Your one tragic flaw

robert-pattinson-west-side-story-3

wave 'em around like you just don't care!

Dear Rob,

This is a difficult letter to write because I’m discussing one of your flaws (yes, this will hurt similarly to when I made fun of your fugly shoes). I don’t quite have the best words to articulate what I’m feeling, so I’m going to let my friend say what I cannot. She sent 3 of us this e-mail after seeing this picture for the first time:

“He is an adorable dork. That face…oh, dear. And girls…he so cannot dance. I mean, not even if we were standing naked in front of him and said, “Dude–all 4 of us at ONE TIME–if you can break it down” we wouldn’t even be able to get an Electric Slide out of his self.”

Ever since the HQ version of this pic was posted, cries could be heard all over the world with phrases like,”he CANNOT get his groove on.” and “dude cannot dance.” and “WORST dancer ever!” and “This is his one tragic flaw”
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Robbie? What happened? You’re British! Isn’t dancing like a requirement in order to graduate high school? I thought it ranked right up there after “how many spoons of sugar would the Queen take if she dropped by your home for some tea?” You’re high class! You did MUSICALS. How did this tragedy happen? (And are you wearing a PIECE on your head! Dear Lord!!?)

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If you become a C-lister and Dancing w/ the stars comes calling- run the other way. You'll be kicked off week 1- guaranteed

Yesterday wasn’t all tragedy. Moon & I, of course, broke it down Vanity Fair style with two of our fav gals:

Friend #1: Rob is redeemed–look how high off the ground he’s jumping.
Friend #2: Umm…can you imagine Rob as they were instructing him what to do?
UC: he probably listened intently, just in case the Queen showed up
Friend #2: He is probably smoking in that picture where his face is obstructed.
Friend #1: he was shiizzzzzing himself.
Friend #2: That’s why they picked that pic. They couldn’t let the ciggy show.

Friend #1: have you seen the harry potter special features where he talks about having to dance at the ball? he HATES dancing. but dude did this…he knew he better.
UC: dude would LOVE grinding up on me
Friend #2: what about the mattress mambo? that’s sort of a dance

She’s right! The mattress mambo IS a ‘sort-of’ dance. And I bet you’re the Mambo-King!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: I have this crazy fear suspicion that your face in Pic #1 is your “O-face,” and I just wanna throw it out there that I’ll still do the mattress mambo with you. You can even throw your hands up in the air like you just don’t care (as if you’re gonna have much control of yourself in that moment. I happen to kick ass at, uh,  dancing.)

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Thanks, as always, to the fab four (I am in the fab four, so I just thanked myself), Robsessed for the HQ pics and JBell for the caption on the first pic!

851 Commented


Need help with that?

Dear Rob,

For awhile now my girls and I have been under the suspicion that you might be a little inexperienced when it comes to your sex being on fire.  Not to say we think you have your v-card or anything.. no no no.  We’re pretty sure you’ve experienced a LOT of fabulous drunken-night 4:30am sex on the kitchen floor (while TomStu was prob passed out on the couch) and plenty of bathroom-in-a-restaurant BJs from hot fangirls who offered.  And while we’re all for the occasional night of a drunken hook-up in the back of a cab following 8 shots of patron, we’re also willing to admit that lots of 22-year-old drunk sex does not equate you to an experienced lover. So, is your sex on fire? Or is it mere embers?

Hey- we’re not judging if it isn’t. We discuss frequently that we’re HAPPY to teach you the ropes. Again, this has all been suspicion.. until this picture appeared:

sloppykiss

And our worst suspicions were confirmed. The following are clips from our conversation:

Friend #1: It’s as I feared- This is painful. That is the WORST pressing of the lips I’ve ever seen! Oh, dear…Oh, Rob…He needs me to give him lessons.
Me: I’d kiss his sloppy lips anyday
Friend #1: I despise sloppy kissing- I don’t care if it is Rob. You come at me with gross liplocks like that and I’ll poke my arse out- KISS THAT!
Friend #2:  LOL! Those lips are so LOL worthy in that pic. I agree- the WORST. After you teach him, can I have a turn?
Moon:  Smooooshie lips. Looks either painful or with a lot of force… I might look that way if i had to kiss KStew too.

We’ve passed ideas back and forth on how we would best “teach” you the ways of a woman- we’ve considered ideas from showing you that Friends’ episode where Monica draws the SEVEN erogenous zones on a woman (and yes, there are 7) to the four of us mud wrestling to see who wins dibs on being “the teacher.”

We finally settled on the most fair idea- Spin the Bottle. By playing S.T.B., it ensures that all four of us get equal opportunity to teach you the secrets of lip-locking. And let me tell you, Rob… these girls are good. Believe me, I know!*

I know what you’re thinking, “how selfless of UnintendedChoice, ThemoonisDown and their friends to sacrifice themselves and teach me how to be a better lover.” And you’re right- it IS selfless of us.  So you should think long and hard (that’s what she said) about what to do to thank us for our generosity. (Hint- watch that Friends video I posted above- there are seven ideas right there…)

Wanna know how the night ends? Well, it will be you and I playing 7 minutes in heaven (I won the mud-wrestling competition for that privilege), but let me warn you, we end up using 173 minutes more than we’re supposed to…

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*That’s not true, I have only met Moon in real-life and we’ve never kissed. But let me promise you, next time I visit her I’m loading her up with Patron and planting a big one on her lucious lips, Nikki Reed-style.

831 Commented


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