Coming out of the Robsessed closet
I (UC) have spent the weekend with my college roommate who is visiting from Nashville. While she’s a Twilight fan & enjoys Rob Pattinson- she is NOT a fan like I am! I thought this “How I Fell For Rob” fan letter was quite appropriate for today. Also, I’ve spent the last 48 hours reminiscing that one weekend in college when roommate & I only left the apartment ONCE to feed ourselves & spent the rest of the time being in love with Adam Brody on The OC. Yes, we’ve spent the weekend indoors watching Season 1. Mr. Choice is proud to be my husband this weekend.
After one year of silent suffering I decided to come out of the
Robsessed closet (okay I know this blog is anonymous). I believe the I
Should come clean and confess, to my friends, its is you I run home to
after a shitty day and suppose I’ll get to that later today.
But the first thing I feel I need to do is apologize to you. Oh Rob,
I’m sorry I haven’t been brave enough to let the world now only you
can satisfy me enough to keep the box of chocolates intact after three
hours of running after a toddler in a crowded park.
Since the first time I put my eyes on you I couldn’t get you out of
head. The thought of you swimming naked on a lake (thank you, Dalí)
keeps me warm in all the right places. At first I thought it was just
lust, but I heard you singing and I couldn’t deny I’d been captured.
I believe I must be in love with you; and I tell you I feel like an
out of place Juliet. No, my parents don’t have anything to say about
my… hum…connection to you. For one, I don’t have to listen to my
parents since I’m over thirty.
However, I do feel peer pressure and it is hard to keep my one sided
relationship with you from my closest friends, but I do it out of
love. They can be mean.
Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with you, nothing remotely wrong with
you. The problem is me. Really! Being part of a well educated, raised
in privilege, very well read, well traveled, holders of masters
degrees group of confident women has some downsides. We are all very
critical of the type of men one in our group might chose to get
involved with. Trust me, we are involved.
A couple of years ago, when I first mentioned your name after watching
“Little Ashes” by myself on a Saturday evening, I got them curious.
They wanted to see the face of the boy who had kept me up all night
googling pictures and movie credits.
In hindsight, I was a little naive throwing you to the lions before
doing a background check. I spoke of you not having researched your
age, not taking into consideration your lack of
experience with this specific crowd and so forth. My dearest Rob,
these women are movie critics, journalists and social media experts.
Half an hour after I left my friends watch me melt over the mere sound
of your name; phone calls, im messages, emails and tweets poured into
Mostly they were making fun of our age difference, and I would have
been ready for it had I know you were so young, but what really got to
me was how they ridiculed me for falling for a Hollywood star on the
rise, someone the masses had already claimed their own.
Please, Rob, understand my background before you judge me. In my world
it is not considered cool to follow any trends, and if we must pick a
Hollywood star to be dazzled by I would have to say the man du jour
would be Javier Bardem.
To my friends you are just a not very clean looking twenty something
who plays a teenage vampire, they don’t care that your face was
designed to achieve perfection. They don’t see the importance of being
hypnotized by a voice that was made to make girl feel tingly inside.
I went home defeated. These women are hard to impress, they have lunch
with governors and ministers for crying out loud. I googled you one
more time and painfully said my goodbyes, there was no room for you in
I bid you farewell gifting us with a night of mind blowing imaginary
sex (God must have been in love at the time he made you – guess He was
showing off, trying to impress someone.)
The next morning, I woke up determined to detox you out of my system:
No drooling over you Dossier pictures – Yummy!; no Twilight movies,
books, chat rooms, nothing; no sound of your voice in a human hearing
ration. I had to cut you out of my life if I wanted to earn my friends
My first relapse happened 72 hours after my first day of detox. I
missed you dearly and I thought if I could just take a bath listening
to you singing live at Whiskey a Go-Go, rehab would still be on track
and I’d feel so alive again. Man, I could be blind and you would still
make me wanna la la.
Next thing I know, I was all “Fuck this – why fight the devil when
burning feels so good, right?” I got over my desire to rehabilitate
myself of Robamine addiction and decided I could have you all to
myself and still keep my friends thinking I was the coolest in the
group, I just had to face the facts.
FACT. I couldn’t get over you if my life depended on it. FACT. The
sound of your voice makes me tingle in weird places. And FACT. Oh how
I could just look at your face all day long if I didn’t have a staff
of 14 people to manage.
So I made peace with my current predicament and came up with a new
plan, a better plan: I would protect you from their men eating
jeopardy using an alias for you. I could still have the pleasure of
sharing with my friends my fantasies of all the very bad things I’d to
you were we ever in the same room together.
Rob, I won’t lie to you. At least for the time being, I’ll keep our
relationship a secret, but just know this: I am very sorry, I must
pretend its Jon Stewart I daydream about, I feel extremely guilty when
I come home at night and face you on my computer screen. It’s like I
cheated on you and I could swear one night you looked like you knew I
was ashamed to let the world know I love you, but, baby, the world
isn’t ready for us.
Maybe one day society will be able to accept a woman like me loving a
boy such as yourself. Maybe then my snobby friends will get over the
whole “fast rising star” label and respect my love for you because it
will last forever – as long as in my head I can keep you as
intellectually gifted as Anderson Cooper. Just for tonight, its girl’s
night out, I’ll describe in detail how every inch of my body begs for
a taste of you and by the way, I’ll call you Bill Maher.
I know you have pals that aren’t as into Rob as you are- do they get it at all? Or do you have to fake it around them? Do you hide the Robsession?? Or do you just pretend he’s someone else that is more “acceptable” to crush on!?