck, whatever you say Rob, purring it is –drsaka].
You loved that day and the elephant. Okay, we’re still jealous, but really impressed with your elephant experience.

In the meantime, please, please, please say that there is a picture out there of you like this Rob, please!

Can we see it? Pretty please It make the waiting seem shorter. AND we’ll sing you a song if you show it to us. Our own ode to the amazingness that’s your sweet and gentle co-star. (She’s our favorite too…) We hope that you enjoy it Rob!

Feel free to sing along:
Original music and lyrics to ‘Whole Lotta Rosie’ by AC/DC. Gentle modifications by us.

Let There Be Ellies!!!

Wanna tell you a story
‘Bout an elephant I know
Ah, come to sweetness
Ooh, she steals the show
She’s really gentle
With trunk to your face
Searched your pockets for peppermints
You could say she’s really the very best.

Never seen an ellie
Never seen an ellie like Rosie

Doing all the things
Doing all the things she does

Ain’t no fairy story
Ain’t no tall tale

But she gives it all she’s got
Your best, nicest co-star yet

You’re a whole lotta ellie
A whole lotta ellie
Whole lotta Rosie
Whole lotta Rosie
Whole lotta Rosie
And you’re a whole lotta ellie

Yours in vintage 1930’s style clothing (or out of it),
Cath and drsaka

How excited are you all for this movie? Doesn’t Rob look amazing in the trailer? Almost as good as Tai?  Would you lick his arm too or would you snuffle him elephant-style? Were you jealous of the Polish lady in the interview? Or of Tai or Reese, maybe even of Christopher Waltz??? Tell us!

Please see http://waterforelephantsfilm.com/ for interviews and picture credits.

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131 Commented

Swimming Tips from Rob Pattinson

Dear Rob,

You’ve been busy. Stripping down, jumping epically & giving us much to Break Down Vanity Fair Style:

UC: I am happy to report…. that quite immediately I was pleasantly surprised with Rob’s pictures. I mean….. The dude got in shape! Or at least stopped eating shit. (Speaking of that- think K was offended when he stopped eating her loquat pies?)
Moon: Everyone was surprised. I mean what will I do with that loquat tree I planted in my yard now?
UC: Big Daddy. Enough said
Moon: but I was impressed too. I mean this doesn’t look drawn on or like New Moon Rob at all. He looks lean and mean
UC: I know….Very lean. I mean…. I don’t think we’ve seen Rob this lean since we’ve “fallen” for him.
Moon: It’s all the smoking and hanging with Kristen. And he doesn’t eat so many hot pockets or order in with Tom Stu
UC: Did this happen recently? OR was he pretty lean looking for WFE?
Moon: No remember his mothering hips in those pants in WFE?
UC: yes- you’re right……. Perhaps it happened recently- It was the past few days of his sensitive stomach not being able to handle the Brasilian food- too much time on the toilet- coming out both ends. All you need for a little weight loss is a trip to Brasil & a taste of unfiltered water!!
Moon: seriously montezuma’s revenge- the unwanted diet
UC: I mean.. Dang- has he been playing Soccer? Look at those leg muscles. They are new
Moon: Here’s the thing though. He looks lean and mean but this is on FILM in pics. The camera adds 10 lbs and I’ve seen him IN PERSON in his ‘huskier’ phase and he was SKIIINNY So what does he REALLY look like, ya know?
UC: you’re right
Moon: he probably looks like a male Kstew- which is scccaarrrieeerrr. Girl is SKINNY!!!!
UC: Are we worried? Is he sick? Does he need an intervention?
Moon: he needs some good food and a lat machine to complement his obvious love of the leg press machine
UC: and something for the pecs- If we’re talking about imperfections like girls LOVE to do… compliment a man on his body & then figure out what he can approve
Moon: nothing like knocking his confidence every day

Brasilian for Brasil

Rut-Roh

UC: but also- recently shaven? Are we thinking that Kristen’s not the ONLY one who got a Brasilian before going to Brasil?
Moon: he defs got the man-zillian
UC: He’s not a hairy guy, but there’s nothing there- which gives me some “twilight” questions- he HAD hair in New Moon.. but it’s gone? What gives Steph? I thought Vamps couldn’t lose hair?
UC: and SPEAKING of losing hair and criticizing Rob’s few imperfections—— Rob has a bald spot
UC: It actually looks like mine- it’s not “bald” just thin- he sleeps on that side. I do too. day two of dirty hair? I look ridiculous. Takes me 15 to cover it up. I FEEL YOU Rob. I have a thinner spot too. I know the pain
Moon: right, it’s pRobably where he napped before
UC: Although- mine is because of how I sleep. I fear Rob’s is male-patterned baldness. Maybe he takes after Uncle George since Dick has a full head…
UC: so…. I hear Rogaine works- or Moon & I had a friend in college who used to spray something from CVS on his unfortunate 22 year old bald head
UC: Rob, you, could try that….
Moon: I’ll only be worried if Rob starts playing Sting on the hammer dulcimer- like our bald friend in college…
UC: hahahahahahahahhaahah
Moon: which would be the best day of my life
UC: EVER

He Jumps

Moon: next to seeing jumping Rob- Yes- cuz THAT was the best day- he’s like the most uncoordinated kid at the public pool on the first day of summer
UC: Yep- and then the Internet meme it’s spawned with Fuck Yeah Jumping Rob
Moon: he was scared and then some lifeguard called him a pussy- so he did an awkward running leap. Kinda like Sandlot
Moon: he’s like JUMPING Rob FOOOORRRRREVERRRRR
UC: He’s running away from the cook “NOoooo- not the unfiltered water again”
Moon: NOT MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE!!! FUCK MONTEZUMA!!!
UC: You know what we need? Jumping Rob made into Cardboard cut out Rob- Imma google it
Moon: omg I NEED!!!
Moon: I NEED!! You can make it
UC: we need to- We can give one away. To a lucky reader.
Moon: and bring it to all our twi events. Aka when we see Sam Bradley play the hotel cafe next time
UC: YES! Omg. Crying. I mean. not really- I think there’s something in my eye, but still. I would cry
Moon: DUDE we need this- Sam would make awkward sex eyes with cardboard jumping Rob at his show.
UC: We can get one made for $100 + Shipping
Moon: we gotta be able to find it somewhere for cheaper I’m gonna try to print it big this week! Print him at work!
UC: Please get caught
Moon: I will report back on jumping Rob cardboard cut out this week

UC: why does this feel like a different picture? Or a different era? Besides it being a close up- and proof that… that’s a hip muscle right? That’s NOT airbrushed?
UC: Red shorts just looks like young Rob- not pedophile Zygote young Rob…but I prefer Black short Rob
Moon: he looks just about right here- little more meat
UC: right… I’m confused.. big lunch that day? There just a difference between Red Shorts & black Shorts
UC: like what’s going on here?

You have to open the egg UNDER the water, Bella!

UC: I feel like this is Cedric. Do Bella & Edward role-play on their honeymoon? Cedric & Cho Chan?
Moon: omg thought the same thing!!
UC: I think it’s because it’s really the only time we’ve seen Rob Wet (unfortunately) Besides that one time when it was raining on his head in Twilight
Moon: She’s getting all excited about Deathy hallows so he indulged her and did a reenactment of the water scene
UC: Yep- he’s swimming with the mer-people here.
UC: Or it reminds me of that pic of Rob in the bathtub in that movie where his aunt rubs him down or something? I never saw it. I’m too scared
Moon: haunted airman??? me either
UC: I refuse. I think- until I’m sick for a week & have nothing to do- maybe sometime when I visit Brasil & drink unfiltered water (dude, before we get Brasilian hate- Let me just say: you’d get sick too if you drank our US water after being used to yours- calm down. Plus I live in Philly- my water has been murky white this week. I’m pretty sure it would catch on fire if I tried. Next time Rob needs to lose a little weight he should just visit me)

Continue…

226 Commented

(not so) BREAKING NEWS: Rob has shaved his beard!?

All it took was me shaving my grizzly adams beard to get what I want?! Who knew you girls were that easy?

*This story is developing we’ll bring you the latest as we learn more *

Dear Rob,

Word on the Twitters is that you have finally shaved that haggard badger you called a beard off your chin.

Clearly you read our 2034942357435 posts and tweets about how over it we were. We thank you for being a loyal reader of LTR and doing your part for the betterment of womankind.

xoxo,
Themoonisdown

PS you owe us a picture

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126 Commented

Rob out in West Hollywood: The Untold story

Dear Rob,

You, your bushy beard, uni-brown & friends were caught in West Hollywood the other day. This is the untold story:

Robert Pattinson, sad because they were out of wings at Jimmy Fallon’s Emmy after-party, wanted to leave. Or that’s what he told his entourage. And they bought it. Because, well, it’s pretty believable. But in reality he was bummed out because that hunk from The Good Wife didn’t recongize him & he thought he was pretty famous these days. He thought he was Ted Danson’s teenage son. And Rob was also a little bit perturbed because after returning from the bar, Sam Bradley did a double take, circled him & checked out his ass.

So he just decided to leave, with or without the entourage. Leaving in a pack would just make that guy from “The Good Wife” even more convinced he could score an autograph from his dad for his Cheers beer mug. All the while, the security guard is thinking:

Damn- I knew this vampire kid was popular, but this is ridiculous, I just dodged some granny panties, glitter, a vodka shirt, some deoderant and someone’s prostetic leg. This is bananas…… wait did I just hear some yell “sparklepeen?” What in the Sam Hill’s a “sparklepeen?”

Rob makes his way out onto the streets of West Hollywood, where no one mistakes him for the son of Ted:

Rob: You… YOU!!! someones got a hold of my arm… here let me use your hand mr security gaurd.better… YOU…. hey…i like that holey shirt you’re wearing, can i have that? no? ok, do you have a cigarette then? No…?

Meanwhile Stephenie Ritz can be heard saying:

Ouch. ouch. ouch. Oh god there’s antoher one. Hold my hand, Rob!

The gang needs to get out of there. And quick. They start to pick up the pace when suddenly something stops them in their tracks:

Rob: Booooooooobs!
Stephenie: Wow… they are nice….. forget bitchface. This is my boobface.

But the distraction only lasts for so long…. pretty soon they are attacked by pens & a ream of photo paper from Costo

Pap 1: Please Mr. Pattinson- my daughter is a fan of you as a vampire. I swear I won’t auction off your autograph for $1,000 on ebay- I will put it immediately into my daughter’s Twilight book
Pap 2: He’s lying. I’m gonna be straight with you. I was gonna tell you I wanted your John Hancock for my neice, but in reality, it’s for my wife….Come on.. it’ll just take a second.

TomStu: I could sign it. I was in Pirate Radio… naked

The paps ignore Tom & finally Rob obliges them, after he walks square into a bush. But first he asks for 20-25 or so sheets of paper from Pap #1. The other day he wanted to make a grocery list but couldn’t find any paper. He had to use toilet paper. It was embarsasing. It got stuck on his shoe while he was waiting for a 1/2 lb of Hickory Smoked Turkey at the Deli counter.

But enough about cold cuts, shit hits the fan soon after

Guy in pic: Rob…. I’m sorry to tell you- people are starting to notice. You’ve been spotted
Rob: But I thought my overraction over the empty tray of hot wings distracted them?
Guy: normally it would but…Stephenie can’t hide it anymore….your secret is leaking out
Rob: Steph- just a few more steps. Try to get your boobface back.
Steph: think about boobs..think about boobs Ouch- boobs- I can’t– ouch.. boo–

And as the truth to their quick escape is revealed and the whispers start to spread, this security guard can’t contain his excitement and he breaks into song:

Excited Guard: WHEN THE MOOOOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THATS AMOREEEEE..
WHEN THE STARS START TO SHINE LIKE YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE… THATS AMOREEEEE (or what i like to call, Tuesday)

And then suddenly the secret is out- there is no denying what’s going on. Sure Rob was upset that he was called Rob Danson one too many times. Sure it sucked when they ran out of hot wings, but the true reason for the escape can no longer be hidden:

Stephenie Ritz is in labor. Yes, she is pregnant with Rob’s child. KStew is around just to take the spotlight off the REAL gossip. It happened just like you’d think- one night when Rob was crashing on Steph’s couch, Steph joined him. One thing led to another. They got out the Breaking Dawn script & they acted out the Isle Esme parts. And the rest is history.

We can call them Robanie. Or even Stephbert. The news is out- this is the real story……

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Pics Source

What do you think? Def a Steph/Rob love child happening? Are you as 2nd-hand embarassing as I am that Rob showed up to a Hollywood after-party looking like that? Dragging along his 2 bffs like he’s 5 years old and they’re his favorite teddy bears?!

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137 Commented

Where is Robert? An offensive App…

Rob, pass this letter along to Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, creator of the iPhone 4 you undoubtably gave up trying to learn how to use and gave to TomStu who probably thought it was a beer coaster

Dear Steve Jobs,

I caught wind via the encyclopedia of the 21st century (aka Twitter) that there was a new iPhone app that tracked Rob Pattinson’s whereabouts called “Where is Robert?”. Immediately intrigued, I hopped on over to the App store & purchased it for a whopping $0.99. After perusing it’s features: The Rob Tracker, Rob Trivia & Rob Pictures, I sat down to pen this letter to you. And look out. I’m not happy.

Burgers? WHERE? Beirut?

This app is completely offensive. First of all, the map with Rob’s whereabouts doesn’t even link to the locations. What kind of tracker is this? Now, I’ve been to the Hotel Cafe in LA looking for Rob, but what if I hadn’t? What if I was from Beirut & opened up my app all excited to find out where Robert Pattinson was on Wednesday July 14th. I have no idea where the Hotel Cafe is. I’m from Beirut. What if there is a hotel cafe in downtown Beirut that I assume Rob is at? I get all excited, I slip into my highest heels, my shortest skirt & a push up bra and put on my dark red lipstick, preparing to woo Rob by the bar in his hotel. “Heineken” sounds so sexy in Beiruitan. But I don’t get a change to whisper “Heineken” to Rob because he’s NOT in Beirut and the Hotel Cafe turns out to be a brothel & I end up working as a high class prostitute for the rest of my life. How do you like that!? Alllllll because you refused to link on the map of Rob’s whereabouts.

Another reason I’m offended is because the app didn’t even accept my submission under the link “Rob Moved.” “In My Pants” is TO A valid location for Rob to be. I even figured out the exact GPS coordinates where my pants were at that exact moment. That took me about 7 minutes. And my submission was REJECTED as INVALID. I will never have those 7 minutes back again.

The offenses never end: Turns out the pictures section I was so excited about? LAMEEEEEEEEEEEE. Give me something I don’t have stored on my 3 external harddrives, specific for Rob pics & videos. Well, okay.. this picture was a nice addition. It’s been awhile since I’ve viewed Rob, a thinner John Mayer and 2 cocker spaniels. +3 for that effort, but the icon on my iPhone screen next to my banking app & iPeriod tracker? It’s that picture of Rob from EW in 2008 where he looks more like his wax figurine than the actual Rob Pattinson himself (see above) -3 for this feature.

And can I tell you how OFFENDED I was at the TRIVIA that was asked!? Listen to this question:

What did his sisters do to him until he was 12?

Um, I don’t know- was it something similar to what his Creepy Uncle did? Cause that’s what it sounds like you’re implying!

Lastly, I’m concerned for Robert’s safety, and that is the main reason for my letter. (And also to ask if you could ask AT&T on my behalf to let me out of my contract early so I could upgrade to the iPhone 4) With all the crazies out there, I’m not sure it’s wise to have an app that tracks Robert’s every move. For example, should this information, direct from the “Where’s Rob” screen, be public?

-June 30th: Partying it up at the Beverly Hills Hotel in LA
-July 1st: On the set of Water for Elephants in Ventura, CA!
-July 6th: Robert & Kristen Stweart last seem at LA’s Century City… Dinner and a movie last night with Spunky Ransom!
-Wed July 14 Rob was at Hotel Cafe, LA
-Tues Jul 20 Rob is cruising for burgers in his new Chevy Nova ’63!

This could do a whole lot of damage to Rob if the crazies get a hold of it. Now that they know where he was on Tuesday July 20th. Rob will never be able to cruise for a burger in a Chevy Nova ever again without people with cameras going after him. I mean tomorrow if the app reports where he was today, I plan on buying a plane ticket and going to that location- even if it ends up being the Hotel Cafe in Beirut. And we know what happens there now, don’t we Steve?

So I am asking for my $0.99 back from the purchase of the app, my innocence, a new push up bra, those 7 minutes that were stolen from me, plus a gel iPhone cover preferably in pink. You can find my information under my “Where is Robert” Score Board username. It’s “Rob’s F*ck Buddy”

Thank you,
UnintendedChoice

This satirical piece was written after discovering that people on Twitter actually had a problem with an app that reports Rob’s location days after the fact, often on the wrong day and who are coincidentally are some of the same people on twitter who are happy to blog about and report on his location after the papparazzi, who are the ones tracking Rob down, sell the photos. I’m OFFENDED. Are you?

Dear Rob, It actually might be a good idea for you to invest $0.99 into this app- you can use it like a kinda calendar or to remember what you did the week before when you’re emailing Dick back about your life. Love, UC

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114 Commented