Banged by the Flash

We recently got a letter from today’s author that actually was just asking us if we’d consider telling you LTR readers about a new piece of fiction she recently wrote that is for sale on Amazon, but I mistook it for a letter to ROB and almost posted it. So I confessed my mistake & Michelle reworked her e-mail to “UC & Moon” to work for “Rob.” And this is the result:

Dear Rob,

I’m about 87% sure that you own a Kindle, and before things get all Stranger Than Fiction and you go and do something completely out of character like, oh, I don’t know, wear a freshly laundered t-shirt, I need to make a confession.

I wrote a novel about you. Sort of.

Let me take a moment to explain.

Rewind a couple years back. March of 2009 two pivotal things happened. One, I saw Twilight, and two I decided to write a book. The book project quickly moved to the back-burner as you managed to infiltrate my computer. Before long you were everywhere, overloading my hard drive with pictures of yourself standing next to a dumpster, buying underwear, or getting out of a cab. I’m still wondering how you succeeded in changing all of my passwords to Spnkrsm-86.

Next, my bookmarks filled with nothing but YouTube links, celebrity gossip pages, and that one URL to my dentist’s website. By the time you hijacked your way into my screensaver, any and all attempts made by me to suppress my growing infatuation were found to be completely and utterly futile. Sure, I tried different things to get my mind off you and your spectacularly coiffed “Edward” hair; advanced calculus, a nice game of lawn darts, C-Span. Nothing worked.

Then, I began to write–a little story about a hobo and a girl who is obsessed with every hot male actor who has ever graced the cover of GQ. I’d like to say that’s where the similarities end, but much like your stellar sense of fashion, the plot only gets more ridiculous from there. I don’t want to give it away, but there’s a magical Jesus Christ action figure, saber-toothed tigers, a pair bedazzled cowboy boots, and some very tasty mango-lemon tartlets. For reals, I’m not making this up.

In hindsight I should have just turned this into fan fiction and called it a day. But no. I actually brought this story to a legitimate writer’s group. And people liked it. Week after week as I faithfully met with “real” writers, all I’d be thinking was, “I really hope these people don’t read Letters to Twilight or I’ll never be able to show my face here again. I’ll be laughed right out of the group!” Finally after a year of writing and another year of editing, I sent this story to agents, like real ones, ones who live in NYC. And there was actual interest. People were asking me to read the manuscript. Seriously, I was as shocked as you are.

That’s about the point where I decided to just put it up on Kindle. I mean, come on, I cannot even keep a straight face as I am typing this. I sound like a lunatic. And having to explain to you why I wrote a book about a girl who falls in love with a guy who resembles “a cross between Teen Wolf and the Gothic Taliban” is probably much easier than having to explain it to some bratty intern over at Random House.

So, Rob, for the bargain rate of only .99 cents you can have your very own digital copy of Banged by the Flash! Just promise not to sue me, mmmkay?


 *Any actual resemblance of my characters to Robert Pattinson is completely fictional. Any resemblance, however, of Robert Pattinson and the weird guy who hangs out in the alley behind The Salvation Army is wholly factual.

GUYS: If Michelle’s book is anything like her letter today, I bet it’s hilarious.. and SO relatable! And it’s a steal at just .99 at the Kindle Store. So check it out: Banged by the Flash [If you’re interested in the book, but you don’t own a Kindle (I don’t have one either) you can download FREE Kindle Apps for your phone or your computer.]

AND we want to give away two copies of the E-book that isn’t about Rob but is about Rob. So Michelle & I will pick out the two funniest comments of the day! So get your funny on!!! Let’s be honest… I KNOW you’ve thought about writing something down before…. and any character you’d write about.. would most likely resemble Rob, too. Right!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

38 Responses to “Banged by the Flash”

  1. Dionrenee says:

    Wow…I cant wait to read this on my kindle! I could totally write a book too, about a Twi-mom robsessed with a 17 yr old hot vamp/goofy british actor who became ridiculed by her daughter, looked at crazily by her husband, friends tried to put her in a support group in cougar town for moms who love teen vamps… to no avail, my Rob cartboard cut out remails at my bedside table!!

    • 40sumthin says:

      Nice to know I’m not the only cougar-mom who’s become a total embarrassment to her 15 & 9 year old girls due to an obsessive Cullen disorder, not to mention an obsession with the hot young actors who portray the Cullen vamps!

  2. Unlikelyfangirl says:

    I love hearing about people putting their Twilight/LTT/LTR obsessions to good use. I still think there is a great master’s thesis to be written about the Twilight online snarky fandom. I’m not quite sure why, but it has entertained me for YEARS now! Firing up my Kindle now…

  3. Kelli says:

    Well, I guess it’s time to get serious about the story I wrote about a woman about to turn 40 who actually finds out who she is by becomming Robsessed! No joke it’s actually an autobiography about myself….

  4. Chocoholic says:

    Just bought my copy! 🙂

  5. Munkee says:

    Dumb question: can Nook readers buy this?

  6. michelle says:

    Im working on getting the book set up for nook, but so far its been ridiculouly harder than kindle.

  7. michelle says:

    Sorry nook readers. Barnes & Noble just told me it will be up by the end of the week. Apparently people who write books about Rob are low priority.

  8. robzanne says:

    86p in the UK, I dont want to win one, i bought it x

  9. beaspoon says:

    I’m always in awe of the amazing ff writers that actually publish their works–well done!! I can’t wait to read it–even the title sounds hilarious, I mean, who wouldn’t want to be banged in the flesh…er, Freudian slip, haha. ;-P

    PS–what’s with the all the thumbs downs, ladies? I never get who is out there thumbs downing comments all day!

    • Beaspoon says:

      So, are you thumbs-downing my P.S. about thumbs downs? Seriously? Or my praise for ff writers? Oh trolls, you never get old on the interwebs, lol.

  10. The Old One says:

    It’s amazing to me how Rob inspires creativity in his admirers. I haven’t written a fanfic or plain old regular fic, but did consider it, which is almost unbelievable for me. But I did write letters to LTR and LTT, learned how to use photoshop, how to post and link to pictures, all because of him. A very time-consuming learning curve, sure, but totally worth it!

  11. I totally could have wrote that! Sounds just how my life went after seeing Twilight. My family began to think I was a weirdo, My brother-in-law has actually HID my Twi-collection durring my Own sons birthday party! Robward has made a home in my house. from the dolls of 2 different sizes(yes I have 2), to 3D posters, and even magizines that were awesome enough to plaster his face all over them! Can’t wait to read it!

  12. Rob's Bitch says:

    Oh, I get it. Rob is “banged” around by the “flash” of the paparazzi.

    I have no fucking idea what this post was about.

  13. maggie says:

    Who is going nutso on the thumbs down today? Unless it’s something about SWMNBN, I never know what the thumbs down mean. Speak up, oh silent one(s).

    • Katycougar says:

      I think someone has gone rogue.
      You laid the rules down as I understand them.
      You know maybe someone thinks this is a voting system like MTV (chuckle) and they will win this ebook on Amazon this way.
      I don’t recognze hardly anyone here today and I was not going to comment because i was not interested in the topic, but now that you are here……….. Smiles.

      Whoever you are I dare you to thumbs down me………..

  14. 40sumthin says:

    Gonna have to get me this book that’s obviously NOT about Robert Pattinson so I can read it while sitting in my woman cave that’s NOT decorated with Twilight Saga memorabilia & certainly contains NO posters or calendars of Rob while NOT listening to the 3 soundtracks over & over again! Can’t wait!

    • roslynselene says:

      And do you definitely *NOT* have a red carpet, Cardboard Edward, and chocolate covered strawberries? 😉

    • MariaCecilia says:

      You’ve got a woman cave! Wow, now I’m jealous.. If I had a “room of one’s own” like Virginia Woolf advocated I would totally decorate it with all my hidden Twi-paraphernalia too..*sigh*

  15. MariaCecilia says:

    Well, since all books I read now seem to be about Robert Pattinson (just my crazy imagination, his face turns up on every reasonably hot male protagonist I read about!) what’s another one to add to the list?
    And just as The Old One says: being hit bang-on by the rob-lightning has made me updated in the fields of musik, literature and technology, so I guess now the time has come to Kindle.
    The thumbs down: No idea. Someone’s twitching bad today. Maybe hungover? 😉

  16. FritzWenzie says:

    This just in- Major lurker of some two years chiming in with a Hell Yeah! Finally, a chick who is proud of her clearly delusional obsession with Robward and willing to showcase it to the world. I will say with complete honesty that when I read the post I did several fist pumps and yelled, “thats what I’m talking bout!” Don’t worry everyone, no one was hurt. Since I too am constantly engrossed in anything pertaining to Robert Pattinson I will be purchasing this novel ASAP and I will not be hiding it… maybe just a little…

    • Michelle says:

      Holy crappers!! Totally didn’t see this comment this morning due to my job blocking letterstorob (lame, I know) and me having to check comments on my phone.

      High fives for being awesome! Lurkers unite! Though, I guess I am out of the twi-closet now. 🙂

  17. Honorella says:

    What FritzWenzie said! I purchased and am reading. And chuckling a lot!!

  18. Beaspoon says:

    I went ahead and bought my copy (it’s my birthday today and a friend gave me an Amazon gift card–it was perfect timing!) Can’t wait to read it!!

  19. Kelli says:

    Just finished the book, literally couldn’t stop reading it! I had to find out what happened~ Michelle I loved it! I laughd so hard in some parts I thought I would pee my pants. I was reading it at work and had to keep telling my friend about it! Great job!

  20. Appl says:

    This book is soooo good. 🙂 I laugh all the time…it is really great!

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