What Dealbreakers do we have with Rob Pattinson

Received this letter from MarbleNutSlut a few days ago

Dear Rob,

Let me give you a peek into my fevered brain: it’s 9am on a Tuesday. I’ve got to take my 6 year old to the dentist, which I am quite pleased with myself that I have remembered to do all on my own. I am doing the dishes, in a nice, matronly way, when I decide to
entertain my brain by deciding:

What is the dealbreaker scenario wherein I would *not* sleep with Robert Pattinson?

For instance:
 An affinity for Adult Baby Diapers? errr…every time, or special occasion? because I can try to make it work. I am open minded! Srsly you are so. pretty. Robert  Pattinson. so. pretty.

Does Robert Pattinson like to dress as Little Bo Peep? (I want this to be the Google Search that finally unites us, please oh please) Again, is this an every day thing? I mean…can I close my eyes at least some of the time? Is it a *nice* Little Bo Peep dress?

I think I’ve come up with a few scenarios, though. Take a mind-walk with me:

1. Us, at a bar, laughing, having a wonderful time.
Him: “So, I am totally DTF, but just so you know, I can’t get an erection without kiddie porn playing in the room. So, give me an hour and I will meet you in my mother’s bed. Here’s your harness.”

2. Us, at a bar, laughing, having a wonderful time.
Him: “Anyhoo, I was so relieved when the guys at the Scientology meeting told me the Holocaust never happened. Also I hate blacks and gays.”

I consulted with NatteringYeahRobber, and she added to the list:

  • Too much stench. Like the 3-days of no showering + the alcohol-sweats.
  • Anything involving me pretending to be his potty or him pretending to be my potty. I don’t do potty stuff, that’s just off limits for me. Diapering him….maybe, as long as diaper is clean and dry. I will NOT be changing dirty adult diapers. I’ve changed enough dirty diapers in my lifetime, never again.

Play the game with me,

I agree- your deal-breakers are DEFINITELY ones for me, but what about the ones we visited in the past (August of 2009, to be exact!) Let’s Check in. How do we feel about:

Hairy, fat chests & gold chains:

Still a deal-breaker!

If Rob was into Nascar

Stillll a deal breaker!

What if Rob was in a Frat?

Dealbreaker for me!

Back in 2009, Pinkfluffgirl said “his ass could be in jorts, wearing crocs, with guido rings, a short sleeved white dress shirt and I’d STILL do him”

Ummm, sorry, Pinkfluffgirl, I’m gonna have to call THIS a dealbreaker (haha looking at these photoshops Moon did 2 years ago! amazing!)

Here are a few new deal-breakers I’ve thought of:

  • If Rob grew a mustache. I’m not saying I hate that hipster look. I kinda love it on the right guy. I’d just HATE it on Rob!
  • No Rob No

    If Rob was really into cats: I love cats. I love when men love cats. Just not when they have photoshoots with their cats. And look like this dude.

  • Rob in Jorts, with a mullet, mustache, big goofy smile, overweight, hairy chest, big gold chain, former frat-boy, Nascar-loving cat dude.

Do I really have to spell it out?!!!
What are your deal-breakers with Rob!?


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49 Responses to “What Dealbreakers do we have with Rob Pattinson”

  1. It’s this sort of thing that makes me think I should not be allowed on the internet. And then you trump me. Oh god that mullet.

    I think Rob *not* being a frat guy is why I have The Love for him. His hotness has a lot to do with his adorkableness.

    • The Old One says:


    • MariaCecilia says:

      YES! I could totally live with Rob growing a paunch (we could do it together, going to the pub!) but I would have a hard time if he morphed into someone else personality-wise. I love his adorkable, literary, self-disparaging, silly self just the way he is… If a guy has no sense of humour, THAT’s a deal breaker, right there.

  2. natteringyeahrobber says:

    In general, Little Bo Peep outfits are creepy. On nearly anyone. Young girls, old men, small dogs, even suburban women on Halloween eve. Nearly anyone. But Rob, somehow he makes it all work for me. I’m sure he’s confident enough in his manhood to be able to walk into any bar, toss his trusty herding-staff into the umbrella bin (from across the room mind you), kick off his cute heels, remove his fetching blue bonnet, and order a Maker’s Mark on the rocks. A double, actually. He’d talk about his long day, how sheep just don’t listen to good sense these days, how climbing up steep hills in improperly fitting maryjane heels is a total bitch. He’d discuss new sheepherding technology and how it will always be inferior to dogs. Except Bear, who runs away with the sheep. That Bear. And he’ll order more drinks and hike up his skirt and invite me over to pick out tomorrow’s outfit. The right outfit makes all the differene in sheepherding, as it turns out. Sheep don’t like plaid and they hate practical shoes. I’ll whisper a small “baaaahhh” in his ear and he’ll respond with a “here sheepy sheepy” and life is beautiful.

    See? It totally works.

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      p.s. Just read what I wrote and I don’t think I should be allowed on the internet either, MNS.

      • Katycougar says:

        You are not alone. I am joining you and MarbleNutSlut on this. It has become as bad as my obsession for Rob himself, and i only see it getting worse.

        Yes I agree with the ladies about the Bo-Peep/Rob hotness. Why dear God why? Oh it’s Rob enough said.

        • natteringyeahrobber says:

          You know it is bad when even my therapist (that would be you, KC) can’t control herself. Well, I can’t blame you.
          Wanted: RPLBP but must look exactly like Rob, talk exactly like Rob, and be Rob.

      • MariaCecilia says:

        I infer both of you were actually banned from an early version of the Internet a long time ago, but here you still are…re-booted and as Normal as the rest of us! <3

    • Ms. J says:

      OK – you just made that Little Bo Peep thing sound quite hot. I could totally help relieve some of that ol’ sheephearding stress, Rob darling.
      Baaaah Baaaah, indeed 🙂

      PS – In case you’re worried, don’t be – on this site, you are totally normal.

    • I am not sure how you made that hot, but you did.

      I *so* want this to start a rumor, I think we talked about this once. I want a Bo Peep fetish rumor to start. I want that MTV guy to ask about it, and I want Rob to be all coy, like Robsten. OH! I want him to ask about Scientology and Rob is all, “No! No way! That shit’s crazy.” and then the Bo Peep. To contrast the vague answer. “Yes, well, no, you know? Bo Peep is like…I mean, everybody has a thing, do you know what I mean? There’s sheep…I mean, obviously I like the color blue, don’t you? And the story is classic. A fetish? What *is* a fetish? I don’t even know.”

      • natteringyeahrobber says:

        Yes, sort of like the Richard Gere gerbil thing, which never really was answered. Actually it was, but no one believes Gere so it remains in the “forever unanswered” category. Sort of still out there as a rumor, 20 years later.

        Rumors with a grain of truth always work. And I think all of us can envision Rob in a LBP outfit (LBP could be a new abbreviation for Craigslist Casual Encounters, or RPLBP for when you want a man to pretend he is Rob Pattinson as Little Bo Peep).

        p.s. just googled Little Bo Peep Rob Pattinson and LTR came up. First hit. SUCCESS, MNS!

    • The Old One says:

      I’m in awe of what you just did there. Hiking up the skirt–I don’t think he’s wearing anything underneath–gulp!

      Little Boy Peep.

      • natteringyeahrobber says:

        See, I think he is wearing something underneath. Maybe his lucky Ellen underwear. Or not.

        Sort of picturing a SNL skit for this now. Skit describes how Rob went from sheepherder to Peepherder. One day he noticed that the sheep paid attention when he wore light blue. And that they paid more attention when the light blue had some lacy bits on the edges. And then even more attention when he wore heels. And one day it just so happened that the outfit that commanded response from sheep was Little Bo Peep. Mother Goose was no dummy. So even though the outfit was ridiculous, it was ridiculously effective and going back to jeans and t-shirts was impossible. Plus, he discovered that he liked the feeling of a little ruffle around the thigh and realized that the cool damp winds of the valley felt good on his nylon clad legs. Made him feel even more like a man.

        ughhhh. Rob. Please do not be reading today!

        • The Old One says:

          Oh, but I think he would like it. Very much: “The cool damp winds of the valley felt good on his nylon clad legs . . . “

          • natteringyeahrobber says:

            Ugh, cannot win. Not allowed to be bored by Rob not being anywhere to be found (good for him, bad for us); not allowed to indulge in ridiculous fantasies about him in blue taffeta and ruffles. What is a girl to do?

    • MariaCecilia says:

      I totally think this pub-scene would work too, I just can’t see Rob making all this sensible conversation about professional herding without giggling ONCE or making inappropriate jokes? It just seems…so out of character? Couldn’t you add a few giggles, pulling weird faces and making silly, unrelated or semi-offensive jokes to the picture, please? Then I will feel at home in Robland! *contented sigh*

  3. Amber says:

    Manpris. Forever a deal breaker.

  4. Kaybvee says:

    Uh oh Amber, I think he wears white manpris in Breaking Dawn.

  5. pdd912 says:

    One word: POOP. That’s a definite no. And if he watches kiddie porn, not only would I not sleep with him, but I would also report him to the police. If he likes infantilism, I would probably have a hard time getting into it. I’d probably be lost in a fit of giggles. I’m sorry. I know some guys really have this fetish. And more power to ’em. But it’s not a fetish I can share.

    Cross-dressing? I can dig it. I think it’s kind of sexy, to tell the truth. I think it would be a lot of fun, making him my girl. Fem-dom, male-dom, bondage, foot/shoe worship, leather, lingerie, pony-boy, pony-girl, whatever. I can work with it.

    So, as far as sexual practices go, I’m open-minded. But if Rob were to morph into someone else, become a racist oaf, then he wouldn’t be Rob and of course I’d lose interest. If he was rude or insulting to me, forget it. Or if he became incredibly physically unattractive, then I’d still watch his movies and think he’s a cool and funny guy, but I wouldn’t want to sleep with him.

  6. Katycougar says:

    This is not playing fair and I chose today to put responding off. Yes I was trying to avoid it. Now that I am done picking Lemons, Marinating chicken, and going grocery shopping I have had time to think about this.

    I have to admit that I agree with MarbleNutSlut except Lil Bo Peep. Dear God, I can’t believe I just confessed that. Rob made me. As for adult diapers there are some exceptions; Super Bowl, NBA playoffs, Stanley Cup and World Series, oh and I almost forgot losing a bet……. Then the wearer must change them themselves. These are the only exceptions and I know this is a man thing. As for 2009’s I admit that I could accept all these, but only for Rob. I think I may need therapy now.

    I decided I would use experience to dictate my deal breakers; my ex-husband. These were the top 5.

    5. Closet Country Music Lover. (Not the Keith Urban Taylor Swift country, but the twangy I can’t even understand the drunkin drawl about killing my wife country.)

    4. Forgetting Birthdays…..yes mine, and Christmas. Who forgets Christmas, especially when family Christmas is held at our house? Yeah deal breaker. Never remembered any other holiday or event either, but these were the most important.

    3. The drunker he got the more pronounced his country accent became. He was from Kansas, but had moved to Southern California when he was 5; WTF. It was never cute. On Rob this one might be forgiven.

    2. Cheap! The man was beyond cheap. He hated to spend a dime. Thank God I worked. You can see #1 is where the money went.

    1. Major drug habit. Coke, Crack, Heroine. Hard to believe a 40 year old successful business man can hide something like that. This one is serious so it is #1. Life changer and will never go there again. I just can’t picture Rob as a junkie.

    Wow sorry I got so serious ladies.

    • The Old One says:

      Well, she did ask the question. I was thinking my dealbreaker is if he was just a complete jerk, but you defined very well what exactly being a jerk looks like, so thanks for that! I’m sure you’ve done some ladies an important service today.

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      Re #2. Bad tippers are OFF my list. WAY WAY off my list. If we went out to a restaurant and Rob tipped $5 on a $60 tab, I’d lose all interest. Poor tippers are an extreme turn-off. Only instance when it is OK is when waitress dumps a drink in your lap and charges you for it. In that case, it is fine.

      Major drug habit would be horrible. Agree there. Rob’s cig habit doesn’t please me but not a deal-breaker, at least for the purposes he’d serve (hot Bo Peep encounter, to clarify).

  7. KeepOnKeepingOn says:

    Ok, I know this is completely off-topic, but has KS had a nose job? Panic Room was on tv and I watched a few minutes of it. Her nose looks bigger. I’ve wondered before, but after seeing that, I thought I’d ask. Anyone know?

    • KeepOnKeepingOn says:

      I honestly don’t care that I got a thumbs down; it actually humors me somewhat. But, seriously? It was a simple question. I did not say anything bad about KStew… personally, I have no qualms with plastic surgery. Hell, I had a boob job and tummy tuck after I had my kids. I’m not a big girl, but my babies were huge. So, yeah, something needed to be done. Anyway, back to the thumbs down thing. Why would anyone thumbs down a person for simply asking a question?

      • MariaCecilia says:

        Don’t worry, it’s just the odd Crazy Fan that stalks us. She thumbs down anything that she even remotely suspects could be interpreted as disparaging to Rob, KStew or Robsten. It’s an involuntary twitching in her fingers, the poor woman can’t help it. To quote Queen Victoria “Close your eyes and think of your country”. Which is Robland, of course. 😉

  8. Beaspoon says:

    OMG, the jorts manip had me laughing soooo hard! Sometimes insomnia isn’t such a bad thing when I can read LTR by myself in my dark living room at 3:30am, lol.

    I think my dealbreakers are of the more serious variety–drugs, abuse, that sort of thing. But yeah, infantilism…I can’t wrap my head around that one, lol. Though if anyone could make Depends look sexy, it would probably be Rob! Haha!

  9. Maggie says:

    I think I’d take Rob any way I could get him!

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      As long as it is just him. What if he brought TomStu along? I’m not sure I could handle TomStu in his current facial hair configuration.

      AGarf could tag along. I mean, I think I could manage that.

      • JellyBeanRainbow says:

        TomStu style beard, not showering and/or anything JerseyShore.

        (I try not to think about diapers, nascar, BettyPoo….)

      • MariaCecilia says:

        Yeah, right, just think about how many of the Brit pack may or may not be hiding in that vegetation patch? What if Sam Bradley fell out of TomStu’s beard just as things were starting to heat up? SO embarrassing!

  10. Maggie says:

    Hmmm. TomStu with that beard is a dilemma. I think he may have to wait in my backyard with my dog and Bear.

    To AGarf or Not to AGarf. That is the question.

  11. Just popping in to say, You girls are hilarious!!! All of you! The comments and post kept me ROTFL.

    And I’m with Maggie. There would be no deal breakers, at least the first time 😉 If it comes down to beardy TomStu addition or nothing? TomStu would be there, but he’d get kicked out of the way an awful lot! Just sayin’

  12. MariaCecilia says:

    I have a really hard time imagining what a deal breaker would be with this man…I guess the reason why you fall for Rob is because you think he is what he seems to be: funny, intelligent, thoughtful and talented. (And incredibly hot, goes without saying.) So I can’t really see him as a pedo, poop-lover or racist, because then he would be…someone else. And then my heart would break and I would have to try my hardest to crush on AGarf instead..doomed to fail in spite of his many qualities. (Fade to Black.)

    • natteringyeahrobber says:

      As much as I stare at this photo of an otherwise attractive, talented man, I just…CANNOT crush on him. It’s ridiculous.

      Some days my remaining (12%…and fading) crush on C-dubs helps me through the Rob drought, but now that there is a CW Twitter drought, I don’t even have that.

      I cannot imagine Rob being into diapering and/or involving TomStu in his hotel room flings (at first I just wrote or, but then giggled at the and/or possibility). But celebrity/fame often does do weird things to people, so you never know. Better Tomstu in diapers than a nasty meth habit and gerbiling, I suppose.

  13. Kaybvee says:

    Well, I bet you Rob looks like Grizzly Adams right about now…

    Come out come out wherever you are! Beardy or not…

  14. roslynselene says:

    My deal breaker would be… (this is a hard one) Rob being a cocky asshole. I HATE dudes that think they’re the shiz. It’s a major turn off. But Rob doesn’t seem like that (actually quite the opposite) so there’s no problem.

    Fetish deal breakers would be anything bat shit crazy like 2 girls 1 cup, cheese wheels, kiddie porn, burning, asphyxiation, and animal role playing costumes. Well actually, if he dressed up in a bunny costume, I’d go up to his hotel room just feed him microwaved carrots and lmao. It would be the funniest things ever. EVER.

  15. maggie says:

    So I googled “Robert Pattinson in costume” hoping I would find something funny to insert into this discussion, and look at this game I found. You can dress and undress Rob and/or Edward (and other Twilight people, but who cares about them) to your hearts content!!!


  16. KeepOnKeepingOn says:

    Yeah, AGarf just does nothing for me… at all. Neither does TomStu. Rob, it’s all you, baby! All you!

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