ROB IS BACK

Dear Rob,

YOU’RE BACK. I was barely aware you were gone (Well.. that’s a lie. You have seen how infrequently we write to you anymore, right? We noticed.)

But you’re back. And you’re hotter than ever. And we didn’t know that was possible.

All the good stuff happens after I go to bed. Like you on Jimmy Kimmel. Amazzzing:

In love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Is Rob BACK? Does this mean we’ll get GQ ROB again soon!? FINGERS CROSSED

[Vids found on Ew]

22 Commented

Rob Pattinson on the Daily Show: Political jokes and… um awkward

Dear Rob,

2 of our favorite things happened last night: You + Jon Stewart. Oh and male spanx jokes, so make that 3 things. And Brookelockart & I decided to live break-it-down:

UC: do you think Rob is going to comment on Paul Ryan’s appointment to VP running mate. or perhaps once & for all tell us where he stands on Obamacare? I know we’ve been DYING to know
Brookelockart: I have a feeling that most of this chat will be me gushing over the genius that is Jon Stewart. I’d totally date a jew*, if they were as awesome as Jon Stewart. YAY! it’s on, Go Smart Funny Jew!! aaaaand good looking (said like a jewish mother)
UC: they’ll talk about the London Olympics for sure. Maybe discuss One Direction’s performance last night
Brookelockart: Haha– the Message to Twilight fans– Jon knows his audience tonight
UC: LOVE YOU JON
Brookelockart: hahahhah, he has to explain the Daily show to the new audience.
UC: I feel so welcome. Even though I’m a normal watcher
Brookelockart: me too. Like he rolled out a special welcome mat for us.

This sexy Jewish guy has a message for Twilight fans (click to read)

Brookelockart:Do you think Robstens lean right or left?
UC: I don’t know….. they could go either way
Brookelockart: nice PC answer UC. you could run for government
UC: I could. but if you make me answer…. Well- some want EVERYONE to leave ROBSTEN alone, which I assume includes the government– so therefore they lean right…Some ROBSTENers though feel entitled to ROBSTENs relationship– and they probably love social security & medicaid too, so they lean left. I so smart.

Brookelockart: dammmmm..Paul Ryan is trying to glamour us
UC: haha dreamboat
Brookelockart: it’s like all the Paul Ryan Gosling memes say
UC: wait.. those EXIST?
Brookelockart: ZOMG YES. there’s even a twitter
UC: i just found a tumblr
Brookelockart: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, I just ate a corn dog. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” all the giggles!
UC: “@PaulRyanGosling: Hey girl, Mitt and I partied way too hard last night. Motherf*cker had FIVE Diet Sprites. The dude is insane.”

Brookelockart: So back to Rob on this show… do you think Jon showed him the questions before hand? because after his last appearance, I have to imagine Jon pitied Rob. That interview was so awkward that I had to keep looking away and changing the channel.
UC: oh yeah… i actually completely forgot about that interview…. i mean.. it … seems so long ago!
Brookelockart: It quite possibly was the most awkward interview that I’ve ever seen. Even worse than him being called a palsey chicken at comic con.
UC: well yes.. they have to had had some discussion.. b/c of the big elephant in the room (obvs talking about his unibrow)

Brookelockart: OOOOOH. it’s time.
UC: ugh… unf
Brookelockart: He’s in the SUIT. Good GOD
UC: do we know that person who screamed in the audience. I bet we do. Or was that me? ICE CREAM… good call Jon– nice touch. Also WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT so I can go buy every one at my local Wawa.

Brookelockart: OH ROB..SEE. HE CANNOT PLAY. AWKWARD. TONGUE IN THE ICE CREAM. TONGUE IN THE ICE CREAM
UC: NAH– rob is lactose.. he won’t eat it
Brookelockart: BUT THERE WAS TONGUE
UC: SOMEONE SCREEN CAP THAT
Brookelockart: Wait. do YOU KNOW THAT? About him being Lactose?
UC: BROOKE– of course i don’t know that. i’m NORMAL remember?

You can Double Spank me

UC: i’m cringing
Brookelockart: hahahahahhahah. AWKWARD. SOOOOO AWKWARD
Brookelockart: Has rob completed a sentence yet?
UC: no
Brookelockart: aww, Jon’s a nice big brother friend..even though after he probably walks back to the staff and says, effing idiot.
UC: yeah….. this is first right? cuz this is the BEST first interview possible. And can we agree that he really DOES need a publicist?
Brookelockart: his hair is looking pretty fantastic. SIDE NOTE
UC: um don’t pick your nose rob. but YES.. the hair… and the blue suit.. ugh.. hot..
Brookelockart: NOT YOUR NOSE– YOU ARE ON CAMERA. he really does need training
UC: and OMG he looks like my crush from 3rd- 8th grade. even more than EVER. i wish I could make him (my crush) model for the LTR world
Brookelockart: it all comes full circle– what is his life that he just talked about his break up to Jon stewart (and by talk, I mean he threw out some phrases and words that sorta made sense but were really not a coherent thought…)

Oh Rob… this is your life??!!!!

PS you looked amaaazing

Love,

UC & Brookelockart

*note: Brookelockart is Jewish and has never dated a Jew. Unless you count that one guy in 7th grade. Which I do and she doesn’t. So what does a friend like me do? Send her pictures of available Jewish guys all the time. Hot, not, small, fat, old, young. You’re welcome Brooke.

Ps: You can pick you friends and you can pick your nose, but you can never pick Rob Pattinson’s nose.

36 Commented

Rob Pattinson at the London Olympics

Dear Rob,

Did we get ya with that title? Are you looking around thinking, “Who noticed it was me? I thought everyone who passed me just thought I was an average homeless Londoner” [I’m imagining at this point you’re in last week’s clothes with a huge bushy beard, looking emaciated and smelling like a mix between whiskey & pee]

Well, we haven’t spotted you at the Olympics (yet. but we’re looking behind every dumpster), but our friend Zephyersky imagined you were there (kinda):

Dear Rob,

In attempt to turn attention away from the scandal I will not talk about (mostly because when I do I get a vacant stare and asked why I even care, which then makes me feel the need to self explore, digging up issues that are probably best left deeply buried) I’m directing attention to another not quite as publicized event. The RobOlympics. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s the competitions you had with your friends as you sat around watched to see if you won a free order of fries or a small Coke cause some trampolinist you’ve never heard of won a bronze. Does McDonald’s even offer those games in England? If so do they have Monopoly, only with London landmarks?

I’m British. We don’t play basketball here.

Anyway back to those fun little diversions between actual action while the commentator is telling the tragically uplifting back story of how that trampolinist overcame a childhood of being told to ‘stop wasting time and just mow the damn lawn already; it’s not like your training for the Olympics.’ You know how it starts – someone says “I could do that” then hops up on the couch and proceeds to jump only to crack their head on A) the ceiling, B) the floor, or C) for those extremely talented – both the ceiling and the floor.

A perfect 10 if he can stick the landing among all those feathers.

Then you all take turns until the couch frame is cracked and you’re covered in plaster with several head shaped dents in the ceiling. After that you determine the best way to fight the headache you now have is to drink it away. This leads to speed Heineken drinking and bottle cap skipping. Soon you’re just a group of drunken mumbling idiots looking through the wreckage for that free fry tab and wondering who you can call to drive you to McDonalds.

Betting on you to take the gold,
ZephyerSky

Good idea for Rob to pass the time while he waits for Liberty Ross to call him back, right? And a question for those of you up on the rumor mill— was Rob planning to come home to London for the Olympics? Do you know? And if you do, how do you know? Stole his mail? Peeked in his windows? Hacked his phone? His e-mail? All of the above? ‘Atta girl*

Love,
UC

PS: Moon is in Africa. I am in Pennsylvania- soon to be on a beach. I just thought you should know (and if you want to write a letter to Rob while we’re both busy… you may xxoo)

*We don’t condone stalking. Usually

12 Commented

The end is here. We’re here for you Rob

Dear Rob,

We heard the news. And we’ve been preparing for years as we figured one day this would come (but to be honest… we kinda figured you’d mess it up instead of she-who-should-not-be-named (we’ll call her that in case hearing her name is too hard. Also because you were in Harry Potter)) So last night we broke the glass on the Break Up Kit. And we’re excited to share what is inside:

Gosh I miss 2009

First: of course there’s a Hot Pocket Fort. Big enough for the 3 of us complete with a small microwave– a necessity for what’s next on the list

The entire stock of Costco’s Hot Pocket Freezer. We bought them back in ‘2009 but those bad boys have enough preservatives to get us through 2015

There’s a KEG of Heineken chillen’ in my beer fridge. Sad times call for much more than a case of beer can ever do.

The Brit pack are here with their guitars tuned and voices warmed ready to serenade you with whatever you want. (Yep, they’re in our Break up Kit) Looking for something upbeat? Marcus is on it. How about an ol’ Bob Dylan tune? Bobby’s got you covered. And Sam’s even brushed up on the DMB catalog in case things get really rough.

Next up is a stack of print outs from Bigtits.com since we know you much you love them (and haven’t had access for a few years)

Michael Oregano’s phone # in case you want to swap stories.

She’s ready for you

In case you want to get dangerous to numb the pain, we’ve even got Tiffanized on speed dial. You’ll remember her as Rob’s M.O.M (Match of the Month back from February 2010) No one could ever forget the sexy woman who posed for you like this <—-

And of course there’s us: UC & Moon, Noreen & Bunny… the girls there to dry your eyes. We’ll let you call us whatever you want because this is our day to celebrate YOUR DAY. And we’re here for whatever your needs are. That’s right– vegetarian for 12 years, but I’ll even try the Pepperoni hot pocket. Cat lover at heart but I’ll walk Bear. Can’t understand a word you say when you sing, but I’ll sing a long to the new song you wrote.

Really. Whatever. You. Need

Hang in there,
UnintendedChoice (with theMoonisDown)

PS: Rob we have some chloraseptic… you know what that’s for

GUYS: WHO CARES?? EXCEPT WE DO BECAUSE TWILIGHT JUST GOT FUN AGAIN!!!!! YAY FOR SPECULATION & RUMOR! 

161 Commented

Dear Rob Please Don’t Look like This at Comic Con

Dear Rob,

It’s always so suspenseful: WILL HE OR WON’T HE? (Look like a complete idiot) or HOT OR NOT. Or rather ALWAYS HOT BUT REALLY MAKING ME QUESTION THE “ALWAYS” PART OF THAT STATEMENT RIGHT NOW.

What will you look like today at Comic Con? What WILL you wear?

Let’s hope it’s not like 2011:

Someone’s high

DINO HEAD

Even you are questioning your hair choice here

I’d take 2009 Comic Con Rob with your scared puppy dog look & flannel shirt, even though the floppy head of hair isn’t my first choice of hair for you (I’m picky after all these years)

woof

Uhhh yum

But mostly I’d just prefer one of these Robs:

and especially GQ Rob:

WHICH ROB WILL WE GET!? Can’t wait to see!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Has GQ REALLY not done a new photoshoot with Rob since my favorite of all time? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM!? 

Moon is at Comic Con, y’all– Make sure you’re following us on Twitter for all the good news.

10 Commented