Center your chi with Rob

Dear Rob,

This past week has been quite crazy for the fandom. You’ve lost fans because of your alleged relationship, celebrations have been thrown in the streets of MOANtreal probably because you left, sides have claimed “victory,” dreams have been crushed, friendships have been shattered and Moon & I have been thoroughly entertained. It seems as though everyone has forgotten the lessons of We are the Rob. Remember?

We can’t go on fighting day by day
Hoping Robsten and Nonsten will soon make a change
We’re all a part of Steph’s great Twi family
And the truth
You know Rob is all we need

We are the ROB

I’m calling a time-out. In the words of Eric Yorkie, people need to chillax. Here is what I suggest. Focus on this brilliant manip of Rob which has been posted on our picasa account since 2008 and no less than 27 12 year olds have commented & thought was actually Rob:

Are you getting a yoga-vibe? Good. Me too. Let’s run with that. We could all use a big “calm the eff down.” Now close your eyes and imagine you’re in Rob’s arms……….

Breathe slowly in through your nose……
Imagine you are smelling Rob’s slightly musty scent
Now slowly pull your fingers through your hair, but imagine it’s a little tough, slightly slippery and when your hand emerges, your fingers are kinda shiny with grease……

Now breathe in again..
Fill your lungs with the scent of Rob’s newly lit cigarette…
Take it in deep into your lungs
Deep… Deeepppp
Okay stop coughing- this is imaginary smoke.

Now visualize touching Rob’s 2 week old slightly damp t-shirt…
Breathe out slowwwwwwwwly.
Exhale for as long as it takes to think the phrase “Rob, if you’re not with me, then you’re Poundin’ Spam”

Breathe in again, imagining he’s taking off his “Get off my Dick” shirt
Breathe in again…. what’s that smell? A sharpie marker?
Open your eyes slightly- did Rob gross out one of the “f’s” on “off” and turn the other “f” into an “n?” “Off” turned into “on!?” Okay back to concentrating…

Exhale while you let your mind go blank- forget all you know about Rob- forget all the baggage of many months or years of following his every move…..
Imagine the smell of processed cheese and a light flaky crust- filled with low quality sausage or ham- warmed in a microwave…. Let your ears hear the sound of a green tinted bottle cap falling to the floor….

Shhhhhhh quietly center your thoughts- focus on the picture above
Then think about if the pants were to drop a littttleeeee bitttt lower-
Oh no!
Quick! Think higher… higher- you’re about to think about The Tuck

There… that’s nice…
Focus on the muscles underneath the Che Guevara shirt he’s wearing to show his support of the Cuban people.
Think about the cell phone deep in the pocket of the green pants from the $.50 bin at a MOANtreal Salvation Army.
Think about you and Rob and all the wonderful and slightly musty scents that come along with him…. just focus on the two of you….. Oh no- who is that in the corner? TomStu?


Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

107 Responses to “Center your chi with Rob”

  1. Robjunkie says:

    OMG, Am I first? I hope I’m first. I’ve never been first. Please tell me I’m first. Calming down now, taking deep breaths. Fantastic letter.

  2. niahid says:

    BRILLZZ +1000

    Namashite 😀

    Do you think he wore that green pants on purpose, to lure his fans back in?
    Coz It’s working on me. I think he knows about the Cellphone VS Peen debate.

  3. natashadushi says:

    I love this fanfiction!I can even smell the nachobreath of Rob. Plse write more *runs and puts fanfic allert on*

  4. Bea says:

    Aw, this is why I love you guys. No more drama, just pretty pictures and funny analysis.

  5. Rubytuesday says:

    Hi Girls
    Loved loved loved this breath of sanity……I am still 5th in the queue behind the dumpster so if Kirsten or any one else for that matter {err perhaps not Paris Hilton…..that could be the straw that would break my Robsession} licks that lollipop first I don’t mind……My husband is at least enjoying the benefits of my “practicing for Rob”……….Glad to be back…..

    • kookybanana says:

      Rubytuesday! I cannot but agree with you a 100% – my husband IS enjoying the “twilight afterglow” – as he puts it!

      UC and Moon – you guys rock!!

  6. JulieP says:

    Total win UC. Quietly snorting to myself in the office.

  7. drsaka says:

    I accept the waves of calmness….
    Much better now!
    Thanks for the letter.

    Love the moving pic of TomStu!!!

  8. melissa says:

    LMAO. And still fanning the imaginary cigarette smoke I choked on.

  9. yeah but did that Yorkie guy knew how many people had absolutely no life once they’re done asking themselves existential questions like is th cheesy pic a manip or not? And what’s that shadow in the corner, KStew bitchin’ or TomStu waiting to get back his beanie? And what if he’s gay? Or all this is set up by the FBI? OMG I think he’s a secret agent, why would he go to see Salt?
    I seriously learned a lot about people with this fandom, like things I never thought of.

    quick hello to everybody, going MIA again #holydays

  10. misty says:

    ummm I did not know that pic of Ron on a matress was a manip…….I’ll pretend I didn’t just read that like I’m pretending that pukedinmymouthabittreal didn’t happen either……..

    but this did happen::

    KLASSY with a capitol K!!

  11. hitc4manynewmoons says:

    Love the letter…so needed a chillax in the posts. Was kinda feeling like I was gonna give up scanning blogs with all the bad karma going on from posts. (I hate negativity…without humor).

    • dazzledtodeath says:

      This is truly one of very very few safe places right now- i spent some time looking around last night and man is it scary out there. I’m staying right here from now on.

      • hitc4manynewmoons says:

        After purusing yesterday…I am kinda concerned for these kids. They should totally beef up security there are some real WEIRDO, CRAZIES out there…I was thinking I love me some Twilight but SERIOUSLY there are CRAZY ppl out there who think Rob & Kstew ARE Bella & Edward…wtf? Its kinda like my toddler believing Dora is REAL! SCARY!

        • hitc4manynewmoons says:

          Here is to hoping those weirdos flipping out over THIS (seriously don’t get it?) are under 12…that explains their mental state. But if these are grown ppl…our world is seriously off balance!

          • dazzledtodeath says:

            It was a nice thought but sadly they’re not. Some of the biggest shippers out there are married w’ kids.

            As am I, but I’m not drunk on someone else’s supposed love, I just wanna bang Rob but instead I take it out on my husband. Normal.

          • Michelle says:

            @ Dazzled…
            As am I, but I’m not drunk on someone else’s supposed love, I just wanna bang Rob but instead I take it out on my husband. Normal.
            LMBO! And AMEN sista, AMEN.

          • applepie says:

            bad news…our world IS seriously out of balance. There have been lots of starving/neglected kids/husbands/pets this week.

  12. Edible Art ? says:

    “Rob’s musty scent” ha ha made me laugh I have now been thoroughly put off Rob by UC’s mantra – yeah not really

  13. adrienne says:

    almost lost the calm when you mentioned the Tuck but all-in-all I’m feeling much better – thank you UC

  14. dazzledtodeath says:

    Wise advice, UC. It’s amazing how unhinged people can become over something that has absolutely nothing to do with them. I know I spend a lot of time on all this but the REALLY amazing thing is that there are many people who spend lots more. And think it somehow makes their life better (or worse). Step back, people, step back and focus on the real people in your life (hopefully there are some?).

  15. robsfuturemate says:

    Great post! I feel so much better! Now, can we get this recorded in the calming voice of the Pretty so I can listen and start out everyday this good!?

  16. sjaantje says:

    I`ve always wanted to try meditation. I had no idea it could be such a…release. Going to go and have an imaginary cig with Rob now.

  17. Keisha says:

    I will be in airports tomorrow. I hope I get pap’ed! A little Photo Shop merging and I’ll have my Christmas cards. I’m also gonna put Mr. Bobby Long in my fake airport pap picture. What’s better than 1 fake British boyfriend? TWO fake British boyfriends!

  18. swansong says:

    Tom likes to watch.

    Hey, we all have our little, twisted pleasures.

  19. Taylor says:

    lol this just made my day! i definitely needed this yoga/meditation!

  20. melronin says:

    Great post UC…mmmmmmmm…am trying to center my chi and a bit of calming down will do us all good!

    Was like Armageddon around the net lately and I seriously thought I lost Rob in all that Montrealshit (sorry my language)…all these posts and pics made me loose my focus I guess.

    But someone (Helen Keller actually) once said:”The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart”!

    I feel you Rob baby…honestly I do (wish I could touch you too…but ehhh…never mind :D)

    Bottom line: WE ARE THE ROB and he is the reason why we all are here…right???
    Back to the chi now!!!

    namaste (which in greek means: here we are!!! fits perfectly I think)

    • che says:

      i luved Helen Keller quote.
      but i don’t put Rob on this category
      he must be seen and touched once in a life time..
      at least..right?.. PLS God 😉

      • melronin says:

        Amen sista, I so agree, but we must be content with what we get right??? LOL…am secretly praying though, trust, for touching the baby…more than once 😀

        How are you doing? Are you in the basketballrush yet?
        Am sure Istambul is going wild..wish I was there!


        • che says:

          just kinda stuggling cuz RL is a litle bit b*tch these days
          that’s why i can’t give a (enough) crapsten 🙂
          i’m more in a footballlrush actually.since i’m a huge Beşiktaş fan and we got Quaresma and Guti..just so happy..anyway
          i don’t belive in Turkish basketball team well to coach actually…but i’m sure Greece gonna do well as always..

          luv u sis and i wish Paok had win


  21. blackgirlltwihard says:

    LMAO!!! SMH!!!! Rob is EyeCandy, not nosecandy They do too much shirt and pants switching for me!!

  22. Michelle says:

    First I LOVED this! LOL! Perfect!

    Second, okay maybe I’ve just come to terms with my “normal”ness…but are people SERIOUSLY freaking over Robsten? Like I mean SERIOUSLY? What the heck does who he hangs with/dates/lieswithnakedonbearskinrugs have to do with anything? People are seriously MAD at him? It makes me so sad that “people” think they know whats best for a man they DON’T KNOW! LOL! Sigh…I mean mullaphant DOES come across as crass and rude…but that’s her “persona” who the heck knows what she’s like in “real” life – she may be a freaking peach! And as for HHH…I mean…what if he’s a complete TOOL in real life. It could happen, right? So sad…I can’t imagine having people think they “know” me…when they’ve just watched me in interview and read about me in blogs/magazines. Boycotting him or his career? LOL. Wowza.

    We are the Rob indeed…sing it louder please. And I’m with Misty – that SO isn’t a manip! LOL! Please don’t ruin my fantasy… 😉

  23. JennB33 says:

    Thank you for the centering reminder…

  24. vera says:

    What’s up with the Che Guevara tee?? wtf?

  25. “Keep Calm And Sing We Are The Rob” <- EFFING BRILLIANT!

    Thank Jeebus we can still make fun of all this.

  26. twigirl_world says:

    Chillax…That made my day…that is all

  27. kas90 says:

    Such a wonderful and NEEDED post… thanks, UC!

  28. Janetrigs says:

    Just like your internet game, UC you’re Rediculous. But that is why I <3 you.

    PS Yes, today am filled with love. Blame it on Kenya

  29. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by LetterstoTwilight, LetterstoTwilight and LetterstoTwilight, Brenna Parker. Brenna Parker said: HILARIOUS!! RT @letter2twilight: Grab the hand of the person next to you and SING: We are THE ROB […]

  30. The Old One says:

    Hmm, I think you’ve inspired me to do Robyoga every morning now. Centering our chi together. Before I get out of bed, even. Yes, I think this is one program I can really stick with for the long run.

  31. kandnandb says:


    THANK YOU! I needed some centering after all this packing for vacation. 5 people really need a lot of shit. Anyhow, when my husband complains that his T-shirts smell musty & smoky, I shall just take a deep, cleansing breath and think to myself “WWRB (What Would Rob Do, of course)?” Then I shall say to my husband “Get off my dick. And wash your own damn clothes.”

  32. Cath says:

    Um…UC, this is kind of scary, been talking about Rob and (naked) yoga just yesterday…And now you go all namasté on us!!!

    Why am I surprised??? All roads lead to Rob!!! 😉

    • southernbelle says:

      Hi twin! I’m having a crisis here in my house so I think I needed to see this post! Though my crisis doesn’t involve Rob! It involves a refrigerator!

  33. hitc4manynewmoons says:

    Ok…totally off subject but I have a “theory” unlike anyone else. Everyone keeps talking about these bracelets the two (no need to say their names) keep wearing. I started a Beth Moore Bible study(UC and Moon maybe u famil…hehe) and we have to wear exact bracelets but blue …maybe they are doing a similar bible study??????

    (I am joking!)

    • Michelle says:

      Excellent call! They are bible study/accountability partners! 🙂 Kellan leads the study of course…

      • hitc4manynewmoons says:

        Totally see Kellan leading them in discussions and then Jackson pulls out the Skillet CD! (Couldn’t resist).

  34. roslynselene says:

    I have a confession: I.WAS.A.ROBSTENER. (cries) No, I seriously was. I still don’t know what I was thinking. I used to worship Ted Casablanca and read his Awful Truth blog EVERYDAY. When the semi holding hands pic came out, I was happy for them(I can’t believe I’m saying this). When there were reports (from a politic of some sort) of them being affectionate in a pub, I knew they were the real deal.
    Then something strange happened. It was the Budapest/Kristen’s Bday pictures of them leaving Budapest. Something just didn’t feel right. To me, it was like they were trying too hard to make it believable. I felt like a chump, an idiot, a doof, a gullible twit (you get the point) for believing their shenanigans. I was angry, but at myself for being so stupid. I still think it’s fake. I don’t know why, it’s not that I’m in denial (cause I still wouldn’t give a fuck if it’s Kristen or some other chick), it’s just a feeling. I think it’s cause it was so predictable. Kristen goes to NY premiere of RM/Kristen goes to Budapest for her BDay/ they start popping up all over the place together like everyone else predicted. So there, I’ve been wanting to get it off my chest and those are my 2 cents. I don’t care for explanations as to why it’s a PR stunt or not cause #idontgiveafucksten otherwise known as: “Rob, if you’re not with me, then you’re pounding spam.”

  35. Stacey says:

    I just like looking at pretty things. Rob is a pretty thing. So as long as he stays pretty and does funny things that make me laugh hysterically (intentional or not), I’ll be happy. However, SG jr. will continue to be pissed and mumbling about stupid, dirty boys. I bet he misses the old days when I forced him to watch Gilmore Girls & Buffy.

    Yoga time!

  36. Robsessedgirl says:

    First off, is it weird that I read chi as something completely different? Nevermind. Now I’ll go tweedserious for a minute:
    People who say they’ll stop being fans of Rob just because of this are idiots. I don’t like it, but to stop being a fan because of it? That’s very J-14 of you. Ok in the immortal words of thong-Renee, “enough with the heavy”
    Dear Rob,
    Does your chi need centered as well? I’ll help you if you’ll help me. Oh thanks for the green pants, I think you got the memo they make me very happy. Green pants+guitar slung over your shoulder? *ded* Wear those more often, along with the Edward karate pants I HOPE you stole from the set.

  37. Robjunkie says:

    Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to do the downward dog pose with Rob. Oops, did I say that out loud, and is that even a real yoga pose? Well even if it isn’t I’d still like to do that pose with him, ifyouknowhatimsaying, andithinkyoudo.

  38. GivingRobSomeLoving says:

    I LOVE this! You’ve instantly turned my day around (for the better, obvi).

  39. undecidedsten says:

    i’ve only just heard about/seen the moantreal picutres #wherethefuckhaveyoubeenmars?????

    and i came on here and everyone is so calm!
    where’s puma and amanda I need an LRT intervention!!!
    (bear in mind im three days behind in my freaking out)

  40. Alice_NaA says:

    When I saw the pictures the first thing I thought was… awww someone needs to comfort Tomstu, I wouldn’t mind taking one for the team and do it.
    I guess the end of my robsession is near.

  41. southernbelle says:

    Imagine the smell of processed cheese and a light flaky crust- filled with low quality sausage or ham- warmed in a microwave…. Let your ears hear the sound of a green tinted bottle cap falling to the floor…

    Ewwww. LOL ok, just for you Rob, although in reality I don’t eat that stuff! Well you already know I’m GF/DF!

    I’m not worried, I’m okay, my heart will go on. He’s not shagging me, ain’t that the truth. However, still feel a hole in my heart when I see them together. I know it’s silly, and pathetic but it is what it is! Life goes on, I do have a life aside from the fandom! Hehehe.

    Dear Rob,

    Wow hon you wore the green pants again! Are you trying to tease me? You know the significance of that pair of pants have! Must you continue to torment me?


    • misty says:

      SB, I agree with everything you said:
      1. he’s def. not shagging me + NEVER will. Truth.
      2. disappointing to see them together though. Truth + NORMAL
      3. will always be a Robfan/critique. Truth.
      4. green pants = TEASE. Truth.

      *hugs I hope everything is ok with your fridge <3

      • southernbelle says:

        Hi Misty! The fridge is ok for now, though I reckon we will have to get a new one soon.

        How are you doing?

        As far as Rob’s concerned, I just try to think of him as solo.

  42. LattersBaby says:

    Horrible work day. I promised myself I could either go to yoga or read LTR when I got my stuff done. Of course I picked LTR..what a nice surprise to see my two fav diversions twisted into one! And now, I’m going to eff work and go to yoga…

    Robnaste everyone!

  43. kristen's bestie says:

    I did not allow myself to come today (TWSS) to LTR that is. But WHO KNEW that it was yoga day and it was exactly what I needed in the middle of what is easily one of the worst work days EVER! Who knew? I’ll tell you who knew. UC knew. Thanks,girl. Of course who could really relax while laughing, but hey that works too.

  44. Maggie says:

    Thank you for a much need laugh. This week has been a tough one. This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. (Bowing – I am not worthy)

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