(Rob, don’t cry… but I will be away from interwebs and blogging for 2 weeks while I’m in Kenya! But have no fear I’ve got all your favorite past letter writers as well as some new ones lined up for you! Freya takes over today and writes you in my absence and ponders the exact thing I’ve been wondering: where the crap are you living these days? xo, moon)
In response to the video that has got the Respect Rob-ers up in arms, my thoughts were (as is typical) elsewhere. You say that you don’t want the paps to follow you home. But where do you live? Are you on one of those maps of the star’s homes? Can I see your place on a double-decker bus tour?
I really don’t want to know the exact address of your abode, but I can’t picture you in any kind of permanent lodging. You’ve been in California a while and I hope you’ve found a nice place to live, but I can’t picture it. I would hate to think of you living in a cold, impersonal hotel for such an extended period of time. This led me to thinking of the possibilities you might have for accommodation as you finish up Water for Elephants.
1. In a luxury hotel.
Oh, Rob. Please don’t be living here. I know you’ve been going from hotel to hotel as you do promotion and filming, but this is not the place for you. I worry about you, and your neighbors. The front desk doesn’t want to be dealing with complaints about the weird Hot-Pocket smell coming from your room. The maids are scared of your “pile o’ plaid” on the visitor’s chair. And you’ve finally been banned from riding the elevator up and down with TomStu. I think they may have banished you to the pool the other day, fully clothed, because they insisted on cleaning your room for once. It was a health and safety risk.
2. Kristen Stewart’s House
I know this might be true, because I happen to be BFF’s with Papa Stew. True story. Okay, maybe not BFF’s, but we’re tight. Okay, maybe not tight, but his nickname for me is “darlin’”. True story. No, really. On my way out of the Lopez Tonight show in LA, where I was a studio audience member, Papa Stew, who works as a stage manager there, almost ran me over, and said in his surprisingly deep, Johnny Cash-esque voice “Excuse me, darlin’.” So I think I can say with all confidence–based on our close, personal relationship–that Papa would probably let you stay.
Of course, I think it’s also a possibility that you have your own room at Casa Stewart. Maybe Mama Stew is like my own mother, who recently told me that she would put my visiting brother and his girlfriend in separate rooms. Because, as she put it, “he never told me they were sleeping together.” Sure, he’s my older brother, 38 years old, with his girlfriend of 2 years. Mama Freya doesn’t believe in “confirmed without words” apparently. So Mama Stew may be the same as Mama Freya, only moreso because Kristen is 20. And Papa Stew is a rather tall man who may be nice enough to let you stay, but may not want you creepin’ round his daughter’s bedroom after midnight. He saw that Twilight movie, after all—he knows your tricks. Maybe he’s a Nonsten, even. He thinks you’re just “good friends”. Good friends who sleep in separate wings of the StewMansion.
Really, I kind of hope this is where you live, Rob. Because then you have constant access to whatever kind of pie (loquat, perhaps?) Kristen is baking up, you have a mama to look after you and make sure you pick your dirty underwear up off the floor and put it in the laundry basket, you have a place for TomStu to chill and play some Playstation with you, and you have a “good friend” (ahem) around to keep you company.
Rob’s bachelor pad
3. Bachelor Pad
This also seems like a good choice. Your recent choice of ride makes me think you might be living the pseudo-Rat Pack lifestyle. You’ve got the pimped ride (don’t worry about that clutch—it’s tricky). So maybe you have a little retro pad, perhaps on the beach.
Of course TomStu is your roommate. Just like Peter Scolari and a young Tom Hanks, you’re living the Bosom Buddies roomie dream—with cross-dressing optional. (Are you Buffy and he’s Hildegaard, or the other way around?) (If you don’t know what that’s all about, YouTube it. Classic 80’s television!) Or maybe you’re more like Three’s Company. Tom seems like he might be the Jack, while Kristen is the Janet, which makes you the Krissy! You’re set up for plenty of kooky, wacky, and zany antics. I love antics. Like, I can imagine that Tom is a sleepwalker, and keeps climbing into bed with you, with that hilarious “waking up in the morning” scene. Or maybe you receive a trust fund and spend it all on Hot Pockets and beer. Or Kristen gets amnesia, and Tom makes her believe they’re married. I can’t wait for the episode where a little ethnic kid shows up on your doorstep and teaches you the meaning of love!
4. Youth Hostel
We know you love a deal, Rob. Just like thrifting some plaid and vintage tees, you have decided it would be savvy to save a few quid and bunk down with other people your age in one of LA’s many fine hostels. You wanted to mingle with other Brits doing the grand tour of the states, and live like they do.
It’s not exactly like you pictured, however. On the internet it looked like a great beachfront property with clean and well-lit semi-private accommodations. Instead you’ve ended up with an Aussie roommate named “Gazza”, who’s always walking around in his Australian flag boxer shorts with a can of Foster’s in his hand and a semi. He teases you mercilessly about being “that no-ball vampire dude”, calls you “Paddo”, and frequently puts a crusty, dirty sock on the door of your room to indicate he’s found some non-English-speaker to spend the night with, leaving you to sleep on the stained purple couch in the lounge. It’s almost a step up from the bunk beds in the room with the spring that consistently hits you in the small of your back and the plastic-covered mattress that rustles every time you turn over. Really, this going abroad is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Knock, knock! Are you home Rob?
In homage to this website, and to Lula, who came up with this idea to begin with, you’re just cycling through the scenic dumpsters of LA, looking for someone to get it on with. You find that the loyal fangirls you were anticipating, though, are outnumbered by rodents and cockroaches.
Just remember, Rob, if your accommodations are ever unsatisfactory, I’ve always got room in my bachelorette pad. I can scoot over and only take up half the bed. The Heinie is in the fridge, and I’ll leave the light on for you.
UC and I got to talking about your weekend paparazzi run-in (see that link for pictures) and we decided that your sad panda face had to be the product of something other than being followed around by some smelly dudes with cameras. We break it down and then get distracted…
UC: I just watched the pap vid. so sad! he seemed really upset Moon: dude didnt he? it was weird, right? UC: yeah…. like something must’ve happened…i thought of a few things- Kristen was somewhere near by… and he didn’t want to get caught (cuz just he & Steph in Malibu? odd) OR maybe he was having a mole checked and was embarrassed Moon: hahahaha defs a mole. OR maybe he was having stomach issues and needed to stop in a CVS but didnt want the paps to take a pic of his diarrhea medication UC: OR Nikki Reed asked him to pick up a preggers test… he didn’t want them to get the wrong impression Moon: OR he really wanted to get another double double but was embarrassed that the paps already caught him at an in n out twice that day UC: he dripped milkshake on his pants and it looked like he peed Moon: and all he could think about was the cupcake pants snafu from Vancouver. he didnt need people thinking he had a premature ejaculation issue UC: Dick is sick he got the news and just wanted to cry, but no one read through his “please go away first” sad panda face. All he wanted was a hug even if it was from a sweaty guy who smelled like falafal Moon: HAHAHA falafel c
Moon: he just finished the final episode of the OC after going on a bender and watching all 4 seasons in a weekend and he just wanted to drive down the PCH like Marissa and Ryan one last time UC: Tom was waiting around another bend…. with fake blood poured over him like Marissa- they even had Cam hanging out a truck window- watching him fake die, but Rob was late for the scene….it was sad. They were gonna submit it to funny or Die. Or just keep it to watch once a year during “best Friend Week.” Memories! Moon: the highway patrol got there first and started a murder investigation UC: B/c Tom had passed out the heat plus the 3 double double’s he scarfed down himself when Rob went down the road to get gas which they naturally ran out of! They don’t know gallons- only liters. it can be confusing to be British living in the US Moon: OR rob found out he wrote down the wrong date for comic con and realized he missed the unveiling of the new star wars boba fet figurine UC: haha Moon: they sold out in 5 minutes. sad UC: he went to beach with Stephenie but forgot to bring back Kristen a little jar filled with sand.
She can be a bitch if she doesn’t get her sand. she adds it to her loquat pie… acts like an aphrodisiac …helps with the love making on the bear skin rug Moon: its a cheap fiber substitute and with all their traveling they have to stay regular UC: It works- thus the trip to CVS for Rob c
UC: OR maybe… Rob stole Rosie (the elephant) but she escaped into the sea and he dind’t have insurance on her yet Moon: he saw her near paradise cove in malibu, lured her to the car with his double double wrapper but couldnt fit her in the backseat UC: he did pick up a baby seal though thought she could be friends with Jella- such a giving guy UC: yes I just name dropped Kristen’s cat…. no I’m not a krisbian.. I just have an affinity for all cats Moon: im not playing anymore you just named her cat. i think you may have taken the krisbian oath on FaceBook last weekend. I’m booking my flight to philly for the intervention UC: hahahah its a CAT! I don’t discriminate! Moon: i want to say i do… but i can’t. but it’s a cat. the only cat i love is hello kitty Moon: that may have been a twimoms on oprah moment for you…if you send me pics of your new place and i see a red carpet in the basement- i’m on the next flight out! c
Moon: What is all this talk about Rob’s peen on Twitter? UC: people are INSISTING his penis is showing… some think it’s photoshopped, i think it’s a PHONE Moon: where is this picture UC: here (to the right) Moon: ok, im way more into his sunglasses than looking at his maybe-peen UC: i looked at the one you posted today…. there is clearly something SQUARE in his pocket which moved Moon: IF that’s his peen it’s detached and floating around in his “R-Pants” UC: I think it’s his phone. Someone could’ve photoshopped it.. i just think it’s a bad angle or good angle..whatever Moon: dude it’s not attached to anything at the bottom UC: like… LOOK AT it close up it’s SQUARE UC: also is Rob that much of an idiot that he’d free ball it. Moon: this is a rhetorical question, right? UC: oh THAT’S WHY HE WAS SO SAD… his HUGE PENIS was going to be PHOTOGRAPHED. he KNEW IT *sarcasm Moon: he’s pissed they didnt get ENOUGH pics of his huge penis. he’s going to only wear a shirt next time UC: Yes…. and carry a magnifying glass to point to that area Moon: tom stu will walk next to him with a neon arrow on wheels
Yup… so this is what we think happened and why you were so distressed on that paparazzi video it wasn’t being followed around and annoyed non stop by dorks with cameras. It was all these reasons! We get it now!
Off to measure my backseat for an elephant,
So which reason was it… what is your reason (besides the obvi) for his sad freaked out face? SHARE!
Paparazzi videos usually don’t make me sad but that one definitely did. I don’t know if it’s your sad panda face when you stop the car for the billionth time, the way the engine wheezed thudded to life making it sound like your morning smokers hack or the fact that it’s Sunday night and tomorrow I have to go back to work, but whatever it is that video made me a little sad for you.
Sure, in the grand scheme of things you don’t have it rough at all and some lame dudes with cameras following you around is annoying and a bit of a safety hazard at best. I have to remember you get paid a LOT of money and this is one of those unfortunate side effects that comes with being stupidly rich and famous and good looking.
BUT I do admire your chutzpa in stopping the car and trying to wait them out. Though you know they’ll take pictures and ask you stupid stuff about the loquat crumble recipe and call you “Edward” as long as you let them. So it was a flawed attempt at using logic on the paparazzi, they don’t work that way, sadly. Even when you tried to reason telling them they’d taken “millions of pictures” and that should be enough. It should Rob, it should! But why do they want more? Are they waiting for Kristen to meet you in the parking lot of a fireplace store? Or are they hoping to catch you and John Stamos hanging out at Bob Saget’s house again? It makes me wonder how long you stood out there, in the middle of the street waiting for them to leave you alone, then talking to cops and then most bizarrely talking to that girl about the cars or the Kardashians? I couldn’t tell. Whatever it is that was the most odd part of the evening.
But what can we do as fans? We’ve already been hit up by some emails saying that the respect Rob campaign should be started up again. What were we doing since the last supposed “bad” paparazzi run in that prompted the respect stuff? Disrespecting you? (Nice and slow, right Freya?) Ok, ok just on the occasional Friday when we drop some Rob Porn on the ladies. But really, should we be boycotting mags and their sites and telling people we’re “proud to be paparazzi free?” HALE NAH, cause we love us a good pap picture, without those we wouldn’t have the underwear shopping trip or the wrist holding pic or those blessed Nova pictures from last week? So where does that leave us?
Prompted by your own mid-street stand-in I propose as a way of showing our respect that all Rob fans walk into the middle of the street tomorrow at noon for a moment of silence and sad panda faces in remembrance of your weekend paparazzi show down. Now if we happen to obstruct traffic, or ask your coworker to follow you into the street with a point-and-shoot digital camera to reenact the moment or repeatedly get into your busted Kia Sephia and crank the engine than that’s just bonus points. Super fans will go the extra mile to show how much they respect your street side showdown.
In an effort to make this not such a sad video can someone please remix this and add the song “Dancing in the Street” by Martha and the Vandellas so that our new Respect Rob movement will have a theme song and now every time a Rob fan is out drunk Karaoke-ing and this song comes on we all have a moment of silence to let the paparazzi know we will NOT stand for this any long. But we WILL stand in the street!
Now it’s time to start taking photos of ourselves in the middle of the street so we can post them here to show how much we’re REAL Rob fans.
You agree I assume, right Rob? You’ll join us next time Dancin’ in the Street comes on the oldies station in the Nova?
Thoughts on the video? Does it make you a little sad and distressed to see Rob out of sorts and annoyed by the paparazzi? Cause it does for me. Who’s going to do a street stand in to show their respect and Rob? Make sure you send us a picture! 😉
As we all know you can flip our moods on a dime. Case in point today I saw the promo image for a short you’re in called “Summer House” and I was GA-ROSSED out… to the max.
Nice mullet man. SERIOUSLY the little flippy bits in the back and then the fact that it looks like you’ve been trapped in a hot attic all day during the summer sweating your ass off until this poor girl found you when she went looking for elbow length gloves in grandma’s old trunk and found you trapped up there instead. Don Juan de Gross-o stuck up there with your shirt half unbuttoned, your business in the front and party in the back and then what I can only imagine is the worst BO of all time. ALL TIME. She’s obviously trying not to inhale because you’re so close to her olfactory senses. She’s just trying to stand still so you’ll think she’s an oasis in your heat stroked brain and you won’t stain her prom dress with your sweaty hands. This is clearly what The Summer House is about. Clearly. If that doesn’t sell you on seeing The Summer House, I don’t know what will. Their production team should definitely hire me to do the PR for this movie.
The crazy thing is after I was super grossed out by Don Juan de Gross-o I saw pictures of you and TomStu rolling around LA in a Chevy Nova like freaking rockstars. Only it’s so hilarious because you’re two sorta fey, bumbling brits (probably) awkwardly driving an American Muscle car into an In N Out drive through. CLASSIC RobStu shiz right there. You two should have a reality show. The underwears shopping, the clothing swapping, intense debates about the merits of the original Star Wars trilogy vs the prequels (ok, I’m imaging this happening) and now THIS. Please someone at E! give these kids a camera crew and some air time. We NEED this in our lives NOT the Kardashians or those dumb sluts who broke into Celebrities homes.
Obviously, you know the way to my heart.You know I was super creeped out by the Summer House image so you swiped a classic car cause you know how I’m in the market for one and then drove around till you found a paparazzo in a parking lot of an In N Out. Then in my mind you ordered grilled cheese, animal style with a diet Coke and then you put “Rollin’ with my homies” on blast in the Nova tape deck (cause it’s so obviously a tape deck) and pumped that shiz as you drove reeeeeal slow down Sunset.
And you waited cause you knew even with no consistent internet connection till tomorrow that I would see these and forgive you for the Summer House image. And I do…on one condition. Drive that Nova to my neighborhood and flip the hydraulic switches so we can really get this party started.
Rollin’ with the homies! *does the hand motion*
PS I should be back to 24/7 internet connection today. FINALLY! So I’ll be back to commenting and hanging around.
PPS We’re looking for new letter submissions so email your letters to Rob and Twilight to us!
How can Rob be simultaneously repulsive AND awesome at the same time? I can’t wrap my mind around whatever power he has that makes this possible. What would the RobStu reality show be called? Where else did they go on their fantastic voyage?
Follow the cut for the theme song to the RobStu reality show Continue…