Does Robet Pattinson wonder about his life….?

Dear Rob,

Moon found this gem of a picture over on a Tumblr account yesterday with the caption:

I wonder if Robert Pattinson ever wonders about his life

I’ll give you a few days minutes to fully appreciate the above portrait of what your life could be. Look at your potential child. Plan what you’re going to do with this collage burn it like blow it up and have it printed on a big canvas to hang above THE fireplace (You know the one)

Rob's new desktop background: his feminine self

Now let’s talk: do you? Wonder about your life? Do you sit around and think about how this stuff is out there? Does it even phase you that it exists? Has anyone TOLD you that it exists?

Picture this: It’s a boring Saturday. There’s nothing on TV and you can’t figure out how to work that “video game machine” in your rental house. What do you do? Do you break out the ipad & Google yourself? Even though last time you did it you swore you never would again? Does life ever get that boring (Or do you ever get THAT drunk? Or- what I would do if I were him- does TomStu ever change your laptop background to one of these fan made gems?) If so, what do you think? Anything? What comes to mind? Is it “normal” at this point? Or can you still not believe that this happened… to you?

Rob's favorite meal: Corn on the cob, lobster & Heineken

Do you ever actually open any of the fan mail you get? If you do, what do you think when you’re handed a replica of your very favorite, holey shirt. Does that scare that shit out of you or are you happy because now you can throw out the old shirt that really wasn’t ridding itself of its musty scent, no matter how many times you washed it? What about when your manager hands you a gift from a fan & you open it and it is all your favorite snacks & a 6 pack of your favorite beer? Are you excited because your fridge is a barren wasteland most of the time & you can finally go to bed full tonight? Or are you creeped out because how do they remember?

Do you even ask your parents what they’ve been up to anymore? Or do you fear that everytime you do your dad is going to regail you of stories of “a nice young girl” who recently stopped by & dropped flowers off at the house? Or how Claire “just happened” to receive a box of her favorite chocolates in the mail. Or what if Dick tells you you moved out right at the wrong time because a bunch of “nice girls your age” have been hanging around near the house and they never did before? Does it phase you?

And do you have to think twice before you text a friend a dirty joke knowing that it’s possible someone has hacked into your phone, looked at your personal pictures & sees everything you search for or do (mainly the menu item “HOW TO USE THE JITTERBUG PHONE)? And getting back to that boring Saturday, what if you want to watch PORN but fear that someone guessed your wireless password (Patty), turned on your web cam & is watching you at this very moment?

Do you ever pick up a magazine while you’re in line checking out at Maxwell’s Market in Baton Rouge and read an article about how you like to shop at Maxwell’s Market and look around to see whose watching you. and since they wrote “so one can only hope he picked up some items to cook her [Kristen] a romantic dinner!” you suddenly feel self conscious because all that is in your basket is a pack of Twizzlers, some bottled water & string cheese. So you put the items back & walk out. Because you can’t even grocery shop without an audience. And someone asks you to sign their reusable Maxwell’s Market bag on the way out the door….

But I bought this rare guitar for $700!!! My money might run out soon!

Rob, what do you think about your life? Sure you’re famous, and it comes with the territory. But do the gobs of money being thrown at you make it worth it (I’m going to go with NO since it seems the only thing you spend money on is processed food & guitars. Take a trip! buy a boat! Fly to a remote place where paparazzi leaves celebs alone (it’s possible). Unless you live in a cave where you get little to no contact (and that’s kinda true) you have to know that some of this exists. And I can laugh (and I do) and make light of it (and write you letters about it) and discuss it with my pals, but at the end of the day, you are an actual person- not just a figment of my imagination- and these things actually happen to you….. so … do you wonder? Do you even think about it? Does it phase you…? I want to know…. (and so I’ll wait until the next time you google yourself & find these questions. In the meantime I’ll just be photoshopping Mr. Choice out & you into my wedding pictures. I also have a pregnant cousin who I kinda resemble. I think with my face & her body, it could be the spiting image of our possible future together as mommy & daddy….)

Love,
UnintendedChioce

What do you think? When Rob is confronted with the crazy aspects of his fame, what DOES he think!?

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80 Commented


Does the public not “know” about me?

Dear Rob,

Is it possible that the only people who know that you have adult, married, professional, normal, non-teenager fans are…. your adult, married, professional normal, non-teenager fans?

If so, thank God.

I’ve wondered this often, but when “Jumping Rob” turned into an internet meme, I decided we needed to discuss this phenomenon. My favorite internet-news (aka distract you while at work) site is Urlesque.com, and they talked about Jumping Rob and said this:

My roommate from college edits Urlesque & I bet it KILLED her not to change it to “every 14 year-old girl’s & UnintendedChoice’s dreams” after that blogger submitted his piece for publishing. She knows better, but apparently the blogger who wrote the story does not. Nor, it seems, does anyone else writing about Rob’s fans realize that there is quite a wide fanbase beyond the teenager.

She just met Robert Patterson

Why is that? Where do they get that impression the all your fans are 14 year old screaming, crying girls? Is it because you got started on Harry Potter? It can’t be, right? Harry Potter is widely known to be huge with kids, teens, young adults & older people alike! Plus you did that not-for-kids biopic on Salvador Dali where you did The Tuck (and as a horrified late 20 something, trust me, that is not something your 14 year old fans need or want to see) Have they not heard of your movies “The Bad Mother’s Handbook” or “How to Be!?” (should surprise no one how is that possible!?) Those aren’t Disney-like films that scream “hoards of teenage fans!” Is it all Twilight’s fault? Is the bigger question- has the media really ignored the HUGE group of non-teenage fans for you & the Twilight saga (and should we be asking if that’s a bad thing!?) and only focused on the minority of loud, uncontrolled fans of “Edward” who think you’re last name is Patterson?

I’d be willing to bet my Pattinson Pants that there are more mature, adult, professional, non-screaming, non-Rob-T-shirt wearing anywhere but bed (or yoga class- yep- did it last week!) fans out there than there are 14 year old teenage girls. Seriously- I’m putting my Pattinson Pants on the line about that one. It’s probably safe to say that almost every 14 year old in the world does love Twilight and Edward by default. But then I’d guess 1/2 of them like Taylor Lautner more than you. And so we have half of the 14 year old population left in the world to compete with. And if you take the 12% of “out” 20 somethings, add the 25% of closeted 20 somethings, add in the same amount of 30somethings (maybe there’s a few more who are “out” about their Rob-love) plus all the 40, 50, 60+ somethings claiming a Passion for Pattinson, we have the 14 year olds beat. Guaranteed.

Are you ashamed to admit you love me?

However, I’m not running to tell the media that. I don’t really need major-news sites digging into the LTR archives & quoting me on things I used to say. Although, if a few places would start to admit that teenagers aren’t the majority of your fans, Rob (and their female coworkers are most likely closeted Robsessors) life might get a little easier for us. Imagine if the odd looks Moon & I are accustomed to getting from friends & peers when we confess to our LTR pastime turned to admiration- like if we ran a Ryan Gosling fan site. And imagine how your movies would do in the BOX OFFICE if you were expected to do just as well as any of the other leading men in Hollywood- The Jake Gyllenhaals or the James Francos of the world- and you didn’t have the Zac Efron “bring home the bacon so the studio heads can buy another yacht” pressure over you. Imagine that!!! Then movies like Remember Me which did pretty decent, comparatively, wouldn’t be seen as a box-office flop. Fingers crossed for your movies releasing this year!

So while the media & general public staying in the dark about the majority of your fan being “grown ups” is okay by me- it’s more comfortable when they make fun of teenagers as opposed to fans just like myself- I realize that may selfishly be putting unfair pressure on you & your career. Maybe it’s time us adult, married, professional, normal, non-teenager fans need to shout it from the rooftops that we’re fans of yours- AND we know how to correctly pronounce your last name!

Proud to be a fan. Usually,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Would you be your Pattinson Pants that WE outnumber the 14 year olds? Why do you think the media ignores us? And SHOULD that bother us!?

Don’t forget that through tomorrow, the Bite Me Edward notepads are still 50% off! use the code BITEME50 at checkout! Stock up now!

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141 Commented


Roblosophy: An unhealthy obsession

RoblosophyDear Rob,

Today we’re gonna get serious. And I don’t mean that “Friday Serious” when I say we’re gonna get serious and then after the jump post pictures of you and TomStu swapping underwear & doing a gig with the rest of the Brit Pack. I mean like really serious.

Awhile ago we got this email from someone who mistakenly thought we had contact with you:

Subject: This concersns Rob. Please help m in distress

I am a 29 year married woman.

I have been a fan of Robert Pattinson from a very long time.I am in love with his mannerisms,his smile and his marvelous eyes. I love watcing his interviews. No I am not in love with the character of Edward that he potrayed in Twilight series. But I like to see him in his original self rather than in movies. I know this is weird because I havent met him so I do not really know him. But inspite of that for the last two years I am literally in love with him. Now this has reached a stage of TRAUMA for me.I am not able to eat or sleep even. I want to meet him badly..even if it is just for once in my entire lifetime. I know his life and mine are entirley different but I feel that i will feel better if I meet him just once. But I do not have any contacts to reach him nor do I stay in the USA..I stay in India. So I know that my chances of my wish being granted is nil.

I am losing out any interest to live. This may be aggravated by the fact that I am trapped and being tortured in a loveless married life. Now I have become sort of frustrated every moment I wish that talking to Robert will make me feel good. I just want to lead my life in a normal way,I also want to enjoy my life. But I am in so much pain that I am unable to do so.This feeling is killing me.

Sounds completely crazy I know..but thats how it is for me. Pls help. I will be really grateful if somebody helps me out of my terrible condition.

Please mail me back at my this e-address.

At first I hoped it was a hoax- a not-so-funny-but-nice-attempt joke by an LTR reader at faking us out to think they thought they were writing to Rob, but really they were writing to LTR. But… I’m afraid this one, like many who have come before it, feels too real.

The first thought running through my head after I read this was of horror and sadness. I immediately forwarded it to Moon, then teared up while telling Mr. Choice about it (Moon comes before Mr. Choice. Always) He immediately told me I had to write her to tell her we didn’t know Rob (which he says about every crazy email or email from 11 year old giving out full personal details of her life including street address, phone number, school & teacher) and I was torn- what if writing back to her made it worse? She thinks for 3 seconds while the email is opening that Rob is going to get in touch, only to find out it’s me, crushing her dreams? When did it become my responsibility to “police the internet” and respond to people who do something questionable or get the wrong impression (The ethical plight of a blogger- a conversation for another time. I have many times written back to the 10 year olds who give out personal information online, advising them against it. But if I wrote back to every kid thinking we were Twilight, that would be my full-time job.) But my ethical dilemma got me thinking about yours:

We got this e-mail because she thinks we have contact with YOU. She’s not feeling these things because of ME. It’s not my role or lack-there-of in her life that caused her this emotional melt-down. And if we’ve gotten a few letters of this type and we’re not even you, I can’t imagine how many more letters have been written just like this one with unrealistic expectations that you can’t or should’t have to meet. I can’t imagine that pressure.

Maybe you don’t even read your fan mail. (Probable) Maybe you can’t read anymore because of all the Heineken and processed food you’ve consumed (also Probable) Maybe a jealous girl in your life intercepts your mail & shreds it before you have a chance (Stage 5 Clinger?) or maybe there is some class celebrities take at celebrity school where they’re taught by a season psychologist on how to deal with the ethical dilemma of people having expectations that they should not, of having feelings you never asked them to and you not being able to, not wanting to or not needing to really do anything about it.

So why exploit a young girl’s troubles like this on the internet? Well, there’s nothing else to talk about- wait no- that’s not it. I’ve wanted to talk about this for awhile. Because people are passionate about you, Rob- in good ways & bad ways. I can argue about it with those who disagree, but a lot of the “passion” is unhealthy. Maybe not “I will commit suicide” unhealthy, but there are varying levels of unhealthiness in this fandom. Sometimes I want to shake people and remind them whey we liked Twilight/Rob/each other in the first place- because we had something in common. And LTR has always existed to make fun of things- so no one should be surprised when we do, but I digress.

So today I want to think about this letter writer and those like her (maybe someone reading this LTR today?) I want to think about how her “acute fondness” of you turned into unhealthy obsession and make sure I and those I love (all those reading, plus a few others who will read tomorrow but not those who will read Sunday because that’s too long to go without LTR) don’t pass the threshold of healthy Rob-lovin’ to unhealthy, possibly certifiably crazy obsession.

God I just got preachy. Sorry about that. Or just call me Sister UC. I kinda like it.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Soooooo… what do you think? What turns normal-Robsessing into not normal Robsession? Where do you think you fall on the line of Normal Obsession to possibly unhealthy? Too embarrassed to admit in the comments? Take this poll:

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170 Commented


Wait… why am i attracted to Rob again?

I can be a bad boy...

Dear Rob,

Let’s get physical serious. Last week I was chatting with lula34 about our male celebrity boyfriends. She showed me a recent video clip of her True Blood boyfriend Alex Skarsgard & then we passed out from love over the latest Chuck Bass/Gossip Girl promo with Too_Far_Gone.

Then we said “Remember at the end of Vampire Diaries when we watch the last romantic scene of the season involving Damon the vampire over and over and over” and we reminisced by watching “The kiss” you tube clip over and over and over again. And got excited for the return of THAT show. Yeah, it was a good day. NSFW day.

But Then it hit me. I love strong sexual characters. Chuck Bass & Damon Salvator? Hellooooo. And lula34 loves Alex the vampire (who is pretty sexy even though I’m not a True Blood watcher) and prays every night for dream sex with British hunk Jason Statham. Helloooooo.

So….why do we like you again? You’re not the dick that Chuck Bass is; you’re not an aggressive, cocky guy like Damon Salvator. You’re not overly sexual or full of yourself or anything like those other celebrities or characters we love so much. I posed the question to lula34:

UC: Wait… why am I attracted to Rob again? When normally I like much more sexual male characters?
Lula34: If I were to write fan fiction, it’d be about me, Jason [Statham], Alex [Skarsgard] & Ed [Westwick from Gossip Girl]. And a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
UC: Hahaha dear lord- I cannnottttt wait for GG. I need Ed in my life
Lula34: Yes. I also need Damon. And all the angst that will ensue on VD. But mostly Chuck Bass. He is a legend.
UC: I’d take both… If I had to!!! Why have I liked Rob all this time when I’m obviously attracted to much stronger sexual characters??? Edward!? Is that the ONLY reason!?
Lula34: That’s SUCH a tremendous question. This must be discussed, because a friend asked me this the other day–why I love the “bad boys” but still have a “thing” for Rob. I don’t know why- Ron is the utter opposite of chuck bass! Chuck makes me shiver. Yeah, I said it.
UC: Me too- let’s become actresses so we can become lovers to all these different men

What's good about THIS?

Now before you go boohooing into your pillow because you just found out we spend all this time talking about men other than you, don’t worry- we’re not saying “Let’s give up on Rob because he’s not filled with STDs like Chuck Bass” NO no no… we’re saying, how can we like BOTH Bad boy, sexual aggressors like Chuck Bass and also like YOU- shy, humble terribly sexy but refuses to admit the fact or play up the sexualness, Rob?

Is it because you played Edward? And sure, Edward is sexxxxxyyyyy- but…. he’s not like those other sexually aggressive guys we mentioned… so it’s probably not just that.

Is it because we’ve been brain-washed by GQ and Details & all the other sexy magazines where you’ve done photoshoots and we’ve lost DAYS of productive work as a result?

Or….. is it because we all THINK that under that humble, shy demeanor there is a sexual maniac waiting to escape!? That if we got you in a room and chained you to a wall you willingly were into us, the ‘front’ you put on for the media & the public would disappear and you’d bring out the sexy bad boy whose only mission in life is to get.it.on with ME!?

I think that might be it. Because, if I’m honest (and I’m always honest), if you are humble, shy and sensitive in every area of your life, including your private life, what in my fantasies sounds like this:

throwing me up against the wall, ripping off my clothes, touching places I didn’t know liked to be touched

might actually be more like this

lightly pushes me to the wall
Rob: Oh no! Did I hurt you? Did I push you too hard?
UC: No, no it’s fine, just kiss me
cute little nibbles & kisses down my cheek & neck
Rob: May I take off your shirt?”
UC: Uh, sure…
fumbling. confusion.
UC: You okay?
Rob: Can we turn on the lights a second? I want to see how this bra claps works- I haven’t felt anything like this before
later
UC: You’re so hottttt

I hate that I hurt you.....

Rob: blushing Really? You mean it? I thought I looked too much like my dad today…..
a long time later
Rob: Is this okay? Am I hurting you? Does this feel good
UC: yes.. shhhh
Rob: tell me if it starts to feel weird. Does this feel right? I think maybe this is better? How about here? Here?
UC: STOP IT IT’S FINE
Rob: bursts into tears I’m sorry. I wanted this to be perfect…….

And that’s not cool…….

So yes, it’s odd that I’m attracted to both you and Chuck Bass, Damon Salvator & other over-sexualized characters when you seem so different. But I have to think deep down, behind that humble, sensitive, charming British demeanor is a bad boy…. yearning to do real bad things to me….

Yours willingly,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Robsessed for killing me with those new outtakes

What do YOU think? Are you “into” celebs or characters that are quite “opposite” of who Rob appears to be? Why do you think you are? Is Rob’s humble demeanor just a public front- underneath he knows you want him and he’s happily going to oblige!?

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121 Commented


Roblosophy: Rob’s Fans – Does anyone love you, Rob?

Do they love me? Do they love me not?

Dear Rob,

On the heels of yet another misunderstood and supposedly mean spirited post (*cough* not at all *cough*) about your costar Nikki Reed and her new mystery tattoo I got to thinking about you. Why when we poke fun and rag on you till the cows come home does no one bat an eye? Why doesn’t anyone stick up for you when we tease you like grade schoolers?

We’ve called you some crazy stuff over the past year and a half, we’ve insinuated (and flat out said) you’re gay on numerous occasions. Then we said you’re asexual. We’ve said you watch porn in a basement with the bff you buy underwear with. We call your dad Dick (we love you Dick!). We keep up the charade that you smell like a junior high boys locker room. We knock your sexual prowess at every turn. And we’ve even posted comics about how your face looks like a foot. And yet no real backlash. No emails calling us hookers who hate men. No tweets about how we’re stupid hags who hate Rob but love Taylor Lautner. No comments about us being jealous of Rob or how we’ve stepped over the line.

I’ll wait while you make this your new desktop wallpaper

And yet we can say one off handed thing about Kristen, or even today we can make up totally FAKE tattoo ideas based on things fans have said about Nikki Reed and the crazies come out of the woodwork to tell us we’re awful people.

Why do you think that is Rob? Do people think you’re a big boy who can handle himself and the jokes we make about you? Do you not have committed enough fans like the Krisbians or even Nikki Reeds lovers (we need to make up a name for you ladies) to have your back for everything, no matter what. NO.MATTER.WHAT.

I can’t begin to believe that’s true. Your fans will do practically anything for you. They build shrines and human shaped Rob pillows with your face on them. If anyone is committed it’s YOUR fans. But why don’t they raise hell for you over the dumbest stuff? Like pretty much everything we say about you. Are your fans too busy making Rob porn or staring at their cardboard cutouts of Edward in the closet (where they belong!) to be bothered by it? Or are they just in on the joke and understand it’s all in the name of good fun? It is the internet after all. This is the place where gopher’s can be famous for throwing some side eye over their shoulder, or where there’s a site totally devoted to awkward family photos. It’s supposed to be ridiculous, right?

Or maybe you’ve proven yourself in public, in interviews,  and at events that you’re good natured and can poke fun at yourself, whereas some of the other people we joke about aren’t quite as comfortable with themselves in a public forum? I don’t really know but I want to know what all YOUR fans think out there. Why is there such a staunch backing and support for people like Kristen and Nikki and some others but when it comes to you it’s anything goes? Riddle me that, Rob. Or rather have your fans tell me.

But seriously, the foot thing? Still makes me laugh,
Themoonisdown

Tell me what you think. Why the outrage when we poke fun at someone else but when we diss Rob, no biggie? What should we call the staunch Nikki Reed supporters?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

213 Commented


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