Rob “Britain’s Shame” Pattinson goes out with a non-male friend

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Dear Rob,

Yesterday you were caught with someone who wasn’t a man friend. And we KNOW that’s against the rules. You were called “Britain’s Shame” by Oh No they Didn’t. Are you THAT bored with your one non-man friend out of the country that you’d risk being branded as a cheating man-whore? WHY was there not more than 12” of space between you and that semi-attractive home-wrecker? Isn’t that rule #72? And doesn’t rule #8 stipulate that if you HAVE to go out- and something tells me this enthusiastic guy was the reason you left the house cause who can say no to THAT face- then the girl must NOT be hotter than a 2.5. And she’s DEFINITELY a 6. Possibly a 7.

Have you heard what they are saying about you online? In the comments on Pop Sugar ALONE there were things like this:

Ashaa said:

SHAME PATTINSON, POOR KSTEW

and Oni2 chimed in:

once a cheater always a cheater, and Kris just said she could never be with anyone that cheats on her. This is going to be very bad..

user 1278698 said

false, hypocritical, untalented actor, miserable traitor, disloyal friend, liar, deceiver ………………… disgusting!

and then ashaa chimed in again:

MICHAEL ANGARANO IS MUCH BETTER FOR KRISTEN, THEY SHOULD GO BACK

Are you going to take that? I’ve already set up a username for you User: 1345679 (password: SHAMED) for your rebuttals. And next time you’re approached by an enthusiastic guy, tempting you to join him and, not one but TWO non-male friends, here are some things you can do instead:

  • Vacuum the bear-skin rug. I KNOW there are some sort of fast-food crumbs matted into the hair
  • Knot all Kristen’s Tshirts so she has one less step to do in the morning
  • Compose new love songs to play after your next skype sex session
  • Continue teaching Bear to say “I love you”
  • Start to teach jella to say Kristen- or to use the toilet. Train her to stay OFF of the Bear-Skin Rug 
  • Put together your beer tree
  • Finish your unpublished love sonnets for Kristen- call Stephenie Meyer for some advice on getting published.
  • Go to the Target Photo center with Bear & Jella to get pictures together as a surprise for Kristen. Bonus- use them as Christmas cards & send them to your parents, TomStu & Nick & Stephanie.
  •  Go to all the Twilight fansites and thumbsdown anything that may be even slightly offensive towards KStew (You have that username I set up for you!)
  • Put on a play with the dino nuggets for your secret youtube account
  • Distress your new $80 plaid shirts so they look like they came from a thrift store
The options are endless! And I know you have the Hot Pocket Fort still tucked away for a rainy day. Consider ANY DAY when the only option is “Hang out with non-male” a rainy day, ok? We wouldn’t want anyone to think you have a life, other friends, actually do fun things think there’s trouble in paradise, or anything.
Love,
UnintendedChoice (with lots of help from Moon & Gooseberry)

Disclaimer (Do I have to ???): I don’t think Rob is a homewrecker or a shameful person. And I don’t think that girl is a slut or a 6. She’s probably an 8. I DO think that Rob makes his Dino Nuggets talk.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHY WAS ROB WITH ANOTHER GIRL? HOW COULD HE? OH MY GOSH. WHAT REASON WOULD HE EVER HAVE TO BE WITH ANYONE WHILE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY? I MEAN, HE COULDN’T BE WORKING, RIGHT? OR, HE COULDN’T HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN KRISTEN OR THE BRIT PACK, RIGHT? AND HE COULDN’T JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY FROM THE CAT AND THE DOG FOR SOME BREWS, RIGHT?

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79 Commented


Hi this is reality, have we met?

It's official I swear!

It's official I swear!

Dear Rob Fans-

http://www.myspace.com/robertpattinsonofficial

This is fake.

DUH.

I mean have you all learned nothing from THE great Facebook debacle of ’08 or from the poor girls over at The Fan Project (protecting the world from fake Robert Pattinsons)? Learn from the ones who have gone before you and got fooled by fake Rob’s and figured out that gulliable really IS in the dictionary… if not I’ve put together this handy little check list that shows you the things that should have tipped you off as to the realness of this myspace…

1. The HUGE “Official Myspace” banner at the top. Cause he had the time or chops to make that? Enjoy the font though, looks familiar. :D

2. His location is listed as: Beverly Hills, CA. No he does not live in the 90210, I’m sure the 12 yr old who made this thinks that all movie stars live in “glamorous” Beverly Hills. They do not.

3. He has a music player with HIS two songs from the Twilight soundtrack.

4. He has a Giydget and and Eventful for crying out loud… why in the world would the real Rob care what city you want to see him in or to post random Twilight videos and ringtones? If I didn’t know better I’d say ‘Rob’ worked in social media marketing on the side.

5. He “blogs” about that fan contest and then gives out an address to send him fan letters. Attention whore!

7. His profile pic is an official image! DUH!

8. The kicker and the ‘should have known better’ he includes WALLPAPERS and AIM icons of himself

9. His top friends include people like: Selena Gomez and Amanda Bynes and Zac Efron. He is a 22 yr old man not a 10 yr old girl who watches Wizards of Waverly Place

Seriously people. He will never have any sort of social networking site and if he does you will not find it.

Now read a book or something, geez.

Your older, wiser “sister”/fan
Me

11 Commented


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