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What if Rob wasn’t famous: The American Trucker

Dear Rob,

Be still my hopeful heart

I’d be lying if I said I was feeling your “look” as you road trip across American with Sam & Tom. I’m not opposed to a little beardage- Mr. Choice has been rocking the full beard for about a year now and I know first-hand what sort of pleasures it can bring. But I think mix that with your sweat from the Texas heat, plus your new-found love for American beer at Cricket’s bar’s $2.50 PBR “College Night,” and your apparently interest in American football, you lost a little of your British charm this past week. Sure, sure- you were seen holding a guitar & my heart jumped a beat thinking of you entertaining the folks at a local Houston watering hole, but then I got real and admitted to myself you were more likely to be playing the latest Kid Rock song than making the crowd swoon with some mellow, Brit folk these days.

You look like you belong on a Big Rig. Yes, my imagination has run wild again and I’ve been thinking about what you might be like if you weren’t famous. And “Truck Driver Across America” comes to mind. Unfortunately. Not that it’s all bad- Instead of Van Morrison your musical tastes would be Charlie Daniels or Hank Jr. And they’re pretty legendary. You wouldn’t need to worry about being caught behind a dumpster because you’d always have your cab you could take girls to. You’d never have to worry about combing your hair cause you could just permanently wear your hat. Plus Hot Pockets are even BETTER at 4 am when you heat them up in the microwave at the Flyer J Truck Stop. Plus those places are one-stop-shops- when you roll up, you just put your name on the list and they CALL YOU when your shower is ready! No need to remember to shower when “Flo” behind the counter keeps you updated and makes sure your water is warm. Plus the best thing about the stretch of highway in rural Georgia on your way into Florida? Naked waitresses at the late night diner!

So I did what any normal blogger who loves you through thick & thin, good and bad, would do: I googled the crap out of “Trucker Social networking Site” until I came across: Trucker Passions. And I set you up with a profile.

Because I think that the nice people at trucker passions will probably reject your profile as “fake” in the next few hours (even though I read their guidelines about nudity and changed your profile picture from the one I wanted to use- Cut off Flannel shirt ala Larry the Cable Guy up top and nothing on down below- to something more truck driver appropriate) Here is a screenshot of your profile at TruckerPassions.com. You’re welcome, Motha Truckn’ Brit

Click to make me nice & big (twss)

Rob drives a truck

Keep on Truckin’,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Zeph for your help!!!

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130 Commented


The Good Ol’ Days of Rob Pattinson

Dear Rob,

Where have I been, you ask? You might think I’ve been hiding in a hole distraught over the news that you MAY have REUNITED with you know who. But in reality, I could care less and it bores me so much to even think about the topic so that is the extent of what we’ll discuss about it. Do what you gotta do. But I Katy Perry would have been fun for a little while.

What I HAVE been doing, though, is getting kinda reminiscent. Call it old age (don’t call it that); call it the realization that The Twilight End Is Coming (wahhh), but I’ve been scouring the LTR archives remembering back to the days when you were SO MUCH FUN. Here are a few things I’ve found:

I really miss MySpace Gangsta Rob

Click for ultimate LOLs

who was the first Rob we featured in our series “What if Rob wasn’t famous.” You were inspired by a cousin of mine whose Facebook profile doesn’t look much better than your MySpace Page

And where did hott butt from behind Rob go?

(Is it me or did you gain a few in the backside?) This could also be called “Almost growing a fishtail-Rob”

And how fun was that time we lost you in 2009 & vickyb put your picture on a milk carton?

And I MISS DRUNK ROB. Especially when you look like a wedding crasher

(The caption on that photo was: “This is what Rob looks like when TomStu leaves him alone with a Nana” I bet that was funny back in ’09!)

And what about all the fun we had when you looked like you were a guy who delivered the best nachos of all time:

The Nacho Man edition

And remember when WE ARE THE ROB worked & actually brought PEACE to the fandom for like a whole 20 minutes!?

And remember back when Pattinson Pants lady used to exist & comment?

(I sure hope those pants still exist- DO YOU THINK SHE’LL BE IN LA IN NOVEMBER!? That would be a FABULOUS end to a crazy 4 years. Especially if she lets me try on the pants)

And of course who could forget Rob as a Trucker

Click to Re-read. You won’t regret it!

That one time where I ACTUALLY created a real profile on Trucker Passions.com with the headline “My rig is big”

Sigh.. it’s been so long I even miss Gold Chain Rob

From the one where talked about all the Rob Dealbreakers we have

AND GUYS: We know how I feel about GQ Rob!

I’ve begged & prayed & waited but NOTHING comes close to this photoshoot for me!

Oh Rob.. what am I going to have to do to have that much fun again? Imagine another “What if he wasn’t famous…” But this time you’re a server at Downton Abbey (hmmm… good excuse to google more pictures of Matthew/Dan Stevens…..)

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What pictures/moments/Old Robs do you miss about ROB?

 

14 Commented


Storytime with LTR: Rob in Berlin

LTR friend JellyBeanRainbow went to Berlin this weekend & saw Bel Ami AND Rob. Here is her story:

Dear Letters To Rob headquarters,

soooooo, I went to Berlin. To see Bel Ami, to see Rob.

Berlinale palace grand entrance

I kept convincing myself it was fate, but it wasn’t really. I was off that weekend (I wasn’t really, but I’m friends with the girl who does our general schedule and she changed some dates). I was on Twitter when tickets for the movie went on sale  and, what a coincidence, I got one (no, I knew beforehand what time the tickets will be on sale and I prepared myself, set up the alarm clock at 10 am,  credit card  nearby and everything). The 5 star hotel nearby was incredibly cheap and I got a room with a view of the red carpet (true about the price, but I asked the lady at the reception desk for the view).

I was excited to go, but kept asking myself what the hale I was doing and why. I travelled to Berlin and spent hundreds of euros to see a movie. Really?

I stayed at Hyatt hotel where the press conference was scheduled, but I realized that after I booked it. I imagined myself sitting at the hotel lobby bar  with a cool diet Coke in hand , cool as fu*k ( the phrase some brit rock stars use) while Rob would arrive and mayhem and madness would start. I imagined myself being able to take a quick look at the press conference hall, a wandering hotel guest, being lost and being allowed to do so, just for a minute. Nothing of this happened as my flight was delayed for more than 5 hours due to snow at the airport I had to travel via on my way to Berlin. I arrived well after the press event was over and Rob was gone.

It was 4 pm by the time I changed and left the room. Red carpet was ready and there were some people, but there was still enough place in the first row on the side. I decided to take place across the red carpet, near the press area. First row, great view, I wouldn’t be able to get a photo or an autograph, but I’d see everything.

My original spot

It was 4:30 and although it wasn’t that cold, around freezing temperature ( it was waaaay below friezing the days before), there was terrible wind and icy rain was starting to fall down. Half an hour of waiting and I was so cold my neck and back started to hurt. I was dressed nicely, as you’re supposed to be for that kind of event, nice coat, a scarf, cute boots… No fleece, no ugly hat, no  Edward blanket, like some of the people waiting. Of course I was cold, but I looked good.  Later I found out there were people with a banner that said: Freezing for Rob for 30 hours.

Well, I’m not that fan and I had a pneumonia and 3 bad colds this winter so far, so I did the unimaginable: I left the red carpet, I left my good spot, I left the first row and went to the Starbucks to warm myself with a hot cocoa and to check via free wi-fi what was going on.

When I came back there were many more people there, but not only fans of the female kind, also families, older people who would have gone no matter who was the star of the evening. The first row was packed, but there were some empty spaces at the side. I was stupid and didn’t go there, because it looked too far away. What a mistake, Rob went there first to start signing when he finally arrived. I choose to stand on a small pedestal (one of many) at the top of the viewing area. There were no bracelets, no numbered spots, just a few security people. A half an hour before stars were supposed to arrive, anyone could still enter the red carpet fan area.
The view was great and behind me the limousines we’re waiting in line to drive to the red carpet.

I was looking at them and trying I recognize someone inside, I saw Dean, but thought no, it’s too early. Mistake, again, it was Dean and Rob was one of he first to arrive. Everything was calm, if I haven’t seen Rob, I couldn’t tell he was there. No screaming, no mayhem,nothing, just a slight excitement in the air, it could have been anyone famous.

Suddenly I felt I was too far away and wouldnt get any good photos, so I had to go closer to the red carpet. It was easy, people just stayed on their spots and in seconds I was very close to Rob. I took several blurry photos, felt my knees go weak, again starting to ask myself WTF I was doing there, stared at him, forgot to take more photos… and then he went away, walking along first row to the right side. My pedestal wasn’t available anymore so I went to the other side- the second row was still available. Rob stopped signing at the middle of the area and went to the right side and suddenly he was standing almost in front of me, again. Still no screaming among the fans, but a lot of pushing, for a moment I thought we all will fall down. I was so surprised he came to the right side so fast I forgot to put my Bel Ami book out of my bag, but it was too late, couldn’t do it anymore, in a second there was a lot of people behind and around me and I couldn’t move. Took some more photos and he was out of my sight soon.

I couldn’t believe my luck, I placed myself to the right spot twice so far. Well, almost. I felt so great, like an experienced fan, being so good at choosing the place to be, but soon the WTF am I doing moment kicked in. I was so excited, but I was alone. No friend to be excited with next to me. No one to talk about when the limousine stopped right in front of us and the Pattinson family exited. Not in the middle of the red carpet, but at the side. No one recognized them, they walked unnoticed. I was conflicted: should I say something, like   “Hi Dick&Claire”, or maybe Hello Mr. and Mrs. Pattinson, so I didn’t say anything. But I was freaking inside, proud of myself that I know who they were… And the WTF moment kicked again.

Pattinson family: Can you believe I was so close an I didn't yell at them?

Pattinsons walked for some time unnoticed, until the official photographers saw them and then they started to pose.  I think Victoria was the one with the boyfriend and I remember he looked a little like Stephen from Vampire Diaries, but taller. Some other stars arrived and they posed for cameras forever. At that time there was a lot of people in the fan area some brought the ladders with them and if standing at the back, you couldn’t see anyone on the red carpet anymore. But there were a lot of huge monitors so everyone could see what was happening.

I was taking the photos of monitors from then on. When they finally went inside, Christina, Holliday and Rob signed their huge photos hanging in the lobby and it was over. The majority of people left, but some stayed. I went back into my hotel and looked what’s happening from time to time through my window, but got bored soon. Did the fans really think Rob will exit the place through red carpet and sign some more?

I had ticket  for the Bel Ami screening that was the next day, in another place. I too walked the red carpet, but so did everyone who went by. It was just a movie, no cast, no fuss, no announcement…

After the jump, SPOILER ALERT– it’s JellyBeanRainbow’s review of Bel Ami Continue…

145 Commented


This day in Rob in 2010

Rob, one year ago

Dear Rob,

Yep. It’s me again. You’ve got to be SO tired of me- especially after all the weeks we “had” together when Moon was gone. But today Moon is covering LTT (<—I can’t promise she posted yet today! She may have gone home with Big Daddy!) cuz she was at the Abduction premiere last night & has MANY stories to tell, so I’m DOING ROB again (you remember how that’s our favorite joke that hasn’t gotten old yet, even 2.5+ years in, right?).

And I got thinking “What was going on in “This day in Rob” one year ago? Cause I bet it was more interested than THIS DAY in Rob, today!” And it turns out that September 16, 2010 was one of our “off” days because we had switched to every other day posting by then. So I guess it was more boring. BUT on September 14, 2010 we had one of my favorite letters ever: What if Rob wasn’t Famous: The American Trucker Edition, where, inspired by your roadtrip with your “boys” to Lubbock, TX and a guitar & your fluffy beard, I decided you’d most likely be a trucker if you weren’t famous. And what does a trucker need? A profile on Trucker Passions, you know.. the social networking site for horny professional truckers. So I created one. A real one that was left live for approximately 2 days until the site owners, surprised by the sudden increase in web traffic, did some research & found their latest, bad-spelling trucker looking for love resembled that “vampire” from the Twilight movie. Sad for Rob the Trucker, who just wanted to “driv on da rode”

Try not to laugh at this, again (click to make bigger)

My rig is Big

Um “My Rig is Big!?”  I think that was the best thing I ever wrote. (I just read that out loud to Mr. Choice and he said “those were the glory days” True. They were)

And in case you’re feeling REALLY nostalgic, here is what Rob was up to in 2009. Apparently us begging you to come & do something interesting or “Bring back that lovin’ feeling” started way back even 2 years ago!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Yep. That’s ALL I got. Sorry, but when I researched a year ago, I laughed SO hard re-reading “What if Rob was an American Trucker” That I just HAD to re-post. We could ALL use some laughs at Rob’s expense again!!!

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18 Commented


Does Robet Pattinson wonder about his life….?

Dear Rob,

Moon found this gem of a picture over on a Tumblr account yesterday with the caption:

I wonder if Robert Pattinson ever wonders about his life

I’ll give you a few days minutes to fully appreciate the above portrait of what your life could be. Look at your potential child. Plan what you’re going to do with this collage burn it like blow it up and have it printed on a big canvas to hang above THE fireplace (You know the one)

Rob's new desktop background: his feminine self

Now let’s talk: do you? Wonder about your life? Do you sit around and think about how this stuff is out there? Does it even phase you that it exists? Has anyone TOLD you that it exists?

Picture this: It’s a boring Saturday. There’s nothing on TV and you can’t figure out how to work that “video game machine” in your rental house. What do you do? Do you break out the ipad & Google yourself? Even though last time you did it you swore you never would again? Does life ever get that boring (Or do you ever get THAT drunk? Or- what I would do if I were him- does TomStu ever change your laptop background to one of these fan made gems?) If so, what do you think? Anything? What comes to mind? Is it “normal” at this point? Or can you still not believe that this happened… to you?

Rob's favorite meal: Corn on the cob, lobster & Heineken

Do you ever actually open any of the fan mail you get? If you do, what do you think when you’re handed a replica of your very favorite, holey shirt. Does that scare that shit out of you or are you happy because now you can throw out the old shirt that really wasn’t ridding itself of its musty scent, no matter how many times you washed it? What about when your manager hands you a gift from a fan & you open it and it is all your favorite snacks & a 6 pack of your favorite beer? Are you excited because your fridge is a barren wasteland most of the time & you can finally go to bed full tonight? Or are you creeped out because how do they remember?

Do you even ask your parents what they’ve been up to anymore? Or do you fear that everytime you do your dad is going to regail you of stories of “a nice young girl” who recently stopped by & dropped flowers off at the house? Or how Claire “just happened” to receive a box of her favorite chocolates in the mail. Or what if Dick tells you you moved out right at the wrong time because a bunch of “nice girls your age” have been hanging around near the house and they never did before? Does it phase you?

And do you have to think twice before you text a friend a dirty joke knowing that it’s possible someone has hacked into your phone, looked at your personal pictures & sees everything you search for or do (mainly the menu item “HOW TO USE THE JITTERBUG PHONE)? And getting back to that boring Saturday, what if you want to watch PORN but fear that someone guessed your wireless password (Patty), turned on your web cam & is watching you at this very moment?

Do you ever pick up a magazine while you’re in line checking out at Maxwell’s Market in Baton Rouge and read an article about how you like to shop at Maxwell’s Market and look around to see whose watching you. and since they wrote “so one can only hope he picked up some items to cook her [Kristen] a romantic dinner!” you suddenly feel self conscious because all that is in your basket is a pack of Twizzlers, some bottled water & string cheese. So you put the items back & walk out. Because you can’t even grocery shop without an audience. And someone asks you to sign their reusable Maxwell’s Market bag on the way out the door….

But I bought this rare guitar for $700!!! My money might run out soon!

Rob, what do you think about your life? Sure you’re famous, and it comes with the territory. But do the gobs of money being thrown at you make it worth it (I’m going to go with NO since it seems the only thing you spend money on is processed food & guitars. Take a trip! buy a boat! Fly to a remote place where paparazzi leaves celebs alone (it’s possible). Unless you live in a cave where you get little to no contact (and that’s kinda true) you have to know that some of this exists. And I can laugh (and I do) and make light of it (and write you letters about it) and discuss it with my pals, but at the end of the day, you are an actual person- not just a figment of my imagination- and these things actually happen to you….. so … do you wonder? Do you even think about it? Does it phase you…? I want to know…. (and so I’ll wait until the next time you google yourself & find these questions. In the meantime I’ll just be photoshopping Mr. Choice out & you into my wedding pictures. I also have a pregnant cousin who I kinda resemble. I think with my face & her body, it could be the spiting image of our possible future together as mommy & daddy….)

Love,
UnintendedChioce

What do you think? When Rob is confronted with the crazy aspects of his fame, what DOES he think!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

80 Commented


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