Need help with that?

Dear Rob,

For awhile now my girls and I have been under the suspicion that you might be a little inexperienced when it comes to your sex being on fire.  Not to say we think you have your v-card or anything.. no no no.  We’re pretty sure you’ve experienced a LOT of fabulous drunken-night 4:30am sex on the kitchen floor (while TomStu was prob passed out on the couch) and plenty of bathroom-in-a-restaurant BJs from hot fangirls who offered.  And while we’re all for the occasional night of a drunken hook-up in the back of a cab following 8 shots of patron, we’re also willing to admit that lots of 22-year-old drunk sex does not equate you to an experienced lover. So, is your sex on fire? Or is it mere embers?

Hey- we’re not judging if it isn’t. We discuss frequently that we’re HAPPY to teach you the ropes. Again, this has all been suspicion.. until this picture appeared:


And our worst suspicions were confirmed. The following are clips from our conversation:

Friend #1: It’s as I feared- This is painful. That is the WORST pressing of the lips I’ve ever seen! Oh, dear…Oh, Rob…He needs me to give him lessons.
Me: I’d kiss his sloppy lips anyday
Friend #1: I despise sloppy kissing- I don’t care if it is Rob. You come at me with gross liplocks like that and I’ll poke my arse out- KISS THAT!
Friend #2:  LOL! Those lips are so LOL worthy in that pic. I agree- the WORST. After you teach him, can I have a turn?
Moon:  Smooooshie lips. Looks either painful or with a lot of force… I might look that way if i had to kiss KStew too.

We’ve passed ideas back and forth on how we would best “teach” you the ways of a woman- we’ve considered ideas from showing you that Friends’ episode where Monica draws the SEVEN erogenous zones on a woman (and yes, there are 7) to the four of us mud wrestling to see who wins dibs on being “the teacher.”

We finally settled on the most fair idea- Spin the Bottle. By playing S.T.B., it ensures that all four of us get equal opportunity to teach you the secrets of lip-locking. And let me tell you, Rob… these girls are good. Believe me, I know!*

I know what you’re thinking, “how selfless of UnintendedChoice, ThemoonisDown and their friends to sacrifice themselves and teach me how to be a better lover.” And you’re right- it IS selfless of us.  So you should think long and hard (that’s what she said) about what to do to thank us for our generosity. (Hint- watch that Friends video I posted above- there are seven ideas right there…)

Wanna know how the night ends? Well, it will be you and I playing 7 minutes in heaven (I won the mud-wrestling competition for that privilege), but let me warn you, we end up using 173 minutes more than we’re supposed to…


*That’s not true, I have only met Moon in real-life and we’ve never kissed. But let me promise you, next time I visit her I’m loading her up with Patron and planting a big one on her lucious lips, Nikki Reed-style.

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