Updating Rob’s Resume

(Hey Rob, I was about to tackle your old resume and then I saw that Robgirl86, Cath and drsaka had already done it, so who am I to stand in the way of awesome? AAANNDDD I finally got my router fixed (I bought a new one!) tonight so I’ll leave LTR in their capable hands today… take it away!)

Available for all those Darts/Wind Surfing/Bowling movie needs!

Dear Rob,

We recently saw a copy of your resume:

This needs updating. Ermmm, playing age – 16-20???? Doesn’t your agent realize you’re not really an eternal 17-year old looking vampire??? We also have many other questions about it, especially in the Languages and Skills section. For example, we’ve heard you speak in Polish one time already and we’ll hear even more in WFE. And what about the Sports section? Rob, it saddens us that you’re not highly skilled at darts; maybe that has something to do with it taking place in a pub? We’re also a bit distressed about the windsurfing bit, but then again; you’d be in a wetsuit for it…

BTW – your mini-bio, is your favorite food still lentils? Is your favorite movie still Splash????? (!!!!!!) Please tell us, especially about the lentils. And yeah, also about your mermaid fetish…

We remember that you saying that you exaggerated (read: lied) about your ability to swim when auditioning for HP: GOF. However, we believe you humbly left many things out of this resume and it absolutely needs to be updated and expanded. For example, why isn’t kissing listed as a skill? You were included in this list this has to be included!!!!

And you didn’t include more evidence of your dancing skills!

We would like to offer you our Resume Preparation Services (DCR Enterprises, please contact us at: anythingforrob@DCR.com). We already went ahead and updated your one-page resume for free. (No need to thank us – although we wouldn’t turn down dinner…)


(Click to enlarge! Trust me!)

So many skills of yours are unique to you and should be highlighted, you never know how these skills could influence a casting for you! Don’t get lazy and assume people think they know everything about you now, because they don’t. You’re an enigma. Show them you’re more than Edward, show them you’re as versatile as Brando, or Nicholson, or better said, show them the versatility that is Robert Pattinson!

Please see the Special Skills Portfolio for excellent examples of selected skills!

(cliiiick it!)

These are only suggestions, but please do not be quite so humble! We want to to get the prime movie roles that will continue to showcase your talents!

Always yours in curriculum vitae,

drsaka, robgirl86 and Cath

SEEEEEE Rob, they even made a special skills section much better than what I had in mind… but really I want to talk about the “highly skilled Sports” section in which you list WIND SURFING! DARTS and BOWLING! Really?! Can you be highly skilled at bar games and games you play at kids birthday parties? What else would you add to Rob’s resume?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

186 Commented


A Robert Pattinson professional

Dear Rob,

Yesterday, Moon recommended my work as a “Freelance Blogger” on Linked-in & it went something like this:

UC is THE person you want in your lifeboat and in your company every day. I’ve worked with UC on launching, maintaining and creating online ventures (blogs, media, content, etc). We co-created two blogs and work together to maintain and create fresh, creative content for our rabid audience. She is punctual, persistent, creative, and always on top of the latest “thing.” There’s no one else I’d rather work with.”

After having a discussion where I asked her if she’d REALLY rather work with ME over anyone else, even if that meant you, naked (answer: yes, even then), I started thinking about what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately with you missing, off gallivanting in Europe:

Myself.

That’s right. I thought about myself. I thought about how my Linked-In profile (and resume) includes info on my “hobby” of the past almost-two years. It might seem silly, but all this blogging & social networking has actually made me better at my actual profession (in marketing). So I feel it does deserve a spot. Of course it’s all cleverly hidden under the guise of something professional.

For example, this part of my “job”:

I write letters to Rob Pattinson on a semi-daily basis with a focus on the hottest pictures, funniest content, jabs at his girlfriend and run a reader forum where there’s a place to perv over hot pictures & fight with those who disagree with you over his relationship status.

Sounds much better when it’s written this way:

I create & maintain all content with a focus on timely, applicable posts and populate a reader forum with additional information and relevant topics.

See how it’s done?

But it’s lies, Rob. White lies- words disguised in a sneaky way, wrapped in a pretty bow- to trick the readers. I want to start over. I want to be honest with those considering hiring me in the business world. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I’ve created here. So as of today I’m not. Meet: Unintended Choice- Rob Blogger

Unintended Choice

Rob Pattinson expert & blogger at Letters to Rob.com
Philadelphia, PA

Current: Freelance Writer & Blogger at LetterstoRob.com
Self-certified Expert on all things Rob Pattinson

Past: Sad, lonely, unfulfilled life, full of males who can never live up to the specimen that is RPattz

Education: Robert Pattinson School, Honorary doctorate

Summary:

Go getter, self-starter who comes up with a vision and goes after it, no matter what the obstacles. The client I have worked with as a Freelance blogger at Letters to Rob.com doesn’t know I exist. Furthermore he’s afraid of people like me, yet that hasn’t stopped me from creating a place where his fans can be completely involved in his personal business & personal space.

I have the acute ability to persist through duress, like when being called a fat, ugly, crazy cat lady. I push through the hard times when competitors try to tear down my numbers and cause me to fail. In fact, I have proven results that the struggles have increased readership and participation tenfold.

Special Skills:

  • Songwriting: Rewrote songs about the client using top 40 hits;
  • Inter-personal Relations: Expert on the client’s personal relationships;
  • Stylist: Expert on the client’s personal style- know exactly where he prefers to shop for underpants;
  • Filmography: Specifically knowledgeable about Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire and the Twilight series;
  • Translator: I have the ability to un-jumble the Rob mumble;
  • Culinary: Expert in the preferred food(s) of the client; microwaving his favorite snacks & chilling his favorite beer;
  • Graphic Design- originator of the RobPorn

Groups:                     Robsten Appreciation, Nonsten Appreciation, TomStu’s fans, RobPorn Originators

Recommendations:

Freelance Blogger at LetterstoRob.com

Do you need some pictures of Rob with mildly suggestive text written over them? Then UC is your girl. Is your company lacking someone who will spend 3/4 of their time on Rob and Twilight sites instead of doing work for your construction/sales/marketing/ad/medical company? Don’t look any further than UC. She’ll drop whatever she’s working on the moment news breaks. She’ll gladly travel for work- preferring travel to London, LA & New Orleans this Fall. And no matter what, the client will always be satisfied. Or he will at least when he finds out she exists.

I truly am a Rob Pattinson Professional!

Love,
UC- err that’s Doctor Unintended Choice to you!

What do you think? Does my Resume/Linked-In profile look right? Am I missing any important “tasks” or special abilities?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

63 Commented


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