Meet Rob in Nawlins

Dear Myself,

Dear Rob,

It’s been awhile since “you” have answered your fanmail and the bag is over-flowing…. Andddddd go!

SUBJECT: ..could you help me?

well, I´m so …”tired”, I have no idea how can I contact by email, phone or…?.. with Rob. I don´t need his photos, his videos, his notice about his private life.. only I want to hear his voice, I can explain myself : I ´m working in a music shop and when I´m watching a movie, I pay special attention in the music then, in twilight , when I heard “never think” It was difficult no stop to look for the singer but with “let me sign” , was necessary to stop and take information about him. I´m a fan of Tom Waits, and his voice made me feel that this person likes him too. I like deep voices even his friends Marcus Foster and Bobby Long have two special songs but.. I mean.. in Rob is like, for me , of course, when he sings …. “he is himself, no a mask”.

I beg you, please, give him this email.

I hate scream… I hate when the paparazzis oppress him, it´s something to afraid of.
I´m from Spain (so cute Rob like Dalí), I´m not on facebook, twitter… there are a lot of information confusing me, I don´t trust , so.. please, If you are so kind to answer me, I´ll be greatful.

yours,

Rosa.

p.d.:
excuse me for my troubles, I don´t speak very well and all your information I´ll never be share I promise you by contract if you like it. sure.
I want give you my telephone number but really I don´t know where this email goes, perhaps next time?…
Anyway, thank you for all.

boo

Rosa,

Good news- you can rest your tired, weary soul & fingers because you’ve fond me. I your Spanish Dali, you my Rosa. We have much in common. I, too, hate “Scream.” And what does TV do to me every year at this time? Play Scream 1-3 24/7 leading up to Halloween. I mean, Courtney Cox should not Play a trashy reporter- how dare they make her seem as low as the paparazzi? She’s a COUGAR. Cougars are MY people.

Speaking of Paparazzi, I hate when they oppress me too. can’t they just let stop exercising their authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner? (had to look that one up. big word)

I’m glad we’ve connected. No need for a contract, I’ll send you my contact information via Airmail, just as soon as this oppression ends…..
Love,
Rob

Oh there’s more, after the jump!

Subject: Special Order

Hello,

Hello Am Douglas and i will like to know if you do have teddy bear…. And i will like you to advise me with the once you have and the price range on that too as well as if you accept credit card so that we can proceed ASAP.

Waiting to hear from you soon ….

Douglas
montpelier VT

RobandTeddy

I'm not willing to share

Douglas,

I believe you sent me this piece of correspondence by mistake, but I’m so glad you did because I, too, am looking for teddy bear. My friend TomStu has been begging for one for ages now and his birthday is coming up. I have tried to enter a Toys R’ Us on a few occasions, but overtime I get out of my car and start to head towards the building, there’s always a collision of mini vans out front. This last time there was like a 5 minivan pile-up & I have to say, despite what the bumper stickers said, they did not, indeed Drive Like Cullens.

Let me know if you come across Teddy Bear online. I thought it was a good idea to give TomStu the Jacob Black doll for his last birthday and he loved it, but complained it wasn’t snuggly enough after his first night sleeping with it. I really have to find teddy bear.

Love,
Rob
New Orelans, LA

Subject: Looking forward to being BFFs

Greetings to you Rob,

I am another twifan trying to seek out information about the exact filming location of Breaking Dawn. Like I said, just another fan. However the difference is I have been to hundreds of Internet sites and have joined just about as many trying to find out this information.

If the rumors are true about Louisiana being the state that has been chosen, then what I would need to know is the city. A name of a cross street would be extremely helpful as well. You see this is not just for me! I would love to surprise my three daughters, as well as my granddaughter with a once in a life time surprise road trip to visit this filming site while in production.

I would be willing to sign a contract of confidentiality if need be. I am quit serious about trying to full-fill this dream of mine for my family. Thank you so very much for your time and I do appreciate any information that you would send my way.

Lakeesha

GTL H-P, Baby (Guess what the HP means....)

Dear Lakeesha,

What’s with you people willing to sign contracts with me today? I don’t know any legaleeze, but I’m sure I can figure out how to come up with a contract binding you to serving me hot pockets for the rest of my life! You wouldn’t want that now, would you? (No seriously, would you?)

The rumors are true. Louisiana is the state chosen to full-fill the dreams of Twihards everywhere. Those little oiled shrimpies in the sea won’t know what hit them when I start consuming pounds of pounds of them cajun-style every day (wrapped in a thin flaky crust & covered in cheese whiz and heated by the microwave, first, of course) To full-fill their destiny they must get in my tummy.

Well, I’m not even sure where we’re filming in Lousiana because they blindfold me every morning as they drive me on to set. They don’t want even me to spill the secrets to any outsiders. However, I do have it on good authority that Isle Esme will be filmed at the Jersey Shore- it’s gained a lot of notoriety in recent years as a girl named Snooki full-filled her destiny there. How about you meet us there and you can play the housekeeper and her grandchildren can be the feather throwers- will that full-fill your wishes for this dream for your family?

Otherwise, just head on down to “Nawlins” and make sure to bring some beads and wear them around your neck. I have my eye on you, your daughters & your granddaughter- that is if she’s 18, of course.

Love,
Rob

Why do I always end up writing like Rob is semi-retarded? Or socially awkward? Is that REALLY the picture I have of him in my mind?

Can I also say that no matter how badly written a non-native English speaker’s email is, it’s always a million times better than me writing in anything except pig latin. ausecay ihay uleray athay igpay atlinlay

MTV made that AMAZING Jersey Shore manip!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

81 Responses to “Meet Rob in Nawlins”

  1. robgirl86 says:

    OMG…speechless here

    kinda cute Rosa, loving his VOICE
    kinda scary Douglas “montpelier” (???), Teddy bear fetishist
    very embarrassing the stalkerTwimom

    but the visual of this….UC….TOO funny 🙂
    “Well, I’m not even sure where we’re filming in Lousiana because they blindfold me every morning as they drive me on to set.”

    Dear Rob
    I would sign ANYTHING for/with/on.. YOU
    🙂
    love
    me
    <3

  2. Obava says:

    I read this as “a contract binding you to SERVICE me with hot pockets,” which got me thinking…

    I am going to full-fill my destiny today by reading more FF

    xo obava

  3. minuit_passe says:

    Impressed with the sense of detail on the Jersey manip. The hair!!!

  4. alice_av says:

    well, everyone can dream…

    I love this line
    “To full-fill their destiny they must get in my tummy.” Oh Rob, i will get into your tummy if necessary lol..

  5. libby says:

    I think Rob is definitely socially awkward… at least that’s how I picture him.
    The Douglas letter… bwahahahahahahaa poor TomStu!

  6. LatersBaby says:

    Terrific post, UC. I feel both sad and giggly as I read these letters.

    “Why do I always end up writing like Rob is semi-retarded? Or socially awkward?”

    The way you write solidifies the picture I have in my head: It’s three a.m., Rob is sitting at a messy desk with a huge pile of letters, an overflowing ashtray, a cup of coffee, and a Heine. He is pulling an all-nighter because he’s behind on his responses. He isn’t semi-retarded, he is just so, so, tired…especially when he has to stop writing to search Google maps and teddy bear shops.

  7. allryans says:

    I object to that picture as it is most obvious when you listen to Rob sing that he is “no a mask.”

  8. Keisha says:

    Awwww, I miss the “Dear Myself” picture! Or any picture of him smiling.

  9. melronin says:

    Rob
    1. When you sing you are everything BUT a mask!
    2. I don’t wanna buy you a Teddy…I wanna be your Teddy!!!
    3. This manip is absolutely “IhavenowordsforitIcantevenlookatit”

    Miss you
    Mel

  10. dazzledtodeath says:

    I love the way you write Rob’s responses-I picture him in his hotel room, sitting cross-legged on the floor, amidst the debris of Hot Pocket wrappers, beer bottles and Coke cans, earnestly attempting to decipher his fan letters and dictating his replies to TomStu.

    • LatersBaby says:

      So funny! Maybe Rob carries portable file cabinet filled with letters he takes from place to place. Sometimes he’s in a hotel room with Coke and TomStu, sometimes his trailer, restaurants…his huge man-bag is starting to make more sense. He is always playing catch up with those darn letters…

  11. robsfuturemate says:

    “I have to say, despite what the bumper stickers said, they did not, indeed Drive Like Cullens.”

    Hilarious, 5 mini van pile up!!!

    And is it sad that these kind of letters, yet again, make me feel NORMAL?!?!

    • P.S. says:

      I was at Toys R Us yesterday, laughing as I walked through the parking lot looking for the 5 minivan pile up! When I got inside, the first thing I saw was a HUGE bin of Twilight and New Moon crap on final clearance!

  12. MidnightCougar says:

    “…they blindfold me every morning…” – Can I PLEASE have the blindfolding-of-Rob-every-morning job? 😉 I could use another vacation to the US, Louisiana you say? *calling the airlines right now*

  13. drsaka says:

    So funny, hilarious once again-

    Dear Rosa,
    ‘here are a lot of information confusing me’. I feel exactly the same way (about life in general too). I’ll help if I can,
    Me

    Dear Lakeesha,
    ‘A name of a cross street would be extremely helpful as well.’- Don’t you know about the (offensive) app for Rob’s whereabouts? See as previous LTR.
    Me

    Dear Douglas, I’m confused (see my response to Rosa), are you trying to buy a teddy bear from Rob? The Rob Pattinson yard sale has not been scheduled, as far as I know. But perhaps Rob will like this business idea and go into producing his own line of stuffed animals (can’t be odder than The Bieb pushing….nail polish).
    Me

    Dear Rob, I’m so sorry.
    Me

    • dazzledtodeath says:

      Last night, my 7 y/o daughter came to me and said,”Mom, I know what you’d like-if there was a thing on the computer called Pattinsonwatch, where you could always see what he’s doing.” This would be helpful to any crazy fans/stalkers as well, although, as I said to my daughter, Rob probably wouldn’t be so thrilled about it.

      Maybe I should spend less time on the computer when she’s around…

    • robsfuturemate says:

      Dear Rosa, if you want the exact location, you can google it. It’s very common! Or just try onlocationvactation and look for BD filming. Do we have to do everything for you fans?! Let’s be simple about this, it usually works!

  14. theseviolentdelights says:

    Okay, the last one creeped me out just a tad.

    “so that we can proceed ASAP”

    Proceed with what? A teddy bear club? A (one-sided)sexual predator meet-up? I am confuzzled.

  15. misty says:

    First letter:
    ‘“let me sign” , (it) was necessary to stop and take information about him’…. DOUBLE CHECK AND TOTES NORMAL 🙂 (’causeIdidthesamethingifyouknowwhatImsayin)

  16. misty says:

    Third Letter
    “I am quit serious about trying to full-fill this dream of mine for my family.”

    Ummmm…what you talking ’bout Willis????? Me confused, are these people for real???? Let me get this right, your family dream is not to live a long, loving and healthy life together but to find where BD is filimg and set stalk??? Do yourself a favour and seek help ASAP.

  17. misty says:

    Dear UC and Moon,
    Thanks for posting the old pic of Rob ‘writing us love letters’ and not signing autographs today…it brings back good memories!!

    xoxo
    m.

  18. Beaspoon says:

    Hahahahaha! This made me laugh. Seriously, it blows my mind that there are people out there who A) spell and write so atrociously; and B) actually think these e-mails are getting to Rob. One can dream, I suppose. Actually, no, scratch that. I think I’d be super embarrassed if I ever found out that Rob actually read any of my own LTR! Lol.

    This was hilarious though. Loved the part about giving TomStu the Jacob Black doll and also where Rob says that he is blindfolded every morning before going to the set. The way things are going these days…it might not be far from the truth! Lol.

    Great post:)

  19. Stacey says:

    UC…I know Halloween is coming, but did you really want to scare me today? The Scream mask and The Situation w/ poor Rob’s face on him. Now, nightmares for me. (Mostly if you add in Snooki. *shiver*)

  20. Edible Art ? says:

    awww I feel bad making fun of non – english speakers but really – they make it soooooo easy – you mad people get off the internet before you do yourself some damage !!!!

  21. southernbelle says:

    Hey everyone I’m back from my vacation and everything else! *waves*

    These letters are so hilarious, especially the one about the Teddy bear, wth? Seriously? LOL

    Dear Rob,

    If you want the perfect Teddy Bear for Tom, go to Build-A-Bear. There you can find anything your heart will fancy and you can make a custom one for your friend Tom….maybe one that dresses like him :).

    I sure would love a Teddy Bear that dresses like Edward Cullen!

    Love,
    Me

  22. Jamie says:

    Oh, VT, Home of the Vermont Teddybear Factory, strolling of the heffiers, and lack of anti-public nudity laws, how I love you. Seriously though, you guys get the weirdest letters…..

  23. Cath says:

    Why do I always end up writing like Rob is semi-retarded? Or socially awkward? Is that REALLY the picture I have of him in my mind?

    Hahaha UC, I don’t know, I think Rob’s sounds surprisingly coherent in his answer letters. That when we all know that his interviews can be quite the opposite, a la wordvomit, or performance art as I recently labeled it, hehehe. 😉

    Dear Rob,

    Your performance art still rocks though. Any day, any day!

    Love,

    Me

  24. Nadia737 says:

    Hot Pockets!

  25. Michelle foster says:

    How do you guys actually talk to robert pattinson. casue i want to to. plzzzzzzzzzz 🙁

  26. eatmyjorts says:

    Hey Sweetie! This is a fan blog where people (UC & Moon mostly)write humorous letters to Rob that they wish he’d read, but no-one knows if he does, although he is reputed to look stuff up on the Internet. If you really want to write to him then I’d suggest googling his agent’s details & sending a letter there. Here’s just for fun.
    Good luck.

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