Please witness the following email conversation between me and UC after I sent her this picture (to your left) of you out in London…
Subject: So… Rob’s in London now
the beard is bigger, the hat is still on and he’s wearing a BOB MARLEY shirt. is rob now THAT GUY??
we like him????????
i’m QUESTIONING how I ever did.. I need that beard gone & that bob marley shirt off STAT
i think it’s time for a round two of deal breakers. B/c covering “no woman no cry” is DEF a new one of mine!
YES, starting with this picture. GOOD LORD.
we all love a good reggae song but it’s usually when we’re at least 6 pina coladas deep at the Sandals resort and the cover band starts to strangely look like the guys from Oceans 11. But in real life? And on Rob? No.
It’s like at any moment you could become “Ras Trent” from Saturday Night Live… the lame white college boy into Reggae for the first time…
Sorry, you had to read the unedited version of our feelings on your current “look” right now, Rob, but it needed to be said. When I wrote the original deal breakers post last year, you stuck to your side of the bargain and didn’t throw on some jorts, or show up at the shore with some gold jewelry. But we didn’t think you’d go rogue and make up this lumberjack-college-dude-vacationing-in-the-islands look. I get that you’re on vacation but at least have some shred of dignity and use soap when someone hoses you down.
This really leaves us no other choice then to revisit our dealbreakers and come up with some new ones since you seem to need boundaries…
- Oakley sunglasses worn backwards on the neck
- Driving a mini trucks with stickers of Calvin peeing on stuff (ie the rival team, Ford/Chevy)
- Anything from the Dennis Franz collection of dingy short sleeved dress shirts
- Nasty dreads, namely where three of them have somehow fused in the back to form one long nasty one that reaches your butt. And inevitably smells. OF COURSE.
- Tattoos involving the Looney Toons (Taz playing basketball)
- Wearing a Frat TShirt long after you’re left college
- Dirty hippie wanna be guys who “perform” Capoeira or has devoted a good amount of time to mastering “the art” of devil sticks (pretty much the guy in this video is a deal breaker) in his basement to perform at the drum circle on Venice Beach.
You know last time we gave you a free pass and said we’d pretty much still bone you even if you did some of the dealbreakers, but I gotta say it man, you’re toeing the line awfully close PLEASE don’t make us break up with you. PLEASE. Just shave, throw on something semi clean and “get caught” taking Clair out for brunch and we’ll forgive you.
But seriously, knock it off.
PS It’s alright, feel free to listen to Ras Trent like 2309402894357 times cause it’s that awesome
So what are your deal breakers? Any news ones that have popped up since Rob started down the dirty trail?
Tags: , Bob Marley, copoeira, deal breakers, dealbreakers, Dennis Franz, devil sticks, drum circle, gross, hippie, islands, London, lumberjack, NYPD Blue, robert pattinson, Venice Beach