Rob out in West Hollywood: The Untold story

Dear Rob,

You, your bushy beard, uni-brown & friends were caught in West Hollywood the other day. This is the untold story:

Robert Pattinson, sad because they were out of wings at Jimmy Fallon’s Emmy after-party, wanted to leave. Or that’s what he told his entourage. And they bought it. Because, well, it’s pretty believable. But in reality he was bummed out because that hunk from The Good Wife didn’t recongize him & he thought he was pretty famous these days. He thought he was Ted Danson’s teenage son. And Rob was also a little bit perturbed because after returning from the bar, Sam Bradley did a double take, circled him & checked out his ass.

So he just decided to leave, with or without the entourage. Leaving in a pack would just make that guy from “The Good Wife” even more convinced he could score an autograph from his dad for his Cheers beer mug. All the while, the security guard is thinking:

Damn- I knew this vampire kid was popular, but this is ridiculous, I just dodged some granny panties, glitter, a vodka shirt, some deoderant and someone’s prostetic leg. This is bananas…… wait did I just hear some yell “sparklepeen?” What in the Sam Hill’s a “sparklepeen?”

Rob makes his way out onto the streets of West Hollywood, where no one mistakes him for the son of Ted:

Rob: You… YOU!!! someones got a hold of my arm… here let me use your hand mr security gaurd.better… YOU…. hey…i like that holey shirt you’re wearing, can i have that? no? ok, do you have a cigarette then? No…?

Meanwhile Stephenie Ritz can be heard saying:

Ouch. ouch. ouch. Oh god there’s antoher one. Hold my hand, Rob!

The gang needs to get out of there. And quick. They start to pick up the pace when suddenly something stops them in their tracks:

Rob: Booooooooobs!
Stephenie: Wow… they are nice….. forget bitchface. This is my boobface.

But the distraction only lasts for so long…. pretty soon they are attacked by pens & a ream of photo paper from Costo

Pap 1: Please Mr. Pattinson- my daughter is a fan of you as a vampire. I swear I won’t auction off your autograph for $1,000 on ebay- I will put it immediately into my daughter’s Twilight book
Pap 2: He’s lying. I’m gonna be straight with you. I was gonna tell you I wanted your John Hancock for my neice, but in reality, it’s for my wife….Come on.. it’ll just take a second.

TomStu: I could sign it. I was in Pirate Radio… naked

The paps ignore Tom & finally Rob obliges them, after he walks square into a bush. But first he asks for 20-25 or so sheets of paper from Pap #1. The other day he wanted to make a grocery list but couldn’t find any paper. He had to use toilet paper. It was embarsasing. It got stuck on his shoe while he was waiting for a 1/2 lb of Hickory Smoked Turkey at the Deli counter.

But enough about cold cuts, shit hits the fan soon after

Guy in pic: Rob…. I’m sorry to tell you- people are starting to notice. You’ve been spotted
Rob: But I thought my overraction over the empty tray of hot wings distracted them?
Guy: normally it would but…Stephenie can’t hide it anymore….your secret is leaking out
Rob: Steph- just a few more steps. Try to get your boobface back.
Steph: think about boobs..think about boobs Ouch- boobs- I can’t– ouch.. boo–

And as the truth to their quick escape is revealed and the whispers start to spread, this security guard can’t contain his excitement and he breaks into song:

Excited Guard: WHEN THE MOOOOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THATS AMOREEEEE..
WHEN THE STARS START TO SHINE LIKE YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE… THATS AMOREEEEE (or what i like to call, Tuesday)

And then suddenly the secret is out- there is no denying what’s going on. Sure Rob was upset that he was called Rob Danson one too many times. Sure it sucked when they ran out of hot wings, but the true reason for the escape can no longer be hidden:

Stephenie Ritz is in labor. Yes, she is pregnant with Rob’s child. KStew is around just to take the spotlight off the REAL gossip. It happened just like you’d think- one night when Rob was crashing on Steph’s couch, Steph joined him. One thing led to another. They got out the Breaking Dawn script & they acted out the Isle Esme parts. And the rest is history.

We can call them Robanie. Or even Stephbert. The news is out- this is the real story……

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Pics Source

What do you think? Def a Steph/Rob love child happening? Are you as 2nd-hand embarassing as I am that Rob showed up to a Hollywood after-party looking like that? Dragging along his 2 bffs like he’s 5 years old and they’re his favorite teddy bears?!

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