Rob should be my sugar daddy
Guess how many hours I worked yesterday (14) while standing & wearing really adorable boots that I now want to burn (14). Thank God for Jodie’s letter submission earlier this week! Enjoy! I LOVED all the Rob pics she sent along!
I think you should be my sugar daddy. Sorry to just dump that on you, but I saw no sense in beating about the bush. I know we don’t fit the conventional image of the sugar daddy/kept woman relationship, but I assure you I have never put much stock in being conventional. Listen, I’m not some gross old cougar trying to get into your pants, or run away with millions of dollars, before selling a lurid story to Inside Edition. I’m not some big-chested (sorry) floozy and I have no illusions that you would prefer me over some young starlet with a hot ass. But aren’t you tired of not having a place of your own to call home? Wouldn’t you like to have someplace to keep your big yellow duffel bag so you don’t have to carry all your Earthly possessions with you on your back? I can help you with that. So long as you help me realize my dream of getting paid for not having a job.
Please read my full proposal before making your decision. I encourage you to address any questions or concerns you may have.
First and foremost we must discuss the house. I would like to suggest setting up in a coastal town here in Maine. It’s lovely and tranquil and a perfect spot to get away from all the pressures of your life. A natural reserve is bred into the people of this area so you can bet everyone will mind their p’s and q’s and stay the hell out of your business.
We also tend to give such vague answers when asked for directions (“You caan’t get they-ah from hee-yah”) that any paparazzi willing to make the trip would be hard-pressed to actually find us. Besides, Martha Stewart and John Travolta have done a pretty good job of scaring away any potential looky-loos.
I’d suggest buying a historical house with a bit of land. Land is a fantastic investment no matter what the housing market might be doing. You know, dogs love the space to run freely and I could watch after the fella while you are off overseas. I hear quarantine laws can be a real pain in the ass. It will also allow me to grow fresh vegetables, pumpkins, and berries. Maybe we can have some chickens for fresh eggs? How do you like your eggs in the morning? (Not a pick up line.)
Despite the fresh veggies and eggs I figure I’ll need about $500 per month for groceries. I’d like to eat healthier and unfortunately that costs the big bucks. If you or your boys will be around for any length of time we I’ll need you to kick in a bit extra to cover the beer.
Unlike your regular gold-digger I’m not one of those women who demands an exotic vacation in a five star hotel with a cabana boy to peel my grapes, but I DO have friends scattered all over the world. I don’t travel all that often and I’m generally pretty frugal when I do. I sleep on other peoples’ couches or I share rooms with others and I don’t need first class when flying domestic (although I wouldn’t complain if I had it…). $2000 per year for travel expenses should cover my occasional trips. If for some reason you require my presence at a premier, awards show, friend’s band’s concert, etc. I will expect you to provide tickets and accommodations.
I know this is quadruple your own yearly clothing allowance, but I would require $500 per year for clothing expenses. I’m a girl, it’s different. You’re getting off easy. Just trust me on that. Any formal wear or red carpet type dresses (and accessories) I may be required to wear will need to be provided by you. I don’t expect this to be a problem since you can at any time find a date who would look much better in a dress, but if you say the word, I’m at your disposal.
Maine winters can be pretty treacherous, so I would never insist upon an impractical sport car, but I think a new car every seven years is reasonable. I would appreciate something attractive that isn’t a gas guzzler that won’t catch on fire. I’m no mechanic, but I’m pretty sure that fire=bad. I’ll hint around that I’d like a convertible, but I’m not married to the idea. Just so long as there is a trunk big enough for a couple guitars and a few bags of mulch we’ll be good.
$600 per month for general boring bills that grown-ups like us are forced to endure. Unless the price of heating oil goes up and then we may need to renegotiate. Sometimes it sucks being a grown-up, huh? Who knew?
Now, it’s well established that you are a slob, and let’s be honest, I’m hardly a neatnik myself, so for our own safety I would need a house keeper. Preferably one with a sassy attitude a la Benson or Florence. I know you are too young to know those references, but I’ll school you in all kinds of vintage pop culture. A (hunky) caretaker for the house and grounds is also a good idea unless you want to show up some day to find all the roses dead, the paint peeling, and the roof caved in all over the duuhhhty laundry.
In return for your generosity I am willing to provide the following:
Home cooked meals whenever you are in town. I am learning how to cook healthy meals, but I’m also damn good with the less-than healthy fare that you young people so enjoy. I love to experiment with dishes if you are adventurous like that. When in season I will use as many ingredients from our personal gardens as there are available. Have you ever eaten peas or corn on the cob that had only been picked 2 hours previous? It’s such a difference than the ones you find at the bottom of a Peppridge Farm turkey pot pie.
Expert mending of all your favorite trousers, t-shirts, and whatever else is needed. With matching thread, even! I can even custom make your next pea coat, knit you a new beanie when the current one falls apart, and make sure the arms of all your Members Only jackets are firmly stitched in place. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m also pretty durn awesome at making messenger bags and can design one that will hold all that crap you are constantly jamming into your pockets. It will be like the Dad Case, only way more awesome. It will also prevent your scripts from falling out all over the Midwest and ending up on the internet.
I will listen to and laugh at all your drunken phone calls and text messages. Even when they aren’t funny or they don’t make sense because you are drunk. “Hey Jodie, whass green and red and green all over?” “I don’t know, Rob. What?” “To get to the other side! Haaaaahhhhh hahaha! Tom didn’t get it! Geddit? Time flies! HAHAHAAAAHHHH!” “HAHA! Oh, Rob, you’re such a card!” Never will I roll my eyes or give you the bitchface. That’s a promise.
Use of my personal piano. I don’t play anymore and it’s hanging out at my mom’s house holding up her Nativity scene at Christmas. I’ll even be an audience of one when you are feeling all jealous of your buddies who keep going out on tour. If you need authenticity I’ll stuff my bra to overflowing, wear a Cullen crest t-shirt, get embarrassingly drunk and shout inappropriate comments. I’ll check etsy for the latest 100 Monkeys merch.
Considering the demands your generic run-of-the-mill floozy I think you would agree that I would be a bargain basement kept woman. And we all know how you love a bargain, Rob! One third the money, all of the status!
So let me know what you think, if you have any questions, concerns or amendments I’m open to discussion. Especially if you want to amend that thing about me not getting in your pants.
I’m here to serve,
Thanks to all the girls at Rob’s Flat for helping Jodie with today’s letter! XOXO