Dear Rob,

Our friend Bethany (I hate when blog friends become RL friends because then I forget their blog name. Oh well) sent us a super important piece of journalistic work entitled:

Robert Pattinson Enables Kristen Stewart’s Potato Chip Habit

which claimed that you talked to the SUN newspaper and shared that you bring back the Space Raiders “crisp” for Kristen every time you return to the states from England.

Because there is absolutely nothing on God’s green earth to write about I am, too, a fan of chips, I had a few thoughts:

1. Why are you talking to the Sun. About chips? Did they mess up their “Source” again and actually mean that one deranged, crazed aunt who is no longer to come to family get-togethers? (The same aunt that leaked your baby pictures?)

2. No American girl, with all the delicious, greasy, baked/cooked/fried/whatever you want chips available at her fingertips (or at the local 711) would ever choose British “Crisps” over our fattening favorite. Trust me. I’ve had your “chips.” And they’re not good. Neither are your English Muffins. They don’t taste like the ones Thomas makes. And don’t get me started on the Hob Nobs. I forget who, but some amazing blogging friend sent us some. And they were gross. We may have pretended to like them at the time because it was so thoughtful of our friend, but we were lying. They tasted like elitist cardboard.

3. Have you & Kristen already hit that point in your relationship where you go away for a few weeks and all she can think of for you to bring her home is something you can pick up at Heathrow right before you board the plane?

4. Do these “Crisps” help when the munchies hit? You know the kind…

5. Whenever a tabloid newspaper approaches you or your aunt in the future, instead of providing some ludicrous story about chips, could you instead just pose like this:

The SUN Peeps: “Rob Rob ROB! Before you go, can you just tell us a little tale about what you’ve been up to lately.”

You: “No, but I’ll stand here and look so sexy you’ll drop your crisps all over the street.”

More posing and less talking about chips. Thanks, love

Xo,
UC

HELP A SISTER OUT (Literally)

SPEAKING of Chips, my sweet little sister who ALSO loves chips, but the normal American kind (I have 3 little sisters- this is the 2nd youngest), Rachael, is currently in Costa Rica working for a non profit called Abriendo Mentes. I’m not really sure what she’s doing but I know she goes to the beach daily, catches tarantulas in tupperware containers & occasionally teaches English to kids and then tweets & blogs & runs social media for the organization (I’m so proud!)

For the next week there is a GREAT online store called Fresh Words Market with really cool products & prints giving 50% of each sale directly to Abriendo Mentes. If you need a gift- for you or someone you love or maybe even hate- buy it from this store because #1 they have great stuff and #2 it will help a great cause & #3 my sister will be really happy with me. And I’m kinda afraid she’s gonna send me that tarantula through the mail if I don’t get her some sales.

Shop Fresh Words Market for a Great Cause!

Thanks to Robsessed for that hot as crap pic of Roberto

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Dear Rob,

We’ve finally come to terms with what you did and we’re ready to deal with it. Of course we’re referring to the fact you adopted a dog instead of a cat…………… Kidding we’re talking about your hair. DUH. I love dogs.

Let’s break it down!

Avert your eyes

The one about HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Moon: here’s the thing either somehow he got cursed in the last month or some of his dude friends cut it for him when they were drunk cause buzzed hair rob in dec 2009 (sad i know the date) was NOT BAD!! like it was cute! but this… oh this… it just looks WEIRD like how do you make him look bad? by doing THAT
Moon: its like when sam was buzzing it he decided to invent a new hairline too
UC: I have to admit i saw one picture.. Wait back up I heard about it cuz it was revealed where.. Golden Globes? i saw the tweets I heard the screams… etc. etc.
Moon: people’s choice awards
UC: and i was like “What is the big deal.. it’s hair.. i bet it’s fine…”  and so I didn’t look
Moon: i mean some people like it… i also dont think theyre telling the truth but ya know
UC: and then…. I looked AND IT WAS HORRIBLE I mean… HORRIBLE

See!!! The shaved head CAN look good

UC: you’re right. Buzz cut of 2009 (i remember the day I saw that- is that sad? Don’t answer that) was fine. drastic different sure we DID just have the greasy but sometimes delightful sex hair but it was fine THIS however is atrocious I don’t even care what anyone says
Moon: something is just wrong i cant put my finger on it. nor do i want to
UC: Like… it’s a military buzz cut right? one of our hot tub delivery guys just got one. he looks pretty smokin’
UC: Chattum tanning can give ME a military buzz cut he looks so dayum fine… but ROB? ROB looks ….

Why'd I do this to myself!? I don't know... wanna do it?

The one where I come up with the test
Moon: ok here’s the test
Moon: you’re at a bar. you’ve had ONE drink… ron comes up to chat with you (cause that happens) buys you ONE MORE drink… then wants to knock the boots. REMINDER he has that hair… Would you still DO HIM???
Moon: HONESTLY
UC: wait… it’s ROB?
UC: like ROB pattinson just with horrible hair? or does he just look like Rob (used to look) with bad hair is he wearing a hat? with a beanie? maybe even a dr. suess hat? I might do it if he had a dr. seuss hat
Moon: NO! rob with this hair. its ron night of peaples coice awards hair, same outfit. nothing can change.
UC: ew
UC: omg
UC: ummm
Moon: THIS GUY
Hey you, me… wanna go?
UC: how drunk am I?
Moon: two drinks. only one on ron’s tab
UC that’s not very drunk- i have a high tolerance so far in 2012
Moon: exactly
UC: omg… i mean.. he does not look good but it’s Rob ya know?
Moon: no he doesn’t. but the memories remain???
UC: i think…
UC: like he has elf ears
Moon: his ears make him look like one of those scotch fold cats
UC: I think…. as long as his breath doesn’t smell like stale beer, I’d probably be all in. I mean… he’d STILL have a british accent
Moon: true, he does.

It's sooo haaard to say goodbyeee to yesterdaaaay

Moon: and he’d still be rob from gq days
UC: and a small 93 beat-up BMW to whisk me away in… right.. i bet under the cover he IS that guy (actually i don’t bet that at all…. i’ve written about it many a time)
Moon: oh THAT TOO! how could i forget
Moon: if you suggested i bet he’s even spring for in n out on the way home
UC: i could make my animal style joke I’ve been saving for him…. (‘can we do it animal style”)
Moon: HA *rim shot*
UC: thank you…. i’ll be here all week
Moon: SEE even looking like that we would still do it. THIS IS WHY HE DOES THIS STUFF!!! he can get away with it he can get it in and look like a vagrant
Moon: so youre down with having sex with a scotch fold earred ron…
. 

See even this isn't that bad!

The one where we find out how easy I am
UC: what about YOU?
Moon: oh, i was in from drink one
UC: hahhaa
Moon: i mean at this point… come on!
UC: so you’re saying if he showed up to one of your NEW hot events you’re throwing at your NEW hot job….you’d be lik e”he- nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets get it on. just let me say bye to my boss?”
Moon: EXACTLY what id say
Moon: peace out suckers or even hey here’s an empty table we can do it under we dont even need to leave the event KLASSY. hahahahah
UC: employee of the year
Moon: yup
Moon: sparkling water still counts as water right?
UC: haha

Hey guys, anyone have a hot pocket?

Moon: this is what rob looks like now
Moon: the ears
UC: hahahahahahahahhaa
UC: Id DEF do Rob if he looked like that
UC: anddddd i just admitted to wanting to do a cat
UC: great
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH you’re into bestiality.
Moon: and scene

Ok Rob, so that’s how we feel about it… weeks later. But I’m sure you knew what we’d say. Since it has been a few weeks hopefully I’ll casually bump into you in the produce section of Von’s and your hairs will have grown out to a respectable length and we can them thump melons together. In bed. IfyouknowwhatImsayin. You do.

YAY! ROB! We’re back!
Themoonisdown

PS Now I MUST INSIST you make it over to LTT today because you will DIE. Simply die it’s that good.

Yes, the hair. What say you? I mean do you HONESTLY like it??

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Dear Rob,

Despite what you might believe from our lack of blogging, we’re not actually dead. We are extremely busy. So busy, in fact, we haven’t even had time to talk. I (UC) have been away. I haven’t even seen ONE picture of your new hairdo. Moon has a new job that is so awesome I wish I could share with you, but then the Krisbians would probably attack. Mr. Choice just told me “no body cares about Rob Pattinson.” But he’s wrong. Some people care.

And pretty soon some of those people will be Moon & myself. Just as soon as I catch up on sleep, detox from a week of drinking at work events and have a chance to talk to my dear friend, Moon.

Sorry, Rob. Truly

xoxo,

UC & Moon

PS: Remember this:

Dear Rob,

Last night I was feeling bad that you had to sit through crap like the people’s choice awards then I saw this…

Now, I hate you and I don’t feel bad at all!!!1!!!11!!!!

I’m also insanely jealous that I wished I’d sent my Golden Girls koozy with you to be signed (it’s a real thing). So uh, thanks for telling me you were about to realize one of my life long dreams when you got to sit next to and meet one of the two remaining Golden Girls in the world! Hrrrrmmmpphh. JEALOUS.

The only thing that would make me feel better is to know you spent every commercial break singing the theme song to her and then telling her how you loved the Miami jingle episode or the one where Rose was trying to say the light house or the one where Rose’s boyfriend turned out to be in the witness protection program. I also want to believe that she regaled you with stories about when she lived in St. Olaf but I can’t think about it any longer or I’ll get jealous again.

Oh and we’ll talk about that thing you’re calling a hair do later… in fact UC and I have scheduled a time especially devoted to talking about it. Get ready.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew… you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card atttached would say: “Thank you for being a friend”
Themoonisdown

Did anyone actually watch the People’s Choice Awards? I didn’t even know it was on till I started seeing tweets and FB updates. I’m pretty sure the above gifs were the best part of the night

Snagged from AwakeMySoul, RPattztilldeath

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Dear Rob,

There was a rumor floating around on Twitter yesterday that your buttcrack would be starring in Bel Ami, the film (as opposed to Bel Ami, the book, which would be equally as awesome) which prompted cheers of joy heard around the globe, a twitter melt down, your grandmother to go into shock and me throwing my fist in the air, pumping it Jersey-style yelling, “BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB” in my office.

Apparently some lucky fans in Belgium got to see Bel Ami & spilled the details via twitter. My favorite twitter response goes to the entertaining: @Mama_Cougar:

with Moon’s tweet as a close second:

And the news got me thinking about your buttcrack- what will it look like? How much will we get to see? What will the angle be? Will it be portrayed in way that will make me want to pull a quarter out of my wallet and try to insert it down your backside (Bel Ami is in 3D right?) Will it be attractive? Will it be (yuck) hairy? Did you shave the morning you knew what scene you would be shooting? Did you get little red bumps afterward? Will we see the red bumps on screen? Or Did you get your buttcrack waxed? Who made the appointment? Did you get a waxist recommendation from your mom? What was the reaction of the butt waxer when she saw whose ass she was about to de-hair? Was she shaking? Did she accidentally pull some leghairs off instead because she was so nervous? Did she try to convince you to get lazer hair removal on your ass? Can you even DO lazer on a buttcrack?

After pondering all that for a bit, I did a little “research” into “Rob Pattinsons’ Buttcrack” of days gone by. We have seen it before, you know:

There was Buttcrack Brazil  which was sadly overshadowed by Jumping Rob & all his adventures.

We’ve seen the TSA Buttcrack Adventure where even the major news media (aka TMZ) took interest

And who could forget the Buttcrack and Black Dots experience when you were filming New Moon in Italy?

We’ve even been lucky enough to get a Buttcrack on the Bearskin in the past

But as you can see- we’re due for a GOOD LONG LOOK a the real thing. None of this “just the tip [of the buttcrack]” None of this blurry screencap nonsense. Stop teasing us so! I want a big ol’ SHOT of the glorious thing. I want a camera ZOOM and a cinematography SWEEP. I want the composer to write an orchestral masterpiece for the moment when it’s revealed! [Now throw your fist up in the air and pump with me]

BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Are YOU exciting to see Rob’s buttcrack?

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