We’re back and we break down the (hairless) elephant in the room

Dear Rob,

We’ve finally come to terms with what you did and we’re ready to deal with it. Of course we’re referring to the fact you adopted a dog instead of a cat…………… Kidding we’re talking about your hair. DUH. I love dogs.

Let’s break it down!

Avert your eyes

here’s the thing either somehow he got cursed in the last month or some of his dude friends cut it for him when they were drunk cause buzzed hair rob in dec 2009 (sad i know the date) was NOT BAD!! like it was cute! but this… oh this… it just looks WEIRD like how do you make him look bad? by doing THAT
Moon: its like when sam was buzzing it he decided to invent a new hairline too
UC: I have to admit i saw one picture.. Wait back up I heard about it cuz it was revealed where.. Golden Globes? i saw the tweets I heard the screams… etc. etc.
Moon: people’s choice awards
UC: and i was like “What is the big deal.. it’s hair.. i bet it’s fine…”  and so I didn’t look
Moon: i mean some people like it… i also dont think theyre telling the truth but ya know
UC: and then…. I looked AND IT WAS HORRIBLE I mean… HORRIBLE

UC: you’re right. Buzz cut of 2009 (i remember the day I saw that- is that sad? Don’t answer that) was fine. drastic different sure we DID just have the greasy but sometimes delightful sex hair but it was fine THIS however is atrocious I don’t even care what anyone says
Moon: something is just wrong i cant put my finger on it. nor do i want to
UC: Like… it’s a military buzz cut right? one of our hot tub delivery guys just got one. he looks pretty smokin’
UC: Chattum tanning can give ME a military buzz cut he looks so dayum fine… but ROB? ROB looks ….


Why’d I do this to myself!? I don’t know… wanna do it?

The one where I come up with the test
Moon: ok here’s the test
Moon: you’re at a bar. you’ve had ONE drink… ron comes up to chat with you (cause that happens) buys you ONE MORE drink… then wants to knock the boots. REMINDER he has that hair… Would you still DO HIM???
UC: wait… it’s ROB?
UC: like ROB pattinson just with horrible hair? or does he just look like Rob (used to look) with bad hair is he wearing a hat? with a beanie? maybe even a dr. suess hat? I might do it if he had a dr. seuss hat
Moon: NO! rob with this hair. its ron night of peaples coice awards hair, same outfit. nothing can change.
UC: ew
UC: omg
UC: ummm
Hey you, me… wanna go?
UC: how drunk am I?
Moon: two drinks. only one on ron’s tab
UC that’s not very drunk- i have a high tolerance so far in 2012
Moon: exactly
UC: omg… i mean.. he does not look good but it’s Rob ya know?
Moon: no he doesn’t. but the memories remain???
UC: i think…
UC: like he has elf ears
Moon: his ears make him look like one of those scotch fold cats
UC: I think…. as long as his breath doesn’t smell like stale beer, I’d probably be all in. I mean… he’d STILL have a british accent
Moon: true, he does.

It’s sooo haaard to say goodbyeee to yesterdaaaay

Moon: and he’d still be rob from gq days
UC: and a small 93 beat-up BMW to whisk me away in… right.. i bet under the cover he IS that guy (actually i don’t bet that at all…. i’ve written about it many a time)
Moon: oh THAT TOO! how could i forget
Moon: if you suggested i bet he’s even spring for in n out on the way home
UC: i could make my animal style joke I’ve been saving for him…. (‘can we do it animal style”)
Moon: HA *rim shot*
UC: thank you…. i’ll be here all week
Moon: SEE even looking like that we would still do it. THIS IS WHY HE DOES THIS STUFF!!! he can get away with it he can get it in and look like a vagrant
Moon: so youre down with having sex with a scotch fold earred ron…

See even this isn’t that bad!

The one where we find out how easy I am
UC: what about YOU?
Moon: oh, i was in from drink one
UC: hahhaa
Moon: i mean at this point… come on!
UC: so you’re saying if he showed up to one of your NEW hot events you’re throwing at your NEW hot job….you’d be lik e”he- nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets get it on. just let me say bye to my boss?”
Moon: EXACTLY what id say
Moon: peace out suckers or even hey here’s an empty table we can do it under we dont even need to leave the event KLASSY. hahahahah
UC: employee of the year
Moon: yup
Moon: sparkling water still counts as water right?
UC: haha

Hey guys, anyone have a hot pocket?

Moon: this is what rob looks like now
Moon: the ears
UC: hahahahahahahahhaa
UC: Id DEF do Rob if he looked like that
UC: anddddd i just admitted to wanting to do a cat
UC: great
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH you’re into bestiality.
Moon: and scene

Ok Rob, so that’s how we feel about it… weeks later. But I’m sure you knew what we’d say. Since it has been a few weeks hopefully I’ll casually bump into you in the produce section of Von’s and your hairs will have grown out to a respectable length and we can them thump melons together. In bed. IfyouknowwhatImsayin. You do.

YAY! ROB! We’re back!

PS Now I MUST INSIST you make it over to LTT today because you will DIE. Simply die it’s that good.

Yes, the hair. What say you? I mean do you HONESTLY like it??

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44 Commented

New Year’s Rob-solutions for 2012!

New Year, new calendar of old pictures!

Dear Rob,

We’ve made it another year, it’s 2012! So of course that means it’s time to see how we did on 2011’s resolutions to see whether the people who wanted us to fail won or if WE won (spoiler: we didn’t!). Let’s take a look back shall we?

1. We want to meet Rob

Verdict – FAIL! Thanks for Mike Welch. I think we all remember me being Rob blocked on the Red Carpet at this years Breaking Dawn Premiere… will I ever live down the infamous “ROB!!! ROOOOBBB!!! ROOOOOBBBBB!!” as Mike Welche stands two inches from me being interviewed. OH WELL!
UC/Moon: 0
People who want us to fail: 1
Mike Welch: 1

2. We resolve for Rob to mention us or something we’ve said in an interview like he did with Leno and emails from his dad! We need a fuckyearyangosling moment! (Ryan Gosling read some “FuckYeahRyanGoslings” in an MTV interview! Be still my heart!) Or someone needs to show him Rob Porn during an interview. And not the kind where his face is superimposed over a porn star’s naked body! He needs to read a caption over his picture about alphabetizing romance novels. Or asking for directions.
Verdict – FAIL! Well, since we didn’t get to meet or ask one measly question on the red carpet this didn’t happen… BUT if by Rob signing our pal’s RON poster at the premiere counts as an inside joke or ours then YES! There’s always this year!
UC/Moon: 0
People who want us to fail: 2
Mike Welch: 1

We're your biggest fans!!! Not you Rob... Norm's.

3. We resolve for Moon & Amber from Rob My world to start their own Norman’s Rare Guitar’s street team. It’s basically started- one day, not so long ago on my PERSONAL Facebook, I noticed both Moon AND Amber had “Liked” the Norman’s Rare Guitar’s page. Of course it wasn’t random. It was on the day Rob was seen buying a new guitar. And of course within 10 minutes there were 20 people commenting who know exactly why they liked that obscure California shop!
Verdict – Half fail, because while there was no street team Amber and I did “share” and comment to each other on all Norm’s Rare Guitars Facebook posts. So essentially we’re Norm’s most active users so because of that this is a win!
UC/Moon: 1
People who want us to fail: 2
Mike Welch: 1

Nope, still pretty hot

4. Try not to be turned on by the sight of Rob near a huge smelly pile of elephant crap during the water for elephants premiere!
Verdict – Total fail. I don’t know about UC but pretty much any time Rob was on screen during Water for Elephants I thought he was hot… well minus the cross dressing/clown look in that one scene
UC/Moon: 1
People who want us to fail: 3
Mike Welch: 1

5. To be less annoyed at Rob’s disappearance from my life- or maybe just for him to show up.. ANYWHERE! To go for lunch and undies shopping with TomStu again!!! Maybe buy a hot pocket in public! Get lost near a church, Break up with KStew or admit he actually has a cardboard tent in his living room. He could try a new girlfriend out for awhile. Maybe check himself into rehab. ANYTHING! Literally ANYTHING. We’ll take it! Maybe be seen out in public with MULTIPLE different women. Be a player for a few days! How about he sleeps with me a fan? Take advantage of me the plethora of attractive girls into him! He would get major me HOT tail (or at least me attractive game on week nights!) And he wouldn’t even have to buy them gifts! Or remember their names! No one expects that at all. They just expect to steal a dirty sock and leave. Or maybe twitpic his O-face. Or audio-record his moans. Or snores. Or the sound his teeth make while chewing on a hot pocket while in bed……(I haven’t put much thought into that. At all)

Verdict – I’m going to count this one as a win. There were times we were definitely annoyed that he disappeared but I think after three years we’ve figured out Rob likes to pull disappearing acts so we’re not terribly surprised when he up and leaves us for WEEKS on end. Thanks Rob… but I guess he should also know by now that those are the times when we get to make up the craziest stuff about him. So take your pick friend.
UC/Moon: 2
People who want us to fail: 3
Mike Welch: 1

Final count on 2011’s Robsolutions? UC/Moon: 2, People who want us to fail: 3 and Mike Welch: 1. So suck it Mike Welch we beat you by ONE in our OWN Rob-solutions. But you still won where it counted… on the black carpet! AHHH!!!!
So since we’re all about failing let’s make some NEW Rob-solutions for 2012 and see if we can beat that blasted Mike Welch at his own game. Who can we cock block on the red carpet?! KIDDING.

2012 New Year’s Rob-solutions 

1. Since we’re also glutton’s for punishment we’re going to try to talk to Rob again on the red carpet and Mike Welch be damned. If it involves stilts and a megaphone we’ll do whatever it takes. So if you’re going to be at BD2 premiere bring your ear plugs and riot gear cause “ROB!!! ROOOOBBB!!!” Part 2 will be in full effect.

Yup, we'll be seeing this... first (or like 1000th) in line!

2. We are resolving to see all of Rob’s movies in a timely fashion this year, like in the first week they release. So yes, Bel Ami even after our apathy with you, we will be there with corsets and bells on. Cause we love Rob… even when he looks all sweaty and syphilis-y.

3.  Ok, since we know Rob signed the Ron poster and we’re hoping he just doesn’t need new glasses we resolve that we want someone in Rob’s family or a cast member/work friend to call him Ron in some sort of public arena. If our iPhone autocorrect turns Rob into Ron then theirs must too!

4. We’re going to perfect our eye sex game so we can creep out Sam Bradley more than he creeps out us with his special brand of eye sex at an upcoming concert. *shudder*

5. With a straight face, cover one of Rob’s songs at Karaoke night. If one of his is not available, and let’s face it they probably won’t be at 98% of karaoke places, we must cover a song that is special to Rob/Robsten (ie Sex on Fire, Breath Me, anything by Van Morrison)  and dedicate it to him on the mic.

Rob, what are your thoughts on world peace? Stephanie, stop laughing!

6. Attempt to get an interview with Robert Pattinson at an upcoming press junket for one of these movies we don’t think the entire foreign press league and Mario Lopez will be at. If we get it then proceed to have violent nausea for 4 days prior to the event because we don’t know what we’ve gotten ourselves into. IF the interview happens to be in London we will also do a Rob tour of the city, see all the sights, stalk his parents and give them flowers and a card and ask if he made good on that promise to get them a new boiler for Christmas. We’ll take a video camera along of course. We’ll also leave our shame at the airport.

7. Only say nice things about you Ron in 2012………….. JUST KIDDING! Never going to happen, I’m pretty sure I already blew that in this post anyway. We love you too much to slobber all over you 24/7 anyway.

So as you can see we’re going to fail a lot this year but some of this WILL happen in 2012… what will they be? Only time and twelve months will tell. Here’s hoping we get to see the Patinson’s new boiler first hand.


Moon & UC

Any Rob-solutions we should add to the list? Besides really wanting him to do a new photo shoot?
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11 Commented

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