What if Rob wasn’t famous: The American Trucker

Dear Rob,

Be still my hopeful heart

I’d be lying if I said I was feeling your “look” as you road trip across American with Sam & Tom. I’m not opposed to a little beardage- Mr. Choice has been rocking the full beard for about a year now and I know first-hand what sort of pleasures it can bring. But I think mix that with your sweat from the Texas heat, plus your new-found love for American beer at Cricket’s bar’s $2.50 PBR “College Night,” and your apparently interest in American football, you lost a little of your British charm this past week. Sure, sure- you were seen holding a guitar & my heart jumped a beat thinking of you entertaining the folks at a local Houston watering hole, but then I got real and admitted to myself you were more likely to be playing the latest Kid Rock song than making the crowd swoon with some mellow, Brit folk these days.

You look like you belong on a Big Rig. Yes, my imagination has run wild again and I’ve been thinking about what you might be like if you weren’t famous. And “Truck Driver Across America” comes to mind. Unfortunately. Not that it’s all bad- Instead of Van Morrison your musical tastes would be Charlie Daniels or Hank Jr. And they’re pretty legendary. You wouldn’t need to worry about being caught behind a dumpster because you’d always have your cab you could take girls to. You’d never have to worry about combing your hair cause you could just permanently wear your hat. Plus Hot Pockets are even BETTER at 4 am when you heat them up in the microwave at the Flyer J Truck Stop. Plus those places are one-stop-shops- when you roll up, you just put your name on the list and they CALL YOU when your shower is ready! No need to remember to shower when “Flo” behind the counter keeps you updated and makes sure your water is warm. Plus the best thing about the stretch of highway in rural Georgia on your way into Florida? Naked waitresses at the late night diner!

So I did what any normal blogger who loves you through thick & thin, good and bad, would do: I googled the crap out of “Trucker Social networking Site” until I came across: Trucker Passions. And I set you up with a profile.

Because I think that the nice people at trucker passions will probably reject your profile as “fake” in the next few hours (even though I read their guidelines about nudity and changed your profile picture from the one I wanted to use- Cut off Flannel shirt ala Larry the Cable Guy up top and nothing on down below- to something more truck driver appropriate) Here is a screenshot of your profile at TruckerPassions.com. You’re welcome, Motha Truckn’ Brit

Click to make me nice & big (twss)

Rob drives a truck

Keep on Truckin’,

Thanks to Zeph for your help!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

130 Responses to “What if Rob wasn’t famous: The American Trucker”

  1. superhumanmoron says:

    That stretch from rural Georgia into Florida? Looks like someone has stopped at the Cafe Risque.

    • i might have begged mr. choice to stop once or twice when we lived in nashville & went to visit his parents in Tampa…… he said that would be weird though. WEIRD? NO. AWESOME

      • Rachel B says:

        Weird? Tell me what is weird about the best waffles & steak this side of the Mississippi?

      • Krystle says:

        I live in Tampa & have driving the Detroit/Tampa stretch a few times…….are you talking about all those billboards that say “Bare All” and “Showers for Truckers”? That made the 20 hour drive more interesting 😀

  2. drsaka says:

    That profile is hilarious!

    But don’t you think Trucker Rob just might be way too dangerous on the road? His driving skills are not the best.

    Remember his attempts to back up.

  3. Cazza says:

    Another good one UC!

    I still can’t believe they were only 10 minutes away from my house when the boys landed in Houston that night. Oh what could have been.

    However, please don’t hate, he really wasn’t looking his best. I want to meet GQ Rob not Trucker Rob or Lumberjack Rob…..it’s my way of justifying the fact that I missed him. When one of my RL chums found out what bar he was in that night she said “What the hell was he doing in there? That bar is a dive”. I had to explain that Rob likes dives, as if I
    really knew him. I mean, I do, don’t I?


  4. OMG that was hilarious! And that pic of lumberjack Rob is so appropriate too! Sorry Rob, we spend sooo much time drooling over how hot you are. But we gotta be honest when you turn up for road trips like this. Still love ya though!

    It BAFFLES me to see that how this man can go from THIS

    to THIS

    How he manages to switch from MountainMan Rob to f*ckhawt Rob is beyond me.

    • robgirl86 says:

      I can’t see nothing wrong……………… 🙂

    • drsaka says:

      That’s all part of his magic!

    • Oh I prefer exhibit no1 aka drunk Rob in a bar on a roadtrip (OMG!) to Oscar Rob anytime. Yep.

      • robgirl86 says:

        Can I have drunk OscarRob in a bar with trailer cap, jeans and blue shirt?

      • Speaking of drunk Rob, did anyone else notice how tired his eyes look? Poor baby, he’s probably not getting enough rest. I bet Tom/Sam/Marcus wants to pull up at every one of those diners with naked waitresses..bad bad BritPack! The Pretty needs his beauty sleep!

        OR, he must have had a lil’ too much to drink which is why his eyes look puffy. With Rob, the latter is the more probable explanation 😀

        Either way, I feel like, washing that sweaty hair, shaving that beard and giving him a long, relaxing bath (hello gutterland!). My intentions are perfectly noble, in case you are wondering. My main concern is his well-being, I swear!

    • Susiecueablelovesrob says:

      Yeah, that first pic was not his worst one. He looks kinda hot there!!!!! I agree with Robgirl86 – don’t see anything wrong!!That picture was in the beginning of the road trip.There were a few shots togheter with fans taken a few days later where he looks really wasted/tired….that’s really when he starts looking like a real trucker! Ha!! Sorry Rob, NOT your best look if you don’t mind me being honest!

    • southernbelle says:

      Honey the man has magic! Magic hair, magic jaw, magic legs, magic fingers, magic umm ok I am not gonna say it!

    • hermes says:

      How he manages to go from mountian man to caliente hombre (as we say here in calif).. is simple, he takes a bath and shaves 😉 — Granted he only does this once a month, but still, it can make your heart stop beating when he’s cleaned up a bit.

  5. I guess he didn’t want anymore all that paid sex by the highway with lovely old short fat women who wave with paper tissue rolls to show how clean their van is. True story, seen on TV.

    I was both laughing and screaming brain bleach emergency when, thank the trucks’ God, I realised he would fail all attempt of driving a truck. I can breathe now. If people contact the Motha Truckn’ Brit you HAVE to answer them.

  6. robgirl86 says:

    “Man looking for a woman” !!!!!!!!!!

    was all I read , cause I practise the selevtive reading when it comes to Trucker Rob, hot piece of man from Barnes!

    Love his sweaty hair on his forehead, I know I’m weird, don’t judge 🙂

  7. dazzledtodeath says:

    That profile is priceless. Movies-nothing but porn. Trucker Rob has a big stash of Hustlers in his cab too.

    I’m not really into full beards, but on Rob I won’t complain. I’m sure there are certain pleasures to be had when your guy has a beard, but there’s also crumbs, spilled beer and god knows what else. I would put up with it for Rob (only) and would even be willing to groom it for him.

  8. Bea says:

    I want to fill in the “Favorite Books” section on that profile!

  9. MidnightCougar says:

    Lmao UC, this was excellent – too funny! You never fail to make my day! “Individuality, …cougar lover” – haha!

    Just FYI, I just noticed that if I click on the “a profile” link in the letter, some of the About Me descriptions are a bit different from the copy at the bottom of your letter. Is Rob’s Trucker Passion’s Profile is being moderated?? lol

  10. fangbanger says:

    I’m disturbed by how much this trucker profile sounds like people that I actually know.

  11. Rockiestwitwin says:

    BAHAHAHAHA. Seriously needed a good laugh this morning ladies, it’s been a long, hard (twss) couple of weeks and this morning was particularly rough (twss) so I’m so thankful, as always, that I got a second to stop and read your post because I SRSLY needed a smile 🙂

    <3 you both,

  12. drsaka says:

    Perhaps he’s auditioning for a remake of the 1971 Speilberg movie ‘Duel’ or the classic ‘Convoy’.

    • Cath says:

      He totally is!!! Will he record his own version of the Convoy song too??? For everyone who wants to sing along by then…


      Arizona, noon, on the seventh of June
      When they highballed over the pass
      Bulldog Mack with a can on back
      And a Jaguar haulin’ ass
      He’s ten on the floor, stroke an’ bore
      Seatcover’s startin’ ta gain
      Now beaver, you a-truckin’ with the Rubber Duck
      An’ I’m about ta pull the plug on your drain

      ‘Cause we got a little ol’ convoy
      Rockin’ through the night
      Yeah, we got a little ol’ convoy,
      Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
      Come on and join our convoy
      Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way
      We gonna roll this truckin’ convoy
      ‘Cross the U-S-A

      [On the CB]
      Ah, breaker, Pig Pen, this here’s the Duck, again, and ah you wanna back off on them go-go girls? 10, roger, ’bout five mile or so. Yeah, them hogs is gettin’ in-tense up here.

      New Mexico, on I-four-oh
      Like a Texas lizard on glass
      One thousand pedals was mashin’ the metal
      Them bears was a-walkin’ the grass
      We trucked all day and we trucked all night
      Big Benny improvin’ our style
      We could tell by the smell
      We was headin’ for Hell
      And the Devil was Dirty Lyle

      ‘Cause we got a great big convoy
      Rockin’ through the night.
      Yeah, we got a great big convoy,
      Ain’t she a beautiful sight?
      Come on and join our convoy
      Ain’t nothin’ gonna get in our way.
      We gonna roll this truckin’ convoy
      ‘Cross the U-S-A.

    • B says:

      I can’t believe anyone else remembers “Convoy”!!! I grew up with a dad that was an over the road trucker. I vividly remember that this was his FAVORITE movie! When it came to town, my parents threw us in the back of their Pinto wagon and went to the drive in to see it. He also owned the vinyl soundtrack album and played it ALL. THE. TIME. I had hoped I’d never hear the theme song again!!!!

      But yeah, Rob should totally star in the remake.

      • drsaka says:

        We pride ourselves on dredging up all sorts of (questionable) stuff here! jk jk. Sorry that you were subjected to that song though, its pretty terrible! We could change the lyrics to make them more Rob-centric, would that help?

        • B says:

          I think that song would only be acceptable if you were able to get Rob himself to sing it, while wearing nothing but his work boots and lounging across the hood of his Peterbilt.

  13. kandnandb says:

    One time, while in college, my husband-to-be & I were driving down Columbus’s outerbelt after a viewing of Forrest Gump and I decided to give him roadhead. (What can I say-all that peas & carrots talk made me horny) Anyhow, stupid me forgot that 18 wheelers are so much higher than regular old cars so I happen to look up and there’s a truck driver leering & cheering me on. Ewwww. Anyway, the point of my story is that if that trucker had been Rob, I would have kindly asked my husband-to-be to pull over then I would have flagged Rob down & escaped in his big rig (TWSS). Sorry hubby but Rob’s my Jenny. (Or am I Jenny? I’m confused.)

  14. BarnesGirl11 says:

    And yet he is STILL yummy!

    Howe does he do it?


  15. robsfuturemate says:

    It’s gonna be a good day when an LTR is here, I can feel it!

    Rob loves cougars, yay!! (wait, I’m a puma will that work for you Rob?) LOVED IT!!!!

  16. misty says:

    I got a nice place where you can park and eat….you can teach me how to drive stick shift.

    omg it’s too early to say sh!t like that!!!

  17. eatmyjorts says:

    Bwahahahahahaha…this is one of my favourite posts ever. So many many reasons why this man should never drive anything bigger than a bicycle.

    As for the trucker look, I nearly wet myself when I saw that *photo* of leering drunk-looking Rob the other day – I’m sure it’s burned into your brains, I think he’s tired of the pretty. It’s brought him some good stuff, but sooooooo much hassle too, I can see why he’d give it a rest. Maybe the pretty will suffocate under all that facial hair & NEVER come back.

    • robgirl86 says:

      you wish, you wish?, you just can’t see what I see ! 🙂

      • eatmyjorts says:

        Don’t get me wrong, I like the pretty. It’s just that I understand the kind of English Bloke Rob is, & how much he’ll hate the kind of attention his looks bring him. Not much of a preener that lad. He’ll be happier when he ages.

        • robgirl86 says:

          I know I know :-), I was kidding and you know it…dunno about his own “beauty standards”, it’s hard to be judged all day about a beard that you wear in your lazytime, read a lot of stupid comments like….where is GQ-Rob…blabla….I would HATE it!

        • JenloveRob says:

          The pretty is a bonus, okay a big bonus in Rob’s case.
          I always knew he was a pretty boy way back in his Cedric Diggory days but after watching a million interviews and getting to know his humor & absolute charm I fell hard, way hard.

          And remember if the cab’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’!

    • Obava says:

      Let’s just hope the Pretty doesn’t go all Joaquin Phoenix on us. I love Beardy Rob, but defs dont need to see Dreadlock Rob or Unabomber Rob!

      xo obava

  18. JulieP says:

    Total win. I’ll be giggling at that all day. Thanks UC. You gals are total class!
    I never wanted to hitchhike in a big truck before, now it’s moved right to the top of my ‘to do’ list.

  19. Smitten says:

    bloody brilliant! I am especially glad to see he love cougars!

    “Help us keep Trucker Passions free of spam and fake profiles.” Sorry, no can do. Too funny!

  20. Dee says:

    LMAO Hilarious !!! I went to the site and it’s sad…he has no messages. I almost want to join to so he has a few. 🙂

  21. Susie says:

    omg – – the profile is EPIC! I am still roflmao.
    Awesome post today. 🙂

  22. JennB33 says:

    Hilarious! Although I suspect his grammar is exemplary, he is rather well-read.
    I can’t wait to hear if there will be some kind of mass hysteria from people who think that he’s really going to be a truck driver. Sightings, perhaps? With Elvis?

    This is hilarious. Thank you for the laugh!

    P.S. Rob, if you really do take up trucking, there are lots of truck stops up here in Vermont that are on desolate roads, no lights. Imma meet you there! Your cab will be nice and cozy for us!

  23. theC says:

    Being the wife of a equally hot trucker…..,I like trucker Rob,and the beard most definitely has it’s advantages!

  24. thebonfire says:

    i love you forever for the grateful dead reference. rob and my band together… doesnt get any better for me.

  25. robgirl86 says:

    Have to say it again: I love love love the Guitar-PIC!

    • southernbelle says:

      Me too, it has a dreamlike state doesn’t it? This is how dreams look like(in my head), without the beard of course! 🙂


  26. The Old One says:

    Great post, UC! I shed a tear for the end of British Rob and how he’s embracing his adopted country, out roamin’ on the lonely desert highways in his truck, with his bros, going all Willy Nelson on us with the guitar and beard. Next thing you know, he’ll be growing out his hair and braiding it Indian-style, holing up at his ranch and evading taxes . . . Sigh.

  27. Stacey says:

    I…I don’t know what to say. I…have nothing funny to add. Wow. Just wow.

    Okay, I’m back. I would check out his big rig, anytime. And when I say “big rig”… giggle.

    • MC says:

      @ Stacey: Are we discussing the possibility of another “mighty fine “staff””? Oh my, what images there are, dancing in my head!! lol

  28. ZephyerSky says:

    Living in a van down by the river never sounded so good. I could definitely handle that.
    That was awesome UC. When we emailed I didn’t know you were going to make the profile. That’s just killing me.

  29. LadyN says:

    “Looking for something REALLY hot”

    *hands Rob a scorching tongue-pealing-when-you-take-a-sip-you-have-to-spit-it-out cocoa…. with marshmallows* 😉

    He’s so hot and…greasy. UNF.
    Marshmallows, Marshmallows, Marrrrshmallowwwwsss that’s a funny word.

  30. niahid says:

    I love with stuble or beard Rob better than clean shaving groomed Rob. So manly man

  31. naturaladdict says:

    You just made my day.. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while, and the fact that it is the #2 in popularity is even funnier!

  32. Cath says:

    I want to catch a ride with this particular trucker so bad!

    Would he be driving a beer truck? I do think so…

    So one of his hobbies is poledancing…Hmmm, I take it watching poledancing, or did he take a course himself?

    Wonky trucker Rob working a pole. Um. Not sure how I feel about that particular image, hahaha! 😉

    • southernbelle says:

      I’d love to know what route Rob’s truck is going through! I’d hitch a ride and never get out! Woot!

    • theseviolentdelights says:

      I’d like to see him and TomStu work the pole “Date Night” style.
      Hmm…who would wear Tina Fey’s outfit? 😉

  33. LattersBaby says:

    Am I the only one ready to set up an account so that I can start sending him virtual gifts?

  34. southernbelle says:

    OK y’all, I love this post! 🙂

    Rob looks so different when he’s got a beard, almost like a different person! I sometimes wonder if I’m gonna recognize him. I’m sure he does it because he just didn’t want to shave and it allows him to not be recognized a little(though it didn’t work too well in TX didn’t it?). Oh well Rob you’re trying to mingle, I applaud you for that! I wish you’d mingle with me here!

    Not a fan of facial hair, I like to see the jawporn…Rob hurry up now and shave it all so we can gaze on the lovely jaw of yours! Grow some scruff, we ladies love that, but it’s hard when you’ve got your beard on, I’m not really feeling it! But still love you of course!

  35. I love that the site still has it up!

  36. an'yergroundedfertherestofyerlife says:

    “Individuality beard, cougar lover, vampire”

    Love how you slipped vamp in!

  37. libby says:

    You’re a genius.

  38. Sharon says:

    I love it! But since ya’ll ain’t from Texas, ya’ll couldn’t be spect’d to know ya’ll didn’t have one ya’ll in the profile.
    Ya’ll had a im, but it was spelt wrong. It’s spelt ’em. Thought surely ya’ll’d know that!

  39. Rob's flaming dashboard says:

    I went to sign up and leave a friendly message but it looks like they have yanked Rob’s profule

  40. roslynselene says:

    OT: Doesn’t that H&M model in the commercial look like Rob? Slightly…

  41. Janetrigs says:

    Who doesn’t have poll dancing as a hobby?

  42. yertlesmom says:

    EPIC UC–LOVED this post–I’m speechless!

  43. blvr says:

    GREAT post…all Rob needs now is a companion monkey and he’s all set.

  44. Chrisa says:

    That’s the blue shirt he was wearing at 2010 Teen Choice Award where he won 2 awards or something, and he’s packed it for the grubby road trip as well… shows how laid back he is about these big shot awards. Other stars might spend hours sorting out an outfit, good old Rob just throws on his own t-shirt and jeans for the international media. I love him for that, unpretentious and doesn’t take himself too seriously. This guy’s personality’s uniquely refreshing, especially so in Hollywood.

  45. KatyTX says:

    OMG – I laughed so hard reading this. This has to be one of the top 5 LTR posts ever!

  46. hitc4manynewmoons says:

    Gotta say I thought he was lookin a little like the “creeper” sitting outside my kids playground that I gave the stink eye to the other day…Just Kidding!

    (Seriously, men with weird beards, puffy eyes, pulled down hats, and clothes that haven’t been changed in days should not hang outside any playgrounds unless they want to mess with one AGGRESSIVE mom. )

  47. hermes says:

    Holy shizz that was an LTR worth waitin for! 🙂 I busted a gut laughing. I’m glad I’m reading this at home instead of work, or I would not have gotten any work done! –Do me a favor and do a profile for my little cupcake (TomStu). You have to give Robbie a side kick PLEEEZE!

    ps. I hope Robbie reads LTR, or maybe a buddy of his reads LTR and can relay this one to him. It was one of your better efforts. (and their all pretty damn good).

  48. […] RobGASP! I know! I said it. And I don’t really mean it. I could never have too much of that Motha Truckn’ Brit, but it is possible that the Twilight saga, the actors & the story were just too overexposed. […]

  49. Luludee says:

    UC, you are brilliant! All LTT/LTR posts are great, but every once and awhile, there’s a post that’s just a head above the rest. Love, love, loved this one. I’m wiping away the tears!

  50. chochang says:

    omg. the account is no longer there.. lol. but it was fun while it lasted!! :))

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