Where is Robert? An offensive App…

Rob, pass this letter along to Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, creator of the iPhone 4 you undoubtably gave up trying to learn how to use and gave to TomStu who probably thought it was a beer coaster

Dear Steve Jobs,

I caught wind via the encyclopedia of the 21st century (aka Twitter) that there was a new iPhone app that tracked Rob Pattinson’s whereabouts called “Where is Robert?”. Immediately intrigued, I hopped on over to the App store & purchased it for a whopping $0.99. After perusing it’s features: The Rob Tracker, Rob Trivia & Rob Pictures, I sat down to pen this letter to you. And look out. I’m not happy.

Burgers? WHERE? Beirut?

This app is completely offensive. First of all, the map with Rob’s whereabouts doesn’t even link to the locations. What kind of tracker is this? Now, I’ve been to the Hotel Cafe in LA looking for Rob, but what if I hadn’t? What if I was from Beirut & opened up my app all excited to find out where Robert Pattinson was on Wednesday July 14th. I have no idea where the Hotel Cafe is. I’m from Beirut. What if there is a hotel cafe in downtown Beirut that I assume Rob is at? I get all excited, I slip into my highest heels, my shortest skirt & a push up bra and put on my dark red lipstick, preparing to woo Rob by the bar in his hotel. “Heineken” sounds so sexy in Beiruitan. But I don’t get a change to whisper “Heineken” to Rob because he’s NOT in Beirut and the Hotel Cafe turns out to be a brothel & I end up working as a high class prostitute for the rest of my life. How do you like that!? Alllllll because you refused to link on the map of Rob’s whereabouts.

Another reason I’m offended is because the app didn’t even accept my submission under the link “Rob Moved.” “In My Pants” is TO A valid location for Rob to be. I even figured out the exact GPS coordinates where my pants were at that exact moment. That took me about 7 minutes. And my submission was REJECTED as INVALID. I will never have those 7 minutes back again.

The offenses never end: Turns out the pictures section I was so excited about? LAMEEEEEEEEEEEE. Give me something I don’t have stored on my 3 external harddrives, specific for Rob pics & videos. Well, okay.. this picture was a nice addition. It’s been awhile since I’ve viewed Rob, a thinner John Mayer and 2 cocker spaniels. +3 for that effort, but the icon on my iPhone screen next to my banking app & iPeriod tracker? It’s that picture of Rob from EW in 2008 where he looks more like his wax figurine than the actual Rob Pattinson himself (see above) -3 for this feature.

And can I tell you how OFFENDED I was at the TRIVIA that was asked!? Listen to this question:

What did his sisters do to him until he was 12?

Um, I don’t know- was it something similar to what his Creepy Uncle did? Cause that’s what it sounds like you’re implying!

Lastly, I’m concerned for Robert’s safety, and that is the main reason for my letter. (And also to ask if you could ask AT&T on my behalf to let me out of my contract early so I could upgrade to the iPhone 4) With all the crazies out there, I’m not sure it’s wise to have an app that tracks Robert’s every move. For example, should this information, direct from the “Where’s Rob” screen, be public?

-June 30th: Partying it up at the Beverly Hills Hotel in LA
-July 1st: On the set of Water for Elephants in Ventura, CA!
-July 6th: Robert & Kristen Stweart last seem at LA’s Century City… Dinner and a movie last night with Spunky Ransom!
-Wed July 14 Rob was at Hotel Cafe, LA
-Tues Jul 20 Rob is cruising for burgers in his new Chevy Nova ’63!

This could do a whole lot of damage to Rob if the crazies get a hold of it. Now that they know where he was on Tuesday July 20th. Rob will never be able to cruise for a burger in a Chevy Nova ever again without people with cameras going after him. I mean tomorrow if the app reports where he was today, I plan on buying a plane ticket and going to that location- even if it ends up being the Hotel Cafe in Beirut. And we know what happens there now, don’t we Steve?

So I am asking for my $0.99 back from the purchase of the app, my innocence, a new push up bra, those 7 minutes that were stolen from me, plus a gel iPhone cover preferably in pink. You can find my information under my “Where is Robert” Score Board username. It’s “Rob’s F*ck Buddy”

Thank you,

This satirical piece was written after discovering that people on Twitter actually had a problem with an app that reports Rob’s location days after the fact, often on the wrong day and who are coincidentally are some of the same people on twitter who are happy to blog about and report on his location after the papparazzi, who are the ones tracking Rob down, sell the photos. I’m OFFENDED. Are you?

Dear Rob, It actually might be a good idea for you to invest $0.99 into this app- you can use it like a kinda calendar or to remember what you did the week before when you’re emailing Dick back about your life. Love, UC

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

114 Responses to “Where is Robert? An offensive App…”

  1. It’s Apple against The Crazies. This match sounds as exciting as the embarrassing scandals of #worldcup. What I want to know is where is the “Respect the Rob” take2? Pfft, fandom you suck, you didn’t even think of doing that for (us) Rob!

    And OMG, UC did you just encourage prostitution? OMG you know how all Twi has to be educational (bahahaha), what example are you giving?

    I love the surreal Twi bubble!

    • JellyBeanRainbow says:

      Signing petition to remove the Where is Rob App IS Respect Rob part 2 campaign. I bet it was founded by the same people. Now: cover our eyes, people. Everybody!

    • robgirl86 says:

      It’s Apple against the crazies…..LMAO!

      After ready the post (thank you UC, that was a really very educational moment there) I know I want an iphone4, the app and Rob and not necessarily in that order!

      Do we need a new campain? “Save the Rob….”…ahem from what exactly? Confused here…..:-)

      • robgirl86 says:

        and..the Twibubble is surreal and not only that…gawddd

      • There is always a good reason for a Save the Rob campaign, the first one being for our viewing pleasure. Oh, and you known the eternal “Poor baby”.
        P S Said expression is the most ridiculous, funny and stupid repeated thing I’ve read. Trying hard not to answer “Poor you” every time.

      • JellyBeanRainbow says:

        I’m loyal to Freya’ s
        “Disrespect Rob… nice and slow ” campaign!

  2. dazzledtodeath says:

    Coming soon to the app store:

    An app that tells you whether Rob is wearing boxer briefs or going commando.

    An app that lets you know when Rob is using the bathroom, and where.

    An app that that tells you when Rob is getting low on Hot Pockets, and which store he’s most likely to go to to buy more.

  3. So if Rob has given his iPhone 4 to TomStu who’s using it as a beer coaster, how will he download this app?

    Someone help out our boy with this century’s technology, please.

  4. purplescool says:

    Hey Steve Jobs – why don’t you just inject one of those GPS tracking chips under Rob’s skin (like they have for pets) so we can know EXACTLY where he is EVERY freaking second of the man’s life.

    I don’t know who’s worse, the people who thought up this very creepy app, or the people who use it!

  5. TLG (TippyL) says:

    Saw your teaser on twitter and thought “are those girls seriously offended by such a lame app?” So glad to know you’re still disrespecting Rob. And also thanks for doing the research on the app so we don’t have to. You guys are so selfless like that!
    Beirutian! Love it!!

  6. rob's den of sin says:

    Oh UC, you’re killing me.
    “‘Heineken’ sounds so sexy in Beiruitan”
    and then
    “Um, I don’t know- was it something similar to what his Creepy Uncle did?”
    Do you think Rob’s creepy uncle is a friend of Buttcrack Santa’s?

  7. misty says:

    Hey everyone I MISSED you!!!

    UC this was full of all sorts of wins….

    The other day, I was on the popsugar app for my ipod and they posted pics of Rob on set in a tux (Rub + tux = SEXY) anyways, I digress….Rob was hold an IPAD!!!!!
    I thought, well that’s an appropriate item for his dad case and who showed him how to use one???

    here he is with his iphone:

    here he is with his ipad:

  8. Robjunkie says:

    Hi ya’ll, I wanna change my screen name. I’m getting tired of Robjunkie – its starting to 1st hand embarrass me. Any cool suggestions?

    Poor Rob, not even technology is repelled by him.

  9. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by LetterstoTwilight, LetterstoTwilight. LetterstoTwilight said: It's time for a NEW LTR: Where is Robert? An offensive App… – http://tinyurl.com/2cvlx3d […]

  10. MidnightCougar says:

    LMAO! Oh, UC I love this : “In My Pants” is TO A valid location for Rob to be.” I totally agree! But, maybe if you reversed the search, you could confuse this piece of shit app, you purchased, & then you could GPS yourself INTO Rob’s pants! Now, that would be worth the aggravation of wasting $0.99 & 7 minutes of your time!

    Yes, I agree this whole thing is bullshit & very offensive! Sounds like quite a SCAM to me! Poor Rob, he never seems to be able to have any normality in his life.

    Just to continue with this wierd BS, & to answer the above question, “What did his sisters do to him until he was 12?” Didn’t they dress him up as a girl & name him “Claudia”? I’m pretty sure I heard him say that once in an interview. LOL

    • Yup, Claudia it is. If Rob hadn’t stopped listening to his sisters, UC and Moon would probably be writing Letters To Claudia now. Ok, that was lame.

      But this is why I love this blog so much. It’s completely normal to know these facts.

  11. Ooblek says:

    The whole idea behind this app is sick. So glad it seems to be lame and ineffective.

  12. poochi_mama says:

    When a 14 year old girl develops an app, there’s bound to be a bug or two. Even if it was precise, people would probably think it was broken because it would have the same 4 or 5 locations all the time:
    “At In-n-Out”
    “In the Hot Pocket Aisle”
    “In TomStu’s basement”
    “Hiding from Nikki”
    Good luck getting your .99 back, UC!

  13. operarose says:

    I love your note @ the end. As I was reading, I was thinking, hey it might be kind of convenient to have an app that reminds you what you were doing…

  14. Stacey says:

    I love that the people who bought that app are seriously having issues with it. Not that stalkers are funny, but stalkers that can’t stalk and get angry at Steve Jobs about it are super funny. It’s okay if you happen upon Rob and say hi. Or find yourself at places he might go, just to maybe see him, that’s fine too. But trying to GPS locate him, might be a little much.

    Never mind, I spent a whole summer in a coffee shop trying to get the nerve to talk to a certain actor, then wimped out when I got my chance. I really shouldn’t talk. Oh man, not only was I a summertime stalker, but really jittery from all that coffee. Learn from my mistake, girls, learn from my mistakes.

  15. Stacey says:

    Ohh…UC, thank you for buying that app for “research” purposes! The images have made me laugh a lot this morning. Not as much, as Jackson interviewing Hillary Duff on LTT, but almost as much.

    Do you think you’ll get your $.99 back? You might need it when the Taylor’s Favorite Eats Dining Guide comes out.

  16. Amber says:


    Seriously people, why buy an app? I thought Twitter’s full purpose was to track Rob. If not, why the hell am I here?!?

    • JellyBeanRainbow says:

      So true. Twitter should be re-named to “Where is Rob?” at least that’s why I use it most of the times.

  17. JellyBeanRainbow says:

    Oh, and I want to lear Beiruitan language, it sounds fun!

  18. redqueen says:

    This could cause major problems for Rob once time travel is invented.

    I’m going to get on that…..

  19. southernbelle says:

    Oh my gosh, LOL!

    Hmm UC I think I might need this app…oh heck wait a minute I don’t even have a fancy mobile phone, mine’s an old dinosaur and I don’t even get internet and text!

    • Cath says:

      Haha, oh my dear SB, I should send you a new one, but as long as you will promise not to fly over to LA and stalk the Rob when you have the app. And yes, here I am, sorry for looking for me fruitless.
      Busy bee as you know, interviewing everyone on God’s green earth, except for Rob… 😉

      • melronin says:

        Missed youuuuuu!!
        Love youuuuuuuu!!! 😀

      • southernbelle says:

        @Cath, hey bestie! Yes please send me a new one so I can bury this old dinosaur of a cellphone, this is worse than Rob’s old Jitterbug! The screen’s so tiny you need a magnifying glass. I promise I won’t stalk Rob w. the app :).

        You know he’s gonna be in Chattanooga, TN, he’s 4 hours from me! I’m so tempted to go there! LOL

  20. robgirl86 says:

    I still wanna have the steady camera on his ass……

  21. Jules says:

    “This satirical piece was written after discovering that people on Twitter actually had a problem with an app that reports Rob’s location days after the fact, often on the wrong day and who are coincidentally are some of the same people on twitter who are happy to blog about and report on his location after the papparazzi”

    Hypocrisy at its finest.
    UC – You did well.

  22. applepie says:

    UC, your post today is like one giant sarcasm button and I f–king LOVE it. haha so much win!

  23. mistresselektra says:

    You know Microsoft created this app.

  24. Robsessedgirl says:

    Dear Rob,
    Do you even know this app exists? Probably not. It would give you a panic attack. Not to worry love, no one takes it seriously.

    I’m not gonna lie I have this app. But can you really blame me, trying to entertain myself in my podunk town? I just wanted to see Rob’s ass. And to make sure that they knew Rob was, in fact, rollin’ wit da homies. My obsession could always use more fuel. 😀

  25. kandnandb says:

    I bet Claire’s upset they didn’t have this app about 8 years ago when he was a randy teenage boy. He tells him mum he’s with his friends and she insteads finds out he’s getting “tutored” by the town’s cougar (me, even though I’ve never been to the UK) in the gardening shed next to her Princess Di rose seedlings.

    Poor poor Rob. I volunteer to bring him to my house to escape the hunt. NO ONE would ever find my house. It’s waaaaay past East Bumfuck. (It’s East by SouthEast Bumfucked, OH to be exact.) I’ll keep you safe, Rob. In the gardening shed.

  26. Pumagirlsf says:


    Your post is so excellent today, I want to dress it up in a Burberry Prorsum suit and take it out on the town for the night.

    Rock on, Girl. *throwing the goat at you*

  27. PinkFluffGirl says:

    Steve Jobs blows(That would be a TOTALLY different sentence if I had dyslexia). Obviously, IN MY PANTS is very valid.

    I also sang “Where in the world is …Rob Pattinson!” while reading this post. I also wonder if he downloaded his own app…just for when he gets SO blitzed and can’t remember where he is. That’s like Personal Drunken MapQuest. THINK of the possibilities.

    Oh and WE DON’T HAVE THAT IN BEIRUT!!!!!! Yep, if you know me, I just yelled it.

  28. undecidedsten says:

    oh man i’m so out of the loop these days
    i thought uc was just taking the piss, so i went on i tunes can’t believe this exists!
    (no i didn’t download it!)

  29. JessicaTheShark says:

    LOL I can just hear this being said on a commercial already: “Wanting to know where Robert Pattinson has been spotted several days ago? There’s an app for that.”
    Look out, Rob! Crazy, rabid fans are on your tail! (Well, almost!) xD

  30. adrienne says:

    omg “gave to TomStu who probably thought it was a beer coaster”, “Beiruitan”, “You get the “missing the point” award for the day!!!” – there was so much in this. – your funny stuff is boundless!

    oh and I’m thinking many of us would wear an “in my pants” t-shirt just sayin

  31. RoslynSelene says:

    Who’s this creepy app for? Annie Wilkes?! But the real loser here is not the crazies or Steve Jobs…it’s Rob. Now he can’t go to freakin’ Newton’s Outfitters to take a shit without knowing that it’ll end up in some freak’s phone. (UC’s the only exception since she only bought it for ‘research purposes’…and not ‘personal reasons’.)

  32. LadyN says:

    ohhhhh! Convinience in the palm of your hand! *beams* 😀

  33. Robsessedgirl says:

    Future Rob apps:

    Put together Rob’s matching/sexy outfit! Long list of designers to choose from(and you get to see some manly bits)

    Listen to snippets of hilarious/word vomit interviews!

    Gallery of Robporn! Over 50,000 photos!

    Edit a picture of Rob to put you in it! Various pictures-him in bed, naked, as Edward etc.

    Go shopping with Rob! Choose from grocery store mode-pick out the hot pockets and heine and make sure he buys deodorant/detergent(condoms) or clothes shopping-choose underwear/sexy clothes for Rob!

    Decode Robsten pictures! YOU decide if it’s real!

    Find your couple name with Rob!

    Make virtual babies with Rob! Just choose a picture of him and yourself, and some SUPER attractive babies will be born!

    Spend the night with Rob(condoms and clothing your choice!)

    I’m sure I can think of more…..

    Dear Rob, what do you think? What do my fellow Rob-hards think?

    • theseviolentdelights says:

      “Spend the night with Rob(condoms and clothing your choice!)”
      I’ll go with no clothing. 😉 I need to brush up on my anatomy knowledge, so I’ll take one for the team…y’know, in the name of science.

      • Robsessedgirl says:

        Totally in the name of science, always good to know the male anatomy *and always good for Rob to know the female *cough cough ours* anatomy!

    • robsfuturemate says:

      I wanna make virtual babies with Rob! Well, I wanna make real babies with him. Seriously, let’s get on this (twss)!! And I love the “find your couple name.” Unfortunately with me, my name would probably have to come before Rob’s!

      • Robsessedgirl says:

        HAHAHAHA YES! seriously that baby’s attractiveness would be insanium in the cranium! I will definitely have Rob’s baby, Stewy’s(I love ya K but it’s true) could not expel a child. Wobbie, will you be my baby daddy? & save some for @RFM! 🙂 <3

  34. Delilah439 says:

    All I can say is you better write that app off on your taxes. Work related purchase and all…

  35. […] an app for that.” Because it’s so true. And as we recently discovered (and UC discussed on Letters to Rob), there’s even an app for stalking Rob! So you can conveniently know where Rob is two days after […]

  36. […] Did you hear that? A GUY knew the app was called “Where’s Robert” (We know too- read about it here) Dear Ellen- the people showed up at the bar because of Twitter… no the app. FYI. No one uses […]

  37. katie says:

    I think that this is a stupid idea and you have no respect for Robert right and his feeling. He’s just like us but famous and famous people are no diffrent to us and they dont need to be tracked down like an animal. And the worst thing is that Robert didn’t even know about this so you should get rid of it.

  38. a very fond fan says:

    Pmsl What a rant!!!! Very very true tho. But to be fair YES HE IS HOT HOT HOT THAT HOT HE MAKES ME FEEL IM IN HELL EVERY TIME I SEE HIM! Doesnt he deserve some peace n quiet. I mean o.k i know that stalkers and super fans come with the package but the bloke cant even go out with his girl without stories springing up left right and center! Id say lynch him if he was a moody git who didnt acknowledge his fans but he isnt. Hes always doing interviews and tv appearances. Isnt that enough cause come on people no matter what the most your gonna get is a pic n maybe a peck. He already has a lover or does everyone just see straight through kristen?? Well I dont. I hope they both get the peace they deserve to enjoy each other!! The app should be banned!! I do think Rob should spend a tad more time in uk though so i can watch sone interviews and appearances on my tv instead of watching all the U.S shows on my phone!! But thinkin about it our shows are rather bland!!
    Anyways Stalkers back to my point leave Rob alone, Stick breaking dawn on or my personal fave water for elephants press pause and drool!!!

  39. a very fond fan says:

    Ppl so you dont have to go google. U.S.A ppl say im pissed uk say we’re/im pissed off. who ever had pissed me off is takin the piss. or u can say it to something thats caused offence or somethin!! Get it?? Ha ha reminds me of summat rob was sayin on an ellen show he cant actually remember how brits say premier cuz we say it so differently lol you say tomAto we say tomarto tomAto tomarto lmao!!

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