Water for Elephants: We came, we saw, we wept, we learned a lot, we joined the circus
*spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen WFE yet… or read the book…*
Even though my MOM got to see Water for Elephants before me (Thursday at midnight) and is clearly a bigger fan than I am, I’m the one with the blog so I get to talk about seeing it to
thousands hundreds ten people and tell them all the things I learned from or thought about whilst watching the latest in your canon of film making… So without further adieu…
Things I learned from/thought/said out loud while watching Water for Elephants:
- Unless you read the book you will never get why its called “Water for Elephants.” you’ll just be left wondering how the heck robert pattinson ended up as an almost veterinarian if he can’t even bring the dang elephant some water. I mean she was forced to steal some lemonade while her dumb ass handlers gave each other googly longing eyes.
- Dudes and their ladies who are not Robsessed will give you the dirty side eye when you are your friends giggle/sigh/whisper/point at the screen at any of the “Rob” scenes. Sometimes you just can’t help yourself so you grab your friend and start making inappropriate noises while humping an arm rest. What’s the problem with that dudes and your lady friends? Geez.
- The Grandma from Everyone Loves Raymond will just happen to see Water for Elephants during your screening and you will wonder if she’s secretly apart of Twilight Grandmas or maybe she’s that more mature commenter who hints at being a grandma… We see you Doris!
- Smuggling a Diet Coke in your purse from outside the theater because you refuse to pay 10 bucks for a soda is never a good idea. The lid will inevitably come off when you’re trying to look nonchalant in front of the 17 year old ticket taker and the delicious Diet Coke will slosh around and drench your make up bag, cell phone charger and your Team Edward button.
- Reese Witherspoon will make you seriously consider Googling “Trick Horse Riding Lessons” when you get home. Or in the bathroom on your phone after the movie is over.
- Christophe Waltz will simultaneously scare the piss out of you while making you reconsider the top of your dating age limit.
- This movie should really be called Lemonade and whiskey for Elephants.
- Seeing Rob climb out of that trunk in a wig, nipple tassle, make up and ladies clothes makes you wonder if that’s just another Saturday night for him. (Spoiler: it is!)
- If you tell your boyfriend/husband/lover/gay friend/best guy friend/Craigslist hook up that you want to see the new movie with that dude who played the crazy Nazi colonel in Inglourious Basterds he will probably be confused and think it’s a new kick ass Tarantino film and go with. It will not be a kick ass Tarantino flick but whatever gets them in the seats right? Cause it must have worked for how many dudes of all ages we saw at our screening.
- Reading about August being a cruel animal hater/abuser/crazy person is much easier than seeing it actually (fake) happen on film.
- Did Rob really have Edward colored hair when he and Reese get it oooonnnn in the hotel room? Can some Robsteners trace this back to Kristen being sick as some point? I want to see a gif and flow chart illustrating this by the end of the day. GO!
- These people drink A LOT of champagne… these are my kind of people.
Water for Elephants really is a magical, sweet, sad, great movie. Rob impresses me more and more each day and I really can’t wait to see what films he does next. I can’t wait to see him really bat one out of the park.
Lemonade and Whiskey for Elephants,
So who went and saw it? Ok, I guess the better question for some of you would be HOW many times did you see it? Were there any embarassing groans/moans made in your audience? Did anyone clap when Rosie did her tricks (someone did in ours), who wants to start Letters to Christoph?