Oh hey Rob, we’re not dead

Dear Rob,

Despite what you might believe from our lack of blogging, we’re not actually dead. We are extremely busy. So busy, in fact, we haven’t even had time to talk. I (UC) have been away. I haven’t even seen ONE picture of your new hairdo. Moon has a new job that is so awesome I wish I could share with you, but then the Krisbians would probably attack. Mr. Choice just told me “no body cares about Rob Pattinson.” But he’s wrong. Some people care.

And pretty soon some of those people will be Moon & myself. Just as soon as I catch up on sleep, detox from a week of drinking at work events and have a chance to talk to my dear friend, Moon.

Sorry, Rob. Truly

xoxo,

UC & Moon

PS: Remember this:

8 Commented

BUTTCRACK ROB

Dear Rob,

There was a rumor floating around on Twitter yesterday that your buttcrack would be starring in Bel Ami, the film (as opposed to Bel Ami, the book, which would be equally as awesome) which prompted cheers of joy heard around the globe, a twitter melt down, your grandmother to go into shock and me throwing my fist in the air, pumping it Jersey-style yelling, “BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB” in my office.

Apparently some lucky fans in Belgium got to see Bel Ami & spilled the details via twitter. My favorite twitter response goes to the entertaining: @Mama_Cougar:

with Moon’s tweet as a close second:

And the news got me thinking about your buttcrack- what will it look like? How much will we get to see? What will the angle be? Will it be portrayed in way that will make me want to pull a quarter out of my wallet and try to insert it down your backside (Bel Ami is in 3D right?) Will it be attractive? Will it be (yuck) hairy? Did you shave the morning you knew what scene you would be shooting? Did you get little red bumps afterward? Will we see the red bumps on screen? Or Did you get your buttcrack waxed? Who made the appointment? Did you get a waxist recommendation from your mom? What was the reaction of the butt waxer when she saw whose ass she was about to de-hair? Was she shaking? Did she accidentally pull some leghairs off instead because she was so nervous? Did she try to convince you to get lazer hair removal on your ass? Can you even DO lazer on a buttcrack?

After pondering all that for a bit, I did a little “research” into “Rob Pattinsons’ Buttcrack” of days gone by. We have seen it before, you know:

There was Buttcrack Brazil  which was sadly overshadowed by Jumping Rob & all his adventures.

We’ve seen the TSA Buttcrack Adventure where even the major news media (aka TMZ) took interest

And who could forget the Buttcrack and Black Dots experience when you were filming New Moon in Italy?

We’ve even been lucky enough to get a Buttcrack on the Bearskin in the past

But as you can see- we’re due for a GOOD LONG LOOK a the real thing. None of this “just the tip [of the buttcrack]” None of this blurry screencap nonsense. Stop teasing us so! I want a big ol’ SHOT of the glorious thing. I want a camera ZOOM and a cinematography SWEEP. I want the composer to write an orchestral masterpiece for the moment when it’s revealed! [Now throw your fist up in the air and pump with me]

BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Are YOU exciting to see Rob’s buttcrack?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

35 Commented

Rob Pattinson in Bel Ami: Why we don’t really care

Dear Rob,

Last week we got an early Christmakuh present in the form of a new Bel Ami Trailer.

Well, it wasn’t exactly a present to us. 

It’s just not that hot

Chicago Friend: how do you feel about the bel ami trailer
UC: is there a new one?
Chicago Friend: i just saw it right now
UC: Oh.. I thought that was the same trailer.. but someone was just really behind in their Rob news. But.. I guess it’s different? slightly different clips? maybe?
Chicago Friend: i mean… it doesn’t look like… a very good movie? like it’s not surprising that it didn’t have distribution w/ hot stars like kristen scott thomas
UC: no… not surprising at all. And yes the trailer IS different. It’s more boring. Like so boring I just stopped watching it. And does it have distribution now?
Chicago Friend: i don’t know if it has it in the US? i mean… i don’t know. for some reason i thought it would be sexier? like, having sex with kristen scott thomas, who s probably like… 55 is not hot. ditto uma thurman. and christina ricci, ehh
UC: hahahahaha. You are SOOO right. I have never been interested in this movie…. and that right there is a perfect reason why. having sex with older woman, while so many of them fantasize about it.. WATCHING it is not hot. and christina looks anorexic. not hot. and it just looks… boring
Chicago Friend: i mean, shirtless rob, ok?
UC: okay but will i pay $11 and drive across the ben franklin bridge to south jersey to see it? probably not. Honestly. I don’t think I’ll see that movie. I’m saying it now
Chicago Friend: will i watch it when it’s on on demand immediately after theater release? maybe.
UC: i mean…. I haven’t even watched The Help yet
Chicago Friend: i haven’t either. that’s on the top of my netflix
UC: or that movie where Justin Timberlake and Mila do it a lot. so if bel ami is out in the spring (i think it might be? so it must have distribution?) and then on DVD in the summer… there’s a good chance it will be far down the list
Chicago Friend: yeah. unless someone’s just like “fine, come over. we’ll watch it.” like my interest in watching it alone is prettttty low
UC: i’d probably be depressed if i did… like really? my life is THIS boring? there are NO new NCIS episodes on demand? So i’m watching bel ami?

I know, I know. So Harsh. But come on, Rob, when have we ever been not honest with you?

I brought Moon in on the conversation a few days later:

Not what I meant

UC: I mean, I’m really trying to come up with some reasons for what would get me into the theater to see this movie. I’d go if I had tickets to the premiere.. or if there were guaranteed nude scene (male scenes- with him.. to clarify in case you thought i meant one of the old dudes)
Moon: Haha you’d go if there were man on man nude scenes?

UC: okay did you watch the bel ami trailer? And how do you FEEL?
Moon: I saw it. Why do i get a super strong Harlequin romacne vibe??? not that we dont all love us some heaving busoms and corset ripping… but is that really your follow up role choice after a blockbuster like twi???
Moon: i was thinking more along the lines of a gangster squad, oceans 11, hurt locker, even crazy stupid love type film
Moon: i mean even just follow the Gos’s footsteps. he’s laid out a solid career path
UC: Chicago Friend and I were talking about how weird it is to see him hook up with these older women. it would be ONE thing if they were all super relevant hot young thangs.. but….. i mean.. it’s kinda weird…watching him get it on with KST
Moon: yea none of them make me all hot and bothered. also i am not a lesbian so this might also play a part
UC: BUT… i like when Ryan gosling hooks up with pretty girls
Moon: but who wants to watch their mom or quirky cousin get it on with rob in period garb?
UC: it’s like… a bad dream
Moon: throw in an emma stone. im down! we ALL know im down for anthing emma stone. FAKE lesbian for her
UC: ME TOO. STONBIAN
Moon: like DO THAT rob but dont do aunt kristen scott thomas with a perm. GROSS

UC: I’m not even sure I’m gonna see it. Is that bad?
Moon: i’m more likely to go see ben schwartz perform imrpove before i see this. all that to say im sure ill see it because… hello LTR but its not even water for elephants level for me. i could get ZERO guys to agree to see this with me. even if i promised christina ricci’s big boob
UC: Mr. Choice LOVES KST & uma.. and there is no way he’d see this
Moon: this is why he needs to take my ABOVE career advice
UC: I mean, if there’s a NY premiere I’d probably go there and see what happens. I mean, i COULD run into Larry411 again like the premiere fo Remember Me
Moon: im sure there would be another devil horns photo opp if you went
UC: Why would I pass up the opportunity to give the crazies a little fun? I’d even POSE for them

But if Rob were a gay grandpa….

Rob should be in a running action movie where he saves dogs

UC: SIDE NOTE: omg. did you see the video where the guys are gonna become grandpas? I have the Cullen smiles
Moon: awwwwww yes. so hilar and cute. Maybe rob should just be in a full length film about the gay grandpas. THAT would definitely get my butt in the seat
UC: MINE TOO!!
Moon: rob playing a gay, soon to be, grandpa. I mean with teen mom, it isnt far off. give him some salt n pepper hair and viola
UC: yes… I’d see that. I’d also see: Rob with Emma Stone, Rob in an action flick, Where he has to Run.
Moon: HAHAHA i forget action flicks would involve coordination of which rob mildly possesses
UC: Rob playing opposite a big wig like.. Matt Damon
Moon: Yea rob needs to be in a big ensemble cast where he is NOT the lead
UC: right– like Oceans 14
Moon: ive said it 50 times before and ill say it again
UC: something BIG
Moon: do something GREAT as a supporting actor
UC: nothing controversial…. like a biopic or something.. where people have opinions. nothing about history
Moon: THEN we’ll talk about letting you EFF grandmas on screen
UC: prove yourself first before you get that right

A Mustache would get us there

Moon: Is bel ami even getting a wide release??
UC: DOUBT it..
Moon: thank god i live in la and we get like everything but what about a good chunk of robs fans who live in normal places…
UC: I DOUBT it will have the same release as Remember Me. how could it? it hasn’t had the attention that one did.
Moon: WFE has been his best so far (non twi) and that was with BIG stars. I’d love to talk to stephanie, his agent and see what the deal is. i know he says he doesn’t like much and what he does like he DOES. I’m sure they throw EVERYTHING at him
UC: Let’s call them- Stephenie & Nick
Moon: yea we need to get a conference call going cause i dont get it. i know stephanie can’t MAKE him do anthing but some gentle (harsh) prodding would HELP
UC: Right… slipping a hot pocket under the script she really likes
Moon: YES positive reenforcement! Her and nick tag teaming could have gotten him in gangster squad as some cop at least
UC: taking him to Norm’s rare guitars and THEN handing him the script. Ooh- I just envisioned Rob with a moustache as a cop.
Moon: Ew!! i just saw him doing UMA and Kristin i cant add a stache to that image
UC: Oh I can. give me a minute.

UC: So that’s it? We’d for sure see Rob in a movie where he’s sporting a ‘stache?
Moon: I guess so….!

Sorry Rob, but take our advice and we’re THERE!

Love,
UC & Moon

I know FOR SURE we’re not alone in feeling soooo blah about this movie. And I know some of you cannot WAIT to see Rob in Bel Ami. Sound off in the comments! Are you on Team Bel Ami or Team “Keep Rob away from ladies with perms?”

Addendum: Moon just had an epiphany: Kristin Scott Thomas with a perm in Bel Ami= DEBBERT. That is EXACTLY how she imagined Debbert to look- with a perm & mousy brown hair. That’s why the trailer is so popular! So many Bel Ami fans are also fans of Debbert’s famed “Ello Love”

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

75 Commented

Stuff we STILL don’t know about Rob

Dear Rob,

After doing research last week for our 3 year anniversary letters and Moon’s anniversary present (more on that later), I came across posts & pictures that reminded me that I STILL didn’t know the story or details behind a certain situation. And, well, you’d think after 3 years of following your ever move I’d know a lot more. So, in no particular order, here are some pressing questions I have about your life.

What happened to Patty? Did she die from old age, happy in her dog bed, chewing on the Hot Pocket toy you gave her last time you were home?

Rob gets drunk with a kid too young to be drunk with him

WHO was that ginger kid you got drunk with on New Years Eve 2008 and WHAT were you doing with him? Is he a relative of the Weasley’s?

Why did you REALLY get kicked out of school?

Did you lose your virginity to Cho Chan?

Nikki Reed, really? How high WERE you?

What do you DO when you’re not being photographed? I cannot imagine you stay inside the other 335 days out of the year when the paps don’t catch you. How do you stock the fridge? Do you have a housekeeper & caregiver? How do you get new clothes? Are you an Amazon Prime member?

of COURSE Tom was there!

Whatever happened with you & Nina Schubert, your “great love story for 3 years?” And WHERE is she? Why is she not on TV & shit proclaiming that she knows what you look like down there? Why hasn’t she posed for Playboy yet? “ROB PATTINSON’S GIRLFRIEND KISSES & TELLS, WHILE NAKED”

How did you REALLY meet the Brit Pack? I know you say you were “introduced” but by whom? Your counselors at “reform camp?” Where you got sent after getting kicked out of school for some unknown reason?

What do you DO with all your money? Do you dabble in the stock market? How are your mutual funds looking? Are you aggressively investing? 20% in foreign marketings, 30% in bonds? 50% in tech stocks? When you look at foreign markets, are you looking HERE in the states, or back home in Britain?

Rob just needs to get some Yen

Speaking of that, are you richer HERE in the US than if you were living at home? Since 1 pound is worth more than 1 dollar currently. Does that confuse you? It confuses me. Do you carry pounds in your wallet AND dollars? Do you use that Currency Exchange stand in the international terminal at the airports? Do you collect currency from all the places you visit? I have some old pesos I can send you, if so. I mean the kind used BEFORE the peso the current Mexico uses. They’re probably worth something.

Do your friends call you “Ron” now too after giving up on teaching their iPhones it’s “Rob,” not “Ron?”

What are your parents doing in their retirement?

How grossed out are your sisters by the female obsession over you? Do they buy you things like the Edward Cullen Body Pillow as Christmas presents just to embarrass you? Is “Edward Cullen” like the new “Claudia?” Do you wish they’d just go back to calling you “Claudia” instead? Have they ever tried “Claudia Cullen?” (you’re welcome for the suggestion, Lizzy & Victoria, obvious readers of LTR, because who wouldn’t want to read a blog gushing over your little brother?)

Anyway, Rob, just a few questions I have about your life, even 3 years later.

Get back to me when you can,
UnintendedChoice

What questions do YOU have about Rob’s life?

Run, not walk, to LTT today. JUST DO IT.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

23 Commented

It’s been 3 years of Letters to Rob. Hip Hip Hooray.

Dear Rob,

To celebrate our THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY yesterday, Moon & I did what we do best: Broke down YOU and the past 3 years, Vanity Fair Style:

To Rob’s Ex Girlfriend: Beat ya

Moon: so we’ve been in a relationship with Rob longer than anyone…sorry kstew! better luck next time…3 whole years.

UC: SERIOUSLY… i love that. I think we even beat that girl from this letter: To Rob’s Ex-girlfriend: I hate you a lot but also want to be your friend! Oh man.. that’s still one of my favs. So is the one where I told Clare Pattinson, who I would see 2 years later, eating an egg roll at a movie premiere after-party, “I want to bang your son”
Moon:OMG can you imagune saying some of that stuff to them?!

Big surprise- my FAVORITE pic of Rob!

UC: “Hey Dick! (Oh, by the way, can I call you, Dick?) Hey Clare! Having fun at the party? These Egg Rolls are delicious, right? Hey- can I bang your son? See you on the dance floor, Dick!”
Moon: It’s been 3 yrs of his weird hair cuts and even weirder outfits and even weirder behavior
UC: Amen. SO weird at times! And so has OUR behavior!

The Perfect Rob

Moon: Ok so if you could have a PERFECT Rob what would it consist of:
UC: Okay…. Him in tight fitted clothing – a la GQ business Suit Rob. He doesn’t always have to be business time, but I like that better than hobo-Rob
UC: Or maybe Rob doing that mumbling music thing
Moon: My perfect Rob is: air guitar Rob, brit pack Rob with all his friends, musician Rob singing “never think” and “let me sign”
UC: Man.. do I sense a theme? IS Moon into musicians?
Moon: IMAGINE THAT ME INTO MUSICIANS!!! SHOCK! Plus… all of Rob’s sunglasses

UC: YES… he does have the best.
Moon: Rob who loves his parents A LOT… every time he’s mentioned them on a late night chat show
UC: Yes! Rob feeling comfortable enough to be being dorky but FUNNY. Not the Rob on stage with Reese making horrible jokes!
Moon: I like that he’s not afraid to be himself (aka weird & odd) and telling super awkward weird stories in public
UC: Yes.. back before he had to worry about everything he said
Moon: yea the Twilight and even New Moon press tour is like a treasure trove of Rob-oddities.

Real or not Real?

Rob Pattinson: Keepin' it real since '08

Moon: I feel like Rob would just slip right into my group of friends- I think thats why I like Rob the most. he seems REAL. And THATS why i get why people like him.. not just the looks
UC: Yes….. He IS real. Even more than.. Ryan Gosling… who just seems too perfect to be true… I’m not saying I’m choosing Rob over Ryan. no no no… don’t quote me on that.. I’m just saying.. Rob is different
Moon: yea Ryan seems way too good to be true. Rob seems like the cute guy in class who you might actually talk to if you got paired up on an assignment. Ryan is like the hot english teacher where its NEVER a possibility
UC: but you will think about it EVERY NIGHT while you drift off to sleep (i never do that)
Moon: HAHAHA Ryan or Rob? Or BOTH?? As a hot english teacher?
UC: both duh! (but i mean Ryan)
Moon: HAHA! Isn’t it funny we blog about Rob but we don’t even think about him like that a lot??? Maybe he became TOO real to us
UC: Yeah… that’s interesting. I haven’t thought about that in awhile or ever
Moon: OMG Rob BECAME OUR JACOB!!!
UC: OMG
Moon: the end
UC: Don’t tell Clare!

Did you, Rob? Become OUR Jacob? After 3 years of blogging almost daily (well we did for 2 years!), seeing you multiple times, fawning over, dreaming of, giggling over, laughing at & with, getting frustrated over, feeling confused by, missing you, wanting you, wanting you to shave, wanting more, and then less…. have you really just become that guy who is a GREAT package and most would KILL to have around… but… is just the FRIEND? Have we lost the magicness? The pull? The romance? Is there any fantasy left?

I don’t know. And, frankly, I don’t care. LTR was never really about you. I mean, it WAS of course. It started all about you- about your good looks, awkward ways & all around awesomeness. Whatever that THING was that attracted us & so many others on a level than WAS different than the ones who came before. Most everyone we know who has ended up at LTR has obsessed in a way they never had before- devouring interviews, saving images (some needed second & third harddrives), learning your quotes & your lyrics and following your every move. So many of us were doing it that at the same time that it HAD to be normal, right? RIGHT? (Don’t answer that) But eventually the obsession morphed into something more- something… beyond you. And here we are, 3 years (and 1 day) later, celebrating that LTR has become a community- a community first bonded by a mutual acute fondness of YOU, but turned into something much more meaningful & important.

So thank you Rob. Thanks for being so freakin’ hot. Thanks for being so adorkable. Thanks for being different than any guy we’ve obsessed over before (like JT for Moon and JTT for me) so that we felt the need to start LTR and meet everyone who has made such a difference in our lives.

Love more than Kstew, the ex girlfriend, Dick, Clare, The Britpack and Bear combined,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

Three years! We can’t believe it. Thanks to @Brookelockart for organizing our amazing anniversary letter yesterday and for all the friends who participated & commented!  We’ll never be able to express how much you all mean to us! Please be sure to see what @JodieO and the girls of the Forum did for us, too! Happy Anniversary LTT. And Moon, well, you know everything already… but thank you. For it all xoxoxoxo

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

13 Commented