Rob’s bodyguard, Dean, is cheating on him

Dear Dean the bodyguard,

We received a frantic* e-mail from Bea this morning that said:

Not only do I think of Twilight every time I pass an Olive Garden, but I go to look at pictures of Jennifer Aniston violating the Vatican dress code and recognize the bodyguard. “Hey, Dean’s in Rome!” And, sadly, that’s more interesting to me than Jen’s knees.

 And as interesting as it is that the Vatican let Jennifer get away with knees showing & nipples pointing, (check out these pics) it was interesting to me to learn that you are also guarding Jennifer Aniston. I mean…. aren’t there any other big dudes in LA that Jen can use? Is this a new thing? Did Rob steal YOU from Jennifer? Did you have to arm wrestle her boyfriend at a job interview?

And how in the world does someone have time to be a bodyguard to both Rob AND J Aniston? Does this mean Rob is on a long vacation in a truly private vacation spot, and you were relieved for a few weeks? Did he hitch a ride up to the space station when Dragon went to deliver supplies to the space station recently? (<– Look at me. Hip on current news)

How does Jen compare to Rob? I bet the snacks are healthier. Does she really drink Smart Water that often? Are the fans crazier? Ever encounter a crazy fan trying to hit her with a fake Angelina leg? Does she even let you drink beer or eat anything over 425 calories?

Does Rob ask details after you’re back serving him? Do you call it “serving?” Do you feel comradery with Carson the Butler on Downton Abbey? Do you ever accidentally refer to it as “servicing him” when talking to Kristen & she shoots you a dirty look while you & Rob crack up? Was Rob happy with the ending on Friends? Was he rooting for Ross & Rachel all along? How pissed was he when they named their TV daughter Emma, taking a gorgeous old-fashioned name & guaranteeing that everyone born after 1998 will have at least 57 Emma’s in their graduating class?

These are important questions, Dean.




*Bea wasn’t frantic at all. But clearly I am. Or I had too much coffee. Or I just really miss Friends. That’s it. I’m starting at Season 1 tonight & will watch all 10 years all over. I’ll let you know how it goes. SEVEN

19 Responses to “Rob’s bodyguard, Dean, is cheating on him”

  1. Bea says:

    I’m so glad UC found this intriguing too. I felt very weird recognizing the bodyguard in a celebrity shot. But if it raises this many questions for someone else then it’s obviously Normal.

  2. Just the tip, eh? says:

    There is a very simple explanation to this. Dean is obviously a twin.

  3. The Old One says:

    Dean’s cheating on Rob? Does that mean he’s bi-curious?

    • MariaCecilia says:

      No, bi-focal. Dean got his eyes crossed one time too many at the airport and followed the wrong celebrityinto the wrong limo. And now he’s ended up in Rome with Jennifer and is kind of pleased with the result. No dirty man-smelling socks to pick up off the floor. No silly Brit-jokes. No one stealing his Heinekens when his back is turned. Barring the Smart Water, what’s not to like?

  4. Nelle says:

    Did Rob and Dean have a fight? Did they break up? Or maybe Dean just wanted a paid trip to Rome.

    BD 2 ALERT!! There is a new teaser trailer on robstenation.

  5. roslynselene says:

    Maybe Rob’s fans scared Dean away. I mean, we actually KNOW who he is. And to take up a notch on the creeper lever, there’s a “Letters To Dean” website. That’s when he feared for his life and pussied out. I guess Dean just doesn’t have what it takes to be with Rob and the crazy that follows him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    • MariaCecilia says:

      No, I think Dean’s jealous: he wants to see if he can keep our attention on his own, apart from The Pretty. “Do you love me for myself?” is the haunted question in his insecure boyish gaze, can’t you tell? Everyone, on cue: “Aaaaawwww, Deanie.”

  6. Venom says:

    Maybe the homemade pet treats pushed him over the edge. Thanks a lot, lady.

  7. MariaCecilia says:

    This is Dean striking out on his own. He will turn up next with a small part in the next Jennifer Aniston comedy, and before you know it, he’ll be on Ellen, talking about his wonderful life as a celebrity body guard, after writing the book with all the stories behind the scenes. “And then Rob had me stop at In-and-Out AGAIN for cheeseburgers. And then I said..” Go Dean!

    • The Old One says:

      Oh, I want that tell-all book so badly!! Pleeez Dean, pleeez!

    • The Old One says:

      This might be an appropriate time to re-post my little poem I wrote a few years ago:

      Today we sing an ode to Dean
      Summit hired you to keep our heartthrob clean

      At every photo op you’re there,
      Silent, stoic and hyper-aware

      Keeping all the crazy MILFs at bay
      Will you spill the beans one day?

      O Dean, your watchful eyes
      Keep tabs on His Holy Hotness’ thighs

      So the world is waiting for you to speak
      A tell-all book would make us freak!

      Tell us what Rob’s really like
      And in whose bed he spends the night

      If you would talk, we all would listen
      You’ve got the scoop on him and Kristen!

  8. I am strangely bothered by this – and the important question is: who’s guarding The Precious?!

    • MariaCecilia says:

      Since Rob’s going to play a US soldier next maybe he’s prepping, learning martial arts and got cocky thinking “Hey, I can do what Dean does, that doesn’t seem hard, I can defend myself.” Hm, only Dean is like a foot taller and 200 pounds heavier…

  9. MariaCecilia says:

    I read this in The Paris Review and immediately understood who the source was:
    “Dear Paris Review,
    Someone sent me this text message yesterday: “What’s a book I should read to make girls think I’m smart in a hot way? I want to seem like a douchey intellectual instead of my deadbeat self.” What should I tell him?
    Sincerely, A”

    Oh, Rob, why don’t you pick up a copy of “Fifty shades of grey”? We already think you’re smart in a hot way, so you don’t have to read Joan Didion for us..

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