So it’s happened- for the first time EVER both of us are away & without the interwebs. While Moon is completely disconnected in Africa, UC is only in South Carolina… but her vacation home doesn’t have internet- SERIOUSLY? What kind of freakin’ vaca home 2 blocks from the beach with a pool IS THIS? (Said while Moon is serving selflessly the neediest of children & orphans in Kenya) This week instead of hanging up a “Gone Fishin’ ” sign, we are bringing you some fan letters, some fun & games & a simple week. So rest up as we do too and we’ll be back with you in full-force next week! Oh- pending comments will be approved but slower than usual- Moon has to send me a carrier pigeon from Kenya then I use a morse code to hack into the Pentagon & route their servers to LTRs to approve your perviness. Don’t worry- the president probably won’t see. So rest easy while we’re away. You’re in good hands today- our soulmate Heyyybrother writes you a letter!
Last weekend, being the good daughter that I am, I went to visit my mom for the afternoon and spend some quality time with her. Ok, ok… I was really taking advantage of her pool, air conditioning, and laundry facilities since I have none of the above in my apartment, but a little QT with Mother Dearest was an added bonus. So there we are, sitting by the pool chatting, when the conversation starts to slow down. I grab my iPod and pick up my copy of Water for Elephants to entertain myself with, when suddenly my mom says “Oh! They’re making a movie about that book! Someone…famous…is in it. I can’t remember who……” Now, you might think this is no big deal, but my mother is so clueless when it comes to all things pop culture; she has literally no reason to know they’re making Water for Elephants into a movie. Unless… no, can’t be…
Maybe it’s a fluke? Maybe she just saw something about it on Access Hollywood while flipping through the channels? That’s what I thought, or at least hoped, at first… Until later that night when we were watching a certain Harry Potter movie on TV and suddenly she gasps “IT’S EDWARD.” Crap. SHE’S A TWI-MOM. This is bad. Real bad. Assuming she is a true blue Twi-Mom, surely I would have noticed this sooner? … Or would I have? I don’t live with her, when we talk it’s usually about the latest family dramz, and, quite frankly, I’d sooner talk about sex with her than Twilight.
So, instead of doing the sane thing and just flat out asking her if she has a creepy hobby where she spends her time stalking a handsome star younger than her own children, I figure the only option is to do some reconnaissance. Commence Operation: TwiSpy.
We’ll start with the obvious things first:
– Check the bookcases for books. Does she have a special Collector’s Edition? Does she have a extra “lender” copies? Journals? Movie companions? Twilight Manga?
– Check the dvd storage knowing full well that she hasn’t purchased anything since “Christmas with the Kranks”, so if she has Twilight or New Moon, she’s already too far gone. Don’t forget to check inside other, unassuming dvd cases, in the event she’s cleverly stowed her ROBSESSED disc inside The Passion of the Christ.
– Check the closet for a Team Edward t-shirt, excessive plaid, or an abundance of blouses with shoulder pads.
From there, we’ll move onto more obscure things:
– Check her browser history. Has she bookmarked every Twi-Mom site out there? Is she a member of the Twi-Mom’s facebook page? Has she bookmarked a dozen sites with Twilight Party ideas? Is there a red bathmat bookmarked on her Target.com wish list?
– Check her iTunes library. How many soundtracks does she have? Any Bobby, Marcus or Sam would be a dead giveaway, especially considering she hasn’t playing anything other than Michael Bolton, Yanni, Kenny G, and Clay Aiken in years. If she has any Brit-Pack music AND shoulder pads, there’s a good chance Janetrigs has drunkenly harassed her one Friday night.
– Check the bathroom to see if she’s switched exclusively to strawberry and freesia-scented products prominently featuring glitter.
Truthfully, I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I go digging. There are dark days ahead. Allow me to apologize now should my mom ever show up on the sidelines of one of your premieres with a glitter-puffy-paint sign declaring her love for the sparklepeen. I just pray that, if she is a Twi-Mom, she never discovers that I like it too. It’s only a matter of time before she has us all holding apples for the next Christmas picture. In which case, the next site you’ll see me on will be AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.
The Apprehensive TwySpy,
Are you following our awesome contributors? Well you better be following Heyyybrother after you read today!
And yes, that is my (moon’s) mother up there in that puffy paint shirt, you’ll remember her letter here. Have you had to become a Twi or Rob spy to suss out a friend or family member’s true allegiance?
and you know what…. even though LTR will STILL be around this week, why NOT hang a “Gone Fishin'” Sign? Especially if it looks like this:
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Tags: , Britpack, Edward, Fan letter, HeyyyBrother, LOD, mom, mother, robert pattinson, Twilight, twimom, Twispy, Water for Elephants