(Keisha welcomes the weekend for us with a special poem about all our favorite Rob’s through the years! Happy Weekend! xo, moon)
Why do we love thee?
Let me give you a glimpse in this Ode to RobP.
Let’s start by taking a look at your early work, shall we?
This isn’t in much order but please bear with me.
(Gotta put in THEY’RE NOT BEARS or UC & Moon will kill me!)
You were such a goofy dude as Art in How To Be
And portrayed a great artist when you played Salvador Dali.
You wore a rainbow sweater and again were so dorky
When you were in that movie about teen pregnancy on BBC.
There was that movie where you smoked like a chimney,
Laid around, and the spiders were way creepy.
You were even in a movie about that Potter boy Harry
Was it fun to be a wizard when you played Cedric Diggory?
THEN there was this director named Cougar Cathi
That was doing a movie about a book by Stephenie.
I’m sure you had no clue your life was about to be so kookie
When you were auditioning… on a bed… with a handheld video cami.
You played this “teenager” named Edward C
Did I mention that you were a vampire with a bouffant and were sparkly?!
Who had one fiiiiiiine faux Daddy
Played by none other than Peter Facinelli!
Now females yell “Edward Cullen, Bite Me!”
And scream in your face like they’re all bat-shit crazy.
I, myself, was a little late to the party
But last May I finally saw Twilight On Demand in HD.
For weeks I was glued to YouTube like it was Thursday Night Must See TV
For never before had I enjoyed hearing a grown man giggle and say “Lit’rally”.
I rushed out to Target and bought the Twilight DVD
And for that I have just one word: Commen-freaking-tary!
Now I say things like OME!
And smile when I see Volvos that are silvery.
Just to see your cardboard face I will walk repeatedly
In front of the window display at the mall’s FYE.
I even own an Edward lunchboxie
And trust me, I am not in Grade Three.
I, too, think Hot Pockets are pretty darn tasty
And am waiting for my chance behind a Dumpster with The Pretty.
Your life has been invaded by so much paparazzi
Who will do just about anything to take pics while you’re tipsy.
You sure know how to have a good time with Heine
With your best mates Tom, Marcus, Sam, and Bobby.
I will scour the Interwebs for hours to see
Pics of you in the sacred gray shirt of Stoli.
God forbid you forget to wear a hoodie
Or go outside without your trusted dark beanie.
The jeans had better be button-flied, blue, and holey
And I won’t turn away if you show a little mantie.
I swear your hair tells you “Don’t wash me!”
The girls really swoon when it’s all wild and messy.
Deep down we’re all hoping that you aren’t really smelly
And that we won’t get run off by Dean/Steve, your Security.
Everyone noticed you’re a pretty talented hottie
Especially when you strum your guitar and sing all mumbly.
Thanks to you some now think smoking is again way sexy
And you even have a segment called Robert is Bothered on Jimmy!
We REALLY love when you pose for mags like VF and Gentleman’s Quarterly
Even if you’re picking corn out of your teeth or wearing a horse blankie.
Sad Rob makes us sad and white, button down shirt, skinny tie Rob fills us with glee
But I’m not sure the world got the joke about your “allergy”.
It was time for you to do another movie
So off you went with a DILF to the Van-city.
While you were there you turned 23
And KStew’s life became a little less spicy.
But that had nothing to do with you, right Baby?!!
At least that’s what the execs at Summit try to tell me.
After that wrapped you went to New York City
And shot a somewhat different film called Remember Me.
There’s this guy named Tyler and a girl named Ally
I don’t remember much after the scene with spaghetti.
That’s a big fat lie cause then you get sweaty!
It was a crazy summer; some fangirls got rather fugly
For that I’m sorry and I really hope you didn’t get hit by that taxi.
You went back to the ‘Couve but there wasn’t much we could see
So we all settled in and waited impatiently for the eve of November Twenty.
A movie at midnight was a first for me
And you weren’t even in half of the damn movie!
But a little of YOU is better than none so 4 more times I would see
You in Grandpa’s tweed with a left nipple that’s a little wonky.
Your next project is/was Bel Ami
Which appears to have you with lots of Time comma Sexy.
THIS is full of Box Office WIN, trust Me
And I had no idea that 1890s Paris looked like present day Hungary.
Soon you will be in Cali shooting a movie about watering Rosie
Your love interest has played your Mummy
No, that’s not at all Uncle Rob creepy.
And your competition, even though he was a bad Nazi
In Inglorious Basterds, “That’s a Bingo!” is still pretty damn funny.
Team Rob will become Team JACOB Jankowski
Oh, the irony!!! Or not so much really….
After that… probably…. uhm…. most likely… maybe?
Will be the conclusion of Twilight with BD.
It all depends on what the director can do with CG
Did you know you’re going to have a weird ass baby???
What steps are you taking to become a Daddy?
I mean…. What steps are you taking to learn how to ACT like a Daddy?
Please be careful and get some freaking chemistry
You have no idea how much we are looking forward to Fade to Black Isle Esme.
But before that there’d better be a Leg Hitch in Eclipse we see!
Or the Fandom will revolt on this June Thirty.
Good Heavens this Ode sure is rambly.
And I haven’t even mentioned Pattinson Pant Lady!
In conclusion, Rob, we’d also like to thank Moon and UC
For showing us this acute fondness is not crazy, That’s Normal-cy!
XOXO – Me
But you know me as Keisha when I get all Commenty
Tags: , Art, Britpack, cedric diggory, Eclipse, Edward Cullen, how to be, New Moon, Open Weekend Post, poetry, robert pattinson, Twilight