RobPorn Videos PLUS Sugarlumps

cue porn-seekers coming across LTR because of that title

Zeph leads us in admiration today:

Dear Rob,

It’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me. I haven’t forgotten about you, it’s just that RL has been taking away all my time. Well that and the fact that you really haven’t been giving us too much lately. No photo shoots. No adorakable interviews. No crazy US Magazine rumors. No 3am beer runs or In and Out drive thrus . No buddy road trips. Just a few fan shots on the Cosmopolis set. It’s just not enough to pull me in for hours at a time. Tonight though I revisited one of my favorite past times.

Yes, I went RobPorn hunting.

Took me a bit but I navigated my way through the bajillion RobPorn videos on youtube and with the help of PinkPixieChick I found all my old favorites:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygoyTIrIVe8]

Why? Why did I ever take a break from this? At least I know you’re always there when I come to my senses.

Taking my breath away once again,

Zephyersky

After the jump, Moon & I get Roblosophical about something that isn’t Roblosophical at all: Continue…

37 Commented

Debbert- A story of True Love

Dear Rob,

Today’s LTR is going to be a bit different. You see last week I was forwarded a Rob Pattinson fan fiction. You heard that right. Rob Pattinson. It was written by Debbie- a story about the love between her and Rob. Moon & I discussed how we needed to present this. Should we do a dramatic reading? What if we wrote a screenplay & made a film? But then we were sent a break-down that our friends Amber & LiLI (from Shack of Soul) did one day instead of working. And after we stopped working to read, and cried and laughed and cried some more, we decided we couldn’t keep this to ourselves. This is long. There are no pictures. This is very unedited and there are timestamps. But This is WORTH EVERY MINUTE you will spend reading it.

Sadly, the fic has now disappeared or been locked up (It was originally found here) but it started out with pictures (pictures of what seem to be the actual people the fic characters are based on) of Debbie, her bff & family, her mom & step dad, Ken, her priest (I think) The Band Strypr. It makes sense when you read the break down. Sorta. And the first time Debbie & Rob get errr sexual she describes wearing a “beige bra.” So if you ever hear us tweeting/making reference to a beige bra (or if I text you a picture of my own) that’s where the joke comes from.

In case you don’t have time read it all (but seriously- YOU NEED TO) here are the “chapters” of the break-down you can scroll through to get a taste. You won’t be sorry. Well, unless this is really you, Rob, reading this. Then you’ll probably be sorry.

But since you’re going to listen to me and read the entire thing, you can do that after the jump! Continue…

110 Commented

Breaking it down text style: The kiss, VJ day, miracles and Water for Elephants

Just priming the lips......

Dear Rob,

Since you decided to up and out yourself yesterday while UC was away from her computer (the blog elves let her out for a weekend!) and away from gchat we were forced to break down this momentous glorious splendiferous news via text. So I present to you in cooperation with AT&T and iPhone the first ever Breaking it down texting style… (cheers from the crowd)…
.

Moon: Well that happened. Let me know when you wanna break it down…

UC: What? What happened? ROBSTEN sex tape ? (Please love that my phone knows to automatically put ROBSTEN in caps)

Moon: I like that your mind goes immediately to a Robsten sex tape and not like we found Osama Bin Laden or maybe I have a boyfriend or something of actual consequence!

UC: So, you’re saying it’s not?

Moon: it’s a kiss picture! A very obvious let’s kiss they’re all looking picture. Prepare yourself for the meltdown

UC: Send me pics!!

UC: Robsten is pr. ROBSTEN is promoting wfe!!!

Moon: Crazy nonstener!!!! Their love is not a product of the man or a movie studio! How dare you!

UC: Has anyone committed suicide yet? Attempts on K’s life?

Moon: Hahahah No, thank god! Theres a lot of “duh, told you so,” “happy for HIM” and general epic love-ness going around.

UC: Has half of robs fan base given up on him?

UC: this news means my life is complete. I believe in love. I want to rush home & make a baby

Robsten makes people do stuff like this

Moon: If anything this whole thing has made me believe in love again too. I’m on my way out to find a man and kiss him in the streets like it’s VJ day. This is our generation’s VJ day!

UC: Do you know any Lionel Richie lyrics by heart?

Moon: My endless looooove!!

UC: Upon viewing… my heart skipped a beat. I mean it’s kissing. No one else does it like that. No one.

Moon: Never in the history of the world have two people pecked in the back of a cab like that.

Moon: I wonder if anyone was spontaneously healed after viewing these pictures.

Moon: Did any wheel chair ridden robsten fans stand up and walk? Did a blind cat see again?

UC: Did a barren woman suddenly become pregnant with twins?

Moon: One named rob the other named Kristen?

Yes, this happened

UC: Did pigs put on little dresses and fly overhead?

UC: Did divorce cease to exist?

UC: Did all women become the perfect size 2?

UC: Did every restaurant taste as good as calypso cafe- where I’m currently sitting in Nashville?

Moon: Did every day become a weekend? Is April 17 now considered a national holiday?

UC: Yes. We need to contact hallmark to get them to make cards

Moon: I can’t believe the post office and banks are still open. This is a BIG deal. Where is Obama!??

Someone cue "Robsten the Beautiful"

UC: He’s preparing a moment of silence for the country. The white house has had a strict no speaking policy all morning

Moon: I bet even Libya is calling a cease fire in honor of this event

UC: World hunger ceased and everyone’s stomachs were filled with food.

Moon: Water turned into (boxed) wine again. And there was much rejoicing

UC: Our country’s anthem has now changed to “God bless ROBSTEN” and “Robsten the beautiful.”

Ladies you can't be mad at this face for long!!

Moon: I wonder if the Vatican called a special session to discuss saint hood for the holy couple and any future offspring?

While sadly none of these things did happen after the kiss heard round the internets we both had a smile on our faces and love in our hearts so that’s what matters. And you know what else REALLY matters? You’re in a movie coming out this Friday called Water for Elephants! Amazing!

Happy VJ Day!
Themoonisdown

Was anyone miraculously healed after this event? Does anyone still care enough to be surprised? Did anyone look at the slow mo gif of the kiss and thing “is that really a kiss??” Maybe.

Salacious photos courtesy of Popsugar

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

160 Commented

Rob & Reese “reconnect” at sea

Dear Rob,

Moon & I heard you & Reese were on the front cover of Entertainment Weekly magazine. You know what that means! Time to “Break it down vanity fair style!”

The one where we need Robsessed

UC: so I hear there are new Rob pics? I assume there are scans at Robsessed? ps.. what if Robsessed didn’t exist? I don’t know a single other Rob blog except some that won’t post paparazzi pics. and what’s the point?
Moon: right Robsessed better never leave us
UC: you better DO US good Robsessed with these supposed EW pics…. I do not have the energy go to back to the grocery store & pick up a copy (but.. by the way I didn’t SEE it when I was at the check out counter.. maybe it’s not out yet? leaked early?)
Moon: its out tomorrow
UC: look at you! do you know a mailman?
Moon: I’m doing the newstand guy so i can get this kind of info
UC: good idea!
Moon: the dirty persian newsstand owner
UC: yeah.. no bother that he smells like falafel- you gotta get your news
Moon: hot and heavy for 5 minutes behind the BUSINESS section then i get as many mags as i can hold

The one where we say “Awww” while laughing

UC: awww i just saw the pic!

UC:HAH!! FIRST thought. Rob is thinking, “I’m kinda a big deal”
Moon: AWWWWWWW. I laughed and then did a side head tilt “aw”
UC: hahhahaha! Me too!! I said “AWWW” but was also really laughing
Moon: THIS is how you do a cover (though I’m not a fan of that shirt) I like the smirk! ps poor Reese has the HUGE title “TWILIGHT” right over her!! Rob from twilight is in this new movie about elephants and oh here’s Reese saying something about him
UC: I feel like she’s looking at her husband… proud of a recent business accomplishment
Moon: yea like this is their country club membership photo
UC: TOTALLY
Moon: or they’re brother and sister sitting for a picture for their dad’s birthday gift
UC: This is at “Casino” night at the Yacht club
Moon: like they might have been extras in dirty dancing or Titantic
UC: I’m giggling like a fool. I feel like he just won the grand prize on Celebrity Apprentice. Trump just told him he’s been hired
Moon: or they went on a Carnival cruise and this is the fancy dress up dinner night- or this might also be their christmas card. The kids got cut out. This is the photo from Rob’s monthly real estate newsletter for his realty company. “Single family homes AVAILABLE!”
UC: Its what Reese uses in her pampered chef newsletter to encourage her clients to buy more neat kitchen gadgets. “You can please your man like I please mine””
Moon: he loves the Pillsbury crescent dough mini pizza. “Get a 2 for 1 apple, peeler, corer, slicer if you order and use the code “Robpple””
Moon: Or this is the photo in the newspaper during the city counsel election season the week before Rob is found at a bar with the hot neighbor lady. Escalando!
UC: YES! He’s running for city counsel…. And she just wants him home at night in time for dinner
Moon: she has new crescent dough recipes to try on him before her “parties”
UC: wow I read that as “panties”
Moon: the mini pizzas are panty shaped. Bachelorette party!

The one with the cruise

UC: Uh oh! They’re getting crazzzzzy on the cruise! The photographer wanted him to do the dip… they went crazy & she showed some leg
Moon: WOAH this is after the couples ballroom dancing class! Johnny and baby were the instructors. This is Reese’s new FB profile pic to make all the housewives on their block jealous
UC: she is gorgeous!
Moon: SO photogenic. Like he’s hot, clearly, but I’m looking at her
UC: That hair! I realize they did that RIGHT before they pressed the shutter button on the camera… but still I like to pretend some people have great hair all the time like that and then be jealous.
Moon: I’m a Reecbian!
UC: ME TOO. Seeing that pic made me NOT put that last pretzel in my mouth- since I basically ate the whole bag.
Moon: i shoved the last gummy worm in my mouth. I still cant get over that collar. Is it supposed to be like that?! Pull that shit down!!!
UC: Pull that shirt OFF! Whoa- watch me go!

The one where we accidentally make fun of mom blogs

Moon: she looks SO sassy stay-at-home-mom. She blogged the whole cruise on her mom blog
UC: YEP. went “Thrifting” right before they left & found this vintage find. She posted it on her blog: ReeseLovesRob.blogspot.com (tag line: And Billy, Elizabeth & Rob Jr.)
Moon: They miss the kids but REALLY needed to get away and “reconnect.” It’s been a busy election season, lots of pampered chef parties, lots of thrifting and anthro knock off designs around the house
UC: The cruise was necessary because “Bob” (the name only she’s allowed to call him) could only be on his black berry when they were close to land, which was every day but for just a few hours. It was paradise
Moon: tomorrow’s post from the cruise is going to be close ups of all the plates of food they ate and abstract shots of the midnight buffets
UC: and maybe if we’re lucky, a self portrait of them snuggling in bed.. sharing a pillow
Moon: and a funny one with Rob and the animal the maids made out of towels
UC: He paid them an extra $10 to make an elephant every day.

Read a few entries from Reece’s blog after the jumping Rob! Continue…

104 Commented

Breaking It Down: we’ve been Incepted, Steve Irwin and tucked in shirts

Dear Rob,

Last night I got a few anxious texts and saw a bunch of tweets about you and an alligator. I didn’t know what was going on because my head was spinning to fast with thoughts of Chris Weitz on Twitter to find out. I just knew it’d be something UC and I would end up breaking down the next day. Soooo here we are…

The one where we try to Break It Down without even seeing it

look up Steve Irwin fanart for a good time!

Moon: dude have you seen the “alligator” pic yet? i havent even looked
UC: no! NO idea what it is
Moon: its the vanity fair cover! someone scanned the photos
UC: ohhhh with a hat? alligator!? why!?
Moon: i dont know… that’s what they do in new orleans?
UC: its’ for WFE right?
Moon: maybe he was doing a steve irwin memorial piece?
UC: hahahahhahaha
Moon: im sure he was a huge fan
UC: let’s discuss it before we even see it… pretend to be “Such rob experts” that we don’t even NEED To see the pictures to know the essence
Moon: DONE. we’re breaking it down without even SEEING the material, we’re this good (slash need a life)
Moon: so it’s probably been like what 5 years since the croc hunter was killed by a sting ray, so maybe he loved the show a lot. watched with his fam. and then wanted to do something to show his appreciation to bindi irwin and the fam

A LOT of time passes…

Are we being Incepted?

Moon: are you secretly looking at it?
UC:  yes i couldn’t wait ever since you texted me at 2 am I’ve been thinking about it.i couldn’t sleep, just waiting for this moment when I could look at the alligator
Moon: its true. i knew we would need to talk about it so i refused to look and went back to obsessively tweeting to and about Chris Weitz. true story
Moon: he tweeted a pic of his CUTE CUTE CUTE kid next to THE PANTS (not of the pattinson variety) and i was a goner
UC: NO!! THE PANTS? did he do that FOR US? this is true? or is this a dream? b/c it sounds like a dream next you’re gonna tell; me he has boxers that say DILF cuz that’s also a dream of mine

This is pretty much what's going on in our brains right now, only throw Rob in there too

Moon: maybe we have been Incepted because it was the pants AND Weitz on twitter AND some cute kid AND rob with an alligator… lots of dreams intersecting here
UC: I can’t tell what is a dream or reality. It’s all too good to be true
Moon: somewhere leo knew we needed some Inceptizing in our lives since November – most of February was SO boring
Moon: go to the photo and look at the 1st comment (it’s actually the 4thish now name: lynntribbsomething).  i may have left that….
UC: omg hahahhahahaha
Moon: isnt his kid freaking cute?
UC: omg that kid is cute
Moon: its like a mini chris
UC: put him next to a alligator and Imma goner
Moon: cause that’s safe.

The one where we finally get down to business
Moon: so back to rob…. id just like to add there was NO alligator/crocodiles in YENTL so this reptile is NOT acceptable for this photoshoot. Didn’t they read our initial Breakdown?
UC: Would a lizard be better?
Moon: no a goat or something. yentl is in poland not the swampy south. HELLO VANITY FAIR
Moon: ok so should we look now… OMG THERES A BUNCH! get ready… ok lets start with the cover…

Moon: OMGGGGG!!!!i die. literally i die laughing. im currently dying.
UC: hahha aOMG hahhaa no NOOOO oh poor Rob
Moon: is the hat on sideways?
UC: all the jokes…. I think it’s backwards… he will be RIPPED ALIVE by people who live to rip Rob alive
Moon: i mean his face is hot but theres an alligator near it
UC: this is unbelievable…i mean…. no… he has like.. a ranchers outfit on. that belt… BELT with jeans?? is he 47. don’t tell me he has white sneakers on too
Moon: he has a cell phone on the belt. the jitterbug is in a holster now
UC: his fingernails look manicured. his shirt- it’s too big
UC: who STYLED this???? a 200 year old man?
Moon: I KNOW!!! where’s the tailor?? or the photo shopper?

THIS could have been your cover Vanity Fair!! YOUR LOSE!

UC: photo shopper. STEP IN
Moon: i mean get any manip. creating rob fan on this and you’ll have him shirtless in 5 minutes with a 10pack and an oddly colored body… and tighty whities
UC: exactly. you know how everyone takes off the writing on images, the tags? shirt… gone pants gone. belt ON!!! just keep the belt on photoshoppers. belt on his undies
Moon: shoppers will make the alligator a weight bar for the nonstens and kstew for the robstens
UC: no seriously.. WHO thought this was a good idea?
Moon: ok, HE LOOKS HOT but everything ON him is not hot. it’s a lot of WHY? and is it irony that theres a title line on the cover that reads “the kid who brought chaos to the internet” uhhhhh GUILTY
UC: hahahahah GUILTY! another tagline:  “geeks gone wild” TRUE… geeks wear belted jeans & white tucked in shirts
Moon: so, the whole magazine is about him this month.

Sing us a song you're the piano man

The one where we make a lot of really bad band jokes
Moon: ok palate cleanser….
UC: ohhhh hottttt that’s the Robbie we like. Piano. Fitted clothes. No white sneaks
(please photoshop Rob in a pair of super white sneakers… do it to this picture)
Moon: the shirts still too big but he can wet my reed anytime!
UC: hahaha
Moon: HOLLER WOODWIND JOKES!!!
UC: you’re such a h00r. hahha
Moon: i love the clarinet just artfully laying on top of the piano. WHY? id rather have rag time robbie playing the upright… there’s also half a sousaphone/tuba laying down there. now THAT would be sexier than the cover and white sneakers. rob playing a sousaphone!
UC: YES hahahah ps.. back to the front cover it said something about “Robert Wresltes out of the twilight saga” wrestles so i think the thought was .. he’s wrestling an alligator but… i’d rather see him wrestle a sousaphone or a big ass tuba
Moon: yes
UC: or me
Moon: that’d make for better cover and who doesnt find a sousaphone player sexy?!
UC: i’d really rather see him wrestle me…right. I do
Moon: again with the band jokes!
UC: haha duh dum ching
Moon: think about him wearing the little beret all the sousaphone players wore… big puffed cheeks. twilight written on the side of the instrument… him wrestling it
UC: is it hot in here?
Moon: it is or maybe it’s just the hot air coming from the tuba
.

The one where we guess what Rob is…

Which way to the petrol station?

Moon: alright lets move right along
on the wrong side of the car again i see…. america is so confusing
Moon: so where do we think he’s driving to?
UC: A zoo or maybe to in-n-out
Moon: a steve irwin museum… maybe bindi irwin’s new live show? to pick tom stu up for a swamp boat tour? on his way to get those clothes tailored?
UC: let’s hope
Moon: Rob’s going to *insert joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
id like to think thats really what he’s doing
UC: me too!!!
Moon: seriously
Moon:  i wish i could read the text on the scan better… something about “forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is blah blah blah”
UC: Let’s fill in the blank…
Moon: Ok, “”forget the relationship with kristen stewart – robert pattinson is……”
UC: “DTF with anyone”
“IN love with his stuffed alligator?
“A fan of all sorts of reptiles?”
Moon: “secretly president of the reptiles of the world club”
“a WOMAN”
UC: “really into stark white sneakers”
“Gay”

TUCK it in! (you knew I would!)

Moon: “loves to tuck stuff in”
UC: “in love with these two bloggers”
hahaha THE TUCK
UC: “loves to tuck stuff in as proved in Little Ashes”
Moon: “secretly wishing he was chris weitz”
UC: “Really jealous of Chris Weit’z mustard pants”
Moon: “is confused about how real cell phones work”
“is wondering whether he really is team edward or team jacob… they are impressive abs”
Moon: “is wondering how dry cleaning works. if it’s dry and there’s not soap….”
UC: “How the Oscars made him sing a song he never recorded”
Moon: HAHAHA

Where's cousin Larry?

The one where we almost call this the worst
Moon: alrighty last but defs not least (weird)
UC: waiting for his kosher pickle… he gets one at the end of each day. like SERIOUSLY?
Moon: it’s like Balki got lost at the train station in Mypos…..
UC: his mom… the modeling agent is gonna have a heart attack: “My poor baby has been RUINED” someone deserves to get FIRED over this one!
Moon: he looks mid sentence… she did NOT teach this pose at the barbazon / john robert powers modeling school in Barnes!
UC: no she did NOT
Moon: she taught the “swish and swirl” and the “look, smolder, dazzle” but NOT the “midsentence” modeling pose
UC: amen
Moon: why do these clothes look so hick?! and not even GOOD hick? i could dismiss hick if he were wearing wranglers and boots and was all hot cowboy-ed out.
UC: it’s the WORST PHOTOSHOOT EVER
Moon: WOAH WOAH THERE! i think you’re forgetting zigot rob…. let’s not jump the gun on “worst ever!!” We have come a LONG way. this is may be the ODDEST ever…
UC: hahhaha yes you’re right. sorry. I apologize
Moon: its alright we’re all a bit confused and scared: alligator rassler, rag time robbie, hanging in a car rob and lost hick/preacher boy… what do these things have in common???

Hey guys, I just had the best idea for a photoshoot with Rob Pattinson!

UC: vanity fair, so sure that this issue will be a best seller because it’s ROB, putting forth no effort/money/quality?
Moon: they should know the POWER of a vanity fair photoshoot. i mean it created US!! we started because of their first twi spread/BTS video. and they phone it in with this oddness?
UC: right….. i mean.. this is probably one, if not THE last during the twi craziness…. they end it with THIS?
Moon: he is super hot and i can see why they just feel like anything goes, but still?!  they didnt even get naked girls or bathtubs like Details mag. at least get some local baton rouge “working girls” to spice things up
UC: Breaking it Down Vanity Fair style just changed to Breaking it Down “Down home, alligator wrangling” style
Moon: “breaking it down TUBA style”
“breaking it down belted denim with too large shirt and dad phone style”
Moon: man i think i gotta make a run to the news stand at lunch… across from the chateau marmot… how apropos
UC: i hope Robsten is there making magic
Moon: i hope i can see a glimpse of a bearskin rug
UC: i think you can. I heard that you can see it
Moon: *insert another joke i made that shall not be repeated because we like to live and we’ve had enough hatemail to last a lifetime*
UC: hahahahahhahahahahahah
Moon: i’ll bring my super telephoto lens the one that helps show them holding wrists

Really Rob, an alligator? Weird. But dude those eyes? Like WOAH! And don’t you worry I will trek my happy lil arse BACK down to the news stand again tomorrow to gaze at the chateau for the bearskin rug see if the magazine came in.

RIP Steve Irwin!
Themoonisdown

UPDATE: According to the news stand guy who called his distributor if you’re in LA you can get Alligator Rasslin’ Rob Vanity Fair TODAY!

So what are your thoughts? Loving the alligator? Asking a lot of WHY’s? But how hot is he?! Those eyes!

Source: Robsessed via epnebelle via Pattinson Ladies

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter, The Store

169 Commented