Robert Pattinson goes to College?

(Rob, I’m gone for the next 2 weeks and while I know you’re crying into your In N Out it’ll be ok! I’ve got all your favorite pals to write you letters while I’m away! Today Lindelle tells us why you should have gone to college! xo, moon)

Dear Rob,

You lead a pretty charmed life. You probably make more money in a month of filming than I’ll make in my lifetime. And I’ll bet you always get to the front of the line at Olive Garden with Taylor, instead of having to wait 2 hours like us mere mortals. But I’m not jealous … well, not too jealous anyways. You know why? One word: College.

Rob, in your quest for an acting career, you skipped over some of the best times of your life! Now I know lots of people don’t go to college, but here in the states it’s pretty common, and those 4 years are made for people with your interests: Beer, music, studying beer, bars, reading pretentious books, late nights, beer, concerts, movies, bar tours, vodka, friends, microwaves, and you guessed it – more beer. Lots of actors decide to go back for some higher education after awhile (the lovely Emma Watson comes to mind), so I thought I’d let you know from my own college experience why you too should get schooled, Rob.

  • Wouldn’t you like a taste of anonymity for once? My alma mater has about 45,000 students at its main campus. That’s 45,000 people all wearing old band t-shirts, holey jeans, sweatshirts with the hood up, and sunglasses, while walking down a sidewalk so crowded it’s like spawning salmon returning to their native waters. No one would even look twice at you! I’ll take it one step farther: Throw on a North Face jacket and a black backpack, and you will be virtually invisible in the crowd. (Except to an LTR girl. But don’t worry, they’re super.) You can walk to class texting TomStu on the jitterbug with no fear of paparazzi. And even if one shows up, just yell out “He works for [insert hated rival school name here]!!” and – voila! – an instant stampede of rabid, 7 foot jocks will take.him.down.

  • Speaking of jocks, you watch sports, right? Even if you can’t throw a basketball to save your life? (Yeah, I don’t believe you that you’re dominating there, RobArt! Nice try.) Well, I personally don’t feel that you’ve lived until you’ve been to a state school football game. Do you have tailgating over there in Barnes? You want a recipe for a good time? Take 100,000+ people drinking heavily, barbecuing, and drinking heavily while barbecuing, then cram them into a stadium together. Dean and Dick would love it! Look at this and tell me this isn’t something you want to be a part of:

  • Everyone will excuse you for showering as little as possible, because dorm bathrooms are GROSS. When Clare complains that she can smell you from a kilometer away (she still hasn’t renounced the metric system despite all her time in the U.S. – be strong Clare!) just tell her that they’re 10 times worse than Tyler’s nasty-ass bathroom in Remember Me. She’ll understand. That’s what Febreze is for.
  • Two words: dorm microwaves. What could be better than knowing wherever you go in your room, the Hot Pocket cooker is only a max 10 feet away? Heaven!
  • Homework avoidance would be easy for you. Just give any assigned group project members your classic “eff me eyes” and they’ll be falling all over themselves to do your work for you … guys included. Then you’re free to play Frogger on your graphing calculator all through the lecture, while they painstakingly write in British slang using their downloaded Robert Pattinson font.

  • But I’m saving the best for last. After all your studying/exams/papers/finals/part-time jobs/lab reports TomStu texting, you’ll need a break. And you won’t be lacking for break activity in college. There are dive bars around every corner. You can even warble “I’ll Be Your Lover Too” at karaoke night if you’d like! Or relax at the hookah lounge with the Britpack. But leave the Heineken behind, ’cause here you’ll be drinking Natty Light like the rest of the poor folks (blech!)

So Rob, I hope I’ve made my case. Bring it on over to a giant state university and have the time of your life! I can even give you a private tour of my old dorm/an empty classroom/the cafeteria dumpster campus.

Go State!
Lindelle

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