Rob should be my sugar daddy

Guess how many hours I worked yesterday (14) while standing & wearing really adorable boots that I now want to burn (14). Thank God for Jodie’s letter submission earlier this week! Enjoy! I LOVED all the Rob pics she sent along!

Dear Rob,

I think you should be my sugar daddy.  Sorry to just dump that on you, but I saw no sense in beating about the bush.  I know we don’t fit the conventional image of the sugar daddy/kept woman relationship, but I assure you I have never put much stock in being conventional.  Listen, I’m not some gross old cougar trying to get into your pants, or run away with millions of dollars, before selling a lurid story to Inside Edition.  I’m not some big-chested (sorry) floozy and I have no illusions that you would prefer me over some young starlet with a hot ass.  But aren’t you tired of not having a place of your own to call home?  Wouldn’t you like to have someplace to keep your big yellow duffel bag so you don’t have to carry all your Earthly possessions with you on your back? I can help you with that.  So long as you help me realize my dream of getting paid for not having a job.

Please read my full proposal before making your decision.  I encourage you to address any questions or concerns you may have.

First and foremost we must discuss the house.  I would like to suggest setting up in a coastal town here in Maine.  It’s lovely and tranquil and a perfect spot to get away from all the pressures of your life.  A natural reserve is bred into the people of this area so you can bet everyone will mind their p’s and q’s and stay the hell out of your business.

We could live here!

We also tend to give such vague answers when asked for directions (“You caan’t get they-ah from hee-yah”) that any paparazzi willing to make the trip would be hard-pressed to actually find us.  Besides, Martha Stewart and John Travolta have done a pretty good job of scaring away any potential looky-loos.

I’d suggest buying a historical house with a bit of land.  Land is a fantastic investment no matter what the housing market might be doing. You know, dogs love the space to run freely and I could watch after the fella while you are off overseas.  I hear quarantine laws can be a real pain in the ass.  It will also allow me to grow fresh vegetables, pumpkins, and berries. Maybe we can have some chickens for fresh eggs? How do you like your eggs in the morning? (Not a pick up line.)

Despite the fresh veggies and eggs I figure I’ll need about $500 per month for groceries.  I’d like to eat healthier and unfortunately that costs the big bucks.  If you or your boys will be around for any length of time we I’ll need you to kick in a bit extra to cover the beer.

I will never look like this. Sorry

Unlike your regular gold-digger I’m not one of those women who demands an exotic vacation in a five star hotel with a cabana boy to peel my grapes, but I DO have friends scattered all over the world. I don’t travel all that often and I’m generally pretty frugal when I do.  I sleep on other peoples’ couches or I share rooms with others and I don’t need first class when flying domestic (although I wouldn’t complain if I had it…).  $2000 per year for travel expenses should cover my occasional trips.  If for some reason you require my presence at a premier, awards show, friend’s band’s concert, etc. I will expect you to provide tickets and accommodations.

I know this is quadruple your own yearly clothing allowance, but I would require $500 per year for clothing expenses.  I’m a girl, it’s different.  You’re getting off easy.  Just trust me on that.   Any formal wear or red carpet type dresses (and accessories) I may be required to wear will need to be provided by you.  I don’t expect this to be a problem since you can at any time find a date who would look much better in a dress, but if you say the word, I’m at your disposal.

Maine winters can be pretty treacherous, so I would never insist upon an impractical sport car, but I think a new car every seven years is reasonable.  I would appreciate something attractive that isn’t a gas guzzler that won’t catch on fire. I’m no mechanic, but I’m pretty sure that fire=bad.  I’ll hint around that I’d like a convertible, but I’m not married to the idea.  Just so long as there is a trunk big enough for a couple guitars and a few bags of mulch we’ll be good.

$600 per month for general boring bills that grown-ups like us are forced to endure.  Unless the price of heating oil goes up and then we may need to renegotiate.  Sometimes it sucks being a grown-up, huh?  Who knew?

We’ll need someone to.. uhh.. take care of the rose bushes…

Now, it’s well established that you are a slob, and let’s be honest, I’m hardly a neatnik myself, so for our own safety I would need a house keeper.  Preferably one with a sassy attitude a la Benson or Florence.  I know you are too young to know those references, but I’ll school you in all kinds of vintage pop culture.   A (hunky) caretaker for the house and grounds is also a good idea unless you want to show up some day to find all the roses dead, the paint peeling, and the roof caved in all over the duuhhhty laundry.

In return for your generosity I am willing to provide the following:

Home cooked meals whenever you are in town. I am learning how to cook healthy meals, but I’m also damn good with the less-than healthy fare that you young people so enjoy.  I love to experiment with dishes if you are adventurous like that.  When in season I will use as many ingredients from our personal gardens as there are available. Have you ever eaten peas or corn on the cob that had only been picked 2 hours previous? It’s such a difference than the ones you find at the bottom of a Peppridge Farm turkey pot pie.

Just leave it in the basket. I’ll fix it.

Expert mending of all your favorite trousers, t-shirts, and whatever else is needed. With matching thread, even!  I can even custom make your next pea coat, knit you a new beanie when the current one falls apart, and make sure the arms of all your Members Only jackets are firmly stitched in place.  Not to toot my own horn, but I’m also pretty durn awesome at making messenger bags and can design one that will hold all that crap you are constantly jamming into your pockets.  It will be like the Dad Case, only way more awesome.  It will also prevent your scripts from falling out all over the Midwest and ending up on the internet.

 

I will listen to and laugh at all your drunken phone calls and text messages. Even when they aren’t funny or they don’t make sense because you are drunk.  “Hey Jodie, whass green and red and green all over?”  “I don’t know, Rob.  What?” “To get to the other side!  Haaaaahhhhh hahaha!  Tom didn’t get it! Geddit? Time flies! HAHAHAAAAHHHH!” “HAHA! Oh, Rob, you’re such a card!”  Never will I roll my eyes or give you the bitchface.  That’s a promise.

Use of my personal piano. I don’t play anymore and it’s hanging out at my mom’s house holding up her Nativity scene at Christmas.  I’ll even be an audience of one when you are feeling all jealous of your buddies who keep going out on tour. If you need authenticity I’ll stuff my bra to overflowing, wear a Cullen crest t-shirt, get embarrassingly drunk and shout inappropriate comments. I’ll check etsy for the latest 100 Monkeys merch.

Considering the demands your generic run-of-the-mill floozy I think you would agree that I would be a bargain basement kept woman.  And we all know how you love a bargain, Rob!  One third the money, all of the status!

 

 

So let me know what you think, if you have any questions, concerns or amendments I’m open to discussion.  Especially if you want to amend that thing about me not getting in your pants.

I’m here to serve,

Jodie

Thanks to all the girls at Rob’s Flat for helping Jodie with today’s letter! XOXO

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

85 Responses to “Rob should be my sugar daddy”

  1. Sue says:

    LMAO…… that was fantastic….. Sign me up too ! Loved that…. so much like me too. I could have written that. Crossing my fingers for you that he’ll take you up on the offer !

    • JodieO says:

      Fingers crossed, legs open, as mandaliz would say!

    • Marc says:

      PATHETIC displays of wishful thinking are ever present at all these supposedly witty written pieces. Poor delusional ladies from letterstorob. You should know that this is the place Rob goes to when he needs to show his friends & family how overboard fans can get when they deem themselves to be “funny”.

      BTW: Happy 21st B-DAY Kristen Stewart.

      • wow, is it still kristens birthday in Amsterdam? tell rob hi!

      • JodieO says:

        If Rob spends his days saying “Hey Guys, you have to check out this entirely unfunny blog” then I’m not the only one who is pathetic.

      • LadyN says:

        Rob reads this?!?!

        *fixes hair and wipes Ritz cracker crumbs off silk pjs and face*

        Oh my…. 😀 Hi, Rob! heh. *twirls hair*

        But seriously Marc, please…. if he doesn’t laugh his ass off at the cleverness/brilliance that is this BLOG…. I’m afraid he’s sure missing the point. :-/ But since you apparently know him so well and his web surfing schedules and bookmarks, please tell him its really all in fun and that we’re really just a couple of gals celebrating what we love about him. We appreciate him and think he’s great. We wouldn’t take time to come here if we didn’t.

        But overall…. oh wait, …ummm…who are you again?

        ps. congrats Kristen! Have a cocktail on mel. 😉

      • maggie says:

        Really…Really??? Hi Rob! Hi Tom! Hi Dick and Clare! So happy that you read this blog. Isn’t it just the greatest? I’m SO jazzed to hear that you check in. More fun for all of us. I hope it cracks you up as much as it cracks all of us up.

        Marc: Your comments tell me two things 1 – you have no comprehension of what goes on here and 2 – you have zero understanding of women.

        btw – what ARE you doing here anyway???

      • roslynselene says:

        “BTW: Happy 21st B-DAY Kristen Stewart.”
        What a thoughtful shout out to your friend. 😀 Everyone knows she reads this blog and I bet she finds this place HIGH-larious. 😉

      • robsfuturemate says:

        What always cracks me up about these ‘visitors’ is when they have thumbs up. Like we don’t know you gave them to yourself!
        Love,
        from the delusional ones

        Hi Rob, baby!

        • roslynselene says:

          Or maybe they tell their friends to come look at how they bitched at LTR and to back them up. Ugh, I don’t know what’s more pathetic. (I probs do but I’m just sayin’.)

      • RobsFan-tasy says:

        2 words: JEALOUS MUCH?

  2. JennB33 says:

    Dear Jodie –
    This is brilliant and I would love to hop 2 states over (from VT) and help you with the healthy meals for Rob. I’m a hell of a cook and baker, and work for a magazine that promotes healthy eating. Vermont also is a pretty laid back state for celebs so perhaps he could have a summer house in Maine and a winter house in VT? Didn’t he say he was good at snowboarding on his CV?
    Will we have a pool?
    We do need to have a no-bitchface-allowed policy, unfortunately, regardless if they’re friends with benefits or a full on bumping-uglies couple.
    I look forward to moving into the lighthouse with you! Will we be right on the never-swimable North Atlantic?
    JennB

  3. natteringyeahrobber says:

    Dear Rob,

    I am assuming you read the above letter and you probably are considering her offer. Perhaps you are scratching that hot gorgeous head of yours and trying to figure out the math and logistics. Well, stop that. It’s my job to scratch your head. Also, her proposal is a no-brainer. Hell, now I want to live with JodieO on a farm in Maine, should you be stupid enough to not jump at the chance. JodieO – I’ll take the guest house (assuming the guest house has 3 bedrooms, as I have kids and a DH). I’ll even clean your house and offer sarcasm (I’m reallly good at it). However, I would like 1 night a month with Rob in return. I’ll also pick Rob up from the airport for you, if you don’t mind me taking the really long way home (I’m horrible with directions).

    Re Math: That same property she’s describing in Maine would cost like 200M in California (plus taxes), and a personal live-in chef, maid, dog-walker, and seamstress would cost you at least $200K per year.

    Re Logistics: I’m sure someone else here can help with that. I’m not good with logical thinking.

    Look forward to being you cottage-house floozy housekeeper on the 28th of every month,
    NYR

    p.s. 100+ points for mentioning Benson and Florence, JodieO. <3

    • JodieO says:

      High five for the 80’s!

      • natteringyeahrobber says:

        Didn’t Benson run for Governor? I cannot remember if he was Governor or not, but I seem to remember him going all out at the end of the series. Doesn’t Maine need a new Gov? My friend in Maine is always complaining about him, anyhow. Benson for Maine Governor!!

  4. nicole says:

    so funny!!
    p.s. hey jennB33 i’m from VT too 🙂

  5. robsfuturemate says:

    Great letter Jodie!!

    Wow Rob, such a deal! Srsly, think about that offer. But when you’re in LA/OC area trapped by paps call me to come rescue you!! Or at least hang out and talk until they leave you alone. That still makes me really sad to picture out in the middle of the street 🙁 We could find something to do for a few hours I’m sure!

    Love,
    rfm

    • roslynselene says:

      Next time Rob’s surrounded by the paps, just jump in front of the cameras out of nowhere and take their attention away from him. You could
      a) Act like a camera whore and pose. “You want me to smize? I can smize! You want sassy? I’ll give you sassy! Raaaawr.”
      b) Do the Dougie or Stanky Leg or the Charleston.
      c) If all else fails, shave your hair and hit cars with umbrellas.

  6. melronin says:

    Dear Rob

    It would be a lil strange for you to be my sugar daddy
    But I would love to be your sugar mama!
    Am offering you all the things mentioned above and some other…ehhh…services which we can discuss in privat!

    Btw…there is nothing more beautiful out there…living or nonliving…than you in blue at the WFE press conference! You have me on my knees baby!

    love
    Mel

    Dear Jodie
    Great great letter! Question: do you by any chance have phone or adr of the guy for the rosebushes? Would appreciate it! Really need him for my bushes 🙂

    xoxo

  7. guitargirl says:

    JODIEONSON!!! Hell Jodes, how could Rob resist? I’d be more than happy to take you up on that offer if he doesn’t. I’d even come and (crappily) ‘help’ with the cleaning. (I have to say though, its not my strong point.) On grumpy days, I can play guitar with Rob and we can give you your own concert to cheer you up, and model the knitted things that dont turn out so well, (or is that just my knitting?) but still tell you how wonderful they are. All I’d like in return would be to ‘look after Rob’ on the days where Aunt Flow is paying you a visit. LOL! Oh, and I’m good at drinking brandy, so I can be the embarrassing flatmate, whilst you, in contrast, can be the awesome, non clumsy one! Win! 🙂

    • JodieO says:

      I don’t think I could take the competition if you were there, too! Who can resist a hot chick with a guitar?

      • guitargirl says:

        If the definition of ‘hot chick’ is a currently pasty and knackered Brit girl who is desperately in need of a holiday, then yes. However, I personally have serious doubts that I am any sort of ‘competition’ whatsoever, but I would happily settle for a pity shag off Rob anyday. LOL!

      • MariaCecilia says:

        I’ll teach you to play the guitar if you will knit me a beanie that I can stitch “Worn by Rob” on, you know, just something to snuggle up to for those lonely winter evenings…

  8. Susiecueablelovesrob says:

    Dear Jodie,

    You are my new hero – great letter – if for some reason you’d need extra help (like when the Britpack are visiting and throwing dirty laundry, siggbuds and beercans around) I’d be more than happy to come help out. I can cook, bake and clean!!! Hoping all your dreams come true!!!

    Love,
    me

    • JodieO says:

      Awwh, thanks!

    • The Old One says:

      This was a real tweet a day or so ago from borderline Britpacker Lee MacDougall:

      @Lee MacDougall
      A mix-up means we are once again bedless this eve in Portland. Can anyone help out 3 british gentlemen with a cheap room/bed 4 tonight?

      Girls, it could happen!

  9. robzanne says:

    Dear Rob
    I’ve experienced Jodie’s messenger bags, sewing skills and response to drunk texts, first hand. she really is as awesome as she makes out. Hell if you’re lucky like me, she may even text you pictures of her boobs from across the pond
    You would be a fool to turn this down. A FOOL I TELL ‘YA!
    love Robz
    3333

  10. ladyofthemeadow says:

    Dear Jodie, great letter!! You’ve inspired me to write one to you now. I wanted to tell you how much your letter resonated with me. I think we have a lot in common. Let me explain.

    I am also an economical girlfriend. I loved reading about your modest budget. I have champagne taste but I’m quite happy with ginger ale. I have 1-carat taste but I’m actually okay with zirconia, and if I did have a real 1 carat, I’d truly appreciate it. And believe you me, my job requires that I know how to keep a secret, and I do a damn fine job of it. Ever seen those jobs where they black out document before giving it out the the press? I’m the one with the black marker.

    I love eating healthy food. I wear Sak’s and second hand clothes. Sometimes together. I cook, I sew, and used to play the piano. I don’t have big boobs either. And I have a lot of common sense.

    All this means that we share so much in the way of interests and personal values, we’d make great BFFs. So after you and Rob hook up and shack up, can you invite me over to your place for dinner with any of Rob’s friends (Tom, Kellan?) You do the mac and cheese, I’ll bring squares. I love healthy food too, so a spicy stir-fry with veggies from your garden would be just fab. We’d all hit it off and double date from there.

    I will draw the line if Rob and Tom want to go out dumpster diving though. You and I can stay in and drink a fine red wine til they get back. I hope they check out Martha Stewart’s dumpster though, I’m sure she throws out some really good stuff with tons of life still left in it.

    Let me know what time to come for dinner and I’ll be there.

    Love,
    ladyofthemeadow

    • guitargirl says:

      Mmmmm, champagne. I have champagne tastes too, but I’m happy with champagne. LOL!

    • JodieO says:

      Replace the red wine with whiskey and you’re on!

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      So you are the one doing all the document redactions? CURSES on you. I’m the one trying to read them and figure out what should be in the place of those giant black lines. I’m a professional fill-in-the-blanker (or black, I guess). Though without your type, I wouldn’t have a job, so thanks for the roof over my head.

      For fun, I’ll let you have my job for a day though:

      Dear XXXXXX,

      Right now I am thinking about taking you to XXXXXX and XXXXXing you. After a good 6 hours of engaging in XXXXX and then XXXXXX in the poolhouse, we can XXXXXX in the garden and get to some much needed XXXXXX. Then retire to the historical renovated Maine lighthouse, XXXX some XXXXX and then XXXXXXX. If you are up for XXXXXXX, that is.

      Love,
      Rob P. (aka Mr. XXXXXgasm)

      • ladyofthemeadow says:

        Loved your version of redacting, although maybe I could teach you a few tricks of the trade.

        I guess we both have a job to do — you ask, I say xxx or xx. Either way, we both get a paycheque! A symbiotic relationship of some sort?!

        • natteringyeahrobber says:

          Deal. As long as Rob is the document. Oh Rob, I want to redact and unredact you in the worst way!

  11. Kaybvee says:

    Better yet, can we just be sister wives in said Maine property? I would like 2 nights a month and not have to cook whatsoever, and I promise not to produce too many kids…unless Rob makes me of course!

    I could be the animal caretaker-can Tai/Rosie come too?

    Love the letter!

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      Now that Big Love has ended, we can start a reality show – Big Love: Maine Style. JodieO and Rob in the main house, and we can all live in little (but well-appointed) cottages near the main house. JodieO can assign chores to each of us, in exchange for 1 night per month with Rob. Farming, catching lobster, piano tuning, guitar pick whittling, cleaning up after Tai, walking bear, creating healthy meals that don’t taste “healthy”, Rob grooming, etc.. Sort of like one big happy commune. TomStu and AGarf can live there too (AGarf’s cottage should be next to mine). And Lee MacDougall can crash in any one of the cottages. The show profits can help us sustain the lifestyle to which we will easily become accustomed. We can plan a few catfights and I’ll happy to fake a Rob-Andrew-Me love triangle. Summit – are you reading today – make yourself useful and bankroll this!!!

      • kaybvee says:

        Big Love-Maine Style…I am LOVING this! I could see Lee as some kind of traveling minstrel serenading us throughout the compound.

        Fresh Maine lobster on a regular basis, butter, Rob (and not necessarily in that order) Mmmmm

        But can we all have a catfight with Kristen? She could show up to the compound to surprise Rob, oblivious to all the sister wife goodness that he is bleesed with-that would really be a ratings grabber…

        And can I be the Chloe Sevigny character with the shopping addiction that Rob secretly bankrolls?

        Awesome.

        • natteringyeahrobber says:

          uh-oh. You said the name of SWSNBN.

          If SWSNBN wants to show up, she’d better not show up on MY night. And she better not get any ideas about cooking a giant pot of her tortilla soup with the icky bell peppers in it. A SWSNBN appearance (only one, please) would be good for ratings (and I’m sure Summit will force us to do it anyhow). Good ratings would mean more money (for the show). And more money means we can hire more hot gardeners with big hoses, convert the main house basement into a wine cellar/bar/piano lounge, and build another cottage for Christoph Waltz. All good things.

          • maggie says:

            nat: A cottage for Christoph. Me likey. Can we have one for Colin Firth too? I mean it sounds like we will each be having a lot of Robless nights as he makes the rounds – plus, I suppose he’ll need a few weeks away now and then to make movies and visit Dick and Clare – so we’ll need SOMETHING fun to do other than cleaning the elephant house while we wait for our assigned night with Rob.

            @robsfan=tasy: blueberry pie is much yummier than loquat pie. Just sayin’.

          • natteringyeahrobber says:

            Colin’s fine. Only men who have been mentioned on LTR are allowed on premises (gotta draw the line somewhere), so Colin’s good. Colin would also help up the ratings for women in the 30-90 year old age demographic.

          • robsfuturemate says:

            Wow! SWSNBN and loquat pie AND no thumbs down?! Must be LTR history 🙂

      • The Old One says:

        Yeah, I’m in!

      • maggie says:

        Count me in. I was in Maine for the first time last fall. I envy you JodieO. It’s a little slice of heaven on earth up there. We’ll need to find some obscure little inlet to build the BIG LOVE LTR-STYLE compound. With the gazillion inlets to choose from, the paps will go beserk. Hah! Revenge! On my off-Rob days, I’ll be in charge of the blueberries that we’ll grow. You guys have the best blueberries. Lee McDougal, Bobby Long and Sam Bradley can all be employed to provide funds from their concerts (what are friends for), but on Friday nights, all the ladies will gather round the fireplace and Rob will serenade us. Now THAT’s what I call a little slice of heaven on earth!

        • RobsFan-tasy says:

          okay, Count me in, You grow and pick the blueberries and I’ll be in charge of making our Rob blueberrie pies and muffins *gigglesnort* and I get to feed them to him!!! LMAO Imma badgirl!

        • natteringyeahrobber says:

          It is sounding better and better. Me on AGarf’s lap, a roaring fire, surrounded by witty sister-wives, Rob playing the guitar, and blueberry martinis poured by Christoph Waltz. Does NOT get better than that.

  12. robsbeanie says:

    One of the best letters yet Jodie! Is it normal that I want to move to Maine with you now? Rob would just be the icing on the cake!

    Dear Rob,

    If you don’t take her up on this offer, I will! Just have to figure out how to make more $.

    • JodieO says:

      If Rob declines my offer and you can afford me, then it’s a deal!

      PS. Maine was recently voted the most peaceful place to live.

  13. purplescool says:

    Brilliant letter! And I think you could add that you’d make sure his hair is always washed and combed too.

  14. roslynselene says:

    Nice letter! Had me laughing at Drunk Ron telling jokes. And I LOVE that hobo dumpster picture with his crap stuffed into his coat. I think it’s my favorite pic. 🙂

    Dear Rob,
    I’m useless so I don’t know how to sell myself. I can only make cereal, sandwiches and anything that doesn’t need to be cooked on a stove/oven. If you come home and plop on the sofa and say, “Git in the kitchen and make me a sammich!”, I’ll cut your balls off and feed it to you instead. You can be sure I won’t take care of children that aren’t mine so you’ll have to hire a British nanny. But I CAN clean. I can also take your dog on a walk. But if Bear bites me, I’ll have to call in Cesar Millan. Uhhh…I can…hmmmm…this is harder than I thought. I’ll get back to you once I think of something else.:)

    • roslynselene says:

      Oh right! I know how to use the microwave. My dad has always said I’d be a terrible house wife. 😀 If I lived in the 50’s, I’d DIE. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MqXnkPyrE_4/Sgxn5iWXmAI/AAAAAAAAAAM/BxEu9DR5xNA/s1600-R/Fifties-Housewife.jpg

      • natteringyeahrobber says:

        Oh, there’s hope for you yet. I didn’t learn how to cook until I was about 30 (prior to that, my “cooking” was mostly spaghetti or burritos). Just need to invest in a good knife (spend the extra money, esp. for veggie cutting knives), a few good cookbooks, and some patient and willing guests (serve lots of wine and talk about food a lot while they are waiting). My mom was pretty housewifey and did ALL the cooking and cleaning so as a result, I never learned how until much later in life. I’m still not as good a cook as my mom (or dad for that matter), but it’s so much fun. And a good excuse to open a bottle of wine. 🙂

        BUT – you do have other skills, like a funny writing style and a sense of humor. Anyone can learn how to cook, but not everyone can have a sharp wit. 🙂

        • roslynselene says:

          My mom has always tried to teach me but I end up doing everything wrong. I’ve tried the Food Network but fucking Rachael Ray makes me feel like it’s a race to see who can talk and cook the fastest before the ticking time bomb explodes in the kitchen. Paula Deen uses butter on EVRATHANG! And Semi Simple Homemade Aunt Sandra Lee drowns her food in booze. I can’t keep up with these bitches.

          Awww, thanks for the compliment. I love your wit and humor too! All of the LTR ladies are hilar. 🙂

          • natteringyeahrobber says:

            Rachel Ray, now don’t get me started. Her and her damned garbage bowls and balancing acts. Paula – cute, and I used to like her show, but she’s a caricature of herself now. In terms of Food Network, I pretty much stick with Barefoot Contessa (annoying to watch, but very solid recipes) and Tyler Florence (ditto). On the healthier side (Food Network) Ellie Krieger isn’t bad but you do need to add more oil and spices than she calls for. Always (1 tbs of butter for french onion soup, woman are you HIGH?). For technique, check out America’s Test Kitchen (any of the books) or Martha Stewart’s Cooking School (really good).

          • roslynselene says:

            Isn’t Bare Foot Contessa the one with all her gay friends? I liked Paula Deen. I thought she was a Southern Belle with her cute and funny accent but turns out she’s a dirty whore. http://foodnetworkhumor.com/2011/02/paula-deen-really-love-nuts/
            LMAO

            I’ll say this though. When I watch Foodnet work, it’s like watching porn. It looks good on TV, too bad you can’t have any in real life unless

          • roslynselene says:

            I pay someone! Ha!

          • roslynselene says:

            Okay, that was joke, guys. I don’t pay male prostitutes for sex. They pay me. 😉

          • natteringyeahrobber says:

            Yes, BC is the one with countless gay pals. I love, love, love FNH.com. OMG, RS, there is a FF out there with Ina (Barefoot Contessa) having sex with Miguel. Worth checking out. http://blckdg7171.livejournal.com/110706.html

          • roslynselene says:

            LMFAO! Oh god that was hilar! And disturbing. I only know who Jeffrey is (her husband) and he seems pretty gay to me. Is TR and Miguel her gay friends? Lol

  15. LadyN says:

    Guh! someone needs to gimme dat man with his hose. Like, GIMME IT.

    would make a great Rob manip. LAWL.

    • LadyN says:

      oh and ps. LOOVE LOVE LOVEEEEE how those two look together. <3

      *stares at hose-man again cuz def needs a pecker-upper* *pants*

  16. MariaCecilia says:

    Great letter: if Rob has any taste he will be sure to reply as soon as he sees this! (And if you get a reply that sounds suspiciously like someone else claiming to be Rob, do not for a minute listen to your inner voice: it’s NOT me!!)

    A word of caution though: if he isn’t well and properly spoiled by now you are putting him in grave danger of becoming pampered. And please think about what healthy food might do to his physique! Could we think straight if we saw Rob start sporting a six-pack? (And I don’t mean Heineken, now..)

  17. RobsFan-tasy says:

    Just popping in to say hello and I’m still around. For some reason my LTR mail isn’t reaching me for a day or two, and by then there’s a whole new topic going on. Imma day late and a dollar short (as they say) with LTR. 🙁

  18. roslynselene says:

    I want. Can I have? Please?!
    http://i891.photobucket.com/albums/ac118/ROBsessedBlog2/Magazines/UK/Red/RobRed2.jpg
    Even if the corner of his mouth looks a little weird…
    And when was this taken? Seems familiar…but maybe not.

    • Susiecueablelovesrob says:

      I think that pic was taken during New Moon promotion, he was so skinny during that ordeal!

  19. FastForward says:

    Love you, Jodie. End.

  20. robsfuturemate says:

    Dear Rob,
    Thank you so very much for visiting me in my (nap)dreams! It was wonderful, we should do “it” again sometime. Now stop reading the rest is for the girls!
    Love,
    me

    Uh, this was my first “good” dream ifyouknowwhatimean. *wink, wink* And wow!! So this is what everyone was talking about! And yes, I was taking a nap but I was def asleep!

  21. JellyBeanRainbow says:

    Dear Rob,
    Jodie made you an offer you can’t refuse, right? I wouldn’t, if I were you.
    But if you’re thinking of having the other type of lifestyle while not being Jodie’s sugar daddy, I can be your average floozy for those periods of time. I can stuff my chest and lips with whatever they’re stuffing them with lately, I can starve myself to stick thin, I can sacrifice my comfort and squeeze into designer evening wear and attend some red carpet events. I can fly around the world in private planes and stay in presidential suites in five star hotels. I’ll even dine (or pretend to eat) with you in japanese restaurants if I have to.
    Yes, I can do that on occasion or two, so you and Jodie can enjoy your domestic bliss in Maine.
    Love you both, Me

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