Rob Pattinson: Famewhore

Warning: Sarcasm full steam ahead. After a week of not knowing how to address ‘the video,’ this letter felt appropriate:

Dear Rob:

Stop being such a fame hog.

There, I said it. I laid down the oh so ugly truth. I mean the way you prance about just begging for the paparazzi to descend onto you is so transparent. Everyone knows that you only go grocery shopping with your buddy with the wedgie so your picture can be taken. I even heard that you have one of those corkboards with all of your Just Jared Jr. pictures tacked to them. (I just totally made this up because it made me lol) Too bad the days of Tiger Beat are long past us, you might have a nice 11 x 17 poster to hang with it. Your desperation for attention is so…reality tv star of you, and to be honest you’re embarrassing yourself.

Your latest yearning for your name to be published on questionable celebrity blog sites around the inter-webs is just plain pathetic. Your buddy Marcus Foster decided he was going to make the big plunge. The big “translation of music into visual poetry so you can now have your own VEVO channel” plunge with the help of another one of your mates. Now, any good friend aware of their own panty dropping abilities would act as an anonymous donor to the great cause of middle class British emotional plight and just front the money for the project. God knows you have enough. But no, Rob the fame whore in you was just begging and pleading to be released, so you did the next best thing and unleashed…ROBSTEN!

Now, there are more likes of the video than actual views on YouTube and the comments have quickly morphed from along the lines of “Who the f— is this dude?” to “OMG!!! LONG LIVE ROBSTEN!! TOTES ADORE THAT ROB WROTE THIS SONG FOR KRISTEN! MY OVARIES ARE EXPLODING!”

So, Rob I think you owe an apology to your friends Marcus and Sam. All they wanted to do was produce black and white art to make it look more melodramatic. Shame on you and your inner fame whore Rob. Maybe we should exile you to a deserted island with Kris Jenner (Kardashian) and see how long you survive without a camera in your face or some variation of your name plastered over the Internet?

xx itsaboutthewords

(You do know this was one giant piece of sarcasm, right? I don’t want any Rob fans coming to tar and feather me Boston Tea Party style.)

Check out the video and be a judge for yourself. But, I give you a challenge all LTR readers: Can you comment on the video without alluding to Rob?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI_pPEysgYQ]

Sadly, itsaboutthewords, I have a feeling if you didn’t mention it, then some WOULD have missed the sarcastic bit.. there’s always one these days! And I appreciated your subtle way of shaming us fans into NOT making everything about Rob. Cause, to be honest, when I learned Kristen was in a Marcus Foster video I immediately thought “aww.. Rob is helping a friend out & getting him some video views” (because apparently I’m suddenly into male chauvinism & don’t think Kristen can make decisions for herself) And the video has nothing to do with Rob. I repeat, the video has nothing to do with Rob! But that didn’t keep me from commenting along with all the ROBSTEN lovers on the video, about ROBSTEN (I can’t resist that opportunity, ever) What IS that? Are we so desperate to have anything of substance of Rob that we’ll take him when his friend is picking a wedgie, his girlfriend is in a music video or anything else that has little-or-nothing to do with him!? DISCUSS! xo, UC

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Meeting some of your “friends” ruined THE fantasy, Rob

Dear Rob,

You may have not been in San Diego this weekend for Rudy’s (aka Keisha Knight Pulliam) birthday but some of your fellow countrymen were. Though I will say I totally thought the first guy was faking the accent for at least 5 minutes, but when his totally toasted friend joined us I knew no drunk boy had the stamina or presence of mind to keep up a fake british accent for that long to say “lit-trally” that much.

I appreciated Nick and John (their names) for chatting us up in a room full of creepy old dudes and for their willingness to put up with our dumb questions BUUUTTT I must insist on a few things from your friends and maybe even yourself next time we meet. First, if you approach a group of ladies toting a mojito in your hand, it just confuses us. If we’re drinking gin and tonics and your glass has more frou frou and umbrellas than ours we might think you are le ghey. If you insist the mojito is your thing and you insist on living the island life while outside your country we must insist you not drink it through a straw because it LIT-TRALLY looks like you’re sucking on a… well you know. Also please put up with us as we inadvertently create international incidents by insulting your military. But accept our apology when we back track to say England taught us everything we know but then we used it to kick your asses in that little revolutionary war skirmish.  But we love you as allies, we really do!

Essentially what we met… only in denim

Also don’t think we’re the CIA trying to figure out if you’re lying about why you’re here but we LIT-TRALLY really don’t understand what the crap you’re saying and why you’re helicopter pilots/gunmen/crewmen in San Diego and how you got here. So come up with a good story as for why you’re here and how you got here.

If we ask lots of probing questions like “Yes, you’re from London, I get that… but what NEIGHBORHOOD are you from?” It means we really are interested and we love the civil engineering of your great town and not because we’re wondering if you know where the Barnes after school theater program is and if you attended oh maybe 5ish years ago.

I also appreciated that they humored me when you told me you were from the East End and I brought us East Enders. We did refrain from asking any Prince William and Harry questions though we REALLY wanted too especially since they are helicopter pilots in the British Army and who doesn’t love a Prince Hot Ginge story or maybe some insight into the much ballyhooed Royal Wedding.

Oh and here in America when one wears denim on denim we LIT-TRALLY call that a “Texas Tuxedo”… a questionable look.

Perfect for your mojitos!

And lastly I now know that most of the LTR girl’s real life Rob run in fantasy is to meet you drunk in a bar somewhere but I found out the harsh reality: it is just that, a fantasy. Because after talking with drunk brits for a bit there is NO way in hale we’ll be able to understand you after 10 mojitos either. This is a deep, deep sadness.

It sounds posh… but it isn’t!
Themoonisdown

So (minus our english girls) who’s had a similar run in with some brit boys and not only pumped them for information (inconspicuously of course) but been super confused the entire time? Would the Rob fantasy of meeting him drunk in a bar ever really live up to the fantasy? Did anyone else celebrate #birthdayRudy? Need a wardrobe for meeting British boys? Go Here!

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75 Commented

Rob’s making a list and checking it twice!

Heeeeeeyyy Guys, it's Santa Rob!! Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

Dear Rob,

Since I’ve been in a tizzy trying to buy the rest of the Christmas prezzies on my list I got to wondering about what’s on yours list to get your family and friends. So we know you don’t go to any shops besides Norman’s Rare Guitars and unless his mom wants a vintage Fender you might want to expand your shopping horizons especially since Christmas (and Boxing Day) is right around the corner! So what IS on your list?

Dick – Regift him a brand spanking new pullover from a SWAG bag you received last year. “Borrow” (for forever) the same pullover from him in 5 years.

Clare – Advanced copy of Country Strong since she has a thing for Garrett Hedlund after seeing Tron.

The sisters – Advanced copy of Country Strong. See above

Your Grandparents – matching Jitterbug cell phones since you’re their official spokesperson and all.

Tom Sturridge – Tshirt with “Bros before hoes” on the front and “no really, I mean it!” on the back

Sam Bradley – copy of “Robert Pattinson’s guide to not creeping girls out when I sing by eye f*cking them till it’s awkward” and a new blazer from Dick’s closet and ONE hoop earring from Clare’s jewelry box.

Bobby Long – a bedazzeled bangs comb and a promise of never to mention his name ever ever again.

Perfect for framing and fireplace hanging

Taylor Lautner – Framed 16×20 of this picture –>

Kristen Stewart – new bearskin rug.

Looks like you’ll be busy this next week Rob, trying to locate rugs and blowing up pictures and writing a book about non-creepy looks. So you better get started I guess and we’ll sit here and watch these 4 seconds of awesome from a Water for Elephants teaser…

I won’t share how many times I’ve watched it.

Happy last minute Xmas shopping!
Themoonisdown

Who did Rob leave off his list? What should he get for Stephanie Ritz? What about Stephenie Meyer? Lots of Stephe/anie’s!

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96 Commented