Rob’s making a list and checking it twice!

Heeeeeeyyy Guys, it's Santa Rob!! Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

Dear Rob,

Since I’ve been in a tizzy trying to buy the rest of the Christmas prezzies on my list I got to wondering about what’s on yours list to get your family and friends. So we know you don’t go to any shops besides Norman’s Rare Guitars and unless his mom wants a vintage Fender you might want to expand your shopping horizons especially since Christmas (and Boxing Day) is right around the corner! So what IS on your list?

Dick – Regift him a brand spanking new pullover from a SWAG bag you received last year. “Borrow” (for forever) the same pullover from him in 5 years.

Clare – Advanced copy of Country Strong since she has a thing for Garrett Hedlund after seeing Tron.

The sisters – Advanced copy of Country Strong. See above

Your Grandparents – matching Jitterbug cell phones since you’re their official spokesperson and all.

Tom Sturridge – Tshirt with “Bros before hoes” on the front and “no really, I mean it!” on the back

Sam Bradley – copy of “Robert Pattinson’s guide to not creeping girls out when I sing by eye f*cking them till it’s awkward” and a new blazer from Dick’s closet and ONE hoop earring from Clare’s jewelry box.

Bobby Long – a bedazzeled bangs comb and a promise of never to mention his name ever ever again.

Perfect for framing and fireplace hanging

Taylor Lautner – Framed 16×20 of this picture –>

Kristen Stewart – new bearskin rug.

Looks like you’ll be busy this next week Rob, trying to locate rugs and blowing up pictures and writing a book about non-creepy looks. So you better get started I guess and we’ll sit here and watch these 4 seconds of awesome from a Water for Elephants teaser…

I won’t share how many times I’ve watched it.

Happy last minute Xmas shopping!

Who did Rob leave off his list? What should he get for Stephanie Ritz? What about Stephenie Meyer? Lots of Stephe/anie’s!

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96 Commented

Open Weekend Post Hosted by: TomStu and Taylor Lautner

Dear Rob,

Can you believe these two? Are they trying to make you jealous? Taylor and Tom doing a photoshoot together at the movies eating popcorn.  It’s like Tom knew just how to get to your heart. You two at the movies is like your standard Saturday afternoon bro date and now he’s picking up Taylor for a matinee instead of you?! If they’d had a 6pack of beer (you sneak it in) instead of the popcorn this would mean war. Thank God Taylor is underage so they have to settle for the family friends snacks but you better be careful. Taylor is a likable guy and if Tom starts hanging around Taylor house you may be seeing pictures of them at Olive Garden for the lunch special and then you’re really in trouble. How can you compete with Taylor’s Dad and his passion for sharing his love of chain restaurant Italian food?

You better watch your back and fly Dick over ASAP so you can go vintage car shopping and have him impart some of his special wisdom on Tom. This is your only chance!

Keep the bromance alive!

Happy Saturday! I’m currently flying all the way back to Los Angeles from Kenya! See you all soon!!! UC – I’m coming home!! You’re no longer a single blogger! xo, moon

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24 Commented

Roblosophy: Rob’s Fans – Does anyone love you, Rob?

Do they love me? Do they love me not?

Dear Rob,

On the heels of yet another misunderstood and supposedly mean spirited post (*cough* not at all *cough*) about your costar Nikki Reed and her new mystery tattoo I got to thinking about you. Why when we poke fun and rag on you till the cows come home does no one bat an eye? Why doesn’t anyone stick up for you when we tease you like grade schoolers?

We’ve called you some crazy stuff over the past year and a half, we’ve insinuated (and flat out said) you’re gay on numerous occasions. Then we said you’re asexual. We’ve said you watch porn in a basement with the bff you buy underwear with. We call your dad Dick (we love you Dick!). We keep up the charade that you smell like a junior high boys locker room. We knock your sexual prowess at every turn. And we’ve even posted comics about how your face looks like a foot. And yet no real backlash. No emails calling us hookers who hate men. No tweets about how we’re stupid hags who hate Rob but love Taylor Lautner. No comments about us being jealous of Rob or how we’ve stepped over the line.

I’ll wait while you make this your new desktop wallpaper

And yet we can say one off handed thing about Kristen, or even today we can make up totally FAKE tattoo ideas based on things fans have said about Nikki Reed and the crazies come out of the woodwork to tell us we’re awful people.

Why do you think that is Rob? Do people think you’re a big boy who can handle himself and the jokes we make about you? Do you not have committed enough fans like the Krisbians or even Nikki Reeds lovers (we need to make up a name for you ladies) to have your back for everything, no matter what. NO.MATTER.WHAT.

I can’t begin to believe that’s true. Your fans will do practically anything for you. They build shrines and human shaped Rob pillows with your face on them. If anyone is committed it’s YOUR fans. But why don’t they raise hell for you over the dumbest stuff? Like pretty much everything we say about you. Are your fans too busy making Rob porn or staring at their cardboard cutouts of Edward in the closet (where they belong!) to be bothered by it? Or are they just in on the joke and understand it’s all in the name of good fun? It is the internet after all. This is the place where gopher’s can be famous for throwing some side eye over their shoulder, or where there’s a site totally devoted to awkward family photos. It’s supposed to be ridiculous, right?

Or maybe you’ve proven yourself in public, in interviews,  and at events that you’re good natured and can poke fun at yourself, whereas some of the other people we joke about aren’t quite as comfortable with themselves in a public forum? I don’t really know but I want to know what all YOUR fans think out there. Why is there such a staunch backing and support for people like Kristen and Nikki and some others but when it comes to you it’s anything goes? Riddle me that, Rob. Or rather have your fans tell me.

But seriously, the foot thing? Still makes me laugh,

Tell me what you think. Why the outrage when we poke fun at someone else but when we diss Rob, no biggie? What should we call the staunch Nikki Reed supporters?

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213 Commented

Rob’s Mailbag: Our Intern answers his mail

Dear Rob- Since we run twi blogs dedicated to writing letters every day, we’re pretty busy and we need help from time to time. So that’s why we’ve enlisted you as our trusty LTR intern. We need someone to do all the grunt work we’re too busy to do. Like making manicure appointments, photoshopping you into compromising positions with your BFF’s, keeping the shelves stocked with nutritious food (Gin) and answering your mail. And now that you’re in LA it’s much easier for you to clock at least 40 hours a week in the offices (my bedroom). Thanks for tackling some of the mail in your mailbag, it was beginning to get in the way of UC’s back issues of Cat Fancy. Thx- Your Boss (moon)

Get me a coffee!

Dear Robert Pattinson,

You are such a great actor, your such a talented man. It may sound creepy but I think about you every day. I think about how cool it would be to meet you. My parents say your really busy and probably never could, but I always have hope! I’m not one of those fans that would scream your name so much your eardrums would blow, because I really do care about you, even though I don’t personally know you. I always sit in my room and think “How am I supposed to meet him, or even talk to him?” But now I know maybe ‘Letters to Rob” would help me with it!!!! When people ask me if I’m on Team Edward or Team Jacob, I say of course Team Edward!!!! But I feel bad because most people are on Team Jacob because of looks? i think your actually the better looking one. ( No offence to Taylor.) And I want you to always know that you have a fan like me, that likes you for who you are.(:

– I love you Robert Pattinson <3 please write back!!!!

This is all they want from me, Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Your parents are wrong. Learn this lesson now. I am not too busy to write you back. In fact it’s quite the opposite, I’m just supposed to look important and busy. But in actuality these bitches here have me busy answering your emails and getting them cupcakes and filing their nails for them while they watch Ryan Gosling movies on repeat.

Besides Moon and UC holding a squirt gun filled with Gin to my head and yelling that this is “me time” so I need to reply to their emails in silence with my shirt off. Who knows why, I stopped asking after having to take 5 showers one day from all the Gin bathes they gave me. Hell, I know I said I don’t shower often but I drive like a blind grandma as it is, I don’t need a DUI when the cop pulls me over because because my clothes are drenched in dry Gin.

All this to say I really wanted to write you back to thank you for NOT screaming at events. Recently on a trip to Costco (Moon and UC needed more Gin, a half gallon pump top of Pantene, life with your legs, and a wholesale size box of Mint Milanos) I had my hearing tested in that booth next to the eye glasses and they told me that I had the hearing of 65 year old man. So essentially because of being a Vampire I now have the hearing equivalent of my dad. So thank you for keeping it under a dull roar if you ever saw me.

Thanks for being who YOU are Morgan!

PS Show your Team Jacob friends the Alpaca picture next time they’re talking about who’s hotter, Edward or Jacob. That’ll show them! TRUST ME!

1. What is it like when you kiss kirstin, what do you feel?
2. Are You Really Dating?

-jack bates

Like kissing this thing. Maybe.

Dear Jack,

1. Like I’m kissing a big loquat crumble right on the mouth. Or like licking an oil slick at the Jiffy Lube. Or maybe it’s like kissing any other costar I have (see #2!)
2. You above all people should know that the allure of KristEN and I is in the mystery of whether we’re together or not. You care so much you’re emailing these girls who blog about me hoping that me, their intern will tell you the truth about Rob and KristEN. But I just can’t do that man then you’ll stop wondering about #1 and we just can’t have that now, can we?

Kristen’s boyfriend/costar/fuckbuddy/I’ll never tell Rob

Do you have a letter for Rob that he needs to answer? Email him here! Or you can just email us a letter ABOUT Rob. Our Intern. What other intern task should he be doing? Crank faxing Nick & Stephanie?

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114 Commented

My Confession: Rob finally becomes Edward Cullen in Eclipse

*SPOILER ALERT! As if you would expect anything different after we’ve just seen Eclipse for the first time!*

Oh heeeeeey there Edward Cullen!

Dear Rob,

I have a confession to make: I’ve never truly thought of you as Edward Cullen. I know, right? A year and a half later and I’m just telling you this? Hear me out…  I’ve always thought of Edward Cullen from the books as a different person than the Edward Cullen you play in the films. Sure, they have the same name and share some of the same lines but there’s something about the book version and your portrayal that were just not the same to me. I can’t completely pinpoint why that is, it just is.

But tonight I think you got it. Or at least the beginnings of whatever IT is. While watching Eclipse for the first time there were moments when I watched you and I thought, wow he’s Edward Cullen right now, not just Rob playing Edward Cullen.

We should really protect your virtue, and this gold brocade bedding from any accidents

Like when Edward and Bella had the modernity talk on that blasted gold brocade bedspread about not wanting to have sex before marriage. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her and want to do such things it just went against his nature and how he was brought up and what time period his values and morals came from. I’m pretty sure I swooned hard with the talk about chaperoned walks and stolen kisses. Hey, I’m an Austen-Regency-era lover, I can’t help it.  And I even tried to block the image of Joshua Harris Kissing Dating Goodbye when you mentioned courting, but there was something just SO Edward Cullen about it all. A little bit old fashioned, a little bit shy, a little bit sweet and a whole lot of Edward all wrapped into one on that awful bedspread.


Though there were many times your dialogue felt stilted and awkward, thought most of the time (and we’ll talk about this later) that awkwardness and stunted dialogue was between you and Kristin, you really did shine this time around. Even when your portrayal of him felt very outside of the book-Edward we know, for instance like when you got angry and shook Jacob or when you let Bella ride off with Jacob on the bike, though what was WAY outside of book-Edwards boundaries and character, it still felt like it could have been a possibility. And maybe you tapped into something that book-Edward was needing all along. A little more danger? A little more emotion? I don’t know but I was feeling it. Your whole performance and the movie as a whole was way more refined, way more drilled down than the previous films, less neon bug eyes and more soft around the edges.

Just thinking about "courting"

I’ve always wondered if Stephenie Meyer felt the same way about seeing actors portray characters she’d had in her mind long before any actor ever brought them to life on celluloid. Did you guys live up to those characters in her mind or are they two separate things. Maybe I’ll just have to call up our new BFF and pretend to be JK Rowling with a lost alternate ending to Harry Potter so she’ll take my call and see if she agrees with me.

But for tonight as we close in on 4am I’ll just say good job. Now to figure out when I can see the movie again and who I can send a letter to to ask the caterer to slip a Valium in yours and Kristen’s lunch of coffee and cigarettes before you film any scenes together in Breaking Dawn with dialogue. Help us.

Team Edward!

PS But seriously, Edward in the snowy mountain scene? You looked 3D or animated or CGI-ed into a snow globe (Snow Globeward?). We HAVE to talk about that some day.

SOOOO what’d you think? Have you seen IT yet?! Have you always pictures Rob at Edward Cullen or am I alone in this one?

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129 Commented

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