How NOT to pick up women in Los Angeles, Rob

A how to NOT guide

Dear Rob,

I was just reading the Los Angeles magazine “The LA Woman” edition (yea, I’m a little behind) and I came across a cute little one pager called “How to pick up a local lady” by Stacey Grenrock Woods in which she writes out 1o different scenarios for picking up an Angelino lady. So since you’ve been around these parts for some time now AND since you seem to the man about town these days with ladies and men and whoever I thought this might be a good little read for you… only me being a lady of LA myself have a bit of advice should you choose to exercise any of these tips with possible answer you would receive…

No. 1
Tell her that you caught her guest spot on Rizzoli & Isles. When she says you’re mistaken, admit that you thought she looked too upmarket for television and should really be focusing on film. After sighing that these rum launch parties can be awfully tedious, suggest the two of you go somewhere quiet where she can vent about her manager.

Her answer: You’re a douche bag. Get away from me.

Does my compost pile turn you on??

No. 3
Compliment her on her straw fedora and ask if she’d like another Diet Coke and vodka. Tell her you think CityWalk has become too commercial but that you know some “ultrahip” spots on the Eastside and the mixologists who work at them. Remind her that she can never have too much material for her vlog.

Her answer: First of all CityWalk has always been commercial that’s like it’s whole reason for being. No one goes there who isn’t a tourist or doesn’t have to go to Universal City for something. Also if you use the words “ultrahip” and “mixologist” in the same sentence you’re not talking about anything on the Eastside. TRUST ME. Oh and do me.

No. 4
Tell her you’re impressed that someone as petite as she can put away so much deep-fried bone marrow. Remark that, although this gastropub has 5,000 craft beers, the platings are a bit too Top Chef for your taste. Offer to take her to a pho-and-Belgian-waffle truck that no one knows about yet.

Her answer: Do me on top of Belgian-waffle truck. NOW.

No. 5
Confess that you find the Twilight books to be a taut blend of fantasy and myth. Would she like to hear some verse you’ve been working on? Recite Poe’s “To Helen,” changing “The glory that was Greece” to “The glory that was Forks, Washington.” Squinting pensively, tell her this bus stop is altogether too bright and suggest you both go back to your place to talk about the undead.

Her answer: Wait… aren’t you??? *looks around* Wtf is this??? Oh and DO ME.

No. 6
Pick up her dog and give it a big kiss on the mouth. Wonder why so many people are put off by Chinese cresteds—they’re the cutest things you’ve ever seen. Tell her you’ve heard that a lot of unneutered pit bulls come to this dog park and that you know of a better one with hand sanitizer stations and free biodegradable bags.

Her answer: Put down that dog and do me.

No. 7
Compliment her on her crocheted minidress. Say it reminds you of the one your mother used to wear back in the Haight. Tell her she’s by far the most stylish person in this entire Urban Outfitters and offer to drive her through Topanga Canyon and show her where Devendra Banhart lives.

Her answer: You really just compared me to your MOM while we’re standing in an URBAN OUTFITTERS? I’ll forget that if when we get to Devendra’s you leave.

No. 10
Lock your purple fixed-gear bike to a parking meter and ask her where she got that beautiful tattoo of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s signature because you’ve been thinking of getting one just like it. Is it the same artist who did Ashlee Simpson’s work? Inquire if she wants to grab a community-supported grain bowl at Café Gratitude.

Her answer: If you think I’m the kind of person who would go to the same tattoo artist as a Simpson sister, clearly I’m not the girl you’ll be happy with. Now do me before you go find her at the Oakwood Apartments in a one bedroom apartment with 7 roommates looking to make her big break. (LA jokes!)

Ok, so clearly most of us ladies in LA would probably DO YOU even if you used some of these AWFUL pick up lines. I mean Bear could pee on my leg at the aforementioned dog park and I’d probably still do you on a bench at the dog park. I’m not proud of it (as I blog about it for the world) but hey, I’m just here to tell you these lines don’t work and you just know LA better than this if you’re going to attempt a pick up line about Los Angeles. My advice? Just stick with the bumbling british persona and let your accent do the talking.

Do me now!

Source: LA Magazine

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8 Commented

Rob blocked on the Red Carpet!

Hey Rob, sit back today because I have a letter for a different guy…

How long can I stand here before she punches me?

Dear Mike Welch,

I’m commandeering Letters to Rob today because I have an important issue to address with you:


Everything was going swimmingly on the black carpet at the Breaking Dawn Premiere, Rob was inching his way down the line… you were ahead of him by a few press outlets answering questions about FacePunch or whatever it is people are asking you these days and then the perfect storm started brewing… you were talking just a tad too long about your bow tie to Lindsay from Team Twilight who, sadly, had to fall on the sword and take one for the team by talking to you quickly in hopes that we could get Rob next. It turns out, however, you were speaking just a little too long and Rob was moving quickly down the line of fan sites, Dean was giving me the eye and I knew what was about to happen… witness it happening in glorious moving image…

You can almost smell my desperation…

Was this your way of getting back at us for not making good on our promise to start a or the time we made you the poster boy for our fake “Respect” campaign because you are a good person who hates boob cancer? Or are you just mad that I didn’t ask you what Twilight tattoo you’d get if forced.

I mean God love ya Mike Welch but get the heck out of the way!!! You’re the guy who plays the golden retriever-esque character in Twilight you gotta understand I had to do everything within my power to get Rob to say anything to LTR… the girls here deserve it! I will gladly talk to you any day about anything in the world for however long you want to but not whilst Rob is an arms length from me. THAT’S JUST SCIENCE.

How did you become the ultimate cock blocker dude? I mean REALLY?!

Love ya Mike but ROB!!! ROOOOOBB!!!

Yes this happened and yes I don’t feel bad cause you know I had to try everything in my power to get you all some Rob! Would you have done the same? Should I have jumped the barricade and risked getting tackled by Dean??
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31 Commented

Rob and the Mystery of the Three Suitcases!

(Remember when I wrote a post using the sad trombone button and every time I told you to HIT IT you were supposed to hit the button? Well same thing here today. Open the HIT IT link in a new window and read away!)

Dear Rob,

Monday you returned HOME to LA (welcome back) and was seen leaving LAX with… three suitcases! HIT IT! Crazy, I know! So clearly since you own like 2 shirts and were wearing your only pair of pants these suitcases couldn’t be for you. The fans (ahem Robsten fans) KNEW it had to be something else. Like something for Kristen Stewart! HIT IT! But she pretty much owns 2 pairs of pants and a shirt so it couldn’t be her clothes, OBVIOUSLY. And as much as we both want to believe Kristen was actually IN one of those suitcases HIT IT unless the other suitcase had some sort of oxygen tank, it’s probably not her. So I’m here to figure out what all those suitcases could be… in (say it in a loud and booming theatrical trailer style voice) Rob and the Mystery of the Three Suitcases! HIT IT!

What could the three suitcases be full of?

1. A years supply of Hobknobs and Marks & Spence Underwears HIT IT!
2. Fish and Chips because Harry Clearwater’s fish fry actually isn’t the best in the world. SHHHHH! HIT IT!
3. The ashes of Patty. He wants to spread them over the Pacific Ocean and the In N Out Drive Thru HIT IT!
4. Being a girl who might actually have and take 3 suitcases worth of clothes to Europe, Ashley Greene blackmailed Rob into taking home hers so she could go on a shopping spree and fill up 3 more suitcases. HIT IT!
5. All of the clothes Claire sat our for charity donation. It’s almost winter here in LA! HIT IT!
6. A little hit of London’s rain and fog (he misses it) HIT IT!
7. His beard trimming system. Gotta keep the facial hair in tip top shape whether it’s heard, goatees, mustaches or chin patches HIT IT!
8. Letters from Dick. Dick decided it was more genteel to send letters the old fashioned way. Then he realized he didn’t have any stamps. HIT IT!
9. Dean bought a lot of Man Jewelry in Europe and couldn’t fit it all in his luggage so Rob offered to use his extra luggage allowance HIT IT!
10. This is part of his book library. He’s decorating his new home and wanted to fill it with his favorite books. HIT IT!
11. Swedish Fish. HIT IT! He got hooked on them while promoting the film in Sweden. Little does he know we totally have those here.
12. Macaroons from La Duree HIT IT! He knows how much I love them and bought back 3 suitcases full. What a good guy!

Since it simply cannot be normal stuff like clothes, personal belongings or stuff from her place here in LA, you know like normal people put in suitcases. The fandom just WON’T allow it, we’re left with guessing and these are the best options. I’ll report back later on what’s actually in there when I go to “visit” later. If he’s anything like me he’ll still have those suitcases in various states of unpacked for months to come.

No baggage here!

PS Is it weird I kinda miss the lopsided toupee heairdo?? Cause I do. HIT IT!

Also, Water for Elephants is out on DVD! Go and getcha some!

So do we think it’s some master conspiracy or is he just bringing back some of his stuff? Why must everything be a mystery?

Thanks Drama Button!

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20 Commented

Rob Buys Furniture – Is now officially an adult

Dear Rob,

OMG You went out and did something quasi interesting and got caught doing it so now I have something to sorta write about! Congrats. To me. What is it you did exactly? Well, (drum roll please) you went out and bought some furniture! Ok, more so home accessories but we’ll take what we can get and we will LIKE it.

So you went to this place called T.I.N.I. aka This Is Not Ikea. LOLZ AND Furniture, go you! So anyway this places is essentially a store made up of stuff you could come get out of my garage for free.

Case in point this lamp you bought:

This lamp is 85 bucks. I’m pretty sure I would pay YOU in free beer to come take this out of my garage or you could find it out back in the dumpster that’s clogging up the alley way next to the homeless guy who will make you an amazing deal on “vintage” clothing. Aka his shirt and pants. Cause you’re into that look.

The store also contains weird shit you’d see on Regretsy, like this lamp. Cause you wouldn’t want a decapitated giraffe as your light source? Only 115 dollars and you too could curl up next to a headless giraffe and read that tattered copy of National Geographic from 1972 you picked up near the T.I.N.I register. Buuuut you didn’t go with the Giraffe lamp you went with this gem…

Yup, this elbow bar from Home Depot and left over light from the set of Harry Potter is now yours for 385 and placed next to this stool from Heidi’s milk maid barn it’s a real steal at 60 clams…

Ok, so I totally dogged on everything you bought because where’s the fun in being nice and saying good job on being an adult? That’s right, there is none. I would actually like to see how you’re putting this in your new home and how this is all gonna work out, cause it could look pretty cool if done right. So yea, invite me over. I’ll keep my silent judgments to myself, I swear. And I’ll bring you a lamp/coffee table/coat rack/broken desk chair from my garage as a house warming gift.

Adults forever,

PS T.I.N.I., I’m pretty sure this IS Ikea… just sayin. And I actually want to visit your store.

So what do we all REALLY think of Rob’s purchases? What’s your fave furniture store and/or look? Are we all super sad that Rob didn’t publicly buy plaid curtains and a plaid couch like the “Palatial Pad” has??? Sad Panda!

Source: EOnline

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35 Commented

What’s going on here? Rob in LA edition

Dear Rob,

With you back in LA and traipsing around West Hollywood like nobodies looking has given us plenty of new material and it’s been our daily ritual to trade pictures of your latest shenanigans back n forth as we break it down. Just like the good ‘ol days. And today’s no different. Only this time we’re wondering what in the crap you’ve been up to and we think LTR readers have some ideas too… so let’s get started shall we?


So clearly Tom took the paparazzo up on Rob’s offer to let him take as many pictures in 30 seconds if he gave him the flannel. Poor Rob… too bad he doesn’t know TomStu paid the pap off since that flannel completes his killer Halloween costume idea of being the Brawny Man.

Moon: who’s the dude in the toyota driving them??
: THAT’S WHAT I SAID younger ben affleck? new friend? Tom’s boyfriend? Kristen’s brother? Kristen’s boyfriend? will we ever know?
Moon: a guy who drove a car up to the back door waiting for one of the bar tenders to get off work, then they jumped in and who was like wtf?! but he drove off
UC: haha yes exactly OR .. it’s a robstners boyfriend coerced with the promise of really good sex to act as a driver and get the goods aka film the back seat make-out session
Moon: and then dump them on the side of the road in a rush to get the video to the girlfriend and onto the internet
UC: his girlfriend is waiting by with a few 80s power ballads to use in the video and bella & edward montages to work in
Moon: and dont forget the roaring fireplace effect
UC: how could i forget!?
Moon: i know… and in reality it really just makes it look like rob/kristen/bella/edward are in a bad house fire
Moon: like this…

Next up…
Remember when you were younger and the cool thing to do was use bleach and rubber bands to make tshirts you thought were cool and in reality you just looked like a hippie or as if you had a big laundry accident. Rob is probably used to having Clare do his laundry so when he tried to do his own laundry for the first time he not only bleach the arm of the sweatshirt he shrunk it in the dryer. Thus the reason he quit doing laundry all together and why everyone thinks he doesn’t shower. Mystery solved!

A big thank you, Rob for actually showing your face occasionally this week and giving UC and I something to blabber about in the mornings like we used to. It’s been fun and educational but we’re still wondering what is going on.

Off to tie dye some shirts!

Thanks to our lovely pal Gozde and her girls at Robsessed for always having the goods!

So what do YOU think is going on in these pictures? Give us your takes in the comments!!!

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