Dear Rob,

We didn’t plan it (and we hope you didn’t plan the photoshoot either) but once we saw the latest photos of you online, we just had to break them down vanity fair MINI style:

UC: So….. you know how the saying goes “put a vagina on Rob Pattinson’s stomach & it will look beautiful?”
Moon: Yeah I’ve heard that one a couple times
UC: yeah well they were wrong”
Moon: well looks like rob’s stomach vagina got a groupon for laser hair removal
UC: lucky. I’ve been waiting for a good deal

UC: Oh and just when you thought there was no reason to hang on to that pack of maxi pads your mom bought you the first time you got your period… turns out there is… How many “pads on heads” look alikes will we see at Rob’s next movie premiere you think?”
Moon: wtf is that third eye doing on that pad?
UC: That’s all You find strange about that picture?
Moon: This doesn’t help clarify what Cosmopolis is about for me….

Robby you already wore that shirt in France...

Moon: DUDE. that is HIS shirt. I mean we know all those clothes are borrowed, but they dry clean stuff… it can touch your skin rob, it’s OK. no cooties

Moon: OMG— is this woman pregnant? are the Robsteners ok?? Has a hit been put out on this woman yet?

UC: Yes I think I saw few hits tweeted. Kristen’s security has been notified about this slut. Probably also a fan of Jackson Rathbone’s.

Moon: how rob really is. every day:

Moon: how we all imagine rob:

UC: seriously that first picture IS Rob. In his actual motel room… he stays at the motel 6 for fun. even though he has a big house in LA.. he just rent out the motel 6 b/c he feels more comfortable
Moon: the bed bugs make him feel “normal” like one of the little people again. ps why are they watching VHS? this really is his rent-by-the-hour love shack
UC: that’s an extra charge at the motel 6. Makes him feel high-class
Moon: when he gets bored of kristen he meets this girl there. They do have a really great program though, you bring in your own vhs’s and trade for other travelers vhs’s.
UC: so unique!
Moon:so far he’s gotten to watch an original copy of The Land Before Time and Sex Lies and Video Tape (ON video tape)

"We'll leave the light on for Rob"

UC: he’s thinking of turning that into an online business
Moon: VHS-ster
UC: yep. VHS-flix. still working on the name
Moon: you know for when the whole acting thing is over- slash- his summer job… for extra spending money

Moon: LOOK AT US! Mini break down
UC: SO EASY!!! picked it up like we were doing this for years!

Love,
UC & Moon

What do you think of Rob’s Vagina-maxi-pad photoshoot? Would you like to have a threesome with 2 Robs? Yes that’s a rhetorical question. 

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Dear Rob,

You don’t mind taking the backseat today while we celebrate the very super duper important birthday of my most favorite co-blogger ever, right? Good. (Just think of today like any other Wednesday so far in 2012!)

Dear Moon,

In celebration of your birthday today, I thought long & hard (TWSS) about the things you love in life. And I came up with this very extensive list: Hello Kitty, Rob, Music, Your Niece. <– (super impressive, huh?) Armed with my list in hand, I asked the girls of The Flat to create some original creations surrounding your favorite things. This was the result:

Hello Rob

brilliant

Oh yeah, somehow Jackson snuck in here

We know how you like to Google things

Who doesn't like Mr. Darcy, Rob?

And of course if wouldn’t be from the girls of The Flat without a poem:

We’ like to say this clear and loud,
That you should feel so very proud,
This flat your very own creation,
Forged from your imagination,

You made a home you called Robs Flat,
Where we can meet to sit and chat,
Together we would like to say,
We wish you such a Happy Day!

Your birthday wish inside this ditty,
We hope is filled with Hello Kitty,
Champagne, and wine, and birthday cake,
And gifs of Ron and trouser snake,

Pics of puppies, favourite nieces,
and all the peeps you love to pieces,
And many more pics you can oogle,
Through an image search at Bing (!) or Google,

We wish you sunshine, luck and flowers,
Money, love and super powers,
Hugs and kisses, favourite food,
And funny jokes (both clean and rude.)

Belly laughs, Best Friends Forever,
Memories you’ll always treasure,
We wish you ALL of the above,
From all the Flat ladies, with love.

Happy Birthday to my dear friend & Twilight life partner Moon. May your day be filled with Hello kitty, babies, Rob, music & all the other things I forgot you like like Diet Coke & Taco Trucks. Love from everyone here at LTR (Rob too, I bet!)

Love,

UnintendedChoice

Thanks to the gals at The Flat for their help specifically: JodieO, GuitarGirl, AmynKansas, Alexandra & everyone else!! XOXO

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Don’t act so surprised. Yes this is the 2nd post this week! I had a great letter submission to post! XO. Also… there seem to be non-muteable ads playing right now. We’re on it. For now mute your computer. Will be fixed soon xx

Dear Rob,

We’re both grown up. I’ve been a grown up longer than you, but I digress. With that label comes something very familiar – stress.  Now I realize that your stress and my stress is very different. I’m sure you worry about things like a long drive-thru line at In & Out Burger, a certain someone’s love of for black bras under white shirts, and I know you were very worried about women here on LTR . Me? Well, I worry about things like how many calories I just ate in a whole bag of Terra Vegetable Chips, what the ‘check engine’ light means, how much wine I have at home and who’s going to be the new Bachelor next season.

That’s why I run. Stress relief. I’ve run 3 marathons and I’m training for my next race. I want you to run with me. Here are the reasons:

1.  I want to see your wonky legs in running shorts. Oh my.  Be warned – I may chase you. A nice sleeveless running shirt, running hat and shades? Yes please.  Proper running attire makes for a faster pace and longer endurance. I beg you – leave the fou-fou white vest and cream linen pants in the forest where it belongs.

Let's put a fineeee pair of short shorts on these crazy legs

2. I live near the most beautiful beach.  We could take an early morning run along the shoreline, then frolic (I’ve always wanted to frolic with you) in the surf. We can indulge in hot dogs and cheese fries from the beach shack restaurant. Since we just finished a run, there’s no guilt. I know sand will stick to our feet, so we’ll have to use the outdoor showers to rinse off. It would be a struggle, but I’d muddle through.

His breathing looks so labored.. Maybe a smoothie instead of fries?

3. I am very aware you smoke. I’ll admit I usually find photos of you and a fag quite  HAWT. (Wife beater? Cigarette? One of my favorite shots EVER.) But in all seriousness, you should stop smoking. Now. It’s really terrible for you but since I’m not your mom and I can’t make you–I’m sure Clare has tried to get you to stop at no avail–the least I can do is get the blood flowing though those lungs. Now I know there’s lots of very interesting ways this could be done, but a good 5-mile run is always a perfect way to start the endorphins. Who knows what would happen the rest of the day.  Breathe in…breathe out.

I've smoked in the freezing cold in Vancouver... you think I won't smoke during a marathon?

4. Dean looks like a great guy, but don’t you ever want to lose him for just a little while?  He doesn’t strike me as a runner.  You don’t need him on a run – *I* would hand you your water bottle. I bet I could do just as good of job as Dean.  He can stay home and whip us up some delicious recovery smoothies.

By "smoothies" she means grilled cheese. I make a mean grilled cheese

5. Bear would LOVE it. He looks like a dog who would love a good run.  He may even find a squirrel. He could scare away the paparazzi. (similar, but not the same as a squirrel).  We’ll teach him to growl and sneer at anyone with a lens cap.  This may be necessary since Dean isn’t with us.

How about I bring ALL these puppies?

Now that our run is done, I want to celebrate. How? I’ve got the perfect conclusion to our run —   I want to see the real Jumping Rob recreated in my pool. Bring on the black boxer briefs!!

Call me. My Asics are waiting, so lace up your shoes and let’s get started! I know you’ll feet better and less stressed. You’ll thank me later.

Love,
Brenn

Love it, Brenn! And this inspires me to inspire YOU all to write us more letters with these theme: Doing a HOBBY with ROBBY. Yep… it’s about time we had a new LTR theme around here. So what do you think? Got a HOBBY for you and ROBBY you can write to us about? Great- send it to letterstotwilight@gmail.com.

And just so you know, when I’m having a bad day or just need a new laugh, I always change my Facebook profile picture to this:

Click me to make me your wallpaper

from one of Moon’s Best LTRs ever!

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If you remember back in the glory days of LTR (ps I miss those days) we would occasionally teach Rob about holidays he wasn’t familiar with. Some of my favorites in the series were written by Zees84 like Rob gets Hebrew-schooled and The one where Zees explains Chanukah to Rob (and not just because I got ao photoshop a yamaka on Rob) Well last year MariaCecilia emailed us about Valpuris night but I responded too late. This year I remembered (cuz she reminded me) and so here without further ado is an explanation of a holiday made for Rob. Because all you do is drink:

Dear Rob,

No, Rob. You don't have to wear your yamaka. (Yes. I just wanted to post this picture again)

Today is April 30th– a holiday I’m sure you’re familiar with- Valpuris Night. And if you’re not, well, I’m here to tell you: This should really interest you, since the central theme of this fine holiday is to get drunk as early as possible in the day and then stay drunk through the next 24 hours. (It’s really supposed to be about greeting spring and scaring winter off with fires or something like that, but nobody remembers anymore.)

April 30 in my hometown is the only day of the year when there are people milling around the city center with an open beer in their hand and a plastic bag filled with the day’s stash of alcohol in their other hand from 10 in the morning. Mostly it’s students, but there are also quite a number of teenagers and middleaged people joining in. Do the police here have a different policy to public drinking than they do in the US or Britain, you may ask? No, but let’s face it, with the city centre swarming with tens of thousands of local and visiting drunks and a police force in the hundreds, you have to focus on the important parts, like arresting the violent ones, rescuing the unconscious, and carting the 13 to 17-year-olds you find drunk home to their (hopefully sober) parents.

So this is how you do it: The day begins at around 8am with a champagne breakfast at a friend’s house. Strawberries are traditional with the champagne, but don’t be surprised if you are served hot oatmeal too. Disgusting or not, that is also part of the tradition here. After all, if you’re going to stay on your feet all day, you will need the energy!

Yes. You're allowed to get drunk with your red-headed cousin again

After breakfast you move to the city centre, with your plastic bag and beer firmly in your hands, and battle the crowds for a front row place close to the river. At 10 o’clock the traditional student river race begins: carried by the spring flood, students from different student clubs compete on rafts they have constructed in the preceding week. The more fanciful, the better: imagine floats in a parade, but on the river. Naturally, quite a few of them collapse going down the rapids, but that’s all part of the fun and games. Hopefully the champagne hasn’t gone to your head, because you need to look out for enthusiastic people throwing eggs and firecrackers around: all in festive spirits of course. Please buy me a balloon on the way, ‘cause this is one of the few occasions when there are balloon salesmen walking around town. A silver heart or a unicorn would be nice, thank you!

Afterwards, it’s time to head out for your next date with friends: the traditional herring lunch. At another friend’s house, you are served pickled herring, boiled potatoes, hardboiled eggs, sour cream and chives, hard bread and cheddar cheese, and everything that goes with a herring lunch. With lots of schnapps and beer, of course! And for every schnapps you drink you learn a new song, since toasts are done with singing in this country. (You won’t know a single song, so I suggest you just move your lips and shout “Skål!” at the end of it. I do that all the time. )

Sure Drunk Rob. You can show up looking like Johnny Depp

Reeling slightly, you need to get a move on again around 2.30, to be able to make it to the traditional donning of student caps outside the University library downtown. The traffic has been redirected since the hill outside the library is now packed with thousands of people, waiting for the Rector Magnificus of the University to step out onto the balcony with his prominent guests, and at exactly 3 o’clock put his student cap on his head. (You can borrow mine, and no one will think it strange if it doesn’t fit. After all, there are people in their seventies here, sporting student caps yellow with age, and your head probably grew bigger after graduation, right?)

The action on the balcony is a sign for everyone else to wave their caps, shout Hurrah and put them on. Tradition now requires you to turn around and run all the way down the Castle hill, but since we are thousands packed tightly together we will hopefully manage to move at a dignified pace, milling down together towards the city centre, without having anyone throw up on us or get trampled to death. This is probably the point where I lose my balloon.

Now we head to one of the student clubs, where there will be music, dancing and champagne at 3.15. Unfortunately, some people think that the champagne should be sprayed around instead of served in plastic mugs, so there is a chance you will get more soaked than before, unless you brought a raincoat. When you have got your fill, and unless you need to go home and change, we are then heading out to one of the major parks in town, where you will find your friends on a blanket with more beer and a disposable grill. The rest of the afternoon until early evening will be spent drinking and eating sausages with potato salad and drunk people watching.

Yeah... we pretty much assumed you'd be bringing Tom and reenacting THIS picture..

If you’re lucky, you have a ticket to one of the student balls this evening, the most prestigious one takes place in the Castle itself and is hosted by the University choir, but there are plenty of student clubs, so I’m sure we’ll get you in somewhere. Since I would love to see you in tails, I vote for the Castle, where there will be a three-course meal and dancing to a live band afterwards, if you are still able to stand up. Keep some cash on hand for the bar!

If we don’t get in, however, we can at least go see one of the Valpurgis fires that are lit around 8 o’clock on different spots on the outskirts of town, usually with someone making speeches hailing spring and choirs singing, fireworks and more firecrackers. Then we rush back to the Castle to catch the traditional concert outside the Castle by the University choir, singing songs to spring, after the tolling of the University bell outside the Castle at 9 o’clock. By now you may have run out of beer, and we need to buy some more off some disreputable character out of the trunk of his car, or tag along with friends who still got some.

We will spend the rest of the night going from party to party, or just hanging around downtown trying to get in somewhere, acting like the crazy belligerent drunks we are. We will probably fall asleep in the grass of a public park among the trash of the day, and wake up at 7, wet and cold from the dew, to stagger home through a town where the clean-up crews are working hard to prepare the town for the more sober 1st of May celebration with demonstrations and political speeches. Hopefully none of us will get mugged, beat up or raped, if we keep away from the darkest part of the parks after midnight, where the police and charity organizations try to keep an eye out for helpless drunks in danger.

And then we spend the 1st of May nursing our hangovers, which is also traditional, and something I’m sure you feel familiar with. Let’s have our Spring fling and share my Valpurgis party with me, Rob!

Love MariaCecilia

Think we’ll get anything GOOD out of Rob being in Vancouver for reshoots?  Maybe he’ll hang out by that church again? You know the one!

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Been awhile? Pause the ads. They stop. PROMISE

Dear Rob,

I saw some pictures of you on a surf board accompanied by an oar. I did think it was just a little odd that there was not another single soul in sight; but hey maybe you bought an island or something. And since I’m still in utter denial over this “Robsten thing” I’ve had to resort to “back in the day” Rob stuff.

"I'm mumbling in my roommm"

My ONLY girlfriend in real life who (sort of understands my twisted obsession with you) asked me an interesting question. What music would be playing if you and I were hanging out? I figured I would answer the obvious (but did it oh so non-nonchalantly of course) “Pffft, Heavy Blues, DUH” And I looked at her all “you’re so not in my Rob Circle” way.

Then today I was listening to you on the Twilight soundtrack.. (yes it’s a daily thing don’t judge) And Rob, this is some crazy shit right here…but I recognized that I was singing along and actually saying the right words. As you well know Rob, this can only be accomplished by the truly Robsessed. Which leaves me to a bit of constructive cristsm.. I honestly can’t remember what my first reaction was when I heard you sing for the first time Rob. However the fact that I could only understand 1 out of every 5 words rings in my mind crystal clear. [UC NOTE: Yep. We call that "the Mumbles"

I WANTED to understand. So, like everyone else, I stopped and re-winded and stopped and re-winded my CD player and listened with the volume turned all the way up... then stopped and re-winded. BUT.. fast-forward to present day and I'm all kinds of pissed off when my non-twihard friends (that would be everyone except the ONE I mentioned earlier) can't understand you singing. What can I say? I'm seasoned I guess.

"I'm mumbling on the rooffff"

Anyhoo, it took me a few months before I even knew you were the voice behind “Let Me SIgn” Now don’t get offended here Rob. That song is a monster to understand and it’s only 2 minutes long! Why is it that you mumble 5,6,10 words in a row and then sing one that is understood? My God Rob, Is it possible that there is a person in the fandom that DOESN’T KNOW??
Well never fear Rob, because I’ve come to a perfectly acceptable conclusion. I’ve decided that since you are playing whatever instrument that goes along with the song (in this case acoustic guitar) you’re so passionate that the words just flow like that. Simple isn’t it? And really who cares because you know we’re all going to listen to it until we understand every word (or at least google it and read along..And yes, we’ve ALL done that too.) Nobody has been able to catch every song with virgin ears.. NOBODY.

Is there a point? Of course.. and although it’s been overkilled by my ranting, I want to change my answer to: I would be listening to whatever your playing on the guitar and listening to your unrecognizable words. Because the truth is, I really don’t care, I like it all. awwwww… I know you’re blushing right now.

BUT…just in case you ever decide to polish up on your musical talent.

Here are the lyrics to Let Me SIgn:

She was standing there by the broken tree
Her hands were all twisted she was pointing at me
I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky
She said ‘Come on over to the bitter shade,
I will wrap you in my arms and you’ll know you’ve been saved’
Let me sign, let me sign

I found the link on you tube for a little memory refresher..

Okay and Rob, here’s what I hear:

By, Broken tree, hands are all twisted,
She’s pointin at me. I”ll stand by light comin
All I see spoken a voicen struct to the sky.
She said roll oh over yeah ta pillow shade.
I will wrap you in my on and on..
let me sign..
let me sign..

YEP!!

I bet if everyone at LTR listened to this song and read my lyrics you would all be like.. DA-FUK?? It’s spot on.

That’s all Rob… Didn’t want you to think I forgot about you over here.

Love,
Elle

After the Jumping Rob.. we have something special and NSFW

 I made Moon this for her upcoming birthday (no I didn’t):

And then Brookelockart & I had to break it down

Brookelockart: is she holding is wiener in this?
UC: yes. or a baby bottle. which is what she made his wiener look like
Brookelockart: She really needs to make up her mind, “i want to ride Rob, this way, and that way, oh and that way, and this way and oh, oh, oh, oh THAT WAY” “oh and then it to be secretly filmed so I can grin at the camera”
UC: omg it’s so gross! like.. a stick figure is grossing me out! (I need to watch Vampire Dairies again to get un grossed out. OMG PAUSE FOR A MOMENT TO FANGIRL WITH ME ABOUT THAT!) and WHY does his wee wee look like a baby bottle? Why does it have STRIPES?
Brookelockart: why must people violate him? it’s a cartoon rape fantasy!!!
UC: Ohhh you just got deep. and if you’re gonna violate him in a cartoon rape fantasy, can’t you fantasize a … less blue penis?
Brookelockart: Or make it GIGANTIC and less chode-like?
UC: she fantasized herself pretty damn flexible though. that’s nice
Brookelockart: and she serviced him. that was nice too
UC: also… is she wearing red socks? to match her red hair? and maybe a red garter?
Brookelockart: or a fire crotch.
UC: Ah… makes sense. so following that logic, those red socks mean she has red hairy feet… this really IS a fantasy then, huh? Rob would NEVER let a stick figure with red hairy feet service him
Brookelockart: But a stick figure without red hairy feet?
UC: Sure! Who wouldn’t?

Admit it. You’ve missed offensive things on LTR. Ps: WHO MADE THIS????

Love, UC (and Brookie and Moonie who sent that to us)

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