What if Rob wasn’t famous: The American Trucker
Dear Rob,
Be still my hopeful heart
I’d be lying if I said I was feeling your “look” as you road trip across American with Sam & Tom. I’m not opposed to a little beardage- Mr. Choice has been rocking the full beard for about a year now and I know first-hand what sort of pleasures it can bring. But I think mix that with your sweat from the Texas heat, plus your new-found love for American beer at Cricket’s bar’s $2.50 PBR “College Night,” and your apparently interest in American football, you lost a little of your British charm this past week. Sure, sure- you were seen holding a guitar & my heart jumped a beat thinking of you entertaining the folks at a local Houston watering hole, but then I got real and admitted to myself you were more likely to be playing the latest Kid Rock song than making the crowd swoon with some mellow, Brit folk these days.
You look like you belong on a Big Rig. Yes, my imagination has run wild again and I’ve been thinking about what you might be like if you weren’t famous. And “Truck Driver Across America” comes to mind. Unfortunately. Not that it’s all bad- Instead of Van Morrison your musical tastes would be Charlie Daniels or Hank Jr. And they’re pretty legendary. You wouldn’t need to worry about being caught behind a dumpster because you’d always have your cab you could take girls to. You’d never have to worry about combing your hair cause you could just permanently wear your hat. Plus Hot Pockets are even BETTER at 4 am when you heat them up in the microwave at the Flyer J Truck Stop. Plus those places are one-stop-shops- when you roll up, you just put your name on the list and they CALL YOU when your shower is ready! No need to remember to shower when “Flo” behind the counter keeps you updated and makes sure your water is warm. Plus the best thing about the stretch of highway in rural Georgia on your way into Florida? Naked waitresses at the late night diner!
So I did what any normal blogger who loves you through thick & thin, good and bad, would do: I googled the crap out of “Trucker Social networking Site” until I came across: Trucker Passions. And I set you up with a profile.
Because I think that the nice people at trucker passions will probably reject your profile as “fake” in the next few hours (even though I read their guidelines about nudity and changed your profile picture from the one I wanted to use- Cut off Flannel shirt ala Larry the Cable Guy up top and nothing on down below- to something more truck driver appropriate) Here is a screenshot of your profile at TruckerPassions.com. You’re welcome, Motha Truckn’ Brit
Click to make me nice & big (twss)
Keep on Truckin’,
UnintendedChoice
Thanks to Zeph for your help!!!
Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store
That stretch from rural Georgia into Florida? Looks like someone has stopped at the Cafe Risque.
i might have begged mr. choice to stop once or twice when we lived in nashville & went to visit his parents in Tampa…… he said that would be weird though. WEIRD? NO. AWESOME
Weird? Tell me what is weird about the best waffles & steak this side of the Mississippi?
Waffles, steak, and hooters? #RobsDreamDate *gigglesnort*
I live in Tampa & have driving the Detroit/Tampa stretch a few times…….are you talking about all those billboards that say “Bare All” and “Showers for Truckers”? That made the 20 hour drive more interesting 😀
That profile is hilarious!
But don’t you think Trucker Rob just might be way too dangerous on the road? His driving skills are not the best.
Remember his attempts to back up.
and the flaming dash board.
and the broken douchebag Porsche…
I’m here to say – I couldn’t help myself – there’s a lot of spontaneous combustion when Rob’s around!
haha, you’re right!
mwhaha, my thoughts exactely, posted my comment before reading you.
Rob would be danger on the road in an 18-wheeler. But still strangely hot.
I think Rob’s driving skills are perfectly suited to truck driving. Cut people off, ride the bumper of the car ahead of you, barrel down the slow lane at 90 mph- I’ll be looking for you on I-95, Rob. Or maybe I’ll start taking the Merritt Pkwy.
Another good one UC!
I still can’t believe they were only 10 minutes away from my house when the boys landed in Houston that night. Oh what could have been.
However, please don’t hate, he really wasn’t looking his best. I want to meet GQ Rob not Trucker Rob or Lumberjack Rob…..it’s my way of justifying the fact that I missed him. When one of my RL chums found out what bar he was in that night she said “What the hell was he doing in there? That bar is a dive”. I had to explain that Rob likes dives, as if I
really knew him. I mean, I do, don’t I?
X
And am I the only one that has tried to *edit* his age in the Birthday section? Click and add a few years and it all seems right now.
X
haha, I wanted to “correct” the height, but I didn’t, don’t want you all think that me is a Robsessed 🙂
RG, you’ve never given us any reason to think that you’re robsessed! haha
🙂
yea and im pretty sure those “blue” eyes are actually green….
OMG that was hilarious! And that pic of lumberjack Rob is so appropriate too! Sorry Rob, we spend sooo much time drooling over how hot you are. But we gotta be honest when you turn up for road trips like this. Still love ya though!
It BAFFLES me to see that how this man can go from THIS
http://www.eclipsemovie.org/images/00a7fdzf.jpg
to THIS
http://blogs.thecutekid.com/tinseltown-tots-and-designer-kids/files/2009/02/robert-1.jpg
How he manages to switch from MountainMan Rob to f*ckhawt Rob is beyond me.
I can’t see nothing wrong……………… 🙂
I only hear Rob singing this on the Twi Com, normal right?!
…with a little bump and grind 😉
That’s all part of his magic!
Oh I prefer exhibit no1 aka drunk Rob in a bar on a roadtrip (OMG!) to Oscar Rob anytime. Yep.
Can I have drunk OscarRob in a bar with trailer cap, jeans and blue shirt?
question to myself? What’s a “trailer cap”?
I guess pretty Rob visions are carrying me awayyyyyyyyyy
Speaking of drunk Rob, did anyone else notice how tired his eyes look? Poor baby, he’s probably not getting enough rest. I bet Tom/Sam/Marcus wants to pull up at every one of those diners with naked waitresses..bad bad BritPack! The Pretty needs his beauty sleep!
OR, he must have had a lil’ too much to drink which is why his eyes look puffy. With Rob, the latter is the more probable explanation 😀
Either way, I feel like, washing that sweaty hair, shaving that beard and giving him a long, relaxing bath (hello gutterland!). My intentions are perfectly noble, in case you are wondering. My main concern is his well-being, I swear!
your Rob-bath intentions sound soooo durrrrrrrtty, you’re gonna use “DURT-shampoo”, promised? me likey….
DURT shampoo, YES!
We all know what our boy likes 😉
omg….just remembering durrrrrty….<3 luv it!
Yeah, that first pic was not his worst one. He looks kinda hot there!!!!! I agree with Robgirl86 – don’t see anything wrong!!That picture was in the beginning of the road trip.There were a few shots togheter with fans taken a few days later where he looks really wasted/tired….that’s really when he starts looking like a real trucker! Ha!! Sorry Rob, NOT your best look if you don’t mind me being honest!
Honey the man has magic! Magic hair, magic jaw, magic legs, magic fingers, magic umm ok I am not gonna say it!
How he manages to go from mountian man to caliente hombre (as we say here in calif).. is simple, he takes a bath and shaves 😉 — Granted he only does this once a month, but still, it can make your heart stop beating when he’s cleaned up a bit.
@Hermes, You’re a Cali girl too, yay!! I’m in So Cal!
Yay for another California girl! I’m in So Cal too. =)
Yeah! We should have a get together!!
I guess he didn’t want anymore all that paid sex by the highway with lovely old short fat women who wave with paper tissue rolls to show how clean their van is. True story, seen on TV.
I was both laughing and screaming brain bleach emergency when, thank the trucks’ God, I realised he would fail all attempt of driving a truck. I can breathe now. If people contact the Motha Truckn’ Brit you HAVE to answer them.
hahahaha, Rob on a Truck, that visual makes me just laugh (or cry) , dunno, that is just ….WRONG !:-( 🙂
unless it’s bottles of booze in the big rig, drinking some breaking the rest with his smooth driving, at the end no need to drive the truck any further.
so the Truck used only like a Bromance love-trailer….parked somewhere , without any moving? You’re right , it fits my fantasy, fun fun fun…
I like the way you both think!
🙂
“Man looking for a woman” !!!!!!!!!!
was all I read , cause I practise the selevtive reading when it comes to Trucker Rob, hot piece of man from Barnes!
Love his sweaty hair on his forehead, I know I’m weird, don’t judge 🙂
Truth. I did the same thing. I would take rob anytime, I can’t hep myself. NORMAL>
Just love being weird for Rob with you!!!
Loving the baby unconditionally…
<3 <3 <3
That profile is priceless. Movies-nothing but porn. Trucker Rob has a big stash of Hustlers in his cab too.
I’m not really into full beards, but on Rob I won’t complain. I’m sure there are certain pleasures to be had when your guy has a beard, but there’s also crumbs, spilled beer and god knows what else. I would put up with it for Rob (only) and would even be willing to groom it for him.
I don’t love beards either, but on him……..kinda cute!
Question : why and why is ME (are we) willing to make so many concessions when it comes to Rob?
Mystery, mystery….
@ RG: Maybe it’s true & “Love is blind.” For me, I just focus on the good b/c I know he can look like this:
http://pics.livejournal.com/brandnewluv/pic/00a5dbd2/
Is there such a thing as beard comb? Maybe he needs that, for when he is in between movies and doesn’t shave :).
I want to fill in the “Favorite Books” section on that profile!
what are your suggestions!? “Darryl’s guide to keeping your big rig intact on a long haul?”
I suppose “On the Road” would be a horrible and unappreciated pun.
He’d definately need Mark Watson’s “The Next Exit” and possibly the Sterns’ “Roadfood” if he wanted a change from the Hot Pockets. And a Dale Earnhart biography for good measure.
Ooh! Please add “Sex-driven People” by R.E.L. Masters 😉
Lmao UC, this was excellent – too funny! You never fail to make my day! “Individuality, …cougar lover” – haha!
Just FYI, I just noticed that if I click on the “a profile” link in the letter, some of the About Me descriptions are a bit different from the copy at the bottom of your letter. Is Rob’s Trucker Passion’s Profile is being moderated?? lol
i made changes in photoshop AFTER i made the actual profile b/c I was afraid they would get rid of it overnight. But they DIDN’T!
Maybe the truckers don’t recoginze Rob in his trucker beard!!! Hilarious that it’s still up there! Good work UC!
Well, I think all the descriptions are excellent! & I just checked, it’s still there!!
I’m disturbed by how much this trucker profile sounds like people that I actually know.
i took the liberty of copying a few details from some hot pieces I found on the site
BAHAHAHAHA. Seriously needed a good laugh this morning ladies, it’s been a long, hard (twss) couple of weeks and this morning was particularly rough (twss) so I’m so thankful, as always, that I got a second to stop and read your post because I SRSLY needed a smile 🙂
<3 you both,
Deeds
Perhaps he’s auditioning for a remake of the 1971 Speilberg movie ‘Duel’ or the classic ‘Convoy’.
He totally is!!! Will he record his own version of the Convoy song too??? For everyone who wants to sing along by then…
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1t6zQsjzYE)
Lyrics-
Arizona, noon, on the seventh of June
When they highballed over the pass
Bulldog Mack with a can on back
And a Jaguar haulin’ ass
He’s ten on the floor, stroke an’ bore
Seatcover’s startin’ ta gain
Now beaver, you a-truckin’ with the Rubber Duck
An’ I’m about ta pull the plug on your drain
[Chorus]
‘Cause we got a little ol’ convoy
Rockin’ through the night
Yeah, we got a little ol’ convoy,
Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way
We gonna roll this truckin’ convoy
‘Cross the U-S-A
Convoy!
[On the CB]
Ah, breaker, Pig Pen, this here’s the Duck, again, and ah you wanna back off on them go-go girls? 10, roger, ’bout five mile or so. Yeah, them hogs is gettin’ in-tense up here.
New Mexico, on I-four-oh
Like a Texas lizard on glass
One thousand pedals was mashin’ the metal
Them bears was a-walkin’ the grass
We trucked all day and we trucked all night
Big Benny improvin’ our style
We could tell by the smell
We was headin’ for Hell
And the Devil was Dirty Lyle
[Chorus]
‘Cause we got a great big convoy
Rockin’ through the night.
Yeah, we got a great big convoy,
Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy
Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way.
We gonna roll this truckin’ convoy
‘Cross the U-S-A.
Convoy!
I can’t believe anyone else remembers “Convoy”!!! I grew up with a dad that was an over the road trucker. I vividly remember that this was his FAVORITE movie! When it came to town, my parents threw us in the back of their Pinto wagon and went to the drive in to see it. He also owned the vinyl soundtrack album and played it ALL. THE. TIME. I had hoped I’d never hear the theme song again!!!!
But yeah, Rob should totally star in the remake.
We pride ourselves on dredging up all sorts of (questionable) stuff here! jk jk. Sorry that you were subjected to that song though, its pretty terrible! We could change the lyrics to make them more Rob-centric, would that help?
I think that song would only be acceptable if you were able to get Rob himself to sing it, while wearing nothing but his work boots and lounging across the hood of his Peterbilt.
Nice mention of Peterbilt…………………..
One time, while in college, my husband-to-be & I were driving down Columbus’s outerbelt after a viewing of Forrest Gump and I decided to give him roadhead. (What can I say-all that peas & carrots talk made me horny) Anyhow, stupid me forgot that 18 wheelers are so much higher than regular old cars so I happen to look up and there’s a truck driver leering & cheering me on. Ewwww. Anyway, the point of my story is that if that trucker had been Rob, I would have kindly asked my husband-to-be to pull over then I would have flagged Rob down & escaped in his big rig (TWSS). Sorry hubby but Rob’s my Jenny. (Or am I Jenny? I’m confused.)
And yet he is STILL yummy!
Howe does he do it?
🙂
It’s gonna be a good day when an LTR is here, I can feel it!
Rob loves cougars, yay!! (wait, I’m a puma will that work for you Rob?) LOVED IT!!!!
Dear MOTHATRUCKNBRIT,
I got a nice place where you can park and eat….you can teach me how to drive stick shift.
Love,
RoadieRiderMuffin
omg it’s too early to say sh!t like that!!!
but it works, Misty , it works….
Bwahahahahahaha…this is one of my favourite posts ever. So many many reasons why this man should never drive anything bigger than a bicycle.
As for the trucker look, I nearly wet myself when I saw that *photo* of leering drunk-looking Rob the other day – I’m sure it’s burned into your brains, I think he’s tired of the pretty. It’s brought him some good stuff, but sooooooo much hassle too, I can see why he’d give it a rest. Maybe the pretty will suffocate under all that facial hair & NEVER come back.
you wish, you wish?, you just can’t see what I see ! 🙂
Don’t get me wrong, I like the pretty. It’s just that I understand the kind of English Bloke Rob is, & how much he’ll hate the kind of attention his looks bring him. Not much of a preener that lad. He’ll be happier when he ages.
I know I know :-), I was kidding and you know it…dunno about his own “beauty standards”, it’s hard to be judged all day about a beard that you wear in your lazytime, read a lot of stupid comments like….where is GQ-Rob…blabla….I would HATE it!
The pretty is a bonus, okay a big bonus in Rob’s case.
I always knew he was a pretty boy way back in his Cedric Diggory days but after watching a million interviews and getting to know his humor & absolute charm I fell hard, way hard.
And remember if the cab’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’!
Let’s just hope the Pretty doesn’t go all Joaquin Phoenix on us. I love Beardy Rob, but defs dont need to see Dreadlock Rob or Unabomber Rob!
xo obava
Or really-out-of-his-mind-(and not in a good way)-Rob.
bwahahaha doesn’t go all Joaquin Phoenix !!!! hilar
Total win. I’ll be giggling at that all day. Thanks UC. You gals are total class!
I never wanted to hitchhike in a big truck before, now it’s moved right to the top of my ‘to do’ list.
bloody brilliant! I am especially glad to see he love cougars!
“Help us keep Trucker Passions free of spam and fake profiles.” Sorry, no can do. Too funny!
LMAO Hilarious !!! I went to the site and it’s sad…he has no messages. I almost want to join to so he has a few. 🙂
omg – – the profile is EPIC! I am still roflmao.
Awesome post today. 🙂
Hilarious! Although I suspect his grammar is exemplary, he is rather well-read.
I can’t wait to hear if there will be some kind of mass hysteria from people who think that he’s really going to be a truck driver. Sightings, perhaps? With Elvis?
This is hilarious. Thank you for the laugh!
P.S. Rob, if you really do take up trucking, there are lots of truck stops up here in Vermont that are on desolate roads, no lights. Imma meet you there! Your cab will be nice and cozy for us!
Being the wife of a equally hot trucker…..,I like trucker Rob,and the beard most definitely has it’s advantages!
i love you forever for the grateful dead reference. rob and my band together… doesnt get any better for me.
Have to say it again: I love love love the Guitar-PIC!
Me too, it has a dreamlike state doesn’t it? This is how dreams look like(in my head), without the beard of course! 🙂
<3
Great post, UC! I shed a tear for the end of British Rob and how he’s embracing his adopted country, out roamin’ on the lonely desert highways in his truck, with his bros, going all Willy Nelson on us with the guitar and beard. Next thing you know, he’ll be growing out his hair and braiding it Indian-style, holing up at his ranch and evading taxes . . . Sigh.
I…I don’t know what to say. I…have nothing funny to add. Wow. Just wow.
Okay, I’m back. I would check out his big rig, anytime. And when I say “big rig”… giggle.
@ Stacey: Are we discussing the possibility of another “mighty fine “staff””? Oh my, what images there are, dancing in my head!! lol
Living in a van down by the river never sounded so good. I could definitely handle that.
That was awesome UC. When we emailed I didn’t know you were going to make the profile. That’s just killing me.
“Looking for something REALLY hot”
*hands Rob a scorching tongue-pealing-when-you-take-a-sip-you-have-to-spit-it-out cocoa…. with marshmallows* 😉
He’s so hot and…greasy. UNF.
.
.
.
.
Marshmallows, Marshmallows, Marrrrshmallowwwwsss that’s a funny word.
I love with stuble or beard Rob better than clean shaving groomed Rob. So manly man
You just made my day.. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while, and the fact that it is the #2 in popularity is even funnier!
It’s number one now. Lol
I want to catch a ride with this particular trucker so bad!
Would he be driving a beer truck? I do think so…
So one of his hobbies is poledancing…Hmmm, I take it watching poledancing, or did he take a course himself?
Wonky trucker Rob working a pole. Um. Not sure how I feel about that particular image, hahaha! 😉
I’d love to know what route Rob’s truck is going through! I’d hitch a ride and never get out! Woot!
I’d like to see him and TomStu work the pole “Date Night” style.
Hmm…who would wear Tina Fey’s outfit? 😉
Am I the only one ready to set up an account so that I can start sending him virtual gifts?
Well I feel stupid because I clicked on “send instant message!”
I wanted to send him a “smooch”. 😉
What I love is that his profile is the most popular. I really, really want UC to post any “legit” emails asking to get to know him a little better
OK y’all, I love this post! 🙂
Rob looks so different when he’s got a beard, almost like a different person! I sometimes wonder if I’m gonna recognize him. I’m sure he does it because he just didn’t want to shave and it allows him to not be recognized a little(though it didn’t work too well in TX didn’t it?). Oh well Rob you’re trying to mingle, I applaud you for that! I wish you’d mingle with me here!
Not a fan of facial hair, I like to see the jawporn…Rob hurry up now and shave it all so we can gaze on the lovely jaw of yours! Grow some scruff, we ladies love that, but it’s hard when you’ve got your beard on, I’m not really feeling it! But still love you of course!
I love that the site still has it up!
“Individuality beard, cougar lover, vampire”
Love how you slipped vamp in!
You’re a genius.
Period.
I love it! But since ya’ll ain’t from Texas, ya’ll couldn’t be spect’d to know ya’ll didn’t have one ya’ll in the profile.
Ya’ll had a im, but it was spelt wrong. It’s spelt ’em. Thought surely ya’ll’d know that!
I went to sign up and leave a friendly message but it looks like they have yanked Rob’s profule
His profile’s not there, but he’s still the Number One search!!! hehehe
OT: Doesn’t that H&M model in the commercial look like Rob? Slightly…
REDUNKULOUS!
Who doesn’t have poll dancing as a hobby?
EPIC UC–LOVED this post–I’m speechless!
GREAT post…all Rob needs now is a companion monkey and he’s all set.
A companion monkey AND a CB radio!!!
Rob’s all about new technology so of course he has a CB (jk).
10-4 good buddy – this is mothatrucknbrit…
That would be worth hearing!
That’s the blue shirt he was wearing at 2010 Teen Choice Award where he won 2 awards or something, and he’s packed it for the grubby road trip as well… shows how laid back he is about these big shot awards. Other stars might spend hours sorting out an outfit, good old Rob just throws on his own t-shirt and jeans for the international media. I love him for that, unpretentious and doesn’t take himself too seriously. This guy’s personality’s uniquely refreshing, especially so in Hollywood.
OMG – I laughed so hard reading this. This has to be one of the top 5 LTR posts ever!
Gotta say I thought he was lookin a little like the “creeper” sitting outside my kids playground that I gave the stink eye to the other day…Just Kidding!
(Seriously, men with weird beards, puffy eyes, pulled down hats, and clothes that haven’t been changed in days should not hang outside any playgrounds unless they want to mess with one AGGRESSIVE mom. )
Holy shizz that was an LTR worth waitin for! 🙂 I busted a gut laughing. I’m glad I’m reading this at home instead of work, or I would not have gotten any work done! –Do me a favor and do a profile for my little cupcake (TomStu). You have to give Robbie a side kick PLEEEZE!
ps. I hope Robbie reads LTR, or maybe a buddy of his reads LTR and can relay this one to him. It was one of your better efforts. (and their all pretty damn good).
cheerios!
-H
[…] RobGASP! I know! I said it. And I don’t really mean it. I could never have too much of that Motha Truckn’ Brit, but it is possible that the Twilight saga, the actors & the story were just too overexposed. […]
UC, you are brilliant! All LTT/LTR posts are great, but every once and awhile, there’s a post that’s just a head above the rest. Love, love, loved this one. I’m wiping away the tears!
omg. the account is no longer there.. lol. but it was fun while it lasted!! :))
🙁 Boo! Who reported it was a fake? Probably Rob himself. Lol