Rob out in West Hollywood: The Untold story

Dear Rob,

You, your bushy beard, uni-brown & friends were caught in West Hollywood the other day. This is the untold story:

Robert Pattinson, sad because they were out of wings at Jimmy Fallon’s Emmy after-party, wanted to leave. Or that’s what he told his entourage. And they bought it. Because, well, it’s pretty believable. But in reality he was bummed out because that hunk from The Good Wife didn’t recongize him & he thought he was pretty famous these days. He thought he was Ted Danson’s teenage son. And Rob was also a little bit perturbed because after returning from the bar, Sam Bradley did a double take, circled him & checked out his ass.

So he just decided to leave, with or without the entourage. Leaving in a pack would just make that guy from “The Good Wife” even more convinced he could score an autograph from his dad for his Cheers beer mug. All the while, the security guard is thinking:

Damn- I knew this vampire kid was popular, but this is ridiculous, I just dodged some granny panties, glitter, a vodka shirt, some deoderant and someone’s prostetic leg. This is bananas…… wait did I just hear some yell “sparklepeen?” What in the Sam Hill’s a “sparklepeen?”

Rob makes his way out onto the streets of West Hollywood, where no one mistakes him for the son of Ted:

Rob: You… YOU!!! someones got a hold of my arm… here let me use your hand mr security gaurd.better… YOU…. hey…i like that holey shirt you’re wearing, can i have that? no? ok, do you have a cigarette then? No…?

Meanwhile Stephenie Ritz can be heard saying:

Ouch. ouch. ouch. Oh god there’s antoher one. Hold my hand, Rob!

The gang needs to get out of there. And quick. They start to pick up the pace when suddenly something stops them in their tracks:

Rob: Booooooooobs!
Stephenie: Wow… they are nice….. forget bitchface. This is my boobface.

But the distraction only lasts for so long…. pretty soon they are attacked by pens & a ream of photo paper from Costo

Pap 1: Please Mr. Pattinson- my daughter is a fan of you as a vampire. I swear I won’t auction off your autograph for $1,000 on ebay- I will put it immediately into my daughter’s Twilight book
Pap 2: He’s lying. I’m gonna be straight with you. I was gonna tell you I wanted your John Hancock for my neice, but in reality, it’s for my wife….Come on.. it’ll just take a second.

TomStu: I could sign it. I was in Pirate Radio… naked

The paps ignore Tom & finally Rob obliges them, after he walks square into a bush. But first he asks for 20-25 or so sheets of paper from Pap #1. The other day he wanted to make a grocery list but couldn’t find any paper. He had to use toilet paper. It was embarsasing. It got stuck on his shoe while he was waiting for a 1/2 lb of Hickory Smoked Turkey at the Deli counter.

But enough about cold cuts, shit hits the fan soon after

Guy in pic: Rob…. I’m sorry to tell you- people are starting to notice. You’ve been spotted
Rob: But I thought my overraction over the empty tray of hot wings distracted them?
Guy: normally it would but…Stephenie can’t hide it anymore….your secret is leaking out
Rob: Steph- just a few more steps. Try to get your boobface back.
Steph: think about boobs..think about boobs Ouch- boobs- I can’t– ouch.. boo–

And as the truth to their quick escape is revealed and the whispers start to spread, this security guard can’t contain his excitement and he breaks into song:

Excited Guard: WHEN THE MOOOOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THATS AMOREEEEE..
WHEN THE STARS START TO SHINE LIKE YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE… THATS AMOREEEEE (or what i like to call, Tuesday)

And then suddenly the secret is out- there is no denying what’s going on. Sure Rob was upset that he was called Rob Danson one too many times. Sure it sucked when they ran out of hot wings, but the true reason for the escape can no longer be hidden:

Stephenie Ritz is in labor. Yes, she is pregnant with Rob’s child. KStew is around just to take the spotlight off the REAL gossip. It happened just like you’d think- one night when Rob was crashing on Steph’s couch, Steph joined him. One thing led to another. They got out the Breaking Dawn script & they acted out the Isle Esme parts. And the rest is history.

We can call them Robanie. Or even Stephbert. The news is out- this is the real story……

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Pics Source

What do you think? Def a Steph/Rob love child happening? Are you as 2nd-hand embarassing as I am that Rob showed up to a Hollywood after-party looking like that? Dragging along his 2 bffs like he’s 5 years old and they’re his favorite teddy bears?!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

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The fakers are amazing

Stephanie Ritz- I made Rob Pattinson a US sensation. (actually, I think we have Mr. & Mrs. Pattinson to thank for THIS sensation)

Dear Rob,

You’ve made it- you know why? There are fake versions of you on Twitter. And they’re hilarious. This whole little fake world has been built. There’s a fake you, your manager Nick, agent Stephanie, your sister, your dog, Stephenie Meyer, TomStu, Kristen, Nikki Reed, all the girls you’ve rumored to have been with or impregnated, Paris Hilton… the list goes on and on! Best yet- they’re really good at pretending to do or say or “tweet” what you might actually do/so/tweet in real life. I’ve taken the liberty of jotting down my favorite tweets or convos I’ve seen in the past few weeks:

Quick Twitter lesson for the unfamiliar. You use the “@” followed by the username when you want to reply directly to someone! I’ve taken out the twitter names and used their real names- to make it easier to follow!

Nick Frenkel, Pimpin' and representin' since 2001

a

Starring:
Fake manager- Nick:
Fake Agent- StephanieR
FakeTomStu- Tom Sturridge (Your apparent bff)
Rob- YOU!

Most of these tweets are right before the Oscars and/or during the Oscars!

Nick: I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Nick: @Rob Practically a week of press without the words “inebriated” “drunk” or “stumbling” has been nice. Just a reminder.
Nick: @Rob Joaquin Phoenix is a self-important douche. I’m buying you a razor. We’ll discuss this later.

StephanieR: @Rob The only girl you need to make happy is ME. Now get a damn razor and shave. The girls love your jaw line. It makes the money.
StephanieR: Seeing this picture [of Rob] reminds me I need to schedule Rob an eyebrow wax before Sunday.

Nick: Have decided to tell Rob that the fans love the beard and he is not allowed to shave, period. That should ensure he shaves it off tomorrow.

StephanieR: Rob will be clean shaven. He cannot wear Prada with a beard. No, seriously, Prada said NO FACIAL HAIR with their tux.
StephanieR: @Nick Last time you said you had it covered, he ran off and got a buzz cut! And try to make sure the new tux is free of stains.

Nick: @TomStu Tom, stop crying. Sorry, you CANNOT walk the red carpet with Rob. And don’t drink and tweet…ever.
Nick: @Rob I’m on the way. I’m bringing a razor. I’ll tie you down if I have to. Prepare yourself.
Nick: @StephanieR Sturridge has been taken care of. You promised him a shot? What were you thinking? You know there’s no such thing as one

StephanieR: Must make sure he [Rob] doesn’t sneak a flask into the limo if he does wind up walking the Red Carpet. Can’t use the mouthwash excuse again.
StephanieR: @Rob Fine, you can have ONE shot bottle of Jack for the ride. That’s it. And please don’t spill any on that tux, it’s a rental!
StephanieR: is proud of Rob. He hasn’t been lying to me like the time he said he was using Invisalign and wasn’t; he really has been working out!
StephanieR: @Rob You are so lucky you are hot, and that teen fangirls have a low expectation of your personal hygiene habits.

The hilarity continues after the jump Continue…

768 Commented