Biting my tongue, biting my tongue

Dear Rob,

How are Bear the dog & Jella the cat enjoying the treats that Daddy brought them home from Lisbon from this girl?

Click me if you're not scared

biting my tongue biting my tongue holding my tongue holding my tongue i’m sure she’s really nice i’m really scared this isn’t normal for real it isn’t biting my tongue holding my tongue having a hard time holding back but i’m holding back and biting my tongue and holding my tongue and it’s killing me

Love,
UnintendedChioce

PS: “tongue” is a really hard word to spell. xx also here is the story about the above picture if you dare

20 Commented


Rob “Britain’s Shame” Pattinson goes out with a non-male friend

Hear ads? Yeah, sorry about that. It happens. Mute them by hitting the volume button. Two in the side. One ALLL the way at the bottom.

Dear Rob,

Yesterday you were caught with someone who wasn’t a man friend. And we KNOW that’s against the rules. You were called “Britain’s Shame” by Oh No they Didn’t. Are you THAT bored with your one non-man friend out of the country that you’d risk being branded as a cheating man-whore? WHY was there not more than 12” of space between you and that semi-attractive home-wrecker? Isn’t that rule #72? And doesn’t rule #8 stipulate that if you HAVE to go out- and something tells me this enthusiastic guy was the reason you left the house cause who can say no to THAT face- then the girl must NOT be hotter than a 2.5. And she’s DEFINITELY a 6. Possibly a 7.

Have you heard what they are saying about you online? In the comments on Pop Sugar ALONE there were things like this:

Ashaa said:

SHAME PATTINSON, POOR KSTEW

and Oni2 chimed in:

once a cheater always a cheater, and Kris just said she could never be with anyone that cheats on her. This is going to be very bad..

user 1278698 said

false, hypocritical, untalented actor, miserable traitor, disloyal friend, liar, deceiver ………………… disgusting!

and then ashaa chimed in again:

MICHAEL ANGARANO IS MUCH BETTER FOR KRISTEN, THEY SHOULD GO BACK

Are you going to take that? I’ve already set up a username for you User: 1345679 (password: SHAMED) for your rebuttals. And next time you’re approached by an enthusiastic guy, tempting you to join him and, not one but TWO non-male friends, here are some things you can do instead:

  • Vacuum the bear-skin rug. I KNOW there are some sort of fast-food crumbs matted into the hair
  • Knot all Kristen’s Tshirts so she has one less step to do in the morning
  • Compose new love songs to play after your next skype sex session
  • Continue teaching Bear to say “I love you”
  • Start to teach jella to say Kristen- or to use the toilet. Train her to stay OFF of the Bear-Skin Rug 
  • Put together your beer tree
  • Finish your unpublished love sonnets for Kristen- call Stephenie Meyer for some advice on getting published.
  • Go to the Target Photo center with Bear & Jella to get pictures together as a surprise for Kristen. Bonus- use them as Christmas cards & send them to your parents, TomStu & Nick & Stephanie.
  •  Go to all the Twilight fansites and thumbsdown anything that may be even slightly offensive towards KStew (You have that username I set up for you!)
  • Put on a play with the dino nuggets for your secret youtube account
  • Distress your new $80 plaid shirts so they look like they came from a thrift store
The options are endless! And I know you have the Hot Pocket Fort still tucked away for a rainy day. Consider ANY DAY when the only option is “Hang out with non-male” a rainy day, ok? We wouldn’t want anyone to think you have a life, other friends, actually do fun things think there’s trouble in paradise, or anything.
Love,
UnintendedChoice (with lots of help from Moon & Gooseberry)

Disclaimer (Do I have to ???): I don’t think Rob is a homewrecker or a shameful person. And I don’t think that girl is a slut or a 6. She’s probably an 8. I DO think that Rob makes his Dino Nuggets talk.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHY WAS ROB WITH ANOTHER GIRL? HOW COULD HE? OH MY GOSH. WHAT REASON WOULD HE EVER HAVE TO BE WITH ANYONE WHILE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY? I MEAN, HE COULDN’T BE WORKING, RIGHT? OR, HE COULDN’T HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN KRISTEN OR THE BRIT PACK, RIGHT? AND HE COULDN’T JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY FROM THE CAT AND THE DOG FOR SOME BREWS, RIGHT?

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79 Commented


Breaking Down Rob’s Sad Panda face and then it all goes down hill

Dear Rob,

UC and I got to talking about your weekend paparazzi run-in (see that link for pictures) and we decided that your sad panda face had to be the product of something other than being followed around by some smelly dudes with cameras. We break it down and then get distracted…

UC: I just watched the pap vid. so sad! he seemed really upset
Moon: dude didnt he? it was weird, right?
UC: yeah…. like something must’ve happened…i thought of a few things- Kristen was somewhere near by… and he didn’t want to get caught (cuz just he & Steph in Malibu? odd) OR maybe he was having a mole checked and was embarrassed
Moon: hahahaha defs a mole. OR maybe he was having stomach issues and needed to stop in a CVS but didnt want the paps to take a pic of his diarrhea medication
UC: OR Nikki Reed asked him to pick up a preggers test… he didn’t want them to get the wrong impression
Moon: OR he really wanted to get another double double but was embarrassed that the paps already caught him at an in n out twice that day
UC: he dripped milkshake on his pants and it looked like he peed
Moon: and all he could think about was the cupcake pants snafu from Vancouver. he didnt need people thinking he had a premature ejaculation issue
UC: Dick is sick he got the news and just wanted to cry, but no one read through his “please go away first” sad panda face. All he wanted was a hug even if it was from a sweaty guy who smelled like falafal
Moon: HAHAHA falafel
c

Moon: he just finished the final episode of the OC after going on a bender and watching all 4 seasons in a weekend and he just wanted to drive down the PCH like Marissa and Ryan one last time
UC: Tom was waiting around another bend…. with fake blood poured over him like Marissa- they even had Cam hanging out a truck window- watching him fake die, but Rob was late for the scene….it was sad. They were gonna submit it to funny or Die. Or just keep it to watch once a year during “best Friend Week.” Memories!
Moon: the highway patrol got there first and started a murder investigation
UC: B/c Tom had passed out the heat plus the 3 double double’s he scarfed down himself when Rob went down the road to get gas which they naturally ran out of! They don’t know gallons- only liters. it can be confusing to be British living in the US
Moon: OR rob found out he wrote down the wrong date for comic con and realized he missed the unveiling of the new star wars boba fet figurine
UC: haha
Moon: they sold out in 5 minutes. sad
UC: he went to beach with Stephenie but forgot to bring back Kristen a little jar filled with sand.
She can be a bitch if she doesn’t get her sand. she adds it to her loquat pie… acts like an aphrodisiac …helps with the love making on the bear skin rug
Moon: its a cheap fiber substitute and with all their traveling they have to stay regular
UC: It works- thus the trip to CVS for Rob
c

 

UC: OR maybe… Rob stole Rosie (the elephant) but she escaped into the sea and he dind’t have insurance on her yet
Moon: he saw her near paradise cove in malibu, lured her to the car with his double double wrapper but couldnt fit her in the backseat
UC: he did pick up a baby seal though thought she could be friends with Jella- such a giving guy
UC: yes I just name dropped Kristen’s cat…. no I’m not a krisbian.. I just have an affinity for all cats
Moon: im not playing anymore you just named her cat. i think you may have taken the krisbian oath on FaceBook last weekend. I’m booking my flight to philly for the intervention
UC: hahahah its a CAT! I don’t discriminate!
Moon: i want to say i do… but i can’t. but it’s a cat. the only cat i love is hello kitty
Moon: that may have been a twimoms on oprah moment for you…if you send me pics of your new place and i see a red carpet in the basement- i’m on the next flight out!
c

Moon: What is all this talk about Rob’s peen on Twitter?
UC: people are INSISTING his penis is showing… some think it’s photoshopped, i think it’s a PHONE
Moon: where is this picture
UC: here (to the right)
Moon: ok, im way more into his sunglasses than looking at his maybe-peen
UC: i looked at the one you posted today…. there is clearly something SQUARE in his pocket which moved
Moon: IF that’s his peen it’s detached and floating around in his “R-Pants”
UC: I think it’s his phone. Someone could’ve photoshopped it.. i just think it’s a bad angle or good angle..whatever
Moon: dude it’s not attached to anything at the bottom
UC: like… LOOK AT it close up  it’s SQUARE
UC: also is Rob that much of an idiot that he’d free ball it.
Moon: this is a rhetorical question, right?
UC: oh THAT’S WHY HE WAS SO SAD… his HUGE PENIS was going to be PHOTOGRAPHED. he KNEW IT *sarcasm
Moon: he’s pissed they didnt get ENOUGH pics of his huge penis. he’s going to only wear a shirt next time
UC: Yes…. and carry a magnifying glass to point to that area
Moon: tom stu will walk next to him with a neon arrow on wheels

Yup… so this is what we think happened and why you were so distressed on that paparazzi video it wasn’t being followed around and annoyed non stop by dorks with cameras. It was all these reasons! We get it now!

Off to measure my backseat for an elephant,
Themoonisdown

So which reason was it… what is your reason (besides the obvi) for his sad freaked out face? SHARE!

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93 Commented


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