We’re back and we break down the (hairless) elephant in the room

Dear Rob,

We’ve finally come to terms with what you did and we’re ready to deal with it. Of course we’re referring to the fact you adopted a dog instead of a cat…………… Kidding we’re talking about your hair. DUH. I love dogs.

Let’s break it down!

Avert your eyes

The one about HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Moon: here’s the thing either somehow he got cursed in the last month or some of his dude friends cut it for him when they were drunk cause buzzed hair rob in dec 2009 (sad i know the date) was NOT BAD!! like it was cute! but this… oh this… it just looks WEIRD like how do you make him look bad? by doing THAT
Moon: its like when sam was buzzing it he decided to invent a new hairline too
UC: I have to admit i saw one picture.. Wait back up I heard about it cuz it was revealed where.. Golden Globes? i saw the tweets I heard the screams… etc. etc.
Moon: people’s choice awards
UC: and i was like “What is the big deal.. it’s hair.. i bet it’s fine…”  and so I didn’t look
Moon: i mean some people like it… i also dont think theyre telling the truth but ya know
UC: and then…. I looked AND IT WAS HORRIBLE I mean… HORRIBLE

See!!! The shaved head CAN look good

UC: you’re right. Buzz cut of 2009 (i remember the day I saw that- is that sad? Don’t answer that) was fine. drastic different sure we DID just have the greasy but sometimes delightful sex hair but it was fine THIS however is atrocious I don’t even care what anyone says
Moon: something is just wrong i cant put my finger on it. nor do i want to
UC: Like… it’s a military buzz cut right? one of our hot tub delivery guys just got one. he looks pretty smokin’
UC: Chattum tanning can give ME a military buzz cut he looks so dayum fine… but ROB? ROB looks ….

Why'd I do this to myself!? I don't know... wanna do it?

The one where I come up with the test
Moon: ok here’s the test
Moon: you’re at a bar. you’ve had ONE drink… ron comes up to chat with you (cause that happens) buys you ONE MORE drink… then wants to knock the boots. REMINDER he has that hair… Would you still DO HIM???
Moon: HONESTLY
UC: wait… it’s ROB?
UC: like ROB pattinson just with horrible hair? or does he just look like Rob (used to look) with bad hair is he wearing a hat? with a beanie? maybe even a dr. suess hat? I might do it if he had a dr. seuss hat
Moon: NO! rob with this hair. its ron night of peaples coice awards hair, same outfit. nothing can change.
UC: ew
UC: omg
UC: ummm
Moon: THIS GUY
Hey you, me… wanna go?
UC: how drunk am I?
Moon: two drinks. only one on ron’s tab
UC that’s not very drunk- i have a high tolerance so far in 2012
Moon: exactly
UC: omg… i mean.. he does not look good but it’s Rob ya know?
Moon: no he doesn’t. but the memories remain???
UC: i think…
UC: like he has elf ears
Moon: his ears make him look like one of those scotch fold cats
UC: I think…. as long as his breath doesn’t smell like stale beer, I’d probably be all in. I mean… he’d STILL have a british accent
Moon: true, he does.

It's sooo haaard to say goodbyeee to yesterdaaaay

Moon: and he’d still be rob from gq days
UC: and a small 93 beat-up BMW to whisk me away in… right.. i bet under the cover he IS that guy (actually i don’t bet that at all…. i’ve written about it many a time)
Moon: oh THAT TOO! how could i forget
Moon: if you suggested i bet he’s even spring for in n out on the way home
UC: i could make my animal style joke I’ve been saving for him…. (‘can we do it animal style”)
Moon: HA *rim shot*
UC: thank you…. i’ll be here all week
Moon: SEE even looking like that we would still do it. THIS IS WHY HE DOES THIS STUFF!!! he can get away with it he can get it in and look like a vagrant
Moon: so youre down with having sex with a scotch fold earred ron…
. 

See even this isn't that bad!

The one where we find out how easy I am
UC: what about YOU?
Moon: oh, i was in from drink one
UC: hahhaa
Moon: i mean at this point… come on!
UC: so you’re saying if he showed up to one of your NEW hot events you’re throwing at your NEW hot job….you’d be lik e”he- nice to meet you, here’s my card, lets get it on. just let me say bye to my boss?”
Moon: EXACTLY what id say
Moon: peace out suckers or even hey here’s an empty table we can do it under we dont even need to leave the event KLASSY. hahahahah
UC: employee of the year
Moon: yup
Moon: sparkling water still counts as water right?
UC: haha

Hey guys, anyone have a hot pocket?

Moon: this is what rob looks like now
Moon: the ears
UC: hahahahahahahahhaa
UC: Id DEF do Rob if he looked like that
UC: anddddd i just admitted to wanting to do a cat
UC: great
Moon: HAHAHAAHAH you’re into bestiality.
Moon: and scene

Ok Rob, so that’s how we feel about it… weeks later. But I’m sure you knew what we’d say. Since it has been a few weeks hopefully I’ll casually bump into you in the produce section of Von’s and your hairs will have grown out to a respectable length and we can them thump melons together. In bed. IfyouknowwhatImsayin. You do.

YAY! ROB! We’re back!
Themoonisdown

PS Now I MUST INSIST you make it over to LTT today because you will DIE. Simply die it’s that good.

Yes, the hair. What say you? I mean do you HONESTLY like it??

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43 Commented

BUTTCRACK ROB

Dear Rob,

There was a rumor floating around on Twitter yesterday that your buttcrack would be starring in Bel Ami, the film (as opposed to Bel Ami, the book, which would be equally as awesome) which prompted cheers of joy heard around the globe, a twitter melt down, your grandmother to go into shock and me throwing my fist in the air, pumping it Jersey-style yelling, “BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB” in my office.

Apparently some lucky fans in Belgium got to see Bel Ami & spilled the details via twitter. My favorite twitter response goes to the entertaining: @Mama_Cougar:

with Moon’s tweet as a close second:

And the news got me thinking about your buttcrack- what will it look like? How much will we get to see? What will the angle be? Will it be portrayed in way that will make me want to pull a quarter out of my wallet and try to insert it down your backside (Bel Ami is in 3D right?) Will it be attractive? Will it be (yuck) hairy? Did you shave the morning you knew what scene you would be shooting? Did you get little red bumps afterward? Will we see the red bumps on screen? Or Did you get your buttcrack waxed? Who made the appointment? Did you get a waxist recommendation from your mom? What was the reaction of the butt waxer when she saw whose ass she was about to de-hair? Was she shaking? Did she accidentally pull some leghairs off instead because she was so nervous? Did she try to convince you to get lazer hair removal on your ass? Can you even DO lazer on a buttcrack?

After pondering all that for a bit, I did a little “research” into “Rob Pattinsons’ Buttcrack” of days gone by. We have seen it before, you know:

There was Buttcrack Brazil  which was sadly overshadowed by Jumping Rob & all his adventures.

We’ve seen the TSA Buttcrack Adventure where even the major news media (aka TMZ) took interest

And who could forget the Buttcrack and Black Dots experience when you were filming New Moon in Italy?

We’ve even been lucky enough to get a Buttcrack on the Bearskin in the past

But as you can see- we’re due for a GOOD LONG LOOK a the real thing. None of this “just the tip [of the buttcrack]” None of this blurry screencap nonsense. Stop teasing us so! I want a big ol’ SHOT of the glorious thing. I want a camera ZOOM and a cinematography SWEEP. I want the composer to write an orchestral masterpiece for the moment when it’s revealed! [Now throw your fist up in the air and pump with me]

BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB, BUTTCRACK ROB!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Are YOU exciting to see Rob’s buttcrack?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

35 Commented

New Year’s Rob-solutions for 2012!

New Year, new calendar of old pictures!

Dear Rob,

We’ve made it another year, it’s 2012! So of course that means it’s time to see how we did on 2011′s resolutions to see whether the people who wanted us to fail won or if WE won (spoiler: we didn’t!). Let’s take a look back shall we?

.
.
1. We want to meet Rob

Verdict – FAIL! Thanks for Mike Welch. I think we all remember me being Rob blocked on the Red Carpet at this years Breaking Dawn Premiere… will I ever live down the infamous “ROB!!! ROOOOBBB!!! ROOOOOBBBBB!!” as Mike Welche stands two inches from me being interviewed. OH WELL!
UC/Moon: 0
People who want us to fail: 1
Mike Welch: 1

2. We resolve for Rob to mention us or something we’ve said in an interview like he did with Leno and emails from his dad! We need a fuckyearyangosling moment! (Ryan Gosling read some “FuckYeahRyanGoslings” in an MTV interview! Be still my heart!) Or someone needs to show him Rob Porn during an interview. And not the kind where his face is superimposed over a porn star’s naked body! He needs to read a caption over his picture about alphabetizing romance novels. Or asking for directions.
Verdict – FAIL! Well, since we didn’t get to meet or ask one measly question on the red carpet this didn’t happen… BUT if by Rob signing our pal’s RON poster at the premiere counts as an inside joke or ours then YES! There’s always this year!
UC/Moon: 0
People who want us to fail: 2
Mike Welch: 1

We're your biggest fans!!! Not you Rob... Norm's.

3. We resolve for Moon & Amber from Rob My world to start their own Norman’s Rare Guitar’s street team. It’s basically started- one day, not so long ago on my PERSONAL Facebook, I noticed both Moon AND Amber had “Liked” the Norman’s Rare Guitar’s page. Of course it wasn’t random. It was on the day Rob was seen buying a new guitar. And of course within 10 minutes there were 20 people commenting who know exactly why they liked that obscure California shop!
Verdict – Half fail, because while there was no street team Amber and I did “share” and comment to each other on all Norm’s Rare Guitars Facebook posts. So essentially we’re Norm’s most active users so because of that this is a win!
UC/Moon: 1
People who want us to fail: 2
Mike Welch: 1

Nope, still pretty hot

4. Try not to be turned on by the sight of Rob near a huge smelly pile of elephant crap during the water for elephants premiere!
Verdict – Total fail. I don’t know about UC but pretty much any time Rob was on screen during Water for Elephants I thought he was hot… well minus the cross dressing/clown look in that one scene
UC/Moon: 1
People who want us to fail: 3
Mike Welch: 1

5. To be less annoyed at Rob’s disappearance from my life- or maybe just for him to show up.. ANYWHERE! To go for lunch and undies shopping with TomStu again!!! Maybe buy a hot pocket in public! Get lost near a church, Break up with KStew or admit he actually has a cardboard tent in his living room. He could try a new girlfriend out for awhile. Maybe check himself into rehab. ANYTHING! Literally ANYTHING. We’ll take it! Maybe be seen out in public with MULTIPLE different women. Be a player for a few days! How about he sleeps with me a fan? Take advantage of me the plethora of attractive girls into him! He would get major me HOT tail (or at least me attractive game on week nights!) And he wouldn’t even have to buy them gifts! Or remember their names! No one expects that at all. They just expect to steal a dirty sock and leave. Or maybe twitpic his O-face. Or audio-record his moans. Or snores. Or the sound his teeth make while chewing on a hot pocket while in bed……(I haven’t put much thought into that. At all)

Verdict – I’m going to count this one as a win. There were times we were definitely annoyed that he disappeared but I think after three years we’ve figured out Rob likes to pull disappearing acts so we’re not terribly surprised when he up and leaves us for WEEKS on end. Thanks Rob… but I guess he should also know by now that those are the times when we get to make up the craziest stuff about him. So take your pick friend.
UC/Moon: 2
People who want us to fail: 3
Mike Welch: 1

Final count on 2011′s Robsolutions? UC/Moon: 2, People who want us to fail: 3 and Mike Welch: 1. So suck it Mike Welch we beat you by ONE in our OWN Rob-solutions. But you still won where it counted… on the black carpet! AHHH!!!!
So since we’re all about failing let’s make some NEW Rob-solutions for 2012 and see if we can beat that blasted Mike Welch at his own game. Who can we cock block on the red carpet?! KIDDING.

2012 New Year’s Rob-solutions 

1. Since we’re also glutton’s for punishment we’re going to try to talk to Rob again on the red carpet and Mike Welch be damned. If it involves stilts and a megaphone we’ll do whatever it takes. So if you’re going to be at BD2 premiere bring your ear plugs and riot gear cause “ROB!!! ROOOOBBB!!!” Part 2 will be in full effect.

Yup, we'll be seeing this... first (or like 1000th) in line!

2. We are resolving to see all of Rob’s movies in a timely fashion this year, like in the first week they release. So yes, Bel Ami even after our apathy with you, we will be there with corsets and bells on. Cause we love Rob… even when he looks all sweaty and syphilis-y.

3.  Ok, since we know Rob signed the Ron poster and we’re hoping he just doesn’t need new glasses we resolve that we want someone in Rob’s family or a cast member/work friend to call him Ron in some sort of public arena. If our iPhone autocorrect turns Rob into Ron then theirs must too!

4. We’re going to perfect our eye sex game so we can creep out Sam Bradley more than he creeps out us with his special brand of eye sex at an upcoming concert. *shudder*

5. With a straight face, cover one of Rob’s songs at Karaoke night. If one of his is not available, and let’s face it they probably won’t be at 98% of karaoke places, we must cover a song that is special to Rob/Robsten (ie Sex on Fire, Breath Me, anything by Van Morrison)  and dedicate it to him on the mic.

Rob, what are your thoughts on world peace? Stephanie, stop laughing!

6. Attempt to get an interview with Robert Pattinson at an upcoming press junket for one of these movies we don’t think the entire foreign press league and Mario Lopez will be at. If we get it then proceed to have violent nausea for 4 days prior to the event because we don’t know what we’ve gotten ourselves into. IF the interview happens to be in London we will also do a Rob tour of the city, see all the sights, stalk his parents and give them flowers and a card and ask if he made good on that promise to get them a new boiler for Christmas. We’ll take a video camera along of course. We’ll also leave our shame at the airport.

7. Only say nice things about you Ron in 2012………….. JUST KIDDING! Never going to happen, I’m pretty sure I already blew that in this post anyway. We love you too much to slobber all over you 24/7 anyway.

So as you can see we’re going to fail a lot this year but some of this WILL happen in 2012… what will they be? Only time and twelve months will tell. Here’s hoping we get to see the Patinson’s new boiler first hand.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Moon & UC

Any Rob-solutions we should add to the list? Besides really wanting him to do a new photo shoot?
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11 Commented

How NOT to pick up women in Los Angeles, Rob

A how to NOT guide

Dear Rob,

I was just reading the Los Angeles magazine ”The LA Woman” edition (yea, I’m a little behind) and I came across a cute little one pager called “How to pick up a local lady” by Stacey Grenrock Woods in which she writes out 1o different scenarios for picking up an Angelino lady. So since you’ve been around these parts for some time now AND since you seem to the man about town these days with ladies and men and whoever I thought this might be a good little read for you… only me being a lady of LA myself have a bit of advice should you choose to exercise any of these tips with possible answer you would receive…

No. 1
Tell her that you caught her guest spot on Rizzoli & Isles. When she says you’re mistaken, admit that you thought she looked too upmarket for television and should really be focusing on film. After sighing that these rum launch parties can be awfully tedious, suggest the two of you go somewhere quiet where she can vent about her manager.

Her answer: You’re a douche bag. Get away from me.

Does my compost pile turn you on??

No. 3
Compliment her on her straw fedora and ask if she’d like another Diet Coke and vodka. Tell her you think CityWalk has become too commercial but that you know some “ultrahip” spots on the Eastside and the mixologists who work at them. Remind her that she can never have too much material for her vlog.

Her answer: First of all CityWalk has always been commercial that’s like it’s whole reason for being. No one goes there who isn’t a tourist or doesn’t have to go to Universal City for something. Also if you use the words “ultrahip” and “mixologist” in the same sentence you’re not talking about anything on the Eastside. TRUST ME. Oh and do me.

No. 4
Tell her you’re impressed that someone as petite as she can put away so much deep-fried bone marrow. Remark that, although this gastropub has 5,000 craft beers, the platings are a bit too Top Chef for your taste. Offer to take her to a pho-and-Belgian-waffle truck that no one knows about yet.

Her answer: Do me on top of Belgian-waffle truck. NOW.

No. 5
Confess that you find the Twilight books to be a taut blend of fantasy and myth. Would she like to hear some verse you’ve been working on? Recite Poe’s “To Helen,” changing “The glory that was Greece” to “The glory that was Forks, Washington.” Squinting pensively, tell her this bus stop is altogether too bright and suggest you both go back to your place to talk about the undead.

Her answer: Wait… aren’t you??? *looks around* Wtf is this??? Oh and DO ME.

I've got a dog... and a mountain man for a best friend. Let's do it.

No. 6
Pick up her dog and give it a big kiss on the mouth. Wonder why so many people are put off by Chinese cresteds—they’re the cutest things you’ve ever seen. Tell her you’ve heard that a lot of unneutered pit bulls come to this dog park and that you know of a better one with hand sanitizer stations and free biodegradable bags.

Her answer: Put down that dog and do me.

No. 7
Compliment her on her crocheted minidress. Say it reminds you of the one your mother used to wear back in the Haight. Tell her she’s by far the most stylish person in this entire Urban Outfitters and offer to drive her through Topanga Canyon and show her where Devendra Banhart lives.

Her answer: You really just compared me to your MOM while we’re standing in an URBAN OUTFITTERS? I’ll forget that if when we get to Devendra’s you leave.

No. 10
Lock your purple fixed-gear bike to a parking meter and ask her where she got that beautiful tattoo of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s signature because you’ve been thinking of getting one just like it. Is it the same artist who did Ashlee Simpson’s work? Inquire if she wants to grab a community-supported grain bowl at Café Gratitude.

Her answer: If you think I’m the kind of person who would go to the same tattoo artist as a Simpson sister, clearly I’m not the girl you’ll be happy with. Now do me before you go find her at the Oakwood Apartments in a one bedroom apartment with 7 roommates looking to make her big break. (LA jokes!)

Ok, so clearly most of us ladies in LA would probably DO YOU even if you used some of these AWFUL pick up lines. I mean Bear could pee on my leg at the aforementioned dog park and I’d probably still do you on a bench at the dog park. I’m not proud of it (as I blog about it for the world) but hey, I’m just here to tell you these lines don’t work and you just know LA better than this if you’re going to attempt a pick up line about Los Angeles. My advice? Just stick with the bumbling british persona and let your accent do the talking.

Do me now!
Themoonisdown

Source: LA Magazine

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8 Commented

Stuff we STILL don’t know about Rob

Dear Rob,

After doing research last week for our 3 year anniversary letters and Moon’s anniversary present (more on that later), I came across posts & pictures that reminded me that I STILL didn’t know the story or details behind a certain situation. And, well, you’d think after 3 years of following your ever move I’d know a lot more. So, in no particular order, here are some pressing questions I have about your life.

What happened to Patty? Did she die from old age, happy in her dog bed, chewing on the Hot Pocket toy you gave her last time you were home?

Rob gets drunk with a kid too young to be drunk with him

WHO was that ginger kid you got drunk with on New Years Eve 2008 and WHAT were you doing with him? Is he a relative of the Weasley’s?

Why did you REALLY get kicked out of school?

Did you lose your virginity to Cho Chan?

Nikki Reed, really? How high WERE you?

What do you DO when you’re not being photographed? I cannot imagine you stay inside the other 335 days out of the year when the paps don’t catch you. How do you stock the fridge? Do you have a housekeeper & caregiver? How do you get new clothes? Are you an Amazon Prime member?

of COURSE Tom was there!

Whatever happened with you & Nina Schubert, your “great love story for 3 years?” And WHERE is she? Why is she not on TV & shit proclaiming that she knows what you look like down there? Why hasn’t she posed for Playboy yet? “ROB PATTINSON’S GIRLFRIEND KISSES & TELLS, WHILE NAKED”

How did you REALLY meet the Brit Pack? I know you say you were “introduced” but by whom? Your counselors at “reform camp?” Where you got sent after getting kicked out of school for some unknown reason?

What do you DO with all your money? Do you dabble in the stock market? How are your mutual funds looking? Are you aggressively investing? 20% in foreign marketings, 30% in bonds? 50% in tech stocks? When you look at foreign markets, are you looking HERE in the states, or back home in Britain?

Rob just needs to get some Yen

Speaking of that, are you richer HERE in the US than if you were living at home? Since 1 pound is worth more than 1 dollar currently. Does that confuse you? It confuses me. Do you carry pounds in your wallet AND dollars? Do you use that Currency Exchange stand in the international terminal at the airports? Do you collect currency from all the places you visit? I have some old pesos I can send you, if so. I mean the kind used BEFORE the peso the current Mexico uses. They’re probably worth something.

Do your friends call you “Ron” now too after giving up on teaching their iPhones it’s “Rob,” not “Ron?”

What are your parents doing in their retirement?

How grossed out are your sisters by the female obsession over you? Do they buy you things like the Edward Cullen Body Pillow as Christmas presents just to embarrass you? Is “Edward Cullen” like the new “Claudia?” Do you wish they’d just go back to calling you “Claudia” instead? Have they ever tried “Claudia Cullen?” (you’re welcome for the suggestion, Lizzy & Victoria, obvious readers of LTR, because who wouldn’t want to read a blog gushing over your little brother?)

Anyway, Rob, just a few questions I have about your life, even 3 years later.

Get back to me when you can,
UnintendedChoice

What questions do YOU have about Rob’s life?

Run, not walk, to LTT today. JUST DO IT.

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23 Commented